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Want teenage sd to move out

Bad wife even worse step mom's picture

Bear with me. Im new to this *help*.  My dh never got to see his daughter grow up. He and ex wife seperated and divirced when she was 18 months old. Mum met someone else and they disappeared. My dh was devastated and endlessly tried to find her. But everytime he  got close the ex would move again. Id just like to add there was no violence or abuse in thier marriage they were just very young and mutually decided to part. Ex just wanted a fresh start with new chap without dh in the childs life. When his daughter hit 13, 2.5 years ago she contacted my dh via fb with her grans help. Contact was initiated within a month she was allowed to sleep over. Within a year she was living with us. She was failing school, self harming, and on antidepressants. She insisted her mother was abusive and always had been. She wanted a fresh start with us. At the time we were just married a few months and i was a few months pregnant with our first child. I was not thrilled by this news. But saw it coming from a mile off. I had to support my husband with this he felt it was his responsibility to help straighten her out. Shes been living with us now 1.5 years. He's always been blind to her manipulative behaviour. When ive tried to bring it up hes immediately defensive. Since living with us shes been off antidepressants and we only had 1 self harm attempt in the last 6 months. But it was more of a seek for attention. But my dh did not address it and refused to inform her mum. Upon sd request. Sd is now 15, 16 in 2 months. School contacted us last week to report that she was struggling due to family problems. It would appear the little delight told the school she was a full time carer for my 15month old son, 9yr old daughter and my paralysed husband! Apparently im never home! 1st my husband is not and has never been paralysed! She babysat twice both times for 2 hours and was paid £30 each time so we could do family shop on peace! She asked to earn some money and we thought she ws responsible enough. Im at home full time caring for my son and daughter. She also told them shes been in agony for months and been asking for me to get her a gp appointment and ive refused. Also utter bs. Needless to say im fuming. Luckily the school cottoned on as she was contradicting herself too much. My dh spoke with her mum. Apparently this is what she used to with her mum. Also has been telling her mum shes basically poor Cinderella here! Which is a joke. She doesnt even keep her own room tidy. Shes the laziest little sod ive ever known. Im deeply hurt shes been so dishonest with me even iver trivial things and pointed fingers at me. Since shes been with us ive done nothing but put her needs before my own as a mum does for thier child. And this is howim repaid. Husbandtook her wifi frim her from thurs eve til sun eve and has retained her phone but looks like she will get that back in next couple of days. Ifeel the pubishment is pathetic! I dont trust her anymore. I will not leave her unattended with my 2 chikdren anymore. Shes sitting her GCSE's this mayand u want her to return to hermum after. Shes looking into an apprenticeship near us. But i cant do another 2 years with her. But if i tell my husband how i really feel. Ifear i will loose him. He will put her first. Any advice?

MrsStepMom's picture

Sorry you are dealing with this. I wish I had some advice. I also want SS out, or at least at his moms far more. DH wants to lessen his time with her and just stick to the custody agreement (we give her more than it states currently) and I just want to scream NOOOO!! I know if I say I won't live with him it will end DH and I, and that is the last thing I want. I really don't see any option but sticking out the next two years. So help me that loser better get into college and get the F out of my house.

Bad wife even worse step mom's picture

It appears were in similar situations. Its crap hey! My fear is if i shut up and put up for another 2 years of college/apprenticeship. Whats to say she will even go then! My issue is theres no trust. She blatentley lied! Shes accused me of neglecting her and my kids which is basically abuse. If school hadn't of realised it was stoties it could of caused huge problems with childrens services. I also believe she'd of continued spewing more rubbish if she wasn't caught. I dont know how i come back from that with her!

MrsStepMom's picture

SS was doing similar. He told BM that we don't feed him and don't let him eat food in our house, etc. all because dad wouldn't let him have a soda. The kid will literally die from lack of water before he will drink anything but coke. It's pathetic. Dad laid into him over it and SS said he didn't mean like he is starving. I am sure he didn't to SOME extent but also said something to get BM to that point. Made SS text mom to explain. I was livid. He pointed it all at me saying I don't feed him. I cook him a home made meal every single night. BM literally has never cooked him a meal in 16 years. Grr.

SS told husband he is upset because we don't believe him when he tells us stuff and DH said "well if you lie all the time people don't believe you." Apparenly I am supposed to buy the one truth out of every 300 lies. He thinks I don't know when he lies, and I think DH really doesn't, but I can always tells. Mostly because his lips are moving.

I also worry he won't go. I am begging husband to make sure that kid gets into college and is out of our house.

ESMOD's picture

Is she in counseling?  It seems like the lying etc could be addressed.  If she is mentally ill...  the behaviors may seem intentional to you .. but she may be unable to stop herself. 

