Co parenting *vent*
First off let me say that my SD3 is one of the most caring little kids I know. She is a GREAT big sister to my DDs. (Baby talks our 6mo old and is always wanting to hold her or help with diaper changes, and loves to play with my 18mo old.) We have had little problems with pushing, or yelling when she gets upset. But usually by her second warning she stops and keeps her hands to herself. Very rarely does she go in timeout when she is with FDH and I, only cause she listens and does what is told/asked.
BM texted FDH last night, saying she was tired of SD3 throwingtoys at her sons head, i think he's almost 1. She continues to text FDH and say that SD doesn't listen to her or her BF, and has no respect for them. (Yells at them, calls BM a B!tch, tells her she hates her. I didn't even know a 3 year old could know what hate is or how to use it. I know she knows cuss words, not from our house, the last thing we want is one of our girls going to school with nasty words in their vocab.)
I also know she didn't learn to talk to her BM that way, we don't even talk about BM when SD is here, or awake.
We have tried to do the co parent thing with BM. FDH has met with her on two or three occasions to talk about how we discipline SD. And how we handle her not so great behavior. But it was like in one ear out the other with BM, or she's not doing it properly. FDH has been getting texts from BM once a week (if not more) when she has her because, as she states 'I just can't handle her anymore. You have no idea how hard it is to raise two kids.'
Uhm, excuse me, but we do have two kids full time, with a third on the way, and THREE 60% of the time. So excuse me for not having simpathy for someone with ONE baby full time and two 40% of the time.
Its not like we haven't tried to help BM with how SD acts with her, cause we have. And to be honest, I wouldn't know how to handle it either. Cause SD does not act out like that when she is here. FDH wants to continue to try and help BM with SD, but I know (from past experience with trying to help BM) it won't help. I have asked my mom how we could help BM, my mom has been a foster parent for the last 10 years, and has adopted 6, 2 whom are mentally challenged. (She has helped parents whom wanted their kids back to get their kids back.) And she told me that you CAN'T teach how to be a good parent. I didn't get it at first, but after trying to help BM for the last year, since SD turned 2. I think I'm finally getting it.
It just upsets and confuses me when BM says she can't handle SD, and she is 'at the end of her rope' but then she wants to take SD from FDH and I any chance she can... Which isn't that often anymore.
Well I'm done, sorry for the length and the spelling (I'm on the Mobil site.) But I feel much better now that I got it out. Thank you for reading. = )
agreed
agreed
What is "parallel parenting"?
What is "parallel parenting"? :?
When I researched it most of
When I researched it most of the pages I read said that parallel parenting was 'moms house moms rules, dads house dads rules' neither parent had any say with what happens with the child during their time... Unless it had to do with serious stuff, like medical things, or school things.
Something FDH and I are going to adopt.
Feel free to point out to her
Feel free to point out to her when she gets like that, that you would be more than happy to take SD full-time if she feels like she can't handle it.
}:)
Sounds like she just wants the attention to me. I can't handle my own kids, someone come rescue me!
We have tried this. About 6
We have tried this. About 6 mo ago BM was texting FDH saying how difficult SD was being, and told us SD was pushing her to the edge. FDH offered to take SD full time, BM's tune changed so fast... 'Well... Uhm... I can't NOT see her. Its hard enough to be with out her for the 4-5 days you have her.' Yet she has no problem going on a 'family' vacation with BF and their baby for a week and a half. We offered to change the Schedule so she didn't lose any time with SD, but she said 'no we won't be gone that long, and when we get back my pick up day is the next day, so we can just do that.' But when her BF had a family reunion on FDH's time she wanted to keep SD an extra two days.
She totally trys to look like MOTY to everyone. Its really getting old.
Children that age can react
Children that age can react positively or negatively to younger siblings based on whether the parents take care to make sure existing children have enough time and attention, and are encouraged to have a loving helpful relationship with the baby. From what you say it sounds as if BM is struggling to divide her time between multiple children and so SD is jealous of BM's baby and acting out and being aggressive towards the baby to get attention. That becomes a negative cycle when the child gets more negative attention than positive. Whereas it sounds like SD feels involved with your babies and gets plenty of attention with you so doesn't feel the need to act out as much, or escalate her behaviour in the same way. But of course it's very difficult to affect any positive change at BM's if she is not open to trying different approaches or co parenting with similar rules. Recently I saw a mother with her friend at the bus stop near my house (I was weeding the front garden). The mother was talking non stop to her friend, and of course her little boy, who looked about 3, was bored waiting at the bus stop, and began to mess about (they were waiting about 20 minutes, a long time for a 3 year old to stand around doing nothing). The only break his mother took from her conversation was to tell him off, which happened repeatedly and with escalating crossness and threats of smacking. The mother was completely oblivious to the fact that she was completely ignoring her child, unless he was naughty. If she had taken a break from her chatting to play a game with him, or picked him up and involved him in the conversation, they would both have had a completely different experience. It just struck me as a classic example of how parents can be oblivious to the way their own behaviour feeds that of their children.
I do believe that this is
I do believe that this is what's going on at BM's. But I don't know for sure. It really pisses me off, though, when BM accuses FDH and I that we don't give her enough attention... When clearly we do.
I am going to talk with FDH tonight about parallel parenting. If BM isn't going to take the help we have tried to offer, she's on her own. Who knows maybe she'll finally give up, and let us have SD full time. Cause I totally wouldn't have a problem with that.
I mean BM's mom gave up her rights to her first born son whenhe was almost 4... Could history repeat itself?