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Saying goodbye - DH and I calling it quits - His kids won

hornet64's picture

So everything came to a head last night and divorce is no longer just talk. In fact, he has already taken money out of our account and opened a new one.

What it came down to... he said that I can't accept his kids. I told him that was not true. I can and do accept his kids, but just don't want to be around them all the time. Well, that doesn't work for him as he stated to me he wanted a wife that would be fully engaged with his kids and love them, etc. He even said that I wasn't "kid-friendly." I'll have to remember to put that on my resume next time.

So to all of you stepmoms and stepdads who go through the crap and the drama everyday like I did, I wish all of you guys/gals the best. And even though this really, really hurts right now... it is probably the best for everyone concerned. It's like ripping off a band-aid. It's gonna hurt and sting for a while, but it will get better. No matter what decisions you all decide to make for yourselves and your futures, remember that life is too short to be unhappy.

Take care everyone.

amber3902's picture

Sorry it's come to this.

Geez, my exBF said the same thing - that I wouldn't "accept" his son. WTF does that mean? That I accept that his kid is a spoiled brat? That I accept his rude, annoying behavior?

"Accept" doesn't mean you just allow bad behavior to continue. If I wanted to break up with my BF because he was cheating on me, would he say I wouldn't accept him?

I can't stand that saying!!

It sounds like he was looking for a replacement mom for his kids, sounds like you're better off anyway. You are so right, life is too short to waste it being unhappy.

Good luck to you.

ncgal1980's picture

Oh, I am so sorry. I wish you the best of luck, and I really hate that this happened, though in the end it may be for the best, especially for you.

Sounds like he wants a stand-in mom, which you shouldn't be expected to be. If he truly thinks he's going to find a woman to be what he wants her to be, all I can say is..."Good luck with that!"

He's in for a lot of disappointing relationships in the future, I'm afraid.

Again, I really feel for you! I wish you only the best!

I'd never say this out loud - and certainly not to DH - but I sincerely wish he didn't have any kids. They complicate our lives to the point that we've only been married seven months, but I find myself daydreaming about the "easy" days when I was just a single mom!

morethanibargainedfor's picture

I don't understand people like your DH.
My SO and I both have always had the opinion that your spouse is first priority. You are going to spend the rest of your life with your husband/wife. NOT with your kids. Your kids will grow up and get their own lives and families and if you do not make things work with your spouse then you will be the one who ends up alone.

I don't think he is thinking clearly. Maybe you should try explaining that to him. There's no reason for you to think of them as your own children. In a few years they will be gone and on with their own lives and your H will be lonely and realize that he got divorced for silly reasons and it was pointless.

Just my 2 cents.

Dizzy's picture

My DH and I are like this too. We are #1 in each other's lives. Period. Does it mean our kids don't have all the love and care that their little hearts, bodies and souls can stand? Of course not! But we are trying to raise strong women who will successfully launch into adulthood and make lives of their own. And when that happens, we will have each other.

To the OP, I'm so very sorry it has come to this for you. If it's not too late, maybe you and your DH could consider finding a therapist who has experience with step families so that your DH can get a does of reality. I feel bad for your DH...he has no idea what he's done.

hornet64's picture

I asked him to go to counseling with me... He said, "F*ck you and f*ck counseling." He said that the world does not need them because whatever they say is only their opinion and NOBODY will change him.

morethanibargainedfor's picture

Then sadly, he probably will not ever change. It's best to move on and find someone who will put as much effort into your relationship as you do.

memyselfandi's picture

I soo agree and am sorry to say..

What an ass.

There ARE guys out there that are "human" and are willing to raise their children "with" someone other than BM, while raising his kids together with you.

Hopefully you'll find one of those as you sound like such a wonderful person. I wish you all the luck in the world that you find that one person that will allow you not only into his life..but into the life of his children. Completely.

Seems in this day and age, men like that are hard to find. We here call them everything from, "Disney Daddies" to "Daaaaddddyys"

I myself tried to be a part of the family and a good stepmom. I'm all of the above and have been told what a wonderful stepmom I am..however..that doesn't include discipline, since in the past..as nice as I tried to discipline, I did it wrong. SD is "sensitive" and needs to be disciplined in a certain way, etc.

