Shut out of BM/SO

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New here, may not get all the acronyms right, and nervous to post on this topic.

SO and I have been living together 4 years. SD is 6. SO has 50/50. SD and I have a strong, awesome relationship. Love and lots of joy. We’ve been really connected since day 1 when she was just 2. SO and I are also very close and best friends. Our relationship is honest and open, we parent in very compatible ways, we don’t argue about much and we’ve worked really hard to build a life together that we’re both proud of. But when it comes to BM all of that falls apart immediately.

SO has a very deep relationship with BM which I only know the surface of. I am not to ask him about it, to know anything about their daily discussions, or to speak with her beyond the single encounter we had. His phone is locked and his messages hidden. Once I texted BM a pic of a party invite that SD brought home. Minutes later SO confronted me, saying BM had let him know first before replying to me. What was worse, was that it turned out that they had switched the schedule without telling me and that meant we’d be the ones taking SD to the party. I was completely humiliated so I don’t do that anymore. I truly don’t know what’s going on ever.

I met with her once. I asked to meet because she was becoming a mythical figure in my life who I knew nothing about. I just felt completely in the dark about what parenting decisions were being made, what the expectations were at BM’s house, what the schedule was. I just wanted things to be more open. I didn’t want to make decisions, I just wanted to be informed to a minimum level rather than always trying to piece it together or being blind sided. I thought she’d want to get to know me too but she talked entirely about her and SO’s past relationship and how different it is from our current one (she knew a lot more about me, and my relationship with SO than I knew about theirs both past and present).

His reaction to any question about their decisions and relationship is pure anger and immediately turns to telling me it’s over if I ask those questions. It’s his relationship with her and it’s none of my business and he never will let me have a part in co-parenting. My level of involvement, he says, begins and ends when SD stays with us. It’s the one area of our life together that I am shut out of and the reaction to any request to understand (I’m truly just trying to do that much) is so intense that I’m genuinely afraid to go to soccer games or birthday parties if BM is there. When I have, it’s been awful. They talk about things I know nothing about, and he won’t stand near me or talk to me.

I’ve tried to think OK, Maybe this is normal and I’m just being insecure. I’ve done everything to find a way to “be cool” including therapy. Couples therapy is out of the question because he’s “not going to discuss this”.

Our life is great if I can learn to stay in this lane and never know what’s going on. I feel like I work on it constantly, to just be cool in the dark, but then a day comes where I’m so confused and frustrated that I ask for more information and the explosion comes again. Something just feels wrong about it but maybe, as I say, this is one kind of normal in this situation.

Nope, not normal and your gut

Nope, not normal and your gut is telling you that something feels wrong because it is.

You say that you and your SO are very close and are best friends, yet he shuts you out when it comes to BM and their relationship, past and present, and he hides things from you. Gets angry if you ask questions, won't stand near you or talk to you if BM is around.

Your relationship is not honest and open.

This doesn't sound healthy. I

This doesn't sound healthy. I can understand to an extent that he doesn't want to you to help co-parent and that is his prerogative. But things like schedules are important for you to know when it affects you like having to take SD to a birthday party.

That's really inappropriate that he completely ignored you, his partner, in favor of BM in public. This would be a huge NO for me. BM and DH have a high-conflict relationship so we actually actively avoid being near her. Don't get me wrong, it's great when bioparents can have cordial and civil relationships with each other but this seems to go beyond that.

Why is your SO so secretive about his messages with BM? they shouldn't need to communicate that much beyond arranging schedules and important info about your SD.

The fact that he won't even hear you out and doesn't seem to be open to therapy is a red flag to me.

Maybe this isn't the relationship for you.

Wow

Wow.

Full disclosure - I do not have children of my own so I can only speak from the relationship side. Sounds like your BF is trying to keep seperate worlds with BM and you. He gets angry when you ask about things. He has helped/allowed you to get close to the daughter on HIS terms HIS way and he CONTROLS the situation. You are not insecure. This is not an appropriate healthy adult relationship.

I would say look at this post as if a dear friend was telling you this and not you. What would you say to her if she said her boyfriend was exploding in anger and the commentary? If it was my friend, I would say plan your escape and get away as it is an unhealthy relationship full of secrets and lies (sins of ommission).

Your relationship is neither

Your relationship is neither open nor honest. He is shutting you out of a major part of his life. I couldn't live like that.

By the way, he is not

By the way, he is not allowing you to co-parent so stop doing it. You no longer take the child to school or appointments, not shopping nor anything else. That should be his prerogative seeing as he is refusing to let you have a normal role. Yes, it will be hard but it's his responsibility.What he's "allowed" you to be so far is what he'd expect from a nanny, a maid. Step back into the role of his girlfriend and become totally hands-off with his daughter.

