SD is full of hate!
Me and my fiance have been together for 4 yrs. We plan on getting married next year 2012. He has 2 daughters ages 22 and 23 and a grandchild. When we first began dating, I made a couple of bad choices, and we almost split up over that. He decided he didnt want to see me anymore and told his daughters what happened. Well, we resolved those issues and stayed together obviously. We had a talk with the girls and squashed it all. (so I thought)I dont really have a problem with the oldest SD, she is temporarily living here with us , her, her bf and the baby. The youngest is the problem. For starters, this girl has social issues and from my understanding, has had these issues since childhood. She is off in college and graduates next month. About 2 months ago, she came home from college, she stays at her moms,which is down the street. She came over to visit her dad, and she totally ignored me the whole time, even when I tried to casually talk to her, she would turn her head and stick her nose up in the air. My fiance noticed this and so did her sister, and he told her she didnt have to like me, but she would respect me while shes at our house. My fiance also asked her what her problem was with me, and all she will say is "i dont wanna talk about it". Well, she came over Friday night before goin back to college, and did the same thing again to me. When she was leaving, her dad walked outside He had her crying and upset, and she told him she wanted nothing to do with me. I usually go to our bedroom when shes here but my fiance wouldnt let me do that Friday night, he wanted to see how she would act toward me, and see if anything he said on her prior visit had sunk in. I told him from now on to not force me to sit in the same room with her, that i would not do that anymore. I cant stand being around negative people. I have been in a few reationships involving kids, but its never been an issue up until now. I am a very loving caring bubbly kind of person, and I try to avoid confrontations if possible. Basically i hate drama, but every time she comes over, she gets us upset and arguing. I told my fiance to tell her shes not welcome here until she can show some respect for me as well as him. He wont do that simply because she has a tool to use that my fiance hates and that is alienation. She has pulled that crap before and stayed away from here for almost a year. It really hurt her dad, but he says he cant tell her not to come over because this is the house she grew up in. He told me from now on, to just ignore her as well, shine her on, and dont talk to her or make eye contact with her. Id rather just leave the room. i told my fiance that isnt the right thing to do, letting her come over here and treat me that way, but im sick of arguing about it, Weve tried the "him goin out to meet her somewhere" but that didnt work very well either, He always comes back in a bad mood and making me feel guilty like its my fault shes that way. Im so worried thisn relationship wont last, and my hate for this girl is almost unbearable, and its not fair to me or her dad.
I wish it were that easyI
I wish it were that easyI just recently lost my home and annuity, all I have to my name is my car. I had to put my mom in a nursing home and the state took everything, so basically me and my 12 yr old son became homeless. This is the 2nd time ive lived here with my fiance, I had to move back home to take caren of my mom when she got sick. Yes, Ive had so much on my shoulders and then this! My fiance said he would always choose his kids over me. I said this issue isnt a matter of choice, and it should never get to that level. In all honesty, ive never seen a girl so hateful and disgruntled in my 47 yrs. I almost feel sorry for the little bitch, "sad she has to carry such an angry emotion around, but thats her problem, not mine. I dont want to move really, because if i do that will mean she accomplished exactly what she wanted to, to get rid of me. Just dont know what to do at this point. My 12 yr old has even asked me "why does she treat you so mean when your so nice to her?" i dont have an answer for him yet, not one that he could understand.
It is WRONG for him to put
It is WRONG for him to put his daughters first. They are his daughters and it is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT love/relationship than it is with you. You MUST BE the #1 woman in his life. If he continues to put them first, your relationship is doomed. That is not being a healthy father. They don't sleep with him, they will not live with him 24/7 like you will for the rest of your lives. Get him to read Stepmonster, and he will see the light and the mistakes he is making.
Excellent advice Mominator.
Excellent advice Mominator. I too had a similar issue with DH putting SD first (she lives with us). If you'll read my post I've had issues with not getting along with her from the start. I too thought she had social issues, but this gal graduated college (advanced). So I knew the issue was with me. So I talked to DH and told him if he didn't set her straight I was leaving . . period. By the way his sister told me before we got married, make sure he puts you first. . . now I know why.
