Sharing toys
I just came across the "Christmas Disaster" post/update and can't read all the replies. But I read some opinions on sharing and wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint.
I have taught my kids that they don't have to share. Not with each other, not with a neighbor kid, not with any of my (ex) bf's kids... I also taught them that if they don't share, then people won't want to share with them. This teaches them to negotiate with one another rather than "telling Mom." This also keeps sparents out of fights between ssiblings, because it's on the ssiblings to negotiate a deal. "I'll let you play on my PS4 for 30 minutes, if you let me use your iPhone for 30 minutes..." Or, "I'll clean the bathroom for you if you let me use your XYZ." Kids forcing kids to do things using parental authority just doesn't benefit anyone, especially not the kids.
Kids break things. Could you imagine sharing your car with a friend and him bringing it back muddy, with empty gas tank, and a cigarette smell inside? That's like a kid breaking another kid's toy. It would probably put a huge dent in your relationship. It would be better for your relationship to say, "No, sorry, but I can drop you off somewhere..."
My DD13 said, "People don't take care of other people's things," the other day; I can't remember what we were talking about. But they don't. Telling kids they have to give up their toy so another kid can break it is just ignorant. Let the KID make the decision to risk it or not.
Sharing should only be the rule when the toys don't belong to either kid, such as day care or school. Community property is to benefit all the kids and they should have equal opportunity to enjoy the various toys. But at home, you have the time and opportunity to teach them about the real world, where they pay for their toys and take their own risks. If you took your "sharing" lessons seriously that I'm sure you were taught, you'd let your lazy, unemployed friend borrow your car whenever he wanted just because it's the "right thing to do." Right?
Congratulations, you're
Congratulations, you're teaching your children to be manipulative brats and to only do things when it benefits them. Sharing teaches them to be kind, to pay it forward, to lend to a child that doesn't have.
I don't actually think it is
I don't actually think it is a terrible idea. But it is a matter of how much the kids understand the concept of negotiating and not sharing versus becoming egoistic brats. If they completely understand what it all means and that if they want something, they need to negotiate it and give something back, then great. But if they don't grasp it very well, it could be a disaster
I think you're doing good
I think you're doing good teaching your kids personal responsibility and warding off an entitlement attitude. You do not automatically get your turn at other peoples possessions in the real world. I do hope you are also teaching them to earn their possessions. This will teach the "entitled" party that he/she has the same opportunity to EARN their own possessions.
I like this concept! Age
I like this concept! Age appropriate teaching about sharing, negotiating and earning possessions are great life lessons.
Respecting other's property will come more naturally this way too.
Why should your grandson be
Why should your grandson be forced to share pizza he bought but not a laptop? That's absurd. Are the other children starving? Is there no other food in the house? Why should he be forced to spend his money on the family if it's food related but not possession related? That makes no sense. Why can't the other kids get jobs and buy pizza? If they're too young, then they'll learn that when they're older then they can do that too. Why should the family get to decide how he spends his pay checks? If he goes out to dinner on a date, does he have to bring his siblings or bring them back something to make it fair? BS. Talk about raising entitled kids.
It's just rude to bring food
It's just rude to bring food home and sit and eat it in front of other people.
You can't compare that to someone using a laptop they bought for themselves.
What about eating food at
What about eating food at home in front of roommates without bringing/preparing them some? I don't think that's rude.
What about Halloween or Easter candy - if you only had one piece a day and your brother ate all of his in 3 days, can you still eat your one piece a day in the living room or do you have to sidle off to a private area with no witnesses to eat your candy?
Roommates are a different
Roommates are a different kettle of fish.
Everyone is usually on a budget and pays for their own food. They also usually have completely different schedules and so there is no real dinner time.
My 20 year old son and his room mates don't cook for each other and if someone wants a pizza everyone is given the opportunity to pitch in on the cost and have some.
My SD(26) and her roommates will cook for/with each other. They will also text and call and order food all together.
I think it depends on the dynamics of the roommates.
As for Halloween and Easter candy, I never had to share mine. It was treated like a gift, not food.
As with all the opinions on here, it depends on your family and the dynamics you grew up with. Just another reason it's so hard to blend families.
i read an interesting article
i read an interesting article about sharing and creating entitled adults. Wish I could find it and post a link.
It basically said that you are creating entitlement when you let your child think that everyone has to share with them.
Johnny is playing with a truck and Jane wants it. Johnny won't share so Jane goes crying to mommy. Mommy makes Johnny share, thinking she's raising a better Johnny. When in fact what she's done is show Jane that she can have whatever she wants just because she wants it and Johnny has to share.
As adults we don't share and we aren't expected to. You might lend your best friend your blender for a party or lend her a coat if she forgot one but we wouldn't hand our phone over to a stranger because she needed to make a call.
When my boys were small and we'd have play dates we'd put the special or favorite toys away. All the rest were for everyone to play with. The kids figured out pretty quickly that it's more fun to play with someone than to hog all the toys yourself.
We practice sharing in our
We practice sharing in our household but I think a lot of the posters here take it literal. Once the toys hit the toy box or whatever here, they're considered community property. I don't care who got it for what holiday.