My gut says they are still

My gut says they are still involved.

It may just be sexual and HE is hoping for more. It may be platonic and he is hoping for more.

The only thing normal in all of this is BM's refusal to communicate with you. She is not obligated to ever interact with you.

My husband of 4.5 yrs has a hcgubm exwife

narcissistic and pas etc... you get the point... they have not talked or communicated/met since their divorce 11yrs ago.. when she had eldest sd reinitiate contact mid last yr hubby told me in our bedroom in private and showed me the messages.

When they accuse him of the most absurd dumb ridiculous shit he shows me

when ss has been a friggin arsehole when hubby is addressing major issues regarding his treatment of us and our kids (his half siblings), hubby sends me screenshots of their messages to vent because i help calm him down and try address things

skids and exwife are a never ending source of negativity, disappointment, anger and stress for hubby.. believe me my hubby hates exwife with passion, there is pure anger when she is mentioned but he puts on a calm face for skids and hubbys family like he can’t care less about her...

so your situation op is not normal. A marriage or committed relationship is a partnership and partners communicate, they share... they do not tell you that its over if you bring it up again, they do not ever threaten you, they do not hide things, they don’t do things covertly when it involves your personal space and time... doing this means this man has no ounce of respect for you

my ss20 lives at home when not at university which is every few weekends unless it’s university breaks between semesters. Hubby always messages me the moment ss tells him he’s coming home. This is so i can emotionally and mentally prepare myself but since i am disengaged and hubby knows it, he does this as a courtesy so i know he’s coming home and i’m not surprised all of a sudden.

this is basic respect... i mean if you were inviting your parents or a friend over for lunch or dinner on the weekend you would tell your hubby or at least ask if its ok. You wouldn’t blind side because that’s rude!!

SO has a very deep

SO has a very deep relationship with BM which I only know the surface of.

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What is going ON today?????

Good Luck Miss---I think this is a GREAT situation for you to be in.

Please read this board

I think that you are lacking perspective. You are a partnerhsip, and thusly you definitely should be involved. That you are kept in the dark like a mushroom is not normal, nor should it be "your normal".

Its like they say in abuse situations - "he only punches me one a year, other than that everything is wonderful!!!!"

But that once in a while punch to the gut, where you have to not talk and not ask quesitions and the freaking BM can know more about your relationship than YOU do, thats so wrong!

4 years and nothing will get better over time, he is not willing to change. He still has a relationship with BM. That right there would make anyone head for the hills n hollers. You are unable to be involved even at a minimal level, not given information that affects you. Thats a horrible way to live. Then - when you do ask any questions he gaslights you - thats a deal breaker right there.

Im sorry, but you really should get your ducks in a row. Talk to your therepist, I guess, but on the practical side, this isnt going to get better and it sounds like you are the "side piece", and his BM is still the "main event" in his life. Unless I read your post wrong.

Horrible man!

He locks and hides his messages from you that are to, and from her. He threatens you if you dare ask about BM or the kids schedule etc. When you have gone to games he's stand by BM...and talks to her...NOT YOU.

I bet if you got a hold of his phone and went through those messages you'd find out quite a bit. My suggestion is to leave your home and hide a voice activitated recorder in the living room. Assuming that's where he is when he talks on his phone.

Either way, I couldn't live that way. Total abuse.

If you were my bestfriend,

If you were my bestfriend, sister, daughter....I'd ask you to really consider this relationship. So many things stick out to me in your post and it's heart breaking that you have allowed him to control you so much that you are not "allowed" to ask questions???

I am not to ask him about it, to know anything about their daily discussions

How can you have a healthy relationship with him and you can't do the above?

His phone is locked and his messages hidden.

Why is his phone locked? What is he hiding that he doesn't want you to know or see?

Our life is great if I can learn to stay in this lane and never know what’s going on.

No your life is not "great" and this is no way to live to walk on eggshells with someone you can't even ask questions or communicate with. You don't even know this man because he shuts you off 70% of his life. You are not some random that has to "stay in their lane" what exactly is that? Not asking questions? Sweety.....seriously don't ever allow ANYONE to have that type of control over what you say, think and ask.......

It's not your place to co

It's not your place to co-parent with him and BM, but him blowing up and telling you "it's over" if you even bring up the subject is abusive and should not be tolerated.

You can have a great life with someone who doesn't control you with his anger, and refuse to allow you any information about an important area of his life. Your relationship is NOT honest, and with a "best friend" like that, who needs enemies?

Stand up for yourself, you deserve better.