Okie dokies.

Since I have no children of my own..I've been told that stepkids already HAVE a mom (gee..thanks honey..) and what they need most of all is a "friend".

Again...okie dokies.

Disney Daddy goes on spending every dime he has whenever we have the kids..isn't very proactive regarding discipline..and as the kids get older..they not only ask for more and more..they get more and more manipulative.

I guess I'll just sit back and watch as, what the heck do I know about raising kids with none of my own??

I didn't think I had to take a class in raising children to have SOME sort of common sense while his ex makes excuses to the kids like, "She isn't used to having kids around" and my hubby's repeated, "I'll discipline..." and "you do it wrong".

While he does pretty much nothing.

I've gotten to the point where I've said, "They're YOUR kids...", and he seems to have NO problem with that statement. I've also told him, "If they were mine, I'd be doing things a lot differently..but then again..they're YOUR kids"

He seems no have no problem with that..I'm their friend..not their mom.

So again, as the kids grow up being privileged..getting everything their hearts desire..and Daddy continues to spoil them rotton..

I'll sit back and watch as my feeling is, "Raise them now..or fix them later.."

Oh boy..will he and his ex have their hands full!!

Disneyfan's picture

The OP's husband is on wife number four. In his world spouses aren't forever but his kids are.

He has has taught his kids that spouses are only in your life for a season. Once that season has passed, the relationship ends.

Chances are he will continue to marry thinking he'll find a woman willing to play second/third fiddle to his kid and grandkids.

morethanibargainedfor's picture

That's very sad. He is going to end up alone. His kids will grow up and move on and he will have no one. I feel bad for him.

ncgal1980's picture

He'll never find what he's looking for. He won't. Such a person doesn't exist except on old TV shows.

One day he'll realize what he lost, and by then it'll be too late.

I am so sorry.

hornet64's picture

I never actually showed him the site, but I would tell him stories on the site about how smom's all over the world felt like I did and agreed with me. He basically said then we are all full of it and we all have problems. Uh.... he's the one with the 3 ex-wives and the 4 kids. Yes, I was stupid for getting involved, but he is the one with the real issues.

HungryEyes's picture

You're right... it will get better. I promise. I'm sorry you're hurting though.

Do me a favor and open up a new bank account and move the rest of the money into that one under only your own name.

Our bank will not take names off accounts, they will only open a new one for someone which means your soon-to-be-ex will still have access to your money. Blessings to you.

Modernworld1011's picture

Hugs and support as I have been there. It will get better, and you will find that wonderful person you were before the tornado of crazy hit. One day probably in the not too distant future you will awake and feel so wonderful and freed from the insanity. Best of wishes and take care!

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

The light at the end of the tunnel is closer than you think. It bugs me that he wants his kids to have him AND their mom AND a stand-in mom. Wow! What do you get? These men are trying to hard to PLEASE the wrong person and can't accept the fact that it is their JOB to teach the children the right way to act. Just to hard to see little Jimmy or lovely Leah cry or have a tantrum. Heaven forbid their little darlings punish them by not coming for a visit next time. You understand children exhibit bad behavior, but some daddies are such enablers and laissez faire fathers that they would rather play Good Cop/Bad Copy with you than to raise children with basic manners. HOld your head up high and find a man with the same values of respect that you hold. You will.

hornet64's picture

Thank you, everyone, for the supportive words.

I might be back on here for some more support because crap is really gonna hit the fan when he finds out that I'm suing him for alimony. And he thought we could separate and I wouldn't get anything because I didn't birth him another baby. Guess what! The attorney said that I am likely to get more for myself that each child gets! }:)

anotherstep's picture

Good! As much as we deal with blood sucking BMs, it is nice to see one of us getting something for themselves. Take his brat-raising ass to the cleaners!!!!

TheBrightSide's picture

Trust me. It will get better. I've was there a year ago. Now. I truly am so much happier.
I sleep at night. (well, my stressful job sometimes wakes me up in the night).

Here's the thing.

This is what I have now.

I have loving siblings, mother and friends.
I have a fantastic career.
I have my health. (maybe that should have been first?)
I have my sweet sweet dog.

Here is what I don't have.

Relationship problems

You will be fine. TRUST ME.