I too at one point hated SD . . yes . . I hated her. I hated everytime we pulled into the drive way and I saw her car. But after long talks with my mom and friends I realized that she's to be pited more than anything else and that's what I feel for her now. Some one here also told me "resentment is poison you pour for someone else, but drink yourself". Hatred and resentment harm you more than the person that you resent/hate. Thus I'm no longer carrying anger or resentment for SD but feel sorry for her because I know her issues will come back in the form of karma in her own life and marriage. I've seen so many things happen to her since I've moved in . .and I know it's karma. Things got so bad for her that DH even said "I wonder all this is happening to her."
Like you I can't stand to be around negative people so I try to avoid her . . in my own house. I have everything I need in my bedroom . . so I don't have to see her face if I chose not to. At this point, she's much better than she was because DH has set her straight. Now she desires a relationship with me, but I don't want to be bothered because I don't trust her. When I showed her kindness . . .she was a bitch so now I've disengaged. I've forgiven her, I wish her well, want her to have a good life, and pray for her . . because it's what we're supposed to do. But I have a choice as to whom I allow a front seat in my life and she's not on that list.
If your FDH has chosen his children over you, your relationship is indeed in trouble. In my case, DH realized that there was a problem and HE had to fix it because she's HIS child. As his future wife, you are supposed to come first . . above everyone. You should be his top priority. Going forward, when she comes over if I were you I would retreat to my room than deal with her drama and foolishness. I think Stepmonster is an excellent idea . . . and I'm also going to get my DH to read it.
Good luck and I wish you the very best.
When my DH read Stepmonster,
When my DH read Stepmonster, the light bulb went off. I could have tried to tell him 20 different ways, but when they read stuff from a real Psychologist, it starts to make sense to them. Our relationship was DOOMED. He was not seeing what he was doing. He was even going so far as to tell me if he had to chose, he'd pick them over me.
Well, here we are a year later, and they refuse contact because door-mat daddy didn't dump me last year, and they aren't happy about it. See what happens when you try to force someone to pick sides?? He read Stepmonster and realized, it's not them he's sleeping with, and it's not them that will cook his meals and clean his clothes and take care of him as he grows older. They will be off with their own social circles and their own families.
Touche . . I'm going to order
Touche . . I'm going to order it the first chance I get. I've told DH the very same thing .. . I will be here to wipe your A!@@, feed you when you're sick and nurse you back to health, while SD will be off living her own life.
I recall a time when SD was cooking bacon and DH asked her to put in a few slices for him. When it was done, she got hers and went to her room . . . leaving his swimming in bacon fat in the skillet. She didn't even think enough of him to drain it . .. small things like this speak volumes. Of course I brought it to DH's attention.
Had it been the other way around, he would have put it on a plate and took it to her and said "your bacon is ready" . . pathetic.
I would just confront her
I would just confront her snottiness next time she's there. Greet her nicely and kindly and when she sticks her nose in the air-step in front of her and say, "oh I guess you didnt hear me, sd, I said hello, how are you?" "so glad you could stop by"-then sit down right next to her on the couch. Either she will feel ashamed and be unable to maintain the snottiness, or your dh will see how truly rude and snotty she is and come to his senses, OR you will make her feel so uncomfortable she will leave and think twice about showing up again.
I did as your husband said
I did as your husband said for years, it never got better. No matter what I said, how I acted, what I did for my steps it made no difference and my guess it will be the same for you. This is a problem that your bf's daughter has, it is her issue. It does make it terribly hard and very uncomfortable espcially if this is happening in your own home. I would be gone while daughter visits.....shop, walk, go out with a friend, get into a project, read a book. Until this girl accepts you and the situation which may be never (I have been in a stepmom role for 22 years and it has never got better) you can continue to expect this.