Oh my goodness I so feel for you. I have two adult step-children (20 and 25) and it was not hard at first but we eventually got there. I have been married to their father for 14 years and we have two children together. They were 5 and 9 when I married their father. Like you, their mother was mostly absent. Trust me when I say that your husband is the epitome of acting out of guilt. My husband does it too. He feels bad for his divorce from their mother and tries to make it up by being their friend, confidant, personal banker, whatever they need. His son moved out when he was 12 because he didn't like the "rules" anymore. He went to live with his mother where he ruled the roost. He was the "man of that house" and whatever he said went. He was always in trouble with the law and his father always bailed him out making excuses for him. His mother coninued to roll out the cash whenver he wanted so she is his best friend in the world. My step-daughter made a comment to me several years ago that she didn't like the way I "parent" my daughter. I took great offense to that. She and her brother were always jealous of my children because I didn't pawn them off on nannies like their parents did. Several years went by before she and I were able to have any semblance of a relationship. The entire time she and I fought, her father took her side. He treated us both as if we were his children. He didn't demand respect from her to me and led her to believe that she was in the right. Even told her behind my back to "be the bigger person." This, he said about his wife! I never forgot that and I don't think I ever forgave him for that. He mostly treated his daughter like they were the married couple and I was the intruder. So much more has been going on with his self-centered son who refuses to get a job. Honestly, I have just had enough. I'm not sure I'm the best to give advice because I think I am throwing in the towel and raising my two children with much better respect than he gives to me. If your own spouse cannot have your back, who can? Even against adult children. If you can't trust your spouse, who do you trust? Who knows what he's doing or saying behind your back. At the very least, he should demand an apology from them to you and respect at all times. Personally, I just can't live this way anymore. I am young and have so much more ahead of me. I hate the thought of leaving my home that I built, but anywhere I live will be home with my children. It's too bad these husband cannot deal with mature subjects with mature minds with their adult children. Good luck!

I question whether sd "wants another chance" or is just saying it cuz its another attempt to make you look like the bad guy. She can't honestly think you would open yourself up to her. Keep your wall up with her but don't play into it.
Do you have friends or someone in your family who you can get out with? I just think we get too deep into these issues and getting out and doing something fun is exactly what we need at those times. You need an outlet, you need to laugh.

I would also feel betrayed by they way your Stepchildren are treating you. Obviously, you have given of yourself to these children. It is just too bad they no longer appreciate it. Maybe you should concentrate your efforts on raising your daughter and leave the rest to your DH. It is easy to say from someone like me but it would be hard for me to disengage myself although I feel like it is what I need to do as well. I hope this works out for the best no matter what you decide. I would also have my feelings hurt that my husband could make up with them so fast after the way they have treated you. Things go like that around here as well.

A friend just recently wrote to me that she took a "leap of faith" and just did it. She left. She said it was the scariest thing she ever did in her life. The result: she is the happiest she has ever been in her life. I cannot remember seeing her smile much or laughing as hard when I knew her when she was married. Now, she is such a pleasure to be around. I have to admit, I am a bit jealous. I was always the one talking about how I was getting out and moving on...but I never have. She did it and she exuberates amazing energy. Friends can be found anywhere. I moved to MD after marrying my DH 14 years ago with no friends. I have so many now that they are hard to keep track of. Not just fairweather friends, they are very good friends. I put myself out there and made them. They are such am amazing support group. This man has no right to treat you second class to his adult, ill-mannered, bratty, immature children. There is no excuse for that type of behavior from anyone. It's not about his choosing between you and his children. It's about his choosing to be a responsible parent and actually parent and be the "bad guy." It's about his knowing their disrespectful, shitty attitudes are inappropriate and will not be tolerated. I think I know, after watching my DH do this with his kids, what he is feeling, and it's pure receipt of the adoration he is receiving from his adult children. They are treating him like a "king" and making him feel special. He is putting up the good fight for them, taking their sides, and they relish in that. He relishes in that. My DH did that when his daughter and I fell out. The more distant I became to her, the closer she got to her father. He loved that. When his daugther and I patched things up, he was honestly depressed, but would never admit it. She would start to come to me about stuff and it really bothered him. This is EXACTLY what your DH is feeling. It's actually very pathetic. It's too bad that in order for them to feel such greatness, they have to destroy and step on someone else. You sound like a very caring person and they are not worth another minute of YOUR life. This is YOUR life. You get to spend it with who you want and how you want. No one has the right to make you feel "less than." Because you are not. As soon as you are out of the picture, and there's no drama left, they will wonder what to do with themselves. Without you, they will probably dissolve as a family unit. As for the loud mouth adult daughter who keeps threatening you -- tell her to put up or shut up. You should not continue in this manner. It's not healthy mentally or physically. I keep a journal of the things that I see in my future. I write it down. I cut out pictures. And I look at the journal all the time. I am confident that after the holidays are over I will be making my choice to move forward and do it on my own. I have two wonderful, smart and compassionate kids or deserve me at my best. And I'm going to give it to them. Good luck! And remember, you are entitled to peace and happiness in YOUR life.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this G7. The very scary thing about your story is that these girls are going to have babies. They are without a doubt going to be the BM's that we all know and love (insert major eye roll here) and these poor kids are going to be brought into this world by women who have no jobs, no ambition, foul mouths, and a sense of entitlement bigger than Texas. Your husband just encourages their behavior by ignoring it and pretending that all is sunshine and butterflies and the cycle just goes on and on.... I feel so bad for these babies already. :sick: