Self-Conflicted Emotional&Mental Battle
I am 27 and have no kids of my own. I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a half. My now fiancé has 2 young boys (1 1/2 and 3 1/2). The boys biological mother is actively in their lives. Her and I do not speak or interact in any way.
My current issue is a self-conflicted battle with myself. I love him and love being with him. He loves me more than anyone else has ever loved me. He cares and is such an amazing partner. I do not want to imagine my life without him.
However, even though I love those boys, I can’t get over the fact that this is such a huge responsibility. Their dad tells me that he knows that they love me and I love them but when I think about all the responsibility and all the time and attention they need, it’s overwhelming. When I come home from a stressful day at work, I have to sit in my car for a few minutes because I know that’s the only place I can have to myself. Bathroom trips aren’t even my time anymore. When that happens, all I can think about is how hard I tried to not get pregnant until I had my life together. Even now, I don’t feel like I’d be ready for a child of my own.
This self struggle is also fed by the fact that his ex-girlfriend will always be a factor in our lives. I’ve been told she ignores the kids, she leaves them to entertain themselves and she has been such a struggle to work with when it came to the boys sleeping on their own and potty training.
I constantly worry about them. Even when I know they’re in good hands, I worry if they’ve eaten, if they’re having fun or if they’re being left alone. I worry about what they might need (food, juice, snacks, etc). My fiancé says that’s what a mom would do..and I know he means it as a compliment but it gives me anxiety to know I’ve fallen into a role I don’t want to play. Not yet at least.
Oh dear- I wish I could say
Oh dear- I wish I could say something positve. But, if you can't even imagine having childen of your own why are you even thinking of taking on another man's offspring?
Do something and walk away from the fire before you get seriously burnt...!
Thank you for your response!
My oldest sister was pregnant at 14. My second oldest had 5 kids before she was 25. When I saw how much they struggled, I promised myself I’d only have kids when I was “ready” both financially and mentally.
He’s a very good father. He tries to keep them entertained as much as he can, but the second I come home it’s all about me. It’s mom this..&mom that..to them, when I get home, dad no longer exist.
I love that they look for me and count on me but sometimes it can get overwhelming. I guess I’m hoping for someone to tell me that this gets easier.
You can’t help who you fall in love with..at least I couldn’t. I don’t know if you ever been in love, but the love I feel for him is what keeps me in this relationship. I really do want to make this work. I’m just afraid to fail him..the kids..&myself. I’m afraid not to meet the “mom” expectations everyone seems to be holding me to.
You're hoping that someone
You're hoping that someone will tell you it gets easier? Yes, it will get easier- you will help raise responsible, respectful children who accept you as a Stepmother and your DH will love you more and more and never, ever bury his head in the sand. That's my Fairydust finished for today...!
Or, in the real world who knows? It may get better, it may not.
Have I ever been in love? That question requires a short answer, which is many, many times. Now I am getting on a bit I know that the best love is self-love and I feel this is where you need to 'feel' the love for yourself. Do not allow yourself to be a servant, or mum to chidren who aren't your own- or a doormat to the man you love. Stand by your own self worth and you won't go far wrong.
But I would still consider if this is what you really want...
I had some of those feelings
I had some of those feelings when I married at an older age and SS was in his 20s. I put in a hell of a lot of effort not to get knocked up. BM and DH were the irresponsible aholes who had a ONS with no protection that resulted in the pathetic SS being foisted on the world.
When SS (by this time was in his mid 20s) would end up homeless and destitute his own mother was done with him (can't really blame her). But I refused to let SS or any of his issues become my problem in any shape or format.
Thank you for your response(:
I’m sorry you had to go through all that. How were you able to mentally keep yourself from being brought into all his issues?
I’ve fallen into a role I don
I’ve fallen into a role I don’t want to play.
Well, that kind of says it all. You don't want to be in this role, so you have a decision to make.
You are not their mother and your boyfriend has no right to expect you to be. He needs to step up and be their parent, instead of expecting you to be. If he wants a nanny, he should hire one.
I am currently on the same boat
I am 24 and have no kids of my own. Some days are fun and uncomplicated, but when its hard...its HARD! I started second guessing if I am ready for what the future holds for me as a stepmom and from reading about other people's experiences it appears that it does not get easier. Also, I feel like no one is actually ready for this "lifestyle" (sorry not sure if thats the right word). I feel alone because none of my friends or family members are currently in a similiar situation as myself and I really have no one to talk to about it. I know I shouldnt take a lot of things personally, but it hurts so much when I get hit with the negative aspects that come with being a stepmom. My bf little girl (4) is very jealous and territorial so I am dealing with how emotionally uncomfortable that all is and how there is no real balance for us three. The good thing is that BM really doesnt care about anything so shes never started any issues with me. Its tough when SD acts out because BM doesnt ever discipline her so when she comes to us she has a tough time transitioning to actual rules or requires every second of attention from bf.
