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SD making my skin crawl ever since I became pregnant *vent*

CaliforniaSM's picture

Am I nuts over here? I can't dare post this on my pregnancy board or I'll get bombarded by the worlds perfect mothers shaming me to death. I'm five months pregnant and I swear ever since I became pregnant I have zero tolerance for my SD5 (6 in July). She's so damn needy for attention all the time and now, I dont know if it's the hormones or me just really starting to bond with my own child that I can't stand it. She's always been a jealous hound and will intrude on me and DH if he happens to show me affection, it stopped a bit after many repeated times correcting her. Don't be misguided I know she's a kid with split homes so she does need that time with her dad, and she gets it. But now her jealousy is getting more and more out of hand. DH will happen to rub my stomach or talk to the baby while SD is watching tv or playing perfectly content, she will see what he is doing and jump across the couch to yank DHs arm away and yell in a baby voice "My dada!!!". DH corrected her and I jumped on her a bit too because it pissed me off. Someone will buy something for the baby like a pacifier or a shirt and SD will try to put it in her mouth or wear something. At first I'd try to get her something small when the baby got something but I stopped because that's not real life, the baby has needs and must have certain things to start, she will not always get something just because someone else did, just like the baby will not get things when SD does like on her birthday. DH doesn't understand and just says it's my hormones and they will pass but I don't feel like they will. I never believed people when they said "You'll never love a child the same way you love your own" but now I get it, you really can't. Anybody been where I am and have advice on how to keep myself in check I guess when she's here? It's not her fault and I don't want to jump down her throat constantly, I'm just really finding t difficult to tolerate.

Thanks for listening to my oregnancy rant!

CaliforniaSM's picture

So true! I honestly NAIVELY thought I loved my SD like my own. But now I see that I was completely off the damn rocker. You can't possible love anyone or anyone else's child like you do your own. I love my unborn daughter with ever fiber of my being. I love my SD too, but now I see the difference, I love her as my SD and as DHs child that's it.

CaliforniaSM's picture

We've been trying certain things like big sister books, and explaining while she may have to share attention with her new sister she will always be the only 'her' in this family and in the world and she will get to do things the baby can't like eat pizza with dad and go to gymnastics and school, etc. But it doesn't really seem to be cutting it, any suggestions?
It doesn't help the situation either that BM is in her ear telling her all her attention will be taken away..etc. SD is a spitting image of her BM and she's also been jealous since we've gotten pregnant and is now trying to have a baby with her boyfriend lol. She'll just never move on from DH no matter what even though they were never married and were off and on for three years with it being about 4 months continuously including her cheating six times lol.

SugarSpice's picture

typical. the sd sees you as competition for her father and also sees your child as a potential rival.

this needs to be nipped in the bud, preferably by your husband. if he does not have the balls to do it, you need to.

you can tell the sd that she will be getting a new little brother or sister.

if she is that jealous you may have a bigger problem.

CaliforniaSM's picture

I'm going to force DH to man up and be the bad cop for once, it's usually me doing so unless there's a major discipline problem (which I consider this to be). Lately SD likes to try and play a little game of 'one side against the other' where she'll ask me something, I give her an answer then she'll go find DH and ask the same thing looking for a different answer and come back and say 'well my dad said..'. I've spoke to him and told him about my patience wearing thin (not in the way I've told you all obviously I tried being a little more polite and considerate because that his child so he probably can't understand what I'm feeling). i find myself getting so irritated I over SD not listening or not doing what she's been told or her trying to play me and DH against eachother to the point where it'll drive me insane. Finally, I thought 'wait a damn minute, this is my pregnancy, my house, I'm not going to let a 5 year olds behavior dictate my happiness'. Now I just leave the room and watch tv or take a bath and listen to DH and SD act like two lost puppies without me keeping schedule going.

CaliforniaSM's picture

Thank you for making the time out o right such a detailed response back, some day are definetly easier than others. Some days I do enjoy having SD around, it's just seeming to be fewer and father between. But, I will work on being more compassionate as you suggested. In the times I feel overwhelmed or too emotional I'll try to now simply leve the situation to defuse myself and allow DH to take control. Again, thank you!