Bad wife even worse step mom's picture

Yes shes been referred to the mental health team by the gp.  Also school has made a referral  too. My concern is now. How are we to ever believe her again! I feel really uncomfortable just leaving her alone with my two younger now. Its sparked distrust majorly

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

You definitely have a right to disengage. Let your DH deal with her, for everything. Rides, school, basic necessities, all of it.

You enjoy your children and your husband.

And most importantly, set boundaries...

1. I will not be alone with her and risk my children as well as myself. 

2. She has made it very clear she doesn't respect me as another adult in the home. Which leaves you, DH, to handle her in entirety. 

3. No adult children live in our home unless they are a full time student and have a part time job while contributing to the household. If this rule is broken the consequence is 30 days to find housing elsewhere.

4. No revolving door. Once child launches there is no returning. Unless drastic measures warrants it and we MUST agree that it is necessary. 

Asking your DH to have his child leave will not work. But that doesn't mean you cannot enjoy your home and time when child is there. Don't let this kid force you out. Force your DH to step up and parent and deal with his child. 

(Let me say this doesn't have to be all or nothing, and make that clear. You can be a very willing partner. Just not willing to be shat on at every turn. If child changes and decides to be part of the family it can be different. But until then this is how it has to be. Men take this type of talk as all or nothing. Make it clear to your DH that while you care this isn't working. So let's make it work. And this is how.) 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Never leave your SD alone with your Bios, and lock up anything important. This could get worse. Would your partner be willing to send her to a live-in mental health program?

Bad wife even worse step mom's picture

Her gp has referred her for some sort if mental health help. But no idea what as my dh took her to appointment and she refused to have him present as its her legal right. When he returned aftr theyd spoke in private he said it was clear she had played the pitty game as gp had asked dad and school to give her space after what she'd experienced at school last year. According to school there have been no incidents apart from sd isolating herself. Frustratingly my dh did not push this further with gp. My dh has shut down about discussing in fact we have never addressed it. His attitude is that its dealt with aa she lost wifi for 3 days. At no point has he asked me how I feel about it. 

Last year my ds at 15 wanted to return living with us after a failed attempt at his dads. Agreed he was disrespectful to my dh and myself and my ds refused to live with dh. Subsequently hes been in foster care for over a year. Last weekend was his first over night stay which was great. Because he swore at dh he wasnt allowed in the house for 9 months. I supported him and did what i felt was right for the whole family  i feel its unfair as hes not doing the same. Yesterday he agreed ro go to marriage counselling with me as i feel im not being listened to or considered. So fingers crossed that helps

Monkeysee's picture

You have a DH problem. I’m curious, though, why you allowed your DH to kick your son out for 9 months simply because he swore? Why is there such an imbalance of power in your relationship?

You can’t force this girl out, but you can protect yourself & your bios. Nanny cams in all public areas of your house (hallways, front room, kitchen etc), never leave her alone with bios & if DH leaves the house SD needs to be gone as well. Keep valuables locked up & disengage from her completely. No favours, no extras, no support.

Take care of yourself & your kids, leave SD to her father.

Bad wife even worse step mom's picture

Theres alot of history with my ds. I raised him on my oen til he was 13. I seperated from hu6s dad due to dv. Ds was diagnosed with adhd and other behavioral issues from 7. I finally took drs advise when he was 9 and started medication. Ds became worseas he got older started being violent with me. I jad to learn how to restain him safely etc. When he hit 13 he reestablished contact with his dad and wanted to mive in. Obviously with my history of the dad i did not want that to happen. Ds started smashing up house running away from home. Child services said i should let him live with his dad as i was pitting him at more risk with him running away. The decision broke my heart. Within 3 months of living with hus dad ds broke contact and moved away. I had no contact for 2 years. Then last year i found sout his dad had been physically and mentally abusing him. Thats when we wanted him to come home. Ds refused to accept our house rules of bed by 11pm, no going out after 9pm and no girls in bedroomand no smoking pot. His dad had let him do these things. So he opted to put himself into care. Again a horrible position to be in but he wouldnt work with us. When addressing these rules thsts when he seore at my dh stating he could not enforce rules on him as it was non of his fucking business! Obviously it was as its also dh house. Ds i doing great i chat with him daily and our relationship is the best its ever been. Ive even asked if he would like to come home and he still says he couldn't live by our strict family rules.

My issue is the whole time with my ds i always asked my dh on his thoughts and feelings and put his and other kids in house above my own feelings and wants. I dont feel this is reciprocated. If i had to take such a hard line with my ds with regards to safety of others. She he not do the same with his dd. She has a mother who is very capable of having her. Ddjust doesn't want to as her reports her mum is abusive. But shes saying the same rubbish about her that she now is with us. There id no issue at her mums. Dd is her own issue.