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Step Daughter just contacted DH

smokeyquartz's picture

Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I posted here but something big and confusing has happened. DH has a DD17. He has not seen her since she was a couple of years old. Her BM refused contact, visiting, kept moving. This was long before I was in the picture so I cannot say exactly what happened. However DH has always wanted to have contact with her, has paid child support her whole life but has also been worried about what would happen if and when contact did happen as he didn't know what his DD17 would know or think about him and also her own BMs part in this.

Well BM contacted him last year out of the blue (a few months prior she connected with DH mum for the first time) to get a passport form signed. He did it and was hopeful it may be a first step to contact. With the form he sent a letter to his DD17 as has now had her address. Apparently the BM was very angry he did that (she told his mum!?) and ceased contact with his mum as well after.

Then a month ago BM sent a text asking humbly for money so that DD17 could do a course. DH sent money to pay for half. BM then sent DD17 mobile number to him! Well DH sent her a text and last night got a reply from DD17! She said she did not want to have a relationship with him, that her mum never said anything bad about him and that she always wondered why she wasn't enough for him to want her in his life. He has replied but I just feel so sad about the whole situation. How can he tell her that he was not the one that stopped the relationship. Of course he could have tried more and harder (there of course are more compications to the original story), and he knows and acknowledges this. But his DD17 loves her mum who is her whole world.

Any advice at all that may be helpful would be appreciated - or anyone who has gone through any remotely similar.

Survivingstephell's picture

Caution him on just handing money over any old time. Don't let them turn him into an ATM.   Have him represent himself as a strong healthy person, offer to explain his side of the story when she ready and that he'd like to stay in touch.  Lord only knows what kind of person she grew up to be. Hopefully a good one who will launch and not a hot mess who will ruin your lives.  Proceed with caution. 

hereiam's picture

So, she doesn't want a relationship with him, at all, but taking his money is okay? I do hope your husband doesn't plan to keep giving them money, beyond child support.

At this point, anything he says to her about what happened over the years to cause him to not see her, is going to fall on deaf ears. She is not going to believe that this was her Mum's doing, as she has obviously been told that your DH just wasn't interested.

Did your husband ever pursue it when you found out where she was 6 years ago? What happened with that?

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

How is DH even sure it was DD's phone number? Google allows you to set up fake numbers that ring to your phone. BM could have done that and be the one texting him.

If DD only sees her dad as an ATM, then he needs to stop sending extra cash. Pay what he is ordered to pay and call it a wash. It's BS that BM didn't say anything bad - she did everything she could to keep DD away. That is enough.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Dup

tog redux's picture

This is a common theme around here - as soon as child support is close to ending, here comes the alienating BM to either guilt more money out of him, or dump the kid on him.

His only response should be: "I'm sorry you believed I didn't care about you - I have never stopped loving you and wondering about how your life was going."  It will take years for her to want a relationship, but she will..  But he can't defend himself or badmouth BM.

But NO MORE MONEY.  This will lead to her calling him with her hand out and that being his only contact with her - and he will become afraid of losing that limited contact.  So set the precedent now that he's not an ATM machine or a pushover.

Winterglow's picture

Should there be a next time (and there often is), he should answer that he is only willing to pay for whatever it is if his DD meets him in person to collect the money. If she turns up then he gets te chance to show her that he actually is a human being, if she doesn't well... that at least lets him know where he stands and what he represents for her.

My brother did this with his PAS'd son who wanted him to pay for to an extra couple of years at college. He waited for nearly 3 hours at the meeting spot but nobody turned up. That day, he stopped all efforts with his son because he realized it was pointless.

JoyW40's picture

We had a similar situation. Husband hadn't seen daughter since she was 18 months old. His ex-gf took daughter to Wales (we're in England) and kept moving about.  When she was 13 the BM's sister contacted my husband saying his DD wanted contact. He was excited thinking finally he could establish a relationship with his DD.  The BM's sister said she'd give DD his details so she could contact him.  Then we heard nothing. DD didn't make contact until she was 18.  Turns out the auntie told DD that my husband wanted nothing to do with her. DD by this time was no longer living at home as her mother kicked her out because she chose to have a baby rather than abort it.  BM is a real piece of work.  DD contacted husband through facebook and it took nearly 8 years of talking, emailing and face time for her to take the plunge and meet him/us.   Fortunately, for us the BM has been out of the picture for 10 years as well as all of that side of the family.  DD has two kids her BM has never met.  She spent years being told how her father was the devil.  Now she knows this was a lie.  They have a really good relationship now but it's taken a long time.  

There may come a time when your husband's daughter is no longer under the influence of the BM and the poison she's been spewing. She'll make contact and he/you can take things from there.   Like suggested though I wouldn't be throwing extra money at them if she's not willing to at least meet up and give his side of the story.  

 

 

Rags's picture

Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts.  DH needs to send a full statement of the $Tens of thousands he has provided for her support as well as a full accounting of how BM kept her from him, every move, a copy of every interface he had with BM over the years and he needs to tell his DD that he is sad that she is not interested in a relationship with him but that does not eleminate the her BM kidnapping his daughter, running away with her, etc, etc, etc.....

Who cares that this toxic BM is this 17yo's whole world?  She needs the truth. DH has no relationship with his daughter so giving her the truth can't really make things worse and may just shake this kids head lose from her own ass a little bit.  And best of all BM will blow a gasket.

Diablo