TheBrightSide's picture

Trust me. It will get better. I've was there a year ago. Now. I truly am so much happier.
I sleep at night. (well, my stressful job sometimes wakes me up in the night).

Here's the thing.

This is what I have now.

I have loving siblings, mother and friends.
I have a fantastic career.
I have my health. (maybe that should have been first?)
I have my sweet sweet dog.

Here is what I don't have.

Relationship problems

You will be fine. TRUST ME.

hornet64's picture

Read SD8's little journal. In it she wrote that DH told her that we were getting a divorce because I didn't like her anymore.

Why would a dad say that to his kid? He should have just told her that we were having adult problems and she would understand when she got older. It's bad enough that her BM told her that her last divorce was her fault. Regardless of how I feel about the kid, neither one of her parents handled it correctly.

And what DH told her wasn't true anyway. It's not that I don't like her anymore. I never liked her in the first place.

JYMCat's picture

The last portion of this comment made me laugh out loud for real.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your soon to be EX seems like a clueless jerk determined not to learn from his previous relationship failures and end up alone. You're really getting a break I think. You didn't have children with him so you never have to see his stubborn face again! If he wants to dedicate his life to his kids then let him. He should come with a disclaimer for all women who follow. :::DO NOT MARRY, BROKEN, WILL DISAPPOINT:::

PolyMom's picture

That's really too bad. One thing I think we all have experience with is ending relationships and they're never fun, but it probably is for the best. It sounds like he has really unfair expectations on you in regards to his kids. You can't force love to happen, it has to grow naturally, and it has to be a two-way street. You put forth a little effort, and so must they. You can only pretend for so long. still here if you need us!

stepnicole2010's picture

@hornet64 - I left six months ago and have never been happier. Your DH sounds like he does not appreciate you at all. He also sounds a bit abusive.

Once the shock wears off and you start settling into your new quiet life, you will be ok. Better than ok - your life will be yours!!!

hansolo's picture

The Kids Won - that pretty much illustrates the fact that there was little/no parenting. When the children rule the house, you have chaos. Simple as that. Our constant fight was to remind ex that she was the parent, SD is the child. But never a correct. 9 years and now she's a 14 year monster that calls her mother names and show's grow disrespect (get me my mac and chesse! Now!) It was chaos, thougth I was losing my mind. Had to leave 3 years ago...gave it another shot - what a mistake.

Hugs

sushine's picture

This is probably a blessing in disguise. Good luck.. and enjoy the peace of mind once the dust settles. My husband used me as a live in babysitter and it only bred resentments from all sides. Now 9 years later SS13 and SD 16 the kids are hateful brats that refuse to speak unless they want something from me..more recently they do not at all speak to me as they now no my answer is always a uniform NO..NOPE..Busy...
Basically if they cannot engage me respectfully or at all...well they can kiss my sweet ass.
I have raised 3 kids and they are kind hearted polite and not exempt from the general teenage antics of self absorbed natures.but have grown into young adults who are caring and loving people.
I am always on the fence daily about leaving the marriage as the stress mounts each time the Skids come(they love here 50% pr the week-at their BM request)
they are filthy thieving brats with no depth. SD told another student that Jesus was "just some idiot who stepped out from behind a rock" and got kicked out of school for making another girl cry. Her BM told her that. she was raised jewish and claims also to be athiest ..so I have to har her two bratty kids cutting down all people o ffaith..includin gmy family in our own home. Their dad is too out to uninvolved to care and see s them as hopeless since their BM is has no one and nothing in her life after 10 years, so she uses her kids as best friends and is constantly monitoring our house via text/skype/ you name it.. Get a damn life bitch ..but apparently she cannot. The kids love on junk and mountain dew. SD is over weight and does nothing at all ever but lay on her back eating and leaving trash filth etc in her room..you cannot even see the beautiful hard wood floor.. I hate paying for them to destroy my hard earned home and furniture. I 'd rather help out someone homeless who would appreciate and care for it... oh well.. looking forward to them never coming back or who knows I may have to abandon ship too. some people just are not worth any effort and I wasted a lot of years trying.