Monchichi's picture

I'm going to do something usually frowned on here. Any child bio or step can potentially regress in behavior and mannerisms when a new sibling is about to arrive. None of the behaviors you are describing in your step daughter is unusual. They attempt to reaffirm the safety of their position with the parent(s). Depending on the child's age and maturity is how they will act out.

My SS had a complete nuclear melt down that I was pregnant and even worse it was a girl. He has driven us insane with insecurity, regression in behavior, threatening baby, refusing to come to our house etc. My daughter sought to reaffirm her place as the eldest and that even after her sister was born I would love everyone. Both children reacted and both needed to be reassured that neither of our affections changed because of a new baby.

Your DH NEEDS to prepare his daughter for the arrival of baby. Read as much as he and you can on how to handle her behavior. There is so much information available out there. Your SD will feel immense sibling rivalry. And it gets worse after baby is born. Babies need a lot of care and nurturing. They are the main focus and attraction both in your home and out. They are more needy than an older sibling.

You are 500 times less tolerant of a step child while pregnant. You are nesting and bonding to your baby. Everything that interferes or is a perceived threat annoys you. It does lessen after baby is born and dependent on you being given the time to bond with your baby and "hole" yourself up.

I know it's hard. I've been there but try a little more patience and understanding. Speak to your DH about preparing your SD for what is to come. It is a life change for all of you.

If talking and reading up does not work then I am 100% in agreement with sueu2, go for counselling.

Rags's picture

You are right regarding the differences between kids. My dad gave me clarity when I was nearing my teens and my younger brothers were in their toddler and young child years. The message was clear. I had already had my time at the ages they were at and would not be allowed to detract from their turn at that age just as they would not be able to interfere in me being a preteen at the time.

Hopefully your DH will find clarity and step up as husband and dad.

Good luck.

Gwynnafaye's picture

I think the idea that you should love the child as your own that your DH had with another woman is ridiculous. It's possible to love them, but to love them like your own child, no. Not happening. It's biological. I love my kids heart and soul even though I hate their father. DH loves his kids heart and soul even though their mother now disgusts him. But to love the child your spouse had with another - it's difficult. It's not their fault. We, as adults, know that. My skids will never know that sometimes I can't stand the sight of them. I don't always feel that way. Usually only when their mother butts her nasty quatch head into our lives. I can feel affection for them at times. I even like them most of the time, but the kind of love I have for my own kids, not even close. Even in nature, animals will often get rid of the offspring of a rival. There is nothing unnatural with what you are feeling. We just have to remember that it's not their fault that they are not ours.

Maxwell09's picture

It's you. I don't think you should be expected to love his child like your own but the aggravation you have towards her right now is your own. I'm pregnant, almost ready to pop and some days I can't handle SS3 on my own.

Like yesterday, we went to the pet store to look at the animals after school and he constantly kept telling DH to "look at me daddy". In a ugly way to say it, he was up DHs butt for the whole outing and when we got home it was the same deal. I was fine with this because some days I just find him exhausting so I cleaned instead and went for a walk. After DH left for work, after dinner, apparently it was my turn because he was up in my lap, putting feathers in my face, etc. luckily my mom stopped by with some ice cream and they played for a few minutes, the bath and bed after an episode of some show he watches.

I was the one that "wasn't in the mood" and he was just acting like his normal toddler self. Thankfully I had help, but basically your skid and my skid are just wanting attention, it's like they know when we are preoccupied so they redirect us constantly to focus on them. I'm sure it's a phase like the others said so it'll be over eventually.

QueenBeau's picture

I felt the same way. I got better when DS was about 7 or 8 weeks old. Just make sure your DH is handling SD & helping her cope with her feelings. It's hormonal, it's a strong instinct, almost like the nesting instinct, to get rid of the annoying skid. I think it's strong with baby#1 from what others have told me. But it does pass. & you will be able to tolerate her again, maybe even like her again! It gets better.

AllySkoo's picture

I agree with pretty much everyone. It's hormones, it's her behavior, it's your DH, it's *everything*.

