SS13 is becoming the only person I hate!
Hello! I've been lurking for a little while here but this my first post. Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice on the harrowing journey of stepparenthood.
I've been married for 3 years and have been playing the stepmom role to SD12 and SS13 for years before that. I am a baby/kid person (I work with kids) and I generally get along with little people, the SD being no exception. Sure she occasionally forgets to put her dish in the sink or pouts but overall, she's a bright kid on her way to being a fabulous lady, in spite of her BM's careless parenting and the blatant animosity between bioparents.
Her brother is another story entirely; if I never saw the child again it would be to soon. I have never disliked a kid so much and it makes me feel guilty. At 13 years of age he is incredibly whiny, complains about everything, has nothing nice to say about anyone but himself.
A few years ago amid a bunch of testing showing he was average or below and possibly unable to keep up with his class, a single 10 min test showed he had a high IQ (nothing crazy). Now he won't shut up about it and I think its made him believe he is always right or something. Even his poor sister, who happens to be very intelligent and mature, brags for him about his high IQ, I think because she knows he's awkward. Weirdest part is, the child has NO interests, NO hobbies, NO areas of knowledge. Comparing him to an "age appropriate chores" chart, he can't...
keep himself or his room even a bit clean without direct help or nagging
volunteer a "thanks' for ANYTHING but will make jokes about not having said thank you
couldn't make a bed, a sandwich or clean the car or dishes even with supervision
Unlike his father and sister, he's racist, homophobic, rude, arrogant. Some examples of behavior I find inappropriate and/or enraging....
When he was 10...telling me that he didn't have to say please or thank you to me because I have to do things for him, as I hand him his homemade meal of choice.
When he was 11...telling me that gay people "shouldn't have any rights, like slaves because thats just gross"
When he was 13...proudly proclaiming that black and brown people "suck", Somalia is the worst primarily because there are black people there, etc. even though he is a very white "brown" person!
I'm not sure how I can stand to have this kid in my home again. I want to start my own family but knowing he will be a "role model" is terrifying! I could never allow that kind of talk around my children.
Any advice on how to approach the situation? BD lets this continue though he admits its messed up. What are my rights (not legally, I know I have none there)? Any thoughts besides "get out now" are appreciated. 
You should disengage and the
You should disengage and the link below is to a article which will help. Your biography here doesn't mention children of your own. If there are any you explain to them why he gets away with what he does (some parents don't care about their children - you do). You explain a loving parent disciplines their children so they're prepared to enter a world governed by discipline.
Dad is not bewildered he's simply too lazy to constantly be disciplining his kid. Maybe he's overwhelmed, ignorant never having seen a parent handle something like this. Not that its likely to help the kid but it'll stop the sass directed to you if his phone is taken away. Discipline is really that easy as you well know. He can send the kid to counseling by telling the bio-mother he'll pay for it if necessary. (I'm assuming he a weekend visitation kid not in custody of his father.
YOU stop doing anything for this kid, no special meals, no laundry, no driving him to the movies, nothing. YOU don't have to say please or thank you either.
Here's that link: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Great link, thanks! I've
Great link, thanks! I've tried to disengage before but got overwhelmed by the chaos and helplessness that occurred when I did. I must try again with a better plan in place and stick to things this time. Thank you for giving me some drive.
"YOU don't have to say please or thank you either."
OMG, this couldn't be a more
OMG, this couldn't be a more prefect idea! Haha, I wish. I've kept my concerns that the police will be involved shortly to myself because that will lead to another discussion of how ridiculous I am.
completely forgot one of my
completely forgot one of my all time favorite moments with this child...
When he was 10, I spent $700 on the SK Christmas gifts. When he was done opening them, he got on the phone with BM right in front of us and told her "I didn't really get anything, its like Santa didn't even come!"
And that's when you box up
And that's when you box up every single one of those gifts, return them to the store, and use that $700 to take yourself on a little vacation. Alone. Screw that kid, and screw your SO for allowing him to be an ungrateful little bastard!
I wish I had. Instead, I only
I wish I had. Instead, I only spent $500 the following year. Doh!
I second that! I'd have
I second that! I'd have boxed all that stuff right back up and made him trot his happy little ass with me back to every single store to return every damn BIT of it!
Ungrateful little jackass.
I am starting to write my
I am starting to write my disengagment letter right now. Thank you for the extra push to really do this!!!
Any other specific sites or articles I should read or things to consider first?
When I read this, I
When I read this, I think...Of course, thats exactly what I would do! Plate in trash, go to bed hungry, no more gifts, donating toys left out, etc.
But, and I can only guess why, I find myself compelled to continue trying. Trying to make everyone comfortable and happy and nourished and on time and warm and interested and loved and safe and on and on and on. I think thats called love. It doesn't help that I did once try to disengage and things fell to pieces with me being the obvious reason.
