I don't think there is a way to get a promotion in his life. HOWEVER, I think it's critical to promote yourself in YOUR life.
Get out into the world and make friends, join a club, and spend all the time you can developing that. Don't avoid it because you want to be there just in case he decides to give you some attention. If skids are visiting, that's a perfect time for you to visit the nail salon or gym, have lunch with your girlfriends, or go to the library or take a class.
Do NOT let his expectation that you be there 24/7 for him and the skids loom over you. They are HIS kids and HE is on the visitation schedule, not you. But instead of making it a fight, just state clearly that since he is the parent that he should be the one parenting them, and you are stepping out of the picture to give them quality time together without your influence. It sounds much more healthy to put it that way. LOL
If you have kids, too, take them to the park or on a play date. Or if they're older, go play frisbee with them or fly a kite. Just remove yourself from the house and from being under his thumb 24/7, and then when he's free from the skids he can have your time and attention.
If he asks you "what's for dinner?" you can calmly tell him, I'm not sure. Maybe Burger King. You figure it out.
That has been the running theme in my life since I've been with DH. His SD is first...I am and always will be second. According to SD, I'm third. Her Dad first, Mom, second, and BrightSide third.
Well...guess who's first with me? ME!! I put my wants and needs first and although I feel guilt at times...I find with practice, the guilt has lessened. (Wink).
So, put yourself first, do things that make you happy.
i can honestly say (and i'm proud of) that i am not second best with my dh
i like what kerry said if he wont treat you like a woman SHOULD be treated then treat YOURSELF that way..........you'll be MUCH happier, schedule out of town girls weekends out when he has the kids so you CANT' be available as a babysitter/taxi.
That seems to be my only option as well and I'm sad because I really want to be with my guy and I love his kids. Why cant he just accept that I want to be included and that I SHOULD be included especially when it affects my personal life and time. frustrated!!
Im new at all this. I guess I just assumed when the skid was there we were gonna act like a happy family. I know its his kid...but won't he resent me if I bail everytime his son is there?
i wouldn't bail EVERY time but heck yeah, every 3-6 months my dd and i go out of town just her and i, took her ONLY to tx once, took her ONLY to a ballet, and taking her ONLY to see taylor swift in concert in September (can't wait for that one)
that's my bail out. skids usually don't care cause it's stuff they are not interested in and it gives them one on one time with daddy, however, taylor swift will KILL sd14 }:) besides it's on a week day and BM would NEVER approve of us taking her out of school for a concert OMG lets call CPS for that one! bahahaha }:)
Mimsy, those assumptions are expectations that you have in your mind that rarely are true in the real world. If you already feel like an excluded second best person, then you need to step away and make yourself first or no one else ever will.
And I didn't mean that your actions should mean you are BAILING... it just means you're developing a life for yourself.
If your DH resents you for having your own life away from him and his kid, let him know that you have chosen not to have children but you respect that he wanted a child and want to allow him the space to parent that child. And let him know that developing your own life is what you need for you. If he resents that, then he might not love you as much as he should.
And if he still resents you, you need to decide what to do about that. Did he bring you into the picture to take the BMs place? If so, did you sign up for that? I would continue to step out and create as much of a foundation in your life where you feel loved, confident and worthwhile otherwise you may get sucked into the vortex and become a door mat. You can start out small with just a trip to the gym, and then take your time in the shower and enjoy a good book in your room for a while, or make a phone call to a friend. It will give you emotional support to stay connected to friends, and will give him space away from you to appreciate you more.
And if he DOESN'T appreciate you more, then you have learned some valuable information.
Im going through the same right now. It seems that my boyfriend has created a competitive situation between myself him and the kids. Kids,work then me. I'm feeling sad and isolated even though i have my own life via friends,activities etc. I still feel left out with him and his "life". I can;t seem to get through to him that I need to be included and want to be. Any attempt at including myself financially,or activity wise with his kids always turns out to be a struggle because he feels guilty/stressed receiving my help or inclusion.
DH tells me all the time that I am the most important thing in his life. Yes, he loves his kids, but he realizes the importance of our relationship. I like to find a happy medium between letting DH and the kids do their own thing together, and doing things more as a "family". DH always wants me around, but there are times when I just need to step away for awhile. It makes me better able to be fun and laid back and happy when I am with them.
