SM coparenting seriously ill SS-23- help with BM visits!
Greetings folks, hope you can help! This is a complex issue (aren't they all?), so bear with me as I explain...
I've been living with my SO for 2 years (after LDR for 5 years). All of our children (his 2 boys, my 2 girls and 1 boy) are grown, and were living away from home when we moved in together, so I was until recently more of an honorary step mother.
Recently his adult son moved back in with us due to a health crisis that will likely be ongoing (months maybe years). While things were in "emergency" mode, all 3 parents involved (my SO, me and his ex- who lives a few hours away) stepped up to the plate, in "adrenalin mode" and worked well together as a team, since the issue was, literally, survival. This centered mainly around hospital duties, doctor/clinic visits, meds, etc.
Now that he is home with us and somewhat stable (but not necessarily recovering yet, it's a long road), we are staring down months maybe years of co-caregiving, verging on co-parenting as the boy/man has limited energy and needs his meds and other things managed, can't cook for himself, etc.
This will of course include visits with his mother. We live in the country, 40 mins from the nearest town, where she used to live (she has a few friends and another son in that town).
Obviously, a complicated situation! My main issue recently is that I am struggling with arrangements for her visits to see her son.
Since she works full time far away, we are the primary caregivers, and she has been coming about 2x per month, mainly on weekends. I am sometimes away visiting my aging parents, so her visits have overlapped with my absence, which is some ways has been fine with me (less tension), in others (her sleeping over at our house) not so much.
I am not sure what are reasonable boundaries in this case. I work from home, so I am around a lot, and don't necessarily want to share the space with her for a few days twice a month. My SO thinks it would be inhospitable to require her to stay in town when she visits, and honestly that might make things awkward in some ways, but at the same time I get frantic sometimes being forced to socialize with someone I have mixed feelings about, or-alternately-having to know that she is living at our house with my SO (her ex) while I am gone. (although I'm not really worried about them hooking up, I have an issue with jealousy that I am working on with a therapist).
I am planning to talk to her so we can coordinate her visits better (her and I, since my SO has been caught in the middle and it's stressful for all), but am not sure how to talk about my concerns without alienating her or making things awkward...she's not super obtuse, and seems to want to truly help out, so there is hope, but I don't have a lot of co-parenting skills, and this situation is intense (co-parent potentially co-habiting).
Any advice would be welcome!
Let her stay at a hotel.
Let her stay at a hotel. It's your house. And if your not comfortable with her being alone with your husband than she shouldn't be. Maybe I'm a cold biotch but that's how I feel.
Maybe you should ask the
Maybe you should ask the other SS if BM and ill SS can come stay with him while the BM is visiting, this would give both you and your DH a break with no stress.
OP here, I really appreciate
OP here, I really appreciate the quick responses!
Actually, the suggestions to stay at other SS is what she did the last time around, on her own initiative (I think, unless DH gave her a heads up)...and it seemed to work pretty well, except that she invited herself up here for lunch the day after, when she "dropped him off"....so, it was really nice to have couple time, but then we had to host her....which made me kinda crazy, as we had planned to have a family lunch that didn't include BM....
Sooooo I turned the lemons into lemonade by taking the opportunity to take a long walk with her and talk about our respective needs, the impact of all of this on DH and I, and how great it was to have had a couple's weekend, etc. and to tell her I was going to be the point person for scheduling/arranging details of future visits.
(My DH was doing this before, but I needed to have more control as they were reproducing their longtime dynamic of her stating her plans at the last minute, him not wanting to put any limits on her requests, and me feeling frustrated, so I cut him out of the equation....). I am not nearly so maleable, haven't got the baggage with her, so I am hoping it will be easier for me at least.
We agreed on dates for the next visit, which will be arranged in the same way, and I will wrangle it so we pick SS up so we don't have to do a 2 or 3 hour lunch together.
