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tools please

Starla's picture

Morning everyone, wake up I need some attention here Biggrin well maybe a tool I can't seem to find.

As some of you may have noticed, I have been posting a lot lately. You guys/gals have been so helpful & patient too - I really do appreciate it & have been using some of the advice. Would like to ask anyone who is reading this to share what tools you have been using that seems to be of help in your household.

The drama we created & the drama that we are bearing through as step parents, what is your tool of choice that helps you survive your day to day when everything seems hard? I guess in order to answer this question, you would write your issue or issues & add what you have done to fix your issues. And how has that been working for you & everyone in your household?

My main issue has been my toxic SD & the drama of it. I tried to parent her being she lived with us & she was a daily walking talking nightmare who showed no self control. Its scary sitting back knowing that she hurts people, the elder, animals, younger kids, & attempted murder on two people. There has been no real punishment or justice for what she has done. Her parents don't know what to do with her & her BM won't allow her to be placed in a group home or where ever she needs to go. I never thought a young teenager could be capable of what she has done until I seen it with my own two eyes. I currently have a love/hate relationship with her & so does her dad.

Tools I plan to use - disengage & avoid her for safety reasons.

Don't know how it will turn out yet being its a decision I only recently made. My heart really hurts for her cause she can be such a good kid if she had motivation to. I'm scared for her cause she may end up being locked up in a matter of a few years from now.

Current issue here, DH & I are dealing with depression & he is seeking medication help for his. I'm going to get therapy, to afraid of pills to be on them myself. SD is living with her mother & getting therapy in case you were wondering.

Fears between husband & I are not knowing if we waited to long not knowing how to handle it sooner but we are acting toxic at the time. My problem, it all feels like a light switch that I can't turn off. Anxiety levels are great, thoughts are non stop, resentment has set in, & I'm coping with it coming here where it feels safe to listen & talk.

It will work out- its just a matter of getting help & having time to heal.

Hope this may help you guys/gals too, please share your story for it helps talking & maybe another reader can find strength or a tool hearing your story.

giveitago's picture

I feel for you, SD here is every bit as bad. What made it worse was that the entire juvenile justice system could not cope with her iether! From age 13 until now this girl has been arrested numerous times.
Even taking into account that she was abandoned by her mother at age 11 and had all the therapy in the world, nothing was going to inspire her to alter her ways. The doctors gave a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, they could not do that until she was 18, because it's so rare in childhood? My honest opinion is that they should go ahead and diagnose it in childhood to get these kids the help to grow into adulthood with some strategies to cope?? Anyhow, what would I know?
Iknow now that it's a huge mistake to feel any sympathy for these people, it's got nothing whatsoever to how they are raised, it's not entirely the parents' fault if the kid will not learn how to behave decently and stay out of trouble.
People from all sorts of backgrounds make good, stay out of trouble etc. and the same background or history is true for juvenile delinquents. I truly believe that it's within the child, Some genetic malfunction that is still not entirely the fault of the parents. Where I can blame the parents is that they enable these kids, DH in point. If you give to and do everything for a child then the child does not learn how to deal with adult life. If you do not hold a child accountable then the child will take bigger liberties and behave even worse than before.
Even a sociopath can be reasonable, learn polite society and at least be 'plausible'.
DH spent jail time because this girl beat herself up and called 911, saying her daddy beat her? The DA knew, the entire district knew, what this girl was capable of so the DA dismissed the case. I have suffered physical harm, stupid me did not call the cops?
SD is currently living with her boyfriend/pimp, dancing in bars, doing drugs and generally living a terrible lifestyle...her choice since she made 18 a year ago.

SD assaulted an officer and committed actual bodily harm on two elderly people and got a two year sentence. An alternative to the sentence was to do drug court, SD kept getting dirty screens so was revoked and spent a year in the facility. The plan was for her to be released to us and for her to get back to school and make the most of herself, we'd support her. We arrive on her release date to see BM, larger than life, and the two of them waltzed off out of the courtroom together! I washed my hands of the girl that day.
SD has a twin brother too...whole other story! This boy does not get caught out and I feel that to be more dangerous. DH is currently enabling him, like he's the only one who's left to work with?

SS has stolen money from me on several occasions. I wash my hands of the boy now too.
What really helped me is to disengage from the little cherubs, let DH deal with them. The problem with that currently is that DH is doing a course of chemo therapy and the boy lives here, does not pay rent, occupies three rooms in the house with his stuff, threw everything into the guest room to clear rooms for himself, leaves laundry in the machines for days at a time and does not clean up after himself. DH subsidised him to the tune of nearly $1000 until he got himself a job and DH is still not willing to take rent from him? DH cleaned up the mess SS made the other night, sink full of pots, utensils, rice, veg and I dread to even think what else! What got me most was that SS watched his dad cleaning up his mess...he walked by him TWICE! Then DH cleaned out the bird cage, it's huge, and he was huffing and puffing so I suggested he ask the boy to help since the bird is mean and bonds only with DH...silly me for having common sense and making a good suggestion! The bird was bought for the boy as a birthday gift, I said it was not a good idea but...what would I know?
DH fixed my computer for me, offered me stuff, basically everything except tell the boy to clean up after himself?? Sorry DH, not this time buddy! I am refusing to deal with the kitchen, or the floor that DH hauled his tools etc from and left dirty, or anything without prior discussion! I am resolute.

Krispey Kreme's picture

This^^. I'm scared for you girlfriend. Run. Now, not later.

Skids who are violent are deal-breakers. When they are enabled by their BM, all the worse. You can't help these people. They need to fix this mess themselves. Sometimes you need to disengage completely from the whole situation before you can gain any kind of perspective. Feel sorry for them from a safe distance.

This ain't no joke. Get out of there!

StepDoormat's picture

And sometimes wine.

Sorry... I wish I had better tools. But, I struggle to figure out what those are too, obviously.

Starla's picture

Man you really have your hands full giveitago!!! I truly wish the best for you & your DH during these hard times & that the chemo works. Sure wished your SS was out of your home due to his behavior, I personally know its not easy. Sounds to me that your doing a great job hanging in there & being strong- way to go!! Also I couldn't agree with you more about kids being diagnosed sooner & getting the treatment to get the coping skills. Maybe our prisons wouldn't be so full... My SD was released from the mental institution after a week there at age 12 & all they could say was that she had a anxiety disorder. It was that very next weekend that she tried to kill me on a Saturday & my mother on Sunday. My mom was struck with firewood between her eyes, at least it wasn't burning yet for we were unloading the wood. There was not even any fighting/tension going on during that time, yea that's anxiety for you! The police talked us into bringing her back to the hospital which we did. Doctor asked her if she is going to try hurting one of us again & SD replies "I don't know". SD was being honest & she was released to us that very night for the mental ward did not have an extra room for her.

I can't leave my husband for his daughters actions, hes been doing his best to fix her & be supportive of me. This guy has a disturbed daughter & he knows it too, that wouldn't be fair for his wife to leave him above all. He granted my need of not allowing her back over here since the last visit & her ongoing actions. So I'm really not in harms way & even if I were, my husband to me is worth dying for. MMMM the smile I have just thinking about him Blum 3

Tools being used now are : no visits from her & disengaged.

Current problem: bearing through depression. Am focusing on the positive & treating the depression one day at a time.