In our home we've been having issues with all the kids taking a bunch of toys and sitting them around them but NOT playing with them.. But then when one of the other kids comes to play with it they tell them they're playing with it (even though they're not and it's just sitting there). We have a rule where if you're not ACTIVELY playing with it then someone else can.
We DO NOT take toys from one kid to give to another if they so happen to want that item. They have to wait until kid 1 is done playing with it then they're free to take/play with it afterward. This has been a big issue with SD3 because at her Mom's house all she has to do is say that's hers, whine, cry, pitch any kind of fit over an item and her siblings are required to hand it over which is not fair, IMO. So she's learning she isn't top on the totem pole here and has to wait her turn and be patient.
I think there's a continuum.
I think there's a continuum. At one end is forced sharing, which is basically a requirement enforced by parents/caregivers, that anything I am playing with can be taken away at any moment once anyone else gives the word. And that if I want anything from anyone else, all I have to do is demand it. To me, that teaches insecurity because I can't count on my toy being available for me to play with even if I've got it in my hands. It also teaches revenge, because as soon as some other kid takes my toy, you betcha I'm gonna go take one from someone else. I also think it teaches selfishness, because all I have to consider is what I want right now, demand it... and payoff.
At the other end, IMHO, is this concept I read about online where if a kid is playing with something, it's theirs no matter what, and parents/caregivers will 'hold' the toy while the kid goes to the bathroom or something. That I think is also crap, it fails to teach sharing, negotiation, and other basic skills of human social life.
So for me, I think developmentally appropriate sharing is a good way to go. Up until the time my kid about 18 months, she was easily distracted if someone else had a toy she wanted, and if someone took a toy away from her, she didn't mind too much. Then she started to get upset if a toy was taken away, and upset if someone didn't let her play with a particular toy. If the toy was someone else's, I told her that it's not nice when someone takes something away from her, but that it was xyz's toy and that xyz could decide to share or not share. Same for not letting her play with something - I said that if xyz didn't want to share, she could choose something else to play with. A communal toy I would intervene and tell the other kid DD had it first. Or her one cuddle-toy, that one I would get back for her (but usually not allow in a shared playing area in the first place).
Now she's 2, and I'm now helping her learn that it's not ok to grab toys from other kids. She doesn't have to share if she's playing with something, and neither do other kids. It's fun to play together sometimes... but at 2 this is iffy lol! She knows about taking turns, and when we play with her toys together, I remind the toys who like to be FIRST over and over (lol) that we take turns and we cooperate and have fun together.
Work in progress. But never ever will I 'save' a toy for a kid who abandons it, and never ever will I require my kid to drop what she's playing with for someone else to play with instead.
"At the other end, IMHO, is
"At the other end, IMHO, is this concept I read about online where if a kid is playing with something, it's theirs no matter what, and parents/caregivers will 'hold' the toy while the kid goes to the bathroom or something. That I think is also crap, it fails to teach sharing, negotiation, and other basic skills of human social life."
I think this promotes entitlement as much as forced sharing. If you get to something first it's yours? You don't have to work for it, it's just yours for the rest of the day.
Both seem to be so extreme. Part of good parenting is finding the happy medium in the middle.
@LadyFace: Isn't that 'taking
@LadyFace: Isn't that 'taking turns'? I would have thought taking turns is saying, "so-and-so is playing with this now, you have to wait your turn." Vs forced sharing, which I interpret as, "so-and-so wants to play with what you are holding, you have to share."
TBH, I saw an example of the latter at work recently - my DD2 and her cousin 1.5 were 'playing' with trains, and the mom jumped in regularly to get cousin to 'share' just because DD wanted to play with something. We were guests, so that may have played a part as well.
I think it boils down to
I think it boils down to socialism vs private ownership.
Socialism - nothing belongs to the individual. It all belongs to everyone. If I own a larger home and someone needs a place to live then I must let them come live there.
Private ownership - what I own is mine. I can choose to share or not.
One gets to choose what they want to teach their children. If you truly do not believe in private ownership of assets then force everyone to share.
@imaSmom: Oh, the
@imaSmom: Oh, the satisfaction in my soul to read your comment.
my 5 year old step son is
my 5 year old step son is very entitled he was raised to believe that if something is old, broken or dirty it will be replaced...this was no fault of his father as he was raised solely by his mother as she refused access to him......he is currently in our care and i'm having none of this up until Christmas this year he was told that he could use his 2 year old brothers toys only if he was allowed and he had to give them back if his brother wanted them back...after Christmas he had broken all his new toys so now he plays with broken toys and until he learns to look after his things he isnt allowed to touch his brothers toys....we are teaching our children to share if we have guests stay over as the guests who come here dont have their own toys at our house and may feel uncomfortable if they get things snatched from them..
My kiddos had their special
My kiddos had their special toys that they didn't have to share with siblings or others. They all had a "lovie (little toy or blankie they were attached to)" that was theirs that they didn't have to share. Clothes between all the boys we communal since they were so close in size and everything was handed down. Toys, videos, books and most everything in the house was communal. I didn't have the energy to fight and police whose was what so sharing among 5 children was just the way it was. Friends would come over and communal toys were shared and special items were tucked away.
I agree with this
I'm trying to teach my kids to be less possessive of their things, but stepkids will just expect to play with their toys and at times just take them. And break them. I don't blame them for not wanting to share. I think it teaches appropriate boundaries.