She's not a b*itch, just younger and used to getting her way with DH (a dynamic that emerged when they were sharing custody), but I also know it's gotta be hard that her son prefers to stay with us, and she has to access him through arranging things with us....but I am hopeful things may be workable, even if sometimes unpleasant for everyone...
I do think it's possible to be adults about things, and genuinely take each others' needs into account, and try to work together. That is what we all say we want to be doing, but there are always these unspoken dynamics (her last minute planning, DHs acquiescence, and my desire for control) that are in play, and can frustrate even the most well intentioned efforts...
Any additional ideas are welcome!
Thanks y'all! I'll let you know how things unfold
This was a life threatening
This was a life threatening thing, right?
I'm on the opposite side here.
I hope your SS is doing better and that he will eventually be able to care for himself.
Until that time I think you are doing a wonderful thing, letting his Mother come stay with him and care for him.
I would put myself in her place. If it was your child who was ill wouldn't you want to see him and help out? Does it help to look at it as she's trying to take some of the burden off you and DH, if only once or twice a month?
Unless she is a crazy person, a liar or totally unreasonable sit down and talk to her. Be honest, tell her it is awkward and uncomfortable for you to have her in your house. If she's a normal person, I bet she feels uncomfortable being in your house too. She's there because she loves her son and wants to see him. This isn't ideal for her either.
Work out something so that she understands that as soon as SS is well enough to travel and stay somewhere else, you expect that she will visit and stay with him in town. Just make sure she understands that this isn't a permanent situation.
Good luck and I hope you find a workable solution.
thank you, notsobad....I
thank you, notsobad....I think you summed it up really well, and as a mother myself (of 3 grown kids, now living away), I can empathize with her. And yes, I agree, it can't be overly pleasant for her either, to have to deal with the ex (there is tension) or with me (apparently I intimidate her a little).
Added to that, both DH ad I work from home most of the time, so when she is here, it's not like we're gone all day at the office, we are in each other's faces a lot, throughout the day. That is one of the big difficulties for me, as it feels like an invasion of my home AND work space. But, sigh, I do empathize and am doing the emotional work needed to deal with it....
In an ideal world, we'd all just be one big happy family, but we all have a lot of baggage here, so I am hoping we can at least aspire to tolerating being uncomfortably together sometimes, and giving each other breathing room at others.
Ill SS is well enough to visit his brother for an overnight, so that is what seems to be happening now. And if DH and I manage to plan a getaway, then I don't have a problem with her and her partner coming and staying at our place for a few days. but we're trying not to spend $$--this emergency has had a financial cost, too.
I admit, one of my peeves though is the self-inviting. like last weekend, I really would have preferred not to host her for lunch. I can do the ex- shuffle a few times a year, but not twice a month, so I would appreciate ways of communicating that without seeming heartless/inhospitable.....or should I just swallow it sometimes and be busy at others?
thanks again
It sounds like you guys are
It sounds like you guys are all coming together and trying very hard to be respectful of each other and of the situation.
You should be proud of yourself, you are adulting and you are doing it well from the sounds of it. LOL
It is okay to say no once in awhile and to tell everyone involved that you need some time to yourself or that you need some couple time. Like that meme with an empty cup, you can't fill anyone else's needs if you are empty.
I think as long as you keep communicating with DH, SS and BM you'll get through this. I think as long as you are honest and open your communications won't be heartless or inhospitable. Your written word comes across as articulate and compassionate, I would think that you are the same when talking in person.
thanks for your words,
thanks for your words, notsobad. you' sound very compassionate and articulate yourself.
It's daunting to read on the forums the many challenges ppl. have in the step parenting role, but it's really nice to feel heard!
