Sneaky BM
So SD9 that refuses to see DH, throws fits and hates us. Now she wants DH to take her out for Valentines Day, which honestly I am fine with. DH didn't really want to her rather spend the night with me. But he said fine he would go.
Well they make plans, pick up times and everything SD mentions BM wanted to go with them. This I am not fine with nor is DH. The entire time I figured BM was trying to ruin our Valentines Day but I just let it go, since it was just DH and SD. Now BM is saying well SD wants her to go. And it will be good for them to have a night as a "family". He does not see a family wit the three of them all together, its SD and BM, then its DH and SD (well trys to be). But BM DH and SD are not a family.
DH told SD he would take her but not BM. SD of course said she wants BM to go, but she will still go even if BM can't.
I know how it will end up, DH will drive the almost hour to get her, SD will cry for BM to go, it will be a huge fight. BM will make DH look awful for not wanting to spend time with SD. DH wants to spend time with SD but not BM, and honestly I see nothing wrong with that. He shouldn't have to take BM on a date just to make SD happy.
One solution I have is me and him go to pick up SD, if SD still does not want to go then at least me and him have a night together. And if SD decides to go but doesn't want me eating with them I will sit at another table read my book and eat like a happy little chipmunk.
10 years DH and me have been together, ( we met right after she announced she was prego), and BM still can't understand I am staying around FOREVER!!!! I feel like I still need to make my stand in the relationship when it comes to her, mark my territory.
Does any one else have this problem, BM just can't let DH go? They think they should be a family for the child, she and him were nothing but booty calls to each other. Its not like they dated for 3 years and then he left her, he called her when he wanted to use her. (EWWWW) but anyways I am just a little annoyed.
Periodically the SpermIdiot
Periodically the SpermIdiot would corner SS when he was on SpermLand visitation and ask "Does your mom still love me?" For the first few years we were married he would call lamenting the end of their relationship. The relationship he cheated repeatedly during.
I had great joy over those calls. My wife would bust out laughing, make some comment about how pathetic the SpermIdiot was... and hang up.
I have never once felt the need to stake out my territory regarding my bride. We both have no issue with the other taking some personal time, going out with friends, traveling to visit friends or family, etc... without the other.
I will say that as I have gotten older (I turned 54 day before yesterday) that my wife just keeps getting younger and hotter (she is 42). She gets a ton of attention from men, and women, of a wide range of ages from late teens to a decade or more older than I am. When we are out and about we both make it a point to hold hands and if some dipshit is making her feel uncomfortable she will make it a point to take my arm.
BM did the same. Made little
BM did the same. Made little references to them being together... Used the "well we're a family." Convinced the girls I wasn't family with them... All the fun stuff (thankfully mostly in the past since she's who knows where). She too was a serial cheater. My working theory is that the serial cheaters have hit reality and miss the stability of the relationship. Not actually the person. So now, instead of worrying about that, I write her off as a bit pathetic. I still dislike her VERY VERY strongly for everything she does and continues to do. But when it comes to that crap. She made her bed, and now she's having to lie in it and will continue to lie there because she dug it deep enough she's not getting back out.
Aside: Happy B-Day, Rags!
Aside: Happy B-Day, Rags! Whippersnapper.
Awww Rags! Happy belated
Awww Rags! Happy belated birthday!
I think it's super sweet you still refer to her as your bride. Can you please just make a training program for men already? I bet you'd make mega bucks.
I think your solution sounds
I think your solution sounds perfectly reasonable, but the only issue is what if SD goes without demanding her mom go? Will you go with both of them to dinner?
And I don't think DH should engage in any drama with SD. "Hi honey, let's go out to eat." If she demands her mom come, DH's response should be, "I'm here to see you, SD, not your mom. I'm married to Tothend. I hope you change your mind as I drove all the way here on a weeknight to see you." Exit stage left.
haha I like exit stage left.
haha I like exit stage left.