I will say this - it can get better. The BEST thing you can do, for you and for your DD AND for your SD, is to encourage THEIR bond. You don't have to buy them equal stuff (you're right, not a good idea), but start telling her how awesome it will be to have a sister. Tell her what a great BIG sister she'll be, how she can teach her sister XYZ (whatever she knows), how her baby sister is going to love playing with her. Yeah, she's "losing her place" - so give her a new one. She will be the ONLY big sister your child will have. EVER. Make that special.

One of the "tricks" my pediatrician gave me to use to limit sibling jealousy was to specifically put the oldest first sometimes. So, the baby is in the swing and the oldest asks for a drink. I say, "Sure Oldest! Baby, you'll have to wait for a few minutes." Or oldest wants to color and it's nap time for baby, "Sure Oldest! Baby, you're going to have to go to bed for a bit so I can color with Oldest." (Totally a "mental trick", but it works on 5-6 year olds! *lol*) The baby neither knows nor cares that you've told her she has to wait - but you've *explicitly* told the older child that her needs come first *this time*. Not all the time, obviously, but THIS time. They need that, and it helps mitigate the jealousy.

I will say too, that once my BS started getting a bit older and interacted with people, I became a lot more open to my SDs. He *adores* them. Anyone who can make my child smile with such pure happiness just can't be all bad, and he helps me see the good in them. Smile

CaliforniaSM's picture

Thank you all again for taking time out to not only read my long rant but respond with just great tips/advice.
I will do my very best being more patient with SD, give DH more responsibility with not only her but the household because I admittedly can be very much 'my way to do things is best' but I'm discovering I need help and will continue to need help when the baby is here and that's what parenting and marriage is, helping one another where the other lacks.
I will also give SD more responsibilities and speak up the benefits of becoming the older sibling like suggested because I do want them to bond and not be the 'half sister' 'DH and SMs kid'.
I just wanted to thank everyone also for not jumping my ass about my feelings, holding them in I was starting to feel like this was only happening to me and this was my issue, etc. Like I said before, some days are nice, hopefully more will come because I certainly don't want to continue feeling like a nutcase lol

Yicks2412's picture

I had the same issue. I didn't find it got easier. I get beyond annoyed that sd will have played with every toy possible of little ones before she even gets to touch it. Now I hear well I had that shirt, hat, pants, dress as a baby was that mine?.Drives me absolutely nuts. When I was 5 mo pregnant bf would think it was ok to let sd sleep in our bed HA. that ended quick!

Crazy Liv's picture

I am 4 months pregnant with a 7 year old SD and wow I feel the same way you are feeling!! Nice to know I am not alone or crazy as my DH seems to think. I never really loved my SD and I always knew there would be no love like the love for a bio child but now that I am pregnant that feeling has intensified big time! My SD is a jealous attention hog too, always has been. I think my tolerance for her is wearing thin because of the hormones because she has never annoyed me as much as she has lately. I feel bad about the way I feel but I also feel a little out of control. Sorry I don't really have any advice but know you are not alone and I hope it gets better!!

CaliforniaSM's picture

Lol do we have the same SD?
I appreciate you writing I definetly don't feel so crazy now knowing I'm not the only one!
Hoping it gets better for us both, wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby!

nikki_01's picture

Literally me last summer. Ex-sd (separated from H now) was the same age, did the same kind of shit.

Guess what? From my experience, your feelings won't change. You will favor/fall in love with your own baby...and may not even care stepchild is there anymore tbh. And don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling like this.

Before I left H and his spawn, I was around my baby 24/7 (because he is a baby after all). There wasn't any time to play "picture perfect stepmommy dearest". You will be tired, impatient, and keeping focus on your OWN child that needs YOU.

The one thing you can't change though, is that your baby and his kid are siblings. They will develop a bond of their own either loved/hated. But to make it easier on you in the future, a good bond between the two is probably going to be what's best. That doesn't mean you have to love or even like SD, just try to get her into "big sister" mode early.

I had a shitty ex-h. He flat out admitted to me that he favored sd over our baby because she was his firstborn (partly why I left him). Well guess what, the playing field is the same for Stepmom's. You'll favor your baby over his because this one is YOUR first.

It really does suck. And I know what it's like when just the presence of the skid irritates you. I got called out on it the ENTIRE time I was pregnant. Don't be upset if mean words fly out of your mouth out of impatience. It really is overwhelming. Especially when the skid is a brat.