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Step daughter

bec73's picture

Good evening
I need some advice from my fellow step mothers.
My husband and I have been married 2 years this may, I have 2 children aged 11 and 8 who we have every fortnight for a week. My husband has a 15 year old daughter who doesn't live with us and he sees her for dinner once a fortnight and contact from her is very limited because she has been poisoned by her mum. I very rarely see my SD she really wants nothing to do with me and refuses to see her dad if I come along.
My issue is this, my husband has taken her away for 3 nights and his communication while he is with her is very limited one text in the morning and a phone call at night. I'm not sure why he can't communicate with me while she is with him. I get the distinct impression that she really doesn't care if she is on holidays with him or not it seems to be a chore as does having dinner with him. I feel really unimportant while they are together. Am I being unreasonable to expect contact on a regular basis from him. I hear from him more when he is at work or on a conference than I do when he is with his daughter.
Many thanks

SweetMom's picture

tell him to stop putting you on back burner or you'll find someone that will light your fire up. All jokes aside, honestly, it sounds a bit pervert. I can see having daddy daughter time once every so often but 3 nights In a row.. Oh hell nah!

a_nessy_life's picture

I agree with Tog's statement. If he or she have Fakebook accounts I'm certain that you can check on their goings on there while he's away. Seems like girls that age love to post everything.

Do something with your own kids when he's away. Go to a show, out to eat, shopping, playing golf, whatever the three of you like to do. Just don't sit at home and pout because he spends time with the SD.

Now I would have a problem if he's not actively trying to enforce to the SD that you both are a team. These little daddy/daughter outings are one thing, but if the SD continues to act like you don't exist it may begin to erode your and DH relationship if he doesn't make it clear that you are in his life and she's not allowed to just erase you. My DH will periodically take trips to see SD without me, but it's clear that if I wanted to go along no expense would be spared. Sometimes I join in just to remind her that I'm not going anywhere but when he's with her it's kinda the same situation, a text or two during the day and a phone call before he falls asleep at night.

twoviewpoints's picture

You went through this last summer when DH/SD did a small get-away. It's six months later. Doesn't appear that this daughter really intrudes into your family life where it's to a point you must be so distraught over it. Not trying to downplay your feelings, but from reading the previous post your main complaint then was you were afraid your DH would forget about you.

It's a 3dy holiday. He's calling and texting once each every day. He's not forgetting about you at all. As you said yourself in previous the man spends 99% of his time with you. Seriously? This girl is no threat to you or your marriage. Dinner for an hour or two once every two weeks is no big deal. The man has only a couple years left to grab whatever crumbs his daughter tosses his way. Then she's be an adult and every likely completely done with him. As you said, she doesn't particularly care a twit about him either. No, she doesn't want to be around you nor a part of your family...but considering what extremely little time this girl actually deems her father there is no need for jealousy or blowing it out of proportion.

I'm actually surprised you contact your DH so many times a day during his normal work week. IDK I guess I'm just not that attached at the hip with my husband that I have a need to have him at my fingertips all day everyday. Is there something else going on that makes you feel you must know and hear the man's every walking moment of the day right as it's happening? Has he been faithful to you? Did you have reason to suspect he's not actually where and/or doing what he says he is?

bec73's picture

Thank you for your replies.
One more thing that I would like to run past you all. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday and I am planning a lunch for her with family and my husband won't be able to make it as we had planned as he will still be with his daughter and won't be back until later in the afternoon. His comment was he was here for her birthday last year. I did ask him to ask his daughter to join us but as yet he hasn't discussed that with her and he is unsure what what they will be doing tomorrow.

luchay's picture

They wont be there, so don't expect or count on it.

I agree for the most part with what everyone has said, especially the bit about it being ok for them to spend alone time together, however is he reinforcing to her that you and he are a team, is he doing anything to work towards getting her to respect your relationship?

That's the bit that would concern me, is this going to be how it is forever? Weddings, holidays, grandchildren? Will she be forever able to cut you out of his life whenever she snaps her fingers? I would be letting him know that you are ok with the way it is now (and stop fretting about it - really he's committed to you and your life, its a few days, let them have it) BUT that you need him to think about how its going to be when she's grown up and has babies, etc. He needs to subtly be working on her acceptance of you as part of his life, so that you are BOTH able to be part of the big things.

Now, about the birthday party - he said he would be there now he's saying no, I was there last year and blowing off a commitment he had made for you, a social event with your family and I think that's pretty rude. He knew when your daughters birthday was BEFORE he made his plans right? So I would be letting him know that you are really not ok with him blowing you off like this. He should have planned HIS time better so that he could have full time with his daughter and not be disrespectful to you , your dd and your family.