Completely Understand
I completely understand.
How long have you been dating? How does your friends&family feel about you dating someone with a kid?
How is the relationship between him&his BM.?
Update! It’s positive:)
So I’ve known him for 3 years now and when we first met we were just casually dating. I met his little girl at the time and she was two, but we didn’t know what we wanted and ended amicably. We ran into each other again and have now been together in a serious relationship for 7 months now. My friends and family are supportive and just care about my happiness. They have given no opinion and are happy that he’s such a great man and takes care of me. I do have to say that with all the stress and pain I’ve been through with trying to figure this all out and being new to this...having an extremely supportive boyfriend is what let’s me know that I’m making the right decision. We have plans on getting married and starting a family together. I love him and you’re right, you can’t help who you fall in love with. We had a talk tonight about my feelings about everything and he let me know that he will not tolerate his daughter or bum disrespecting me . We even brought in his daughter to ask her about her feelings and to make sure she was happy with me being the new addition to the family etc. It was a positive talk and I feel so much better now. We talked about sharing Dad and how we all love each other etc. His relationship with his bm makes me feel better too because they basically hate each other and she has a bf. I feel good about it because it doesn’t make me feel like she’s a threat at all so there’s that! She doesn’t try to meddle with our life or anything and she leaves us alone so phew! I do have to say that I really think you should have a talk with him about your feelings and it’s all about you communicate it. It shouldn’t be about pointing fingers or blaming him but just one that he truly listens to what you have to say. Let him know that you need his love and support and that you want to be with him and find a solution or a happy medium. At the end of the day, you do have every right to be selfish and do what makes you happy but if he’s what makes you happy then it’s very possible to be a happy family with you four! Think about how your life could be if it was happy with you taking on the role of a stepmom and helping raise the kids. If you can picture it and you’re happy with it then there’s a way to make that vision come true
You’re very right hereiam.
You’re right. This isn’t a role I wanted to play, not yet at least. However, life doesn’t give you what you want, it gives you what you need..to grow and learn. I don’t want to lose out on him.
There is definitely some things he&I have to work out in regards to the boys and his fatherly responsibilities. He’s come such a long way though.
I guess my fear is wasting my life to help raise kids and raise a family instead of working on myself and my future. I hate to think I’m limited in my goals because of children I was smart enough not to have.
Am I being selfish?
You are NOT being selfish.
No matter how you choose to resolve this, please don't think that considering your life and goals is selfish!
You are having a healthy debate about the issues and you should continue to think it through.
For moment switch gender roles with your fiance. Do you think a man would be selfish if he was wondering whether he could take on the reponsibility of raising another man's children? Few would. These thoughts are what the engagment is for. Take your time, you are one smart cookie.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. It put a smile on my face as well as validated my feelings and thoughts.
I believe he&I need to have a conversation about what would happen if my goals conflict with the “mom standards” I’m expected to uphold. I don’t ever want to limit myself.
So in conclusion, he either stands by me, as I have done for him, or he gets out of my way so that I can pursue my goals.
I truly appreciate your opinion.
Thank you ☺️!
Those kids are very young,
Those kids are very young, you have a lot of years ahead if you stay in this relationship. With a lazy neglectful BM in the picture, that will add another dimension of stress, for a very long time.
I feel the same way alot.
Your dilemma is similar to mine. My SO has 4 kids between 6 and 13. They are generally loving with me. But I definitely become the mom when they are with us. Like you I chose not to have kids yet. I had visions of travelling the world. That is definitely less of an option now. We dont have the kids full time but when they are here I am expected to be here. I feel I have given up a lot for these kids. And its not really acknowledged by them (nor should it be). I love my SO so much but its hard. Dealing with the emotions of it has not gotten easier after 2.5 years. BM is out to make our lives hell and there is always drama. I have been doing alot of self help reading, walk my dog when I need an escape, and learning to meditate . I also sat SO down and talked about what I need and where I see myself. Like if he cannot find time to travel with me then I will go with friends or by myself. I am also big into writing down yearly goals and making sure I achieve them so my wants aren't forgotten even if they aren't a priority to others.