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Ss got his family back, while mine is ruined

i'mlost's picture

I've been married to dh for 7 years. He was divorced when I met him, and he also had Ss23, Sd18, and sd16 (they were 16,13,11 when we met). Dh and Bm had 50/50 custody, so they would alernate weeks..The 2 Sds and I would get along just fine. My main issue was ss. 

He never showed any respect, always talked back, would openly cuss (esspically at me). Bm sent ss to live with us because she couldn't handle him.  Hee barley tried in school, like we was barley passing, hanging out with the wrong crowd, sneak out of the house, just party all night, and consume alcohol (underage),  and he lacked any sort of direction in life .He was an angry and VERY lazy kid. He was supposed to setting a bad example for the all of his younger siblings (both sds,  and my bd (from first marriage), I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted him gone. Dh and I were on the same page and ss was sent back to live with bm. My relationship with the 2 Sds changed. They started hating me. They wouldn't talk to me (if at all), I would get the teenage eyeroll, I was told "I was not their mother". Basic teenage girls stuff. 

Ss did change for the better. I think dh was enabling him with all the pampering. Ss needed time away from him, he needed to experience what life is like without dear old dad coming to the rescue. Ss started doing great in school (i'm talking about honor roll!), he left the "bad" scene, and started to actually care about other people, not just himself. He got a part time job, got his driver's ALL MY HIMSELF.He was even given an award at the end of the school year "MOST CHANGED STUDENT". He even went to unversity in a different province. Bm was happy that with his change, but she didn't approve of kicking us kicking him out (well not your house, and your welcome for saving your kid's life). Dh and I were so proud of him, but we  couldn't tell him because we weren't invited to his graduation ceremony. 

Ss did not speak to dh for 4 years, the only person he would communicate with was bm, or the Sds. Any time dh would try to reach out to him, noting. Phone calls weren't being answered, text messages weren't being answered, e-mails. Noting. Total slience from him. Dh was heartbroken, that his eldest son wanted noting to do with him. Our relationship also went down hill from there. We would get into fights about how "I made him choose with him and me", and how he felt I purposely wanted ss gone. NOT TRUE. It's called setting boundaries. I told dh that even though ss isn't welcome back here, he can still have a relationship with him outside of the house. I would have no problem with that, and if ss comes and apologises to me, he would be welcome back after some time. Sd's labelled me as a home wrecker. They didn't cuss or yell at me. Just give me the slient treatment. 

Ss graduated with a degree in software engineering (WOW) and the moved back and got an amazing job at a tech company and he's making more money that dh and I (DOUBLE WOW). Last year Ss agreed to meet dh for lunch, I decided not go. Let them catch up. Dh came back and told me how it went. He didn't even recognize Ss. Apparently, ss grew taller, he lost a lot of weight, and his voice was deeper too, he also said that Ss now drives a lamborghini (Triple WOW). He's very sucessful at a yooung age and Dh and I couldn't have been prouder. Ss had no desire to meet me. He's still very angry at me for having dh kick out. Okay that I can understand, but he also needs to understand WHY we had too. I didn't press the issue, he's now a mature adult, if he wants to meet me, he can call and ask himself. 

The problems between dh and I only grew. We fought a lot more, Dh and the sd's (even bm at the same time) go to visit ss, while I stay at home. UMMMMM dear husband of mine, you're letting your son exlude, and your're allowing it and you're having your ex wife tag along too. Would anyone else be okay with this or am I crazy!!??

About 9 months later dh left me for bm! I begged him to reconcil, noting. He says that I tried to create a divide between him and his kids, and him and bm got to talking and he realized that he never stopped loving her. That hurt the most. 

Just last night, bd 19 showed me a picture that sd18 posted of fb saying "The old crew back together". Bm, Stb-exh, ss22,sd18, and sd16 all sitting at bm's house eating dinner. That really hurt.

I wished I found this site sooner, but I guess I just needed a place to vent.


susanm's picture

The irony, of course, is that it is very unlikely any of the good things would have happened for SS had your H continued to coddle him.  So you are indirectly responsible for him getting the kick in the pants he needed to succeed.  That will never be acknowledged and will get you exactly nothing in the divorce though.  Your soon to be ex-H is a weak jerk and a terrible father who took the easy way out by running back into BM's arms and blaming the wrong person for what he screwed up.  Get a good divorce attorney and make sure that you get exactly the fair settlement you deserve.  Don't bother to be nice.  He sure as hell wasn't!

i'mlost's picture

For the longest time, I kept thinking to myself that I did something wrong. Thank you so much!!

Rags's picture

The beauty of this is that you and you alone are responsible for Ss’s success.

My hat is off to you.

I am so sorry that you sacrificed so much of your life for this toxic, shallow and polluted gene pool.

Take care of you and celebrate your new life adventure with this toxic clan fading in your rear view mirror.

i'mlost's picture

Thank so much!! '

'toxic, shallow and polluted gene pool". Thanks for that too. I really needed a good laugh. 

Maxwell09's picture

Just wait around for a bit and have your popcorn ready. Their marriage ended for a reason and they’ll soon be reminded of that once they get over their mutual admiration of their son. They’ll separate again and the kids will choose sides again but this time you won’t be anywhere around to catch the blame. For now it is a hard pill to swallow, but dust yourself off, accept he was not the one for you and your marriage wasn’t working with or without your skids around so now you’re on to rebuilding.