SD either way will not go with out BM, mostly because of BM. BM has SD on a guilt trip for her, if BM is not happy SD can't be happy. What BM wants BM should get and SD thinks DH is evil for not being with BM.
DH view is he wants to go to show SD he care about her, but I think that will back fire.
He will get up there SD will throw a huge fit when he refuses to let BM go, BM will make SD think DH doesn't care about her enough to try. In the end DH will end up looking bad. If DH doesn't go he looks like he doesn't care. And I honestly do not think taking BM is a real option, if he did (which WILL NOT HAPPEN if I have a say), it will give SD the view they are getting together, and maybe even lead BM to think the same in her small little weak mind.
I don't care if SD thinks I am mean, I can go and say all day long no BM get over it. Hopefully taking some of the evilness off of DH. (Even though I see nothing wrong with him not wanting to be around BM, they don't have to go out and be around each other. SD is who he is trying to have a connecting with not BM. BM can't handle that she wants him to be hung up on her.)
Agree with Tessa - your DH
Agree with Tessa - your DH should still go up there and if SD refuses to come out without BM then DH should politely say that's a shame you won't honour what we agreed and leave.
The more you pander to tantrums and demands the more that behaviour continues.
As for you going, I don't think that would be right as DH agreed with SD that it would just be the two of them so he can hardly get upset about her trying to change that agreement on spot (as he expects she will) if he also does the same thing by bringing you along.
Is Wednesday his day to see
Is Wednesday his day to see SD? She refuses to see him then expects a reward? No one is going to play "happy family". That is NOT allowed.
Alienation is at play and I think your hubby has more to worry about than a Valentine's date.
I agree, BM has been keeping
I agree, BM has been keeping SD away and filling her head with awful things. We are working on this now.
I agree he is just trying to make little steps to get back in her life. Back story to all of this but he is not giving up.
The Girhippo did this to
The Girhippo did this to Chef...suggesting once a week "family" dinners meaning Chef the Gir and the three ferals. He was badgered into it; I said it was a bad idea-- setting a dangerous precedent of making an illusion of mom and dad being together again.
You have got yourself a PASing GUBM!
http://shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-golden...
Oh yeah, I have been through
Oh yeah, I have been through all of this nonsense and much more.
The skids would come here and sit and do walks down memory lane with DH in front of me.
The skids would ask DH to come to their house and sleep over on Christmas Eve so that they could wake up with him on Christmas morning. He did it the 1st year that we were dating then never again although they kept asking.
He was continually invited to family this and family that with the skids and BM's side of the family.
He was made to feel guilty by BM and the skids many, many times. The skids tugged on his heart strings. Honestly I knew that he had no interest in BM but it was beyond ridiculous the stuff that went on. BM would call him to come to their house for all of her maintenance issues because after all it was for their children.
When did it stop? 15 years later when all of the skids were out of school, CS ended and she got married.
In hind sight I shouldn't have worried so much about the skids and their little feelings and their relationship with their father and put myself on the back burner. I should have put my foot down and stopped the nonsense early on. Because in the end it didn't matter. The skids hate me and honestly I don't care if I ever see them again. DH has a basically one sided relationship with them. He continues to reach out to them and he only hears from them and they only give him the time of day if they want money or it's time for a gift.
Getting back to the situation it is all about respect. SD and BM need to respect you and your relationship with your DH. They are crossing boundaries and that is not OK.
Go for the ride with DH to pick up the little princess after all an hour there and back all alone is a long time and you do after all want to keep him company right?
You can opt out of dinner for some shopping or something close by so that they can have their one on one time right?
I would suggest you buying a little gift for her but don't bother. I did that for every holiday for many years and at the end all of the things that I did for them for years never mattered.
Good luck!
WTH did I just
WTH did I just read.....
Woman have you lost it, Valentines are for lovers, not for daughters... sorry SD, but we are going out for a romantic dinner, we will see you later.
