Sleeping with BM/BD?
I admit I'm annoyed with my SO -- an otherwise wonderful, lovely man. His wife passed away a couple of years ago, and he's raising their 10-year-old daughter by himself. We've been together for a few months now, enjoy one another a lot and enjoy the physical aspects of our relationship a lot. The only times we get to share a bed, however, is when the daughter is sleeping over with friends (read: once every 2 weeks). One of the primary reasons for this arrangement is that his BD frequently crawls into bed with him during the night.
We've both expressed frustration about that, and he's talked about putting a lock on her door, a lock on his door (more appropriate, if you ask me), talking to her about boundaries, etc., but there's been no follow-through in a couple of months. Fair enough. This evening over dinner, his BD talks about having a hard time falling asleep last night and I ask her what she normally does when that's the case. She tells me she rarely has that problem because she gets to cuddle with her dad, and that when he goes to sleep and she's awake, he invites her to come to bed with him.
I'm annoyed -- on the one hand, I *think* that 10 is an age where kids don't need to regularly sleep with their parents anymore. More importantly, though, if he's encouraging the behavior, how does he ever expect it to stop? As things stand, I'm supposed to stay with them for a couple of months later this year, and it looks like I'll be relegated to the guest-room -- his loss, if you ask me.
Long story short -- is it normal for a 10-year-old to sleep in her BD/BM/parents' bed? If not, how would you -- the BD/BM/ etc. -- discourage it? It's not my place to speak to the matter with BD, but I'd love to hear of constructive ways in which blended families have handled this one.
Not appropriate...
At 10, children should not be sleeping with a parent or adult of the opposite sex. There is lots of literature out to support this. But you are right, you're not the person to change this behaviour or to point it out because SO will not appreciate that input and possible because your motives are not for what is in the child's best interests only, but your own as well (nothing wrong with that, just doesn't make the argument as valid). Is there someone else that he might feel comfortable discussing this with? Has he ever gone to grief counselling? Have you two ever gone to counselling? Because living with the antics of a SO's ex is very challenging but living withe the ghost of a deceased ex, who is often canonized to sainthood, isn't easy either. Might be worth getting some proactive counselling together.
Not Healthy
My Skids ALL were sneaking in Daddy's bed at night when I first met them. They were 6,7, and 10 years old. DH put a stop on that when he and I got married. It would be 2 AM and one of them would be knocking at our door and I REFUSE to sleep with them. No telling what sick crap BM would make up if she heard they were sleeping with us. The sleeping with BF stemmed from them being very insecure losing him since BM abandoned them. They needed reassurance that neither BF nor myself were going anywhere. They just needed to know we were just in the next room. I mean come on I slept with my children when they were very small and I stopped that too. I was waking up with their little knees in my kidneys and their feet in my mouth. I put a stop on that as well. They have their own beds and own rooms. DH's and my bedroom was ours. You have to set boundaries and they needed to respect My privacy as well.
RE:
SS sleeps in the bed with BM a lot of the time. I think it's inappropriate. He's 8 years old and has done this his entire life. The reason I find it inappropriate though is that BM has a really weird creepy codependent connection to SS. She calls him her best friend, her only man, etc...and I fear what she might be doing to him or potentially do to him in the future when he's in bed with her. We can't affect what she does in her home with him though unless there's solid proof of abuse so I guess we just have to live with it and try not to think about the worst that could happen
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
If the courts were involved
If the courts were involved they wouldn't allow it. My niece's BD had a 1BR apt. up until she was about 6 - every time she'd stay with him (every other weekend and all summer), they'd share a bed. My sister let the court know this and they ORDERED him to get a 2BR apt. and a separate bed for the child. Your SO already has a separate room for her it sounds like, but if he's any kind of father, he has to make her sleep alone. I'm not suggesting any hanky-panky is going on (disgusting!), but it probably just makes them both feel secure and makes him feel needed. It was sweet when she was 4. Now it's getting sick.
The girl's going to go through puberty soon. Sleeping with Daddy has GOT to stop. (I was going to type "IMO" after this, but no. I don't think it's just an opinion. I think it's empirically wrong.)
Blueberry's Baby
10?????
I see no reason that a child needs to sleep with their parents at all. I have 3 bio children (22, 15, and 5) and they have never slept with me in my bed.If my children have had bad dreams or are sick ect then, of course, I will go into their rooms to comfort them and cuddle them until they fall back to sleep or feel better. I saw to many parents make that mistake and then have a hell of a time getting their children to sleep in their own beds. (My Dh with the golden child for instance) In my opinion, it's a bad habit to get started and very difficult to break.
At 10 years old their is absolutley no reason for it. Especially, to displace his significant other and make you sleep else where so his daughter can sleep with him!! I would be very annoyed if I were you and even more annoyed to discover that he was encouraging it. I, personally, wouldn't be staying over night with that brand of arrangement.
I also think that if your SO would like you to continue to "sleep over" that it is your place to say something about it. I would just tell him that if he would like you to sleep over then his daughter needs to sleep in her own bed and stay in her own bed while you are there. If he has a problem with that then you don't stay over.
If your SO is also frustrated about it. I wonder why he doesn't put a stop to it and encourages it?? He shouldn't have to put a lock on his bedroom door to keep out a 10 year old. She should already know to respect a closed door. My children knew to knock on a closed door by the time they were three years old.
He simply needs to tell her NO and stick to it..She is 10 and trust me by that age she has some idea what goes on between a man and woman behind a closed bedroom door. No explaination is necessary.
SD did the same
When DH moved in with me, SD did the same thing. She would come crawl into bed, refusing to sleep without him. The reason being was when DH had first got custody, SD was 2 and he only had one bed apt. But I refused to allow this. I already knew from BD that this is not healthy. Her therapist told me to never allow this.I flat out told DH that there would be no us if this continued. No way would I compete with a 3 year old for time that is rightfully mine. So, he would put her to bed and when she came back in, he would march her right back in. It took about two weeks of being constant and listening to her screaming, but we have our own bed now. It has been almost two years and the only time the gitls sleep in our bed is when they are severely ill. Otherwise, back to your own bed.
I think it is very unhealthy for a 10 year old to sleeping with her dad. At 10, children are aware of more things. What if dad ends up with an erection in his sleep? I mean, it happens! Oh, I just couldn't do it. When I found out that BD was sleeping in the same bed as her dad when she would go over to visit, I put an end to it immediately. He now has her in her own room. If nothing else, it prevents them from developing their independance. I would put a stop to it NOW. Besides, having a healthy sex life with DH helps keep your marriage strong. And a strong marriage will benefit your kids always. Good Luck!
Once they are out of my uterus, they are out of my bed.
Sick, nightmare, hurt, scared... yep, come on in and snuggle for a few minutes, but then it's back to your own bed. My littlest one, BD4, sometimes gets up too early (like at five!) and we'll let her snuggle with us if she does, but other than that, I'm not sleeping with my kids. The kicked me enough in utero, for God's sake!
The only real exception to this was with our son, who used to get the croupe really bad. As an infant, I'd have to sleep in the recliner holding him so that his head was elevated. As he got older, I let him sleep with me when he was croupy so that I could keep a check on his breathing. He outgrew this by the time he was three or four, though, and it was only bad enough to do this maybe once or twice a year.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
LOL..Anne!!
Amen to that!! You amused me very much with the name of your reply!! LOL...