Sort of a Rant - But it Could be Worse!
So, I was on this forum many years ago, venting and crying and carrying on and I have to say THANK YOU -- you were part of my healing process after leaving a very terrible step parenting situation. Fast forward years...after being completely on my own for 7+ years, I now live with a great man and his two little boys, age 7. The one boy we have full time as BF has sole custody and there is no mama in the picture. The other one is here every-other week (yea - two baby mamas, boys are same age). The little guys are not any problem as far as I'm concerned. Yes, we have typical family issues and there are issues because little guy #1 has autism and ADHD but BF is an amazing dad and he is more than wonderful to me and we are a family, basically raising the kids as "ours."
So my mini rant is BF's two OLDER sons - TEENAGERS - yes, there are more - who live in another state and are here for two weeks. LONG story short, BF hasn't seen these kids in about 3 years through NO fault of his own - I was present when he struggled to get them for Christmas two years in a row and for a couple of weeks two summers in a row and his ex made it impossible by pulling a whole bunch of crap that isn't really significant now.
Apparently it is okay that $460 a month in child support comes out of BF's pay but not okay for him to see his kids - whatever. So anyway, we finally get them for two weeks. BF had to drive 800 miles to get them and will drive 800 miles back because heaven forbid she drive two feet to shorten his trip. Anyhoo...
THANK GOODNESS BF and I are on the SAME PAGE when it comes to parenting and the rules in this home or I would be much more miserable than I am right now. These two teenage boys are damn near IMPOSSIBLE to deal with - I can not stand them! The older one greeted me - for the first time ever - with the announcement that he was moving in with us - to which I replied a very simple "No, you are not." Same evening - just two hours after he got here - he barged into our bedroom while we were getting ready for bed - and I was naked as a jaybird. He stood there and proceeded to ask me if we had any bananas - while at the same time, BF was hollering at him to get OUT of our bedroom (which he had already been told is OFF LIMITS to everyone but us). Ten minutes later he stood at the bottom of the stairs hollering at us - could he come up??? to which BF replied NO, I told you upstairs is off limits!!!
These two kids have been taught NOTHING by their mother and her man and poor BF is trying so hard to instill some values, work ethic, etc. into them in the time that he has - which I'm sure we all know you can't do that in two weeks - I told him I know he needs to try but also just try to enjoy them while you have them.
So there is the behavior - these kids are SLOBS. All their stuff is left everywhere - shoes, dirty clothes, dishes, etc. I have to repeat NO EATING IN THE LIVING ROOM every single time they get something to eat. Apparently they do not RETAIN such information from one time to the next. They seem to think that the rules which apply to the 7 year olds do not apply to them!!! Honestly, the little guys have rules and a routine and are doing great - and these older kids being around is NOT a good thing for them.
We have taken the family to an amusement park and to a lake for the day and done fun stuff - but all the older ones talk about is what they want us to buy them!!! Their grandmother is here helping - and she is absolutely appalled by their behavior and called them out on being lazy slobs. All they want to do is sit on their cell phones and watch videos and text their mother.
They are extremely immature for their ages. When the younger one saw our little dog, he started crying and running away and carrying on like he was two years old - same with my two cats. BF had to almost force him to ride any rides at the amusement park. They wanted to earn money this summer - so BF came up with some things they could help with around here - sweeping out garage, weeding, etc. - turns out they want to "earn money" by having someone hand it to them while they do nothing.
Yesterday while I was at work (BF took first week off - I am "OFF" this week but I went into work to get AWAY from them)...they walked this neighborhood knocking on doors and asking people to give them their returnable bottles and cans - which some people actually DID...and they cashed them in for money that they spent on candy and junk. BF hollered at them when he got home and told them that is NOT earning money. They will start a chore, work for a few minutes and declare that they feel like they are going to pass out and stop.
I feel sorry for these boys - I DO!! I feel sorry for BF and his mom who is trying so hard to help out around here. I feel sorry for ME because UGH...but very grateful that BF isn't like my ex-husband who coddled his lazy, good for nothing son. BF has apologized - he said he did not realize their lack of manners and lack of respect for everyone and everything was so bad. I said it's okay, let's just get through the two weeks and try to have some fun times. I did tell BF that when they visit again, he will have to take the ENTIRE time off work - because I will not take time off again when they are here and he said he understands.
They don't have a very good example with their mom and her man - they get all kinds of disability payments and what not while they work off the books - when and if they want to. The kids don't have any rules or chores or anything at their mom's house. They don't even know to take their dishes to the kitchen after they eat - which our 7 year olds do automatically!
Thank you for letting me get this out - BF and his mom are on the same page with me and are understanding - but I still feel that I can only say so much.
Oh thank you Sally!! Three
Oh thank you Sally!! Three and a half more days...but who is counting, lol!!
Wine helps!!
Wine helps!!
What a challenging situation.
What a challenging situation. Some of the stuff you mentioned is pure teen stuff all teens gravitate toward if not consistently kept on top of and since it hasn't been with them not surprised they have dove off into slothville. I think you (and partner) on mark with love them and try to have some fun with them but do enforce some basic standards while they are there as well.