No more excuses, things have to change for my sanity and the health of the whole family. So again, any advice on doing this constructively is appreciated.
I think this is my greatest
I think this is my greatest fear. I'm done!
You are my new hero. I will
You are my new hero. I will continue to use this forum for support as things change. Please continue to comment. I don't have any biological family (DH and 2 SK are IT!) so I need a dose of reality from people who get it from time to time. THANK YOU!
(No subject)
}:)
The resentment WILL build.
The resentment WILL build. Trust me, I know. The more you do, the more they expect you to do, and NONE of it will be appreciated if you have jerky stepkids (like mine).
Just stop. Stop completely. Yes, you'll get some pushback in the beginning - it gets worse before it gets better - but it WILL get better if you remain disengaged. Well, better for you. DH won't like it because then he'll have to get off his ass and actually PARENT his kid. Or not. But either way, it won't be your problem. Don't MAKE it your problem, either!
My skids really pitched a fit when they started to realize I wasn't going to be at their beck and call, and wait on them hand and foot the way DH does, but now they've pretty much come to accept it. They know that if they come to me to do or get something for them, all they're going to get out of me is "Go ask your DAD!"
It's not an ideal situation, but disengaging was the only way I could save my marriage. Truly. If I hadn't disengaged about six months ago, I doubt DH and I would still be together. It was that bad.
The fact that your DH "lets
The fact that your DH "lets this continue though he admits its messed up" is your problem, really. You HAVE to get DH on the same page as you if things are going to change. WHY does your DH let it continue? Is it lazy parenting? Is he just out of ideas? Overwhelmed? Thinks there's no chance of changing it? A little info there could be helpful in coming up with some ideas!
He has listed every reason in
He has listed every reason in the book...
BM is a bad influence so there's not much he can do.
SS is just going through a phase.
Even he was a little racist at that age.
He'll put his foot down one day, when the time is right.
He isn't really sure how to handle the whole situation.
I believe the last is the most real reason but at what point do you decide enough is enough and your kid needs help, your family needs help??
All right. So your DH is at
All right. So your DH is at least on board in theory (good), but now you need to manage both SS and DH (not so good). However, I'm reminded of a quote - "Everyone has pressure points. You find something that is personally important to them, and you squeeze."
With SS, it's easy enough. What does he value? A cell phone? Game time? Relaxing? Whatever it is, that's his consequence for "unkind behavior" - which is a blanket label for everything from saying "thank you" to racist remarks. Don't say "thank you" to smom for dinner? Then you're doing all the dishes by yourself. Make some racist remark? Loss of cell phone for a day. Tell him (and DH) that these are the rules in advance. It'll take him a few times of being figuratively smacked in the head with the consequences of his actions, but he'll get it.
Now, DH is another issue. If he's on board in theory, then you say, "Look, I know and you know that this behavior is not acceptable. I'm done. I will not have it in my home, and I simply cannot condone this behavior by passively accepting it. So we're going to start these consequences. I expect you to have my back." If he actually does back you up, then yippie. But if not, you've got to figure out what DH's pressure points are. Often hearing it from someone else (his mom, maybe?) is the way to go, it's like they can suddenly hear it if it doesn't come from their wife. If you think his mom (or a close friend) might be an ally, go to her and lay it out. "We're having this issue with SS. DH is having trouble following through when we try to nip it in the bud. He thinks you're a good parent, could you talk to him and tell him what YOU would do?"
It sounds though like if you come up with the plan, DH might back it. He's just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle it himself. I think if you tell him "these are the new rules" he'll be OK with implementing them (or letting YOU do it) with SS.
Ooh! I've heard all of these
Ooh! I've heard all of these from my DH, too! (Except the racist thing. That's about the only thing I haven't had to deal with out of my skids.)
"Well, that's what they're used to at BM's house, so..." (This, after they piss all over the toilets, then don't flush, and leave dirty clothes and wet towels everywhere.)
"I'm going to sit them down and have a talk with them about that REALLY SOON..." (This, after damn near EVERYTHING they do.)
"But ncgal, they're just KIDS!" (This, when SS9 destroyed my son's deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Literally ripped the entire deck to shreds. UGH!)
"You know, YOUR kids aren't perfect, either." (This, after SS7 threw a chair in the classroom because he didn't want to play ball this year.)
"You're just being too hard on them." (I last heard that when I expected them to remove their dirty dishes from the table after dinner. They're 10, 8, and 7...How hard am I really being on them?!)
Do our DH's go to school somewhere to learn these excuses, or what?
My DH doesn't like to correct
My DH doesn't like to correct his kids' behavior, either.
If they do or say something inappropriate, the most he'll do is just sort of chuckle and say "Oh SS, now..." and leave it at that.
Ugh that pisses me off!