girl is playing you, disengage from her, she knows what buttons to push to get you all worked up,

simply ignore it, pretend you do not care,

Yes your husband can make rules at his house without her coming over, next time she visits he simply tell her, these are the new rules... but the problem is what will your husband do if she tells him then in that case I will not come over anymore?

Will he say, no wait sweety Daddy was only joking and then cancel the rule

or will he laugh and say, Well little gil you do not have a say, seeing you are a minor child in this life and CO stipulates you have to come, so suck it up buttercup, you will be here and the rules will be here as well...

It sounds as if her dad sees the problems and that's something. Mom seems to be willing to back you up and discipline her too. That's really good. My SD didn't see her dad for two years when she was in her early teens. They pull the power play, but the three of you need to stick together, especially if SD has behavior/emotional problems.
As bad as it is, just keep in mind the parents seem to be trying to rein her in - many SMs don't have that backup. The less you react, the better. She gets power knowing she's cranking you up, and that will reinforce her bad behavior. If she doesn't want to visit, tell husband some space might be good and she'll come around when she's more comfortable. It's not necessarily true, but you deserve some peace and maybe she will come around. But you don't want her at any cost - you only want her if she's willing to follow rules and respect you.

I don't think it's unusual for kids to test their parents or to buck authority..

I don't know all the history here.. but obviously, you got together with a guy with kids when you were pretty young. I guess hind sight is 20/20... but at 23 I think I would have run fast and far if a guy I met had kids...not to mention a failed relationship that produced 2 kids at that point!

As far as her running the show. I think it's good her mother is not allowing her to get out of visitation. It sounds like there is at least some hope of a united front. One thing I might suggest is that at this point... she is old enough to understand a reprimand from you too. Instead of letting her disrespect you.. you can certainly stick up for yourself. Maybe when she sees you refuse to be a target and her intention of stirring you up doesn't work she will tire of that game?

This girl has the best of both worlds, she can be a little sh!t and still get treats. Stop doing stuff for her.

Go do fun stuff by yourself or with your girlfriends for several hours when she's there. She's too self-important. Put her in here place. You are the adult, she is the kid. When she asks where you are going, tell her it's none of her business. If she's rude or disrespectful, send her to her room. Don't argue. If she asks why, tell her because you are the adult and you told her to.

Families are like wolf packs, and she's trying to be the alpha.

Listen, take back your home and your power from this kid! I had to fight fire with fire with my SD when she was that age. She had gone all around the house for days calling me names and a fat ass to our 3 other ones drawing ugly pictures of me etc... I packed them all up in the car for a nice lunch out at their favorite restaurant and then drove to a friend of mines and announced in the car that we had a problem. Explained that I do not treat children who call me names and draw ugly pics of me to nice lunches and told her to get out and drove off. I had this prearranged with my friend. But you see, you don't have to be a prisoner to her behavior. Plan a nice ice cream dessert and don't serve her after a particularly horrible incident. And unemotionally just explain that in your home, children who say or do xyz to you do not get treated to ice cream. And then change the subject quickly. You get the idea, it is not cruel and you are teaching an authentic lesson about treating others as you want to be treated.

You're trying and you're still a mean SM. Just stop. I would act like she doesn't exist unless she directly speaks to you. Even then, keep it short and simple. Do not go out of your way. Not your kid, not your problem.

You're trying and you're still a mean SM. Just stop. I would act like she doesn't exist unless she directly speaks to you. Even then, keep it short and simple. Do not go out of your way. Not your kid, not your problem.

Please leave now while you got the chance. You’re so young find a man with no baggage!! You deserve to have all the attention and priority from your husband. Don’t settle for this! It will always be drama. Once you have kids together you’ll dry because of that. Don’t let it go this far. Been there I regret it!!! Don’t youre still in time. If you don’t these kids will always be around and so will the ex. You will be miserable and will look back and wish you had left this situation. You’re not happy!! Do what makes you happy!!