Introduction/Looking at Step-Mom-hood (sorry, LONG!)
Hi everyone -- I'm not a step-mom (yet), but my significant other and I are sufficiently serious and my engagement with his daughter is sufficiently great that I would just love the insight and support of this board.
I'm thirty, not a birth-mom, and for the past six months have been dating a long-time friend who lost his wife to cancer a couple of years ago. He and I get along wonderfully, his friends and family like me (and vice versa); we are definitely considering a long-term relationship.
My s/o -- "Joe" -- has a daughter from his prior marriage, a lovely 10-year-old girl. She -- "Jenny" -- and I get along pretty well, and I've been very intentional about keeping avenues of communication open, both between her and me, her and her dad, and her dad and myself. Jenny has expressed to Joe that she's not ready for any "big changes" -- my moving in, his remarriage, etc. That's ok -- I'm not either!
There are really two primary concerns for me: First, I'm not the naturally maternal "type" -- I like kids, but I've never felt strongly about having any. I'm a fairly kind and patient person, but I've got no real parenting experience and I'm terrified of doing something wrong. I feel comfortable relating to Jenny as a mentor, one of several significant adult women in her life, but I don't feel like I fit the "mom" profile at all. Paranoia and insecurity, anyone? 
The other, perhaps more serious issue, has to do with my impending move cross-country. This is a professionally non-negotiable move -- one I've been preparing for for a couple of years. Joe and I have talked at length about being a long-distance couple; we trust one another and are committed to one another, and I am working on ways to be present to Jenny without seeing her in person every week. Still, Joe would like to eventually move to be with me -- eventually = 1+ years from now! -- and I really, really worry about uprooting him and, more importantly, Jenny: She's got a great support network where she is living at present ... I hate the idea of doing anything to hurt her (or, for that matter, my partner.)
Sooo ... you can see why I'm hanging out here and working on "learning the ropes" (if there is, indeed, such a thing Any wisdom, words of encouragement, etc. would be appreciated. Looking forward to getting to know some of you here.
I truly believe that it
I truly believe that it takes more than childbirth to be a mom. Don't worry about not being maternal. That you care enough about this kid to come to a site like this looking for suggestions on how not to hurt her is a great start if you should decide to take on the role of stepmom. All any of us wants is what's best for our kids, whether we are the stepmom, the bio mom or the adoptive mom. You've already got that going for you.
Long distance relationships are not easy. I'm a Marine wife and it's definitely hard when you have to go so long without seeing his face or even hearing his voice on the phone. Email and letters are great, but they don't come close to the real thing. Uprooting this child might be hard, especially since she's got her support system in place where she is. Or it could be good to break away and start all over in a happier place. Either way, you have to be 100% sure, because one way stepmotherhood is a lot like bio motherhood is that you can't do it halfway.
For the time being, I'd go for the "doting aunt" angle and then just wait and see what develops. If the long-distance thing succeeds and he comes to be with you, then that's great. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. Just keep in mind that it's easy to sacrifice your own happiness for a child, we moms do it all the time, but sometimes children need to learn to roll with punches so that they will be prepared for adulthood.
Life does include tears, unfortunately. Sometimes it includes moving away from loved ones, changing schools, changing jobs, taking risks and even being hurt. Be gentle with her, because she's lost her mother and she needs that gentleness. But don't be afraid to live life and make the adult decisions that need to be made because you feel guilty that she lost her mother. You want her to learn that living sometimes means taking risks and you don't want her to use her mother's death as a crutch or as an easy out for the rest of her life. I think the best gift you can give her is to be a positive female role model by following your dreams and showing her how to succeed, rather than wrapping her up in a coccoon.
Welcome!
~ Anne ~
BM to BS9 and BD4, SM to SD15, SD14 and SS11.
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
Thank you :)
Thank you so much for your comments, Fearless and Anne. Reading these boards has really been eye-opening -- I had no delusions that parenthood (much less step-parenthood) would be easy, but the scenarios with which many of the folks here are dealing boggle my tiny mind.
I always -- naively! -- thought that having a BM (or, as the case may be, BD) in the picture (e.g. in the case of a divorce or split) would be easier on both child and SM/SD than having lost a parent entirely, but at this point I'm not so sure anymore. On the very bright side, DBF is both an involved parent and someone I trust to take me and my needs very seriously.
Anne, you put it very well when you suggested taking the "doting aunt" role -- that's pretty much what I've been doing. We'll see how things develop
Thanks again!
- D.