Advice Needed, Desperately!
Hi,
Im new and this is my first post here.. so here goes! DH's ex wife, the BM of my 2 StepKiddo's is a putrid woman. She's been telling the kids lies about me and has been flat-out mean. Whats worse (yes it gets worse..) is that SS6 has an Autism Spectrum Disorder and being so young, he doesnt understand as his sister being an eight year old, sort of does.
My thing is this... BM has never met me, nor will she, as she refuses. Ive emailed her a few times and was told to leave her alone. She has told me and the kids that I am nothing more to them than a big sister or babysitter and I find this to be really confusing for them, not to mention my little bio-boys. Shes gone so far as to tell them that I stole their Daddy and she has re-written history entirely. Ive been documenting every incident but I feel like enough is enough. For my poor little SS to come to me and ask in his little Autistic-Quirky way why I "make his Mommy live alone" it absolutely destroys me.. for his sake.
I really want to reach out to her as a last ditch effort to keep the peace, and also to see if the pattern of alienation stops (it probably wont), but considering she wont take my calls and has told me not to email her,... I'm stumped. DH has talked to her for me about all these things and she hides behind the kids and flat out lies and denies everything. I considered writing her a letter and slipping it into the kids' bag for when we return them to her.. I've even thought of inviting her out for pizza or something (she refused my coffee meet-up).. overload her with kindness sort of, and hope that it rubs off (...it wont). I am hurt, saddened and really pissed about everything.. for the sake of SS and SD not to mention my bio-boys... how confusing. "Mommy says you stole Daddy...you make Mommy live alone..Mommy says youre crazy...Mommy says you have done some very very bad things (Whattt???)...Mommy said you make my clothes smell bad...Mommy said you're not allowed to touch my hair (so she literally walks around with a rats nest on her head b/c Mommy said NO ONE is allowed to even brush it...)... the list goes on... She's brainwashing the kids to hate me, but also this will (IMHO) make them question their Father's integrity...
Please tell me I'm not alone in this! And if you all have any suggestions as to what to say to her... b/c at this point, writers block has kicked in and I've got nothing!
Thanks a lot in advance for listening! (((oh,p.s. we split visitation)
Oh boy. You are trying to be
Oh boy. You are trying to be rational with someone who is clearly irrational. Perhaps in time things will shift with her...I'm guessing a minimum of 5 years from the time they split and only if she finds love or fufillment in her life. If these were my SK, I would try to stand my ground with them and say things like, "your mom makes the rules at her house, and dad and I make the rules here" or "your hair needs brushing. I will watch while you do it, or I will do it for you."
"Mommy is mad at daddy but that has nothing to do with me." I can sometimes look at things from BM's perspective and I feel sorry for her...but other times I am just mad and want to blame her for everything that is wrong in my relationship and my relationship w/ my SK's. I am so thankful to have this site where I can vent my true feelings.
Here's what I will tell you
Here's what I will tell you of your SS and autistic boys...(people in general)...they can hear it all, and NEVER forget...ie. his mother tells him you did X, he will never forget HIS MOTHER TOLD HIM...however, they are also very good at judging people...ie. no matter what his mother says, although he may question you, he will be at peace with those who have a good heart...have a big heart for him and he ALSO will never forget.
My youngest SS is now 13. DH
My youngest SS is now 13. DH and I have been together since he was just 2. BM was(and still is)bitter and twisted and tried in the first few years every trick in the book to lure DH back. We had SS in shared care by court order (we were actually granted full custody but didn't want to deprive SS of his mother)in attempt to stop her manipulation. This kind of backfired as kid became so screwed up by the things his mother said about both of us and the other children, he made our lives impossible. Our relationship pretty much fell apart and SS then 10 went to live full time with BM.
Without BM in our face we salvaged our relationship and are now better than ever. Skip a few years of limited contact SS now 13 comes over every weekend and holidays - regardless of BM. He is respectful to me and obedient and gives me the love I deserve after being his main carer most of his young childhood. Regardless of what his mother tells him, he is now old enough to make his own judgements- as he has.
My oldest BD has ASD - and I agree with herewegoagain - they don't forget.
So take heart - they all grow up sooner or later (some MUCH later - judging from my house LOL) and how the adults around them as children carry on, and the respect - or lack of, won't be forgotten.
Forget trying to be friends with BM. I tried and all it does is leave you vulnerable to hurt - which she clearly wants.