This girl has been ignoring her father, and now she and her mother came up with a plan to be a family and you stupidly agrees? When DH told you no why did you demand him to do this? Seems like your DH is on the right path and you are trying to change it, simply disengage and let him do what he feels is right. He wanted to spend V day with you and not his daughter, you pushed him away..
There's 2 options now....
1. DH goes to pick up SD for their dinner, BM excluded, if SD cries cause she wants BM to go with, DH should simply say, SD we are divorced I'm married again, I will not be seen dining with other woman but my wife, cheerio, then DH leaves and comes home.
2. You and DH go to pick up SD, BM excluded, if SD refuses to get into the car, it's simply, DH: SD this is my wife, I take her on dates, you are my daughter but I'm not forcing you to come, cheerio and then you and DH leave... if SD gets into the car, you will not sit at your own table, you and DH will sit together and it will be a normal family meal.
Why turn Valentines it into a
Why turn Valentines it into a child/parent event anyway, may be just me but I've always thought it was a bit odd, there are so many other celebrations to include children. Your SD9 & her BM could bring this up every year forever more using the excuse that it's a 'tradition' with your DH that they want to carry on.
Why in the world would you be
Why in the world would you be fine with this? And why in the world would he want to drive an hour to potentially be set-up on a “for the family” V-Day date, because SD’s out-of-whack fee-fees?
This is a no-brainer. He’s giving those two too much power. Surely he can drive an hour, on another day, to take SD out for a no-special-occasion date, just because?
The only reason I was ok with
The only reason I was ok with it was because he is trying to be able to see his daughter. And any chance BM will let him he does. We are going to court but until then he just trying. I am ok with him seeing SD not BM
Your husband just needs to
Your husband just needs to shut this whole thing down. He is being manipulated by both, his daughter and BM.
Yep, typical HCGUBM
Yep, typical HCGUBM shenanigans!!!! My SO's ex got super pissed one year on SD's bday because she wanted the "core family" meaning BM, SD and SO to go out to dinner for her bday. SO said (without even consulting me) "NO way we are divorced, I'm not putting the wrong ideas into SD's head that we are still a family, we aren't!"....then GUBM flipped and accused me of being jealous and insecure and controlling and blah blah blabbity blah! Oh and GUBM had a bf at the time but she still went on this tirade! Freaking INSANE! She also has in the CO that SO has to do "shared holidays" for Halloween and 4th of July. If SO wants to see SD on these days it is some weird forced family togetherness. Ugh!
I do think Vday shouldn't be about the kids. I get mine a little gift back with candies and what not and then have a date with SO...but I'm sure if it was a scheduled time with SD we would have to postpone our date to make the world revolve around SD :sick:
I agree with one of the other posters. If you go do not sit at another table. Don't give SD that power. She is a little girl not his WIFE!
Thank you, DH has decided not
Thank you, DH has decided not to go after BM demand he meet her for lunch today if the dinner would not work . She needs to talk about the visitation agreement and try to work it out with out court. Of course SD would not be at the lunch since she is in school and I am at work.
DH said not happening, BM then let him know she will just show up at the house and force him to talk about it today. He said no thanks again and that she is not welcome on our property.
Gah, she sounds like a major
Gah, she sounds like a major nutcase. I feel for you...I know how that is...got one on our end also! Anything to try to cause drama/conflict. Of course she has to talk about this today on Valentine's day. These HCBM are always trying to make themselves relevant when they are not anymore! I'm glad your DH told her NO!
At least you don't have to worry about that special dinner and drive tonight!
When I first started seeing
When I first started seeing SO, BM1 learned that he and BM2 were over and she would send him suggestive pictures and ask him why SS asks her if SO still loves her-about how she doesn't "look bad for 2 kids". Funny thing is, that while she was doing this she was a few months preggo with trapkid #3.
Some women just don't get it.
I hope DH is documenting all
I hope DH is documenting all of this. He needs all communications to be in writing.