Poodle's picture

This guy is one of the cruelest I have read of on this site. Telling his young daughter that the SM's dislike for her broke up his marriage -- what an appalling load of responsibility to place on a young developing mind. I agree you should set her straight, if only to protect her next SM. It just demonstrates that all his manipulation of your feelings was for real and is almost incapable of change. No intimacy can touch him. If you are still around hornet, please make a note for STalk on some secret identifying feature of this man as I bet that his next partner will be here shortly. Then the rest of us can out him.

memyselfandi's picture

Sending hugs and support your way and soo sorry it came to this.

I'll never divorce my hubby, but I've sure wished oftentimes I'd thought more about setting boundaries BEFORE we said, "I do", since I feel like I just enabled it.

He's never said, "You knew this before you married me.." but I feel like I should have known better. I love his kids and they love me (and I guess I could have done worse, hearing the nightmare stories about some people's step kiddos)..

The bottom line is..there aren't many books written (if any) on step parenting. It's sort of a road all of us "hoe" on our own. And it's a tough one.

Not only do we have to deal with BM's..but we have to deal with "Disney Daddies" that don't parent, spend all kinds of money on the step kiddoes, have to put up with the bullshit, etc.

Having no kids of my own, I've heard it all, both to my face, and I'm sure behind my back, "She's not used to having kids around", "What does SHE know about parenting??" etc.

Sometime Daddy and BM talking incessantly on the phone about the kid's issues and I never feel completely involved in the kids lives, never feel a part of the decisions regarding the kids, and feel lucky when I AM involved.

Again..it's tough and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one holding this marriage together. For the most part..it's him and the kids. Him and his job. Him and his ex and the child support. He listens but he never REALLY listens...

I'm glad we don't have a blended family as I can't even imagine how tough it must be for those that do.

Two types of discipline, two ideas on how to raise children, etc.

It's hard enough just raising two from HIS previous marriage. His ways..my ways, never feeling like a part of things but just a sidekick..yikes!!

Tough enough trying to make a marriage work much less making it work when the kids are here. Hubbie's a slob..the kids are slobs..I feel like the maid..and for the most part, I'm just the stepmom and never really a REAL part of the family.

Anyone else ever feel like this??

When the kids are here, I make myself scarce as I feel like this is their "vacation home". I clean and they mess the house up so bad I can't stand to be around it. When we're out of towels, they look for me to tell me we're out of towels. No clean jeans or undies..all of a sudden I get popular.

But how dare I fill the fridge with all the things they love as they won't eat any of them. They don't want it unless it's not here..

Murphy's Law I guess...lol!!

Soo tired of the lack of respect regarding the mess they make of the house and how dare I say anything as according to Daddy..I don't do it right as SD is soo sensitive and has to be "disciplined in a CERTAIN way" (I didn't know there was a recipe..") SS is an arrogant smartass most of the time, so I find myself a little hole in the wall and just crawl in.

And this is what I'm realizing after two years of marriage with two step kids. I have no right to my moods and always have to be on my best behavior. There's no such thing as unconditional love when you have stepkids...you're the stepmom married to Daddy. Daddy rules and I'm the sidekick.

Not all marriages are like this when it comes to stepkids..just some and mine is one of them. So glad I fell onto this website as I was beyond myself.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this and I've told my hubby that several times. I can't stand the messes they make, can't stand the back talk, can't stand them period.

What I didn't get when I married him is the fact that I totally LOVE kids..his included. I just didn't suit up for this and again..I wonder all the time if, had I had kids of my own..I'd be better suited for this.

I'm used to my privacy..used to be respected, used to private times with my hubby, used to knowing where finances stand, etc.

Maybe I'm asking for too much?

With that he tells me that I'm the best step mom he could have ever chosen to be a part of his life and waay better than his ex. That I'm a better mom then she'll EVER be..

Yeah..I DO have a great hubby, BUT I can't help wondering to myself..if I have no say in how the kids are raised, how money is spent on the kids, etc..how the hell am I supposed to feel like a family with him and HIS kids.

And that's exactly how I feel. My hubby...his and his ex's kids. He only allows me in so much..and it's not very far..they're HIS kids...I'm just supposed to be their friend as they already HAVE a Mom.

I can't tell you how much that breaks my heart..never really being a Mom...while the ghost of his ex wife gets to be the Mom..while I'm just the sidekick.

Sad