I used to make him my priority in everything...but I would never be a priority in his...used to be frustrating.
I know, I know.....there really is no 1st, 2nd...blah, blah, blah.
But I make myself a priority now. He makes SD10 his priority and that's his choice. If I want to do something I do it. I make a very good living on my own and don't need him financially. I don't depend on him for anything.
I love him and SD10. But I love me more. Always will.
Funny, early on in our relationship, I would pine for him whenever we were apart. Now when I have free time to myself..I LOVE IT. When he spends time with SD10 without me...I love that too!! More time to myself to do what I want, when I want. If I want to lay in bed and watch movies and eat bon-bons....I'll do it!
Doesn't mean I love him less....just means I'm way more secure with myself.
I think that is a wonderful balance! I'm like you... I would pine for him when we were apart in the beginning. But now, when they're both there walking in front of the tv, talking to me while I'm trying to read, or otherwise just being boys I often just send them off to do something else. Boys, go somewhere. Get out! I need some space.
Also, I'm studying to be a sign language interpreter so I have groups that meet up and socialize in sign language. My DH used to hate to let me out of his sight, so he would bring the skid with him and just sit there. They would get restless and annoying quickly and I would end up leaving early. Not good. So now, this is yet another way to get away and have my own life.
I think this weekend will be the perfect time for a mani/pedi. I'm sure ill take some heat for it...it's a catch22...ignored if I stay...fussy if I go. At least if I go I'll have something pretty to show for it.
I don't think it is possible....that's why I am taking my children and leaving. Four years wasted and one shared child who will be devastated, but i need to get out now instead of wasting more years being put on the back burner and being hated by my step kids. Nope...... I'm done!
I still haven't found a way
I still haven't found a way to deal w it, but if you figure it out PLEASE let me know because it is killing me
I don't think there is a way
I don't think there is a way to get a promotion in his life. HOWEVER, I think it's critical to promote yourself in YOUR life.
Get out into the world and make friends, join a club, and spend all the time you can developing that. Don't avoid it because you want to be there just in case he decides to give you some attention. If skids are visiting, that's a perfect time for you to visit the nail salon or gym, have lunch with your girlfriends, or go to the library or take a class.
Do NOT let his expectation that you be there 24/7 for him and the skids loom over you. They are HIS kids and HE is on the visitation schedule, not you. But instead of making it a fight, just state clearly that since he is the parent that he should be the one parenting them, and you are stepping out of the picture to give them quality time together without your influence. It sounds much more healthy to put it that way. LOL
If you have kids, too, take them to the park or on a play date. Or if they're older, go play frisbee with them or fly a kite. Just remove yourself from the house and from being under his thumb 24/7, and then when he's free from the skids he can have your time and attention.
If he asks you "what's for dinner?" you can calmly tell him, I'm not sure. Maybe Burger King. You figure it out.
^^Like^^ That has been the
^^Like^^
That has been the running theme in my life since I've been with DH. His SD is first...I am and always will be second. According to SD, I'm third. Her Dad first, Mom, second, and BrightSide third.
Well...guess who's first with me? ME!! I put my wants and needs first and although I feel guilt at times...I find with practice, the guilt has lessened. (Wink).
So, put yourself first, do things that make you happy.
i can honestly say (and i'm
i can honestly say (and i'm proud of) that i am not second best with my dh
i like what kerry said if he wont treat you like a woman SHOULD be treated then treat YOURSELF that way..........you'll be MUCH happier, schedule out of town girls weekends out when he has the kids so you CANT' be available as a babysitter/taxi.
I am promoting myself by
I am promoting myself by LEAVING
That seems to be my only
That seems to be my only option as well and I'm sad because I really want to be with my guy and I love his kids. Why cant he just accept that I want to be included and that I SHOULD be included especially when it affects my personal life and time. frustrated!!
You're leaving? I'm sorry it
You're leaving? I'm sorry it has come to that for you. Big hugs to you, skylarksms.