Not normal AT ALL. And your

Not normal AT ALL. And your relationship is far from open and honest. It may be on your end, but certainly not on his. I am appalled that you are not allowed to ask a single question about her or her household (which might impact YOU and your household), but BM seems to know all about you.

My DH shows me texts he gets from BM (not all of them, but certainly anything that might impact me) and I am free to text BM directly. When we go to kid events, he stays with me. BM is his past; I am his present. He makes that clear. That's what your BF should be doing. Something is amiss here. At a minimum, I would step way back on any "parenting" and care you provide to SD.

I think he is not over his ex

I think he is not over his ex in any way. If they aren't already in a relationship, he is sure hoping they will be soon.

My current husband was not over his ex when we started out 10 years ago, so I know the pain. It was a process for him to care more about me than her and it started with him answering simple questions and gradualy including me in him and his kids lives fully.

If you intend to keep this relationship, I would disengage completely from the daughter. Don't do anything with or for her, don't ask about her, don't be around her.

I don’t think you HAVE A STRONG AWESOME RELATIONSHIP

It that’s a awesome relationship, I don’t know what to tell you. You look like the side chick. He does what ever with BM. Then come home to you for more sex, You are not in a relationship if everything is locked. And things are done behind your back.. It hard for me to believe this is a real posting

Horrendous addition to your life.

This experience sounds like a horrendous addition to your life. If you want me to be entirely honest, it sounds like a tiresome, burdensome non-contribution to your life. Stay away from single parents who deliberately negate boundaries because it’s probably done so that they can have their cake and eat it too.

Your situation sounds like there are two biological parents who are taking advantage of familiar vagina and familiar penis knocking on their doorstep every week. Gross. There is absolutely zero reason why the nature of your relationship should have been discussed with his former lover. RED FLAG!!! That shows he is still upkeeping emotional intimacy with the woman he used to screw. He probably wants to keep you in the dark so he can maintain their connection and dynamic while having you as a just in case option. Not only that, but her talking about herself the whole time and boldly comparing her romantic bond with him to yours was her throwing shade. Not only that but they are giving their child false hope which is likely to eventually transform into resentment and disdain for your presence under the illusion that you got in the way of mommy and daddy. And she will choose her mother over you. Once she has the mental capacity to comprehend what a family is, she might categorize you as a replaceable outsider out of pure loyalty to her mother so I’d stop getting so attached if I were you. You have no legal rights to her, despite being a free nanny, should they get back together.

I’d advise you to make a swift exit. Stat!

Subtly stripped of your dignity.

When you allow this man to have autonomy over your own mouth, you are allowing him to subtly, slowly, surely strip you of your dignity as a grown adult and a companion. You’re telling him he can treat your presence with the regard of a child who better sit down, shut up, and stay on their P’s and Q’s otherwise be punished. His urge to inflict emotional pain on you for simply slightly not appeasing his odd desire to respect solid privacy between he and his ex is textbook psychological and emotional abuse. On top of the fact that he reeks of infedelith and disloyalty. There are people who have more compassion, patience, and understanding training dogs. You’re more of an asset to him than he is to you on his best day. Gather your pride and walk away. Leave him and his ex to their mess of a relationship.

Your BF is an abusive douche,

Your BF is an abusive douche, and clearly not over BM in any way. DTMFA

"They talk about things I

"They talk about things I know nothing about, and he won’t stand near me or talk to me."

Excuse me? No person who loves and cherishes another person would treat them this way...

He is abusive and you are

He is abusive and you are being used. They are fully intertwined and he is very (overly) protective of his relationship with her. You know something is very wrong here; I’m just not sure why you are staying and putting up with it?

The others have covered this

The others have covered this well, but I'm wondering...

Why would you WANT to be in this relationship? I'm sure you liked the guy at the beginning, but he can't possibly be great enough to endure the insecurity he's generating with his issue, whatever that might be.

I've been with people who made me insecure. It's stressful and distracting. And at least for me, no number of good times made it worth how crazy the insecurity made me.

And think about it like this... If you dump this guy, he's going to find someone else. And she might quickly tell him she won't put up with his rules. He might dump her, or more likely, he'll realize he can't successfully pull off the kind of control he's pulling off with you. He'll find a way to get his problem under control if she's worth it. Maybe he'd get it under control for you if you pushed him.

You aren't forcing him to make that decision. You're indulging his controlling behavior to keep the relationship, but if you pushed back, you might find he relents. If he doesn't relent, all you lose is a relationship that isn't going anywhere anyway.

Personally, I think you should chuck him without even trying to force this issue. He's too much work from what I can tell. But if you want to try to keep the relationship, set new expectations with him. Be ready to walk because I don't think he'll like a change in the power balance, but you can't live with this situation as it is.