And yes I aspire most of all to be sustainably compassionate. It's hard emotional work, but really worth it. one thing I found myself saying to BM on our walk the other day was, "I've been leaning away from this, and feeling really conflicted, not sure if I could do it, but I realized I had to lean into it"
...it seems to have worked for the moment. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me! now I just have to learn to live with imperfect control, feeling uncomfortable graciously, being strategically absent, and taking care of myself, too.
thanks for your support!
thank you, CGF99, I am trying
thank you, CGF99, I am trying hard to get past my panic (I have abandonment issues) that "they" are going to become a family again, and in truth, I've been amazed at the power (I perceive) the biological unit still has at this stage (they've been separated for many years).
So I am grappling with a very common feeling among SMs--feeling like an outsider, in my own home!
But then again, BM also must feel like that in different ways when she comes to our home and knows her visits create some tension.
But I admire her for not letting that stop her from seeing her son when she can.
And she has expressed a lot of gratitude to me (as has DH), for what I am doing for their son. (I came to this living situation late in the game, so never raised either of the boys, though we have really cordial relations, we're not super close and I don't try to force that, it is happening naturally through this crisis anyways.)
And lastly, yes I agree ppl. can feel hurt in the moment, but after having had time to think things through they can learn to at least live with it, and hopefully even gain a better perspective....this goes for me, too!
thanks SJ, and yes, I've
thanks SJ, and yes, I've started to do this. DH wouldn't have been able to tell her, for example, that her suggested visit on Boxing Day didn't work for us, or me at least (DH's mother will be here and that is the day we'll be having our family Christmas dinner, so I really wanted to guard the space for "our" family).
But I was able to negotiate that with her, and I could see that it was difficult for her, but she graciously accepted that, and we settled on a visit with the whole family the day after, so she could see her former MIL as well (there's healing that needs to be done there, too, and I recognize and accept that).
So we all seem to be giving what we can, and I will get better at recognizing when I am being pushed too far--I tend to get panicky or withdraw, which are clear signals!
Meanwhile I am seeking a lot of support from friends, which has also helped, as they validate my feelings (don't feel caught in the middle like DH does). AND taking care of myself (time alone, long walks daily (great for venting with no one to hear), and seeing a counsellor by myself.
Really appreciate the forum feedback! thx again
forgot to say, thank you,
forgot to say, thank you, notsobad for the good wishes--we need them!
and yes, it WAS/IS life threatening, which is important, so I am trying to bring my best game, and for that we need to communicate our needs and limits to each other so this can be sustainable.
I mean, it's not mainly about me, and most of what I do in regard to the situation is care for other people, but if I feel like there is no room for my needs, then I don't think it would be sustainable for me in the long run, and the situation could go on for a while...
that's actually one of the hardest parts-how to know when I need to prioritize MY needs (including couple time, which I think DH needs too but is less proactive about). when I start to melt down is one answer, but that often is too late, i.e. when the tears, anger, distancing, or general burned out-ness have already taken a toll.
thanks folks!
you are under no obligation
you are under no obligation to play hotel just because someones son is ill and needing help.
who knows? maybe people can take the high road when someone is ill and needing care. still the decision to open your home is yours.
we had a family gathering last month and sm was there with her third husband. i tried to take the high road at the gathering, but knowing that she cheated when she was married to dh made me upset. maybe she is now an honest woman but she was certainly a tramp when she was married to him who is now my husband. she slept with a married man and obliged him to divorce his wife to marry her. karma visited her when this husband cheated with another woman. what she did as a young woman almost 25 years ago affected several people permanently: the lovers wife, her children, her own children, her ex husband and me, his wife.
thanks SS. Yes on some level
thanks SS. Yes on some level i know there's no obligation written in stone, but given that this young man has a life threatening illness, I feel that I need to be as open hearted as possible (as long as I don't feel I am being taken advantage of, and I have pretty good radar for that).
Also, I have no unpleasant history with BM. DH and I got together long after their separation (though I did push him to finally get a divorce, which was uneventful). As is common, they both were not at their best at the end of their relationship; there was no "BAD GUY' but a lot of hurt, and they have been working on mending that where possible (I think some tension will always be present).
