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Resentment and anger is consuming me but I cannot let go no matter how hard I try....

Sherri43's picture

I remarried my kids dad last year. I had brought our kids up alone whilst he lived with another family for 7 years. He didn't have an affair, the split was heartbreaking but the relationship had broken down and we did not know how to repair it so divorced. He declared his love for me all the years we were apart but obviously he kept that secret.
The woman he lived with hated me and my kids to the point she would not have them more than every other weekend and certainly not in the holidays or help with childcare whilst I had to work full time. He paid all her bills and fed and clothed her kids from 3 different dads. They did not see their dads and my kids dad took them all on. The woman resented him giving me money and at times I had to practically beg! He had to look after her kids when he finished work so she could go to work. I resent her not taking care of my kids when he had to work, the were not allowed at 'her' house when he was at work.
He always had an excuse not to attend parents evenings but went to her kids parent's evenings?
There were no photos of my kids up in her house and when our grandkids came along she chose not to have a part in their lives, but when her grandkids came along, my kid's dad was expected to be grandpa.
My kids dad actually caught the woman treating my youngest badly so he left her.
We met up and talked things through and decided to be a family again and got married.
He says he misses her kids and grandkids. (we moved to another town) My mum and dad inlaw stayed at mine for a week in the hols and her kids now refuse to speak to them.
There has been no contact for a year but I see on facebook that her kids are still calling themselves stepfamily (they never married) to the inlaws and their children.
This is all in the past, we have a new life but I Cannot shift this resentment to the point of obsession. I cannot change the past but I worry that her kids will try and contact in the future. I am not heartless but I do not want them in our lives.
If they had been a proper stepfamily and all kids and grandkids were treated equal then I would accept the situation but it was all about her kids and she did not want his kids/grandkids.

furkidsforme's picture

UH.... maybe I'm not getting something here, but he takes off and supports another woman and her kids over yours and you go and remarry the dude??? W. T. F. ????

Justme54's picture

I am no counseler. I am having a bad day myself...just want to cry and divorce DH. I am so tired of feeling like a 3rd wheel is this marriage. When it comes to money MIL gets what she wants. When comes to ADULT skids, they get what they want. I repeat ADULT skids. MIL is wife no.1. Adult skids is wife no. 2. When it comes to money, it is like I am living with 2 other wives and I am 3rd on the list.

OK, back to you and your feelings. I am thinking is not totally about this other woman. I think your resentment is the pain and anger of going thru a divorce and being separated for 7 years. Is this what your are feeling....How could he take so much shit from this other woman, her controling, controling not just of money but of his own kids. He did this for 7 years and he allowed it. I think your resentment is...if he had tried half as hard with his marriage with you as his 7 year relationship with this woman...you all would of never go divorced.

It seems he does love you...he remarried you. As for this woman's kids, let it go.
I think you resent the 7 years you all lost when he was with this other woman. That is the past...if you do not let the past go...you can not move forward to the present. Do not worry about what if...as to this other woman's kids.

If you grieve on what troubles may come tomorrow, you can not smell the beauty of the flowers in your life and the warm secure sunshine on your back.

I hope I have helped. HAVE A BLESSED DAY!!

sterlingsilver's picture

Block her and her kids on FB and other ways you are still in contact or DH is in contact, and have a HAPPY LIFE. This is a second chance for you girl, take the bull by the horns and enjoy your man and kids! He came back to YOU! Amazing story!

WarmBody's picture

He attached to his kids from his old family. Any good person would. He misses them and wants to see them because he really loved them. Most step parents would leave without a look back. Him loving those kids makes you angry not because it is wrong but because it reminds you that you haven't seen him show enough love to his own kids. That's not his step kid's fault though.

If you are getting back together and want to make it work you need to put the past in the past and start with a clean slate.

I know you want to forget the past, but try as you might you can't because you need to know he loves you the most right now. You want proof in EVERY action he does. Let it go. It isn't a competition and if it was then he's with you and you've already won. He could easily have treated her well not because she was more important to him but out of guilt, because he wanted to do right by someone he was dating and fix the things he did wrong with you.

Stop looking for problems. You will drive yourself crazy. Let yourself see and believe in the real love that brought him back. You will need a short memory if you are going to bounce back.