We have been trying to find
We have been trying to find that balance. They are just such different kids. Last Saturday I decided to be nice or stupid lol and take all 4 boys to some local yard sales. The older ones asked which car we were taking. When I said we would be walking, the moaning and groaning and whining was plentiful and not from the little kids. The little ones came along happily while the teens lagged behind complaining. Then they had to take a break because their TUMMIES (their word) hurt, then they pouted because I wouldn't purchase a game system.
Your last blog post was from
Your last blog post was from 2012 when you were getting divorced - how have you been completely on your own for 7+ years and now in another relationship that has progressed to living together?
From April 2012: "Okay skid, you win. In three months your daddy and I will be divorced and you can manipulate him until the cows come home as I won't be there to protect him from it and his "divorced daddy guilt" will allow you to continue to do it."
If you had so much trouble with the last step family situation why would you get into a relationship with someone with 3 baby mamas? Especially when 2 skids are the same age, meaning he was either cheating on one, cheating on both, or having unsafe sex with random women.
If you were my sister I would tell you to run before he makes you baby mama #4.
P.s. I wouldn't worry about the teens.
"All they want to do is sit on their cell phones and watch videos and text their mother."
That sounds right. Well, not the texting mom part LOL. If they haven't seen their dad in 3 years and consider this two week visit to be a one time thing, they don't have to behave, do chores or help out. Why bother?
I lived by myself for over 5
I lived by myself for over 5 years before finally getting divorced. As for taking on the step parent role again, never say never I guess. Believe me there were many long discussions about my past experience, expectations, etc. It is so much different this time it is like night and day. I am the mom in this house and that is that. Just the other day the little guy who has a mom was complaining that he isn't allowed to climb doorways and have hard candy here like at his mom's. I just looked at him and said, "The rules here are not going to change." I agree there should not be chores etc. when the older ones are here on a short visit but they had specifically asked for jobs they could do here to earn extra money above and beyond the $50 their dad gave each of them to have for spending money. Now they just want to know when they will get paid but they have yet to complete a job. Last night their grandmother asked them to clean up the debris from where she trimmed our roses. They raked it into the neighbor's lawn and left it and told their grandmother that job was worth $20.
I won't even try to deny that
I won't even try to deny that you have a valid point. However, their father has made many attempts to get them here for visits and their mother has always come up with a reason to screw up the plan. She even tried it this time, saying at the last minute that they really should attend a summer enrichment program for these two weeks. BF and his mother had to threaten to take her to court to make her knock it off. As for the kids being angry...maybe. But I really don't know if they have the capacity to go there. At any rate if they don't want to do a damned thing around here that is fine with us but they asked for jobs they could do for us to earn money. They don't want to do any of them but keep asking their dad and grandma when they will be paid. Paid for WHAT??? One job that grandma asked the younger one to do, he came and asked me to do it for him. They both try to get the little kids to wait on them, which I will not allow. Edited to add: BF did not walk away from his kids. That is a whole long story about how his ex came to move them to another state to be closer to her sister, blah blah blah.
Why are they asking when they
Why are they asking when they will get paid? BM probably laid it out for them finances wise. She gets $460 a month for 2 teen boys, aka human garbage disposals. BM may have told them, your dad doesn't bother to see you for years and he barely pays for your food, let alone your clothing, sports, school expenses, doctors or anything else. He's over there paying for his other 2 kids. So when they finally see dad they expect to get paid.
Doesn't mean it's right. But that could be their thinking.
That is pretty much what BF's
That is pretty much what BF's mother said!!
I wouldn't worry too much
I wouldn't worry too much about it. In a few days you will never see these kids again.
I think they will be back.
I think they will be back. For BF's and the kids sake I hope so. However I have told BF that next time I won't be taking time off work to supervise them, he will have to be off the entire time they are here. He agrees.
I doubt they will be back.
I doubt they will be back. Teens who have to drive 800 miles round trip, spend 12 hours in the car, just to visit a dad they had seen once in 3 years and kid siblings who are basically strangers? They didn't like the activities you had planned. BF didn't give them much money or buy them much stuff. They got yelled at. From a teenager standpoint this was a failed experiment that won't be repeated. The highlight was probably seeing your boobs though.
Yeah...I still say it is a
Yeah...I still say it is a breath of fresh air to not have a significant other who cowers to that "divorced daddy guilt". Although he is taking them for new sneakers - because they need them.
Lol another thing the skids
Lol another thing the skids don't care about - how their dad's lack of daddy guilt is good for dads gf.
Just wanted to add that yes,
Just wanted to add that yes, they do have to behave here in my home and last I knew, I was too smart to get pregnant and even if I wasn't , I am missing some of the required parts.
Time to call and report BM
Time to call and report BM and her man for disability fraud. Nail em to the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a good teaching point to give to the elder StepSpawn.
But, but, but...then they
But, but, but...then they migh have to get jobs and work!! You should see these kids absolute fascination (in a horrified way) with the fact that BF and I get up and go off to work. Questions like "wow, you have to go to work again?" Why do you have to be to work so early? Etc. etc.
Fortunately for the younger
Fortunately for the younger two they have a dad and a mom (you) to set the example and demonstrate viable adulthood and character. The elder two are probably lost causes but .... I think the effort should be made none the less.
My SS is thriving as a young adult and a 23 has accomplished far more than any member of the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool has ever accomplished for generations.
Good luck to you and DH and your younger two.
Welcome back by the way.
Thank you Rags - I appreciate
Thank you Rags - I appreciate that.