I almost feel sorry for the BM you describe, she sounds like a mess! And young messes can sometimes get what they want/need but older messes, no so much....
that's also BTW part of why I think it's important to me to try to be an adult here (and this works best when everyone is trying to do same, obviously, much harder when other "adults' are being children).
I want to be a wise and compassionate older woman, I want to have learned something from my time on the planet, to help me enjoy more the remaining time I've got....so I recognize that some of the onus is on me to do the hard emotional work.
I don't want to be a victim, as I find that very disempowering. What I'm striving for is to feel grounded in my own values, practices and needs, and aspire to achieve them (i say aspire 'cause ya know it ain't always gonna work!)
thanks
Your SS is in your home,
Your SS is in your home, there is no reason to host his mother beyond spending the day with her ailing son.
She can stay in a hotel.
IMHO of course.
thanks for the continuing
thanks for the continuing comments, folks! I really appreciate the feedback. It feels so isolating sometimes to be a step mother, in ways that the birth parents can't understand.
Staying in hotels is not an option, none of us can really afford that (this illness has really stretched us all financially, and if she's going to spend $, we'd rather she gave it to us to help pay for the added expense, this is a pending issue, but we will get to it eventually- baby steps!). So in the spirit of being understanding (within limits), I can accept that sometimes she will stay with us. I've spoken to the BM about the impact this illness has had on us as a couple, and fortunately she is the kind of person who will take that to heart, as she has shown.
I think having some control has helped enormously, as I was mainly feeling that "they" (BM and DH) were making all the decisions and I had no say. Even though I was consulted, I felt placed in a situation where they made plans then asked me after the plans were made, so I wasn't part of the initial process and I had to be the "bad guy" if I wanted something different. And it all went through DH, so it left him feeling stressed, trying to make everyone happy. Also, the timeframe for making decisions has been really short, and I need more time to get in touch with how I am feeling and what I want/need.
So now I'm the one organizing (with BM), and feel like I am in a better negotiating position, not merely subject to their way of negotiating (which doesn't work well for me). So, everyone is adjusting, or trying to, and that's been a good thing...
My DH's older son died in his
My DH's older son died in his 30s a few years ago about six months after being diagnosed with advanced cancer. The strapping man who weighed 200+ pounds only weighed 88 pounds when he died. So I have some experience here.
I also have multiple friends who unfortunately have lost adult children. I do have empathy for them. It is a HIDEOUS loss to lose a child. Or to almost lose a child. It is horrible beyond comprehension.
But I have to say that BM would never have been welcome to stay in my home no matter who was dying. It is not my job to save the world. It's not like BM could never see her child again if she doesn't stay in your home. It's just more convenient. Surely she can drive 40 minutes to see her child. You are not forbidding her to set foot in your home. You are just telling her to go drive a few miles to spend the night elsewhere.
thanks for your words,
thanks for your words, notasm3. I am so sorry for yours and DHs loss. Just can't imagine!
This is indeed one of the hardest challenges I've ever faced, and I'm not even the bio parent here. It's so heart wrenching it's hard to know what's up or down (and what's reasonable or not), so your perspective helps a lot.
I think part of the issue is that DH has his own dance with his ex, they have developed a pattern of relating that he is not comfortable challenging, I'm aware of why on some levels but not on others, and the unknowns make it difficult.
So, as I mentioned, I cut him out of the planning loop (kinda like, I cut in on their dance and now it's me dancing with the BM on this issue at least, and the steps are naturally different).
I feel a lot better, with at least some control over issues that matter a lot to me (like, who stays over at my house, who comes for lunch, etc. etc., ultimately how comfortable I am/am entitled to be in my own home).
But what you say makes me feel better- like I haven't been unreasonable! or inhospitable, which is what DH said was bothering him about my discomfort...so of course I didn't feel validated. yada yada yada....
Knowing how deep rooted their dance is, however, I am fully expecting one or both of them to try to get back to their comfort zone
I'll keep posting as things develop!