Im new at all this. I guess I
Im new at all this. I guess I just assumed when the skid was there we were gonna act like a happy family. I know its his kid...but won't he resent me if I bail everytime his son is there?
i wouldn't bail EVERY time
i wouldn't bail EVERY time but heck yeah, every 3-6 months my dd and i go out of town just her and i, took her ONLY to tx once, took her ONLY to a ballet, and taking her ONLY to see taylor swift in concert in September (can't wait for that one)
that's my bail out. skids usually don't care cause it's stuff they are not interested in and it gives them one on one time with daddy, however, taylor swift will KILL sd14 }:) besides it's on a week day and BM would NEVER approve of us taking her out of school for a concert OMG lets call CPS for that one! bahahaha }:)
Mimsy, those assumptions are
Mimsy, those assumptions are expectations that you have in your mind that rarely are true in the real world. If you already feel like an excluded second best person, then you need to step away and make yourself first or no one else ever will.
And I didn't mean that your actions should mean you are BAILING... it just means you're developing a life for yourself.
If your DH resents you for having your own life away from him and his kid, let him know that you have chosen not to have children but you respect that he wanted a child and want to allow him the space to parent that child. And let him know that developing your own life is what you need for you. If he resents that, then he might not love you as much as he should.
And if he still resents you, you need to decide what to do about that. Did he bring you into the picture to take the BMs place? If so, did you sign up for that? I would continue to step out and create as much of a foundation in your life where you feel loved, confident and worthwhile otherwise you may get sucked into the vortex and become a door mat. You can start out small with just a trip to the gym, and then take your time in the shower and enjoy a good book in your room for a while, or make a phone call to a friend. It will give you emotional support to stay connected to friends, and will give him space away from you to appreciate you more.
And if he DOESN'T appreciate you more, then you have learned some valuable information.
nicely put kerry
nicely put kerry
Im going through the same
Im going through the same right now. It seems that my boyfriend has created a competitive situation between myself him and the kids. Kids,work then me. I'm feeling sad and isolated even though i have my own life via friends,activities etc. I still feel left out with him and his "life". I can;t seem to get through to him that I need to be included and want to be. Any attempt at including myself financially,or activity wise with his kids always turns out to be a struggle because he feels guilty/stressed receiving my help or inclusion.
DH tells me all the time that
DH tells me all the time that I am the most important thing in his life. Yes, he loves his kids, but he realizes the importance of our relationship. I like to find a happy medium between letting DH and the kids do their own thing together, and doing things more as a "family". DH always wants me around, but there are times when I just need to step away for awhile. It makes me better able to be fun and laid back and happy when I am with them.
I put myself first in my
I put myself first in my life. That's how I deal.
I used to make him my priority in everything...but I would never be a priority in his...used to be frustrating.
I know, I know.....there really is no 1st, 2nd...blah, blah, blah.
But I make myself a priority now. He makes SD10 his priority and that's his choice. If I want to do something I do it. I make a very good living on my own and don't need him financially. I don't depend on him for anything.
I love him and SD10. But I love me more. Always will.
Funny, early on in our relationship, I would pine for him whenever we were apart. Now when I have free time to myself..I LOVE IT. When he spends time with SD10 without me...I love that too!! More time to myself to do what I want, when I want. If I want to lay in bed and watch movies and eat bon-bons....I'll do it!
Doesn't mean I love him less....just means I'm way more secure with myself.
I think that is a wonderful
I think that is a wonderful balance! I'm like you... I would pine for him when we were apart in the beginning. But now, when they're both there walking in front of the tv, talking to me while I'm trying to read, or otherwise just being boys I often just send them off to do something else. Boys, go somewhere. Get out! I need some space.
Also, I'm studying to be a
Also, I'm studying to be a sign language interpreter so I have groups that meet up and socialize in sign language. My DH used to hate to let me out of his sight, so he would bring the skid with him and just sit there. They would get restless and annoying quickly and I would end up leaving early. Not good. So now, this is yet another way to get away and have my own life.
I think this weekend will be
I think this weekend will be the perfect time for a mani/pedi. I'm sure ill take some heat for it...it's a catch22...ignored if I stay...fussy if I go. At least if I go I'll have something pretty to show for it.
I don't think it is
I don't think it is possible....that's why I am taking my children and leaving. Four years wasted and one shared child who will be devastated, but i need to get out now instead of wasting more years being put on the back burner and being hated by my step kids. Nope...... I'm done!