Relationship about to come to an end....I think
OK...I have created a thread before where I had been dating this guy for a year. He lives at his grandmas and his kids are in his custody now. While I am still seeing him, I still have my own goals and dreams like owning a condo and advancing in my career. He's a great man and his kids are good (when they don't have attitude, lol) too.
He has been bugging me to move in with him, and most recently told me that either I move in or he moves on to find what he is looking for. I am not against it, per se, but I have goals that I want to achieve first before making that step. Second....my mind is telling me no. Here's why:
-He lives with his mom, grandma, uncle, cousins, etc. I don't understand why he cannot go out and get his own place, he makes enough and isn't paying child support. And personally, I think it would be good for him to get his own place and gain some independence.
-When I asked him this, he said he would have to pay a babysitter for his kids. I don't get that. He works from 7am - 3pm. He can drop them off at daycare/school (which is subsidized and cheap) and take them after.
-I told him he might actually enjoy living with just being him and the kids, with no one else around telling him how to raise them or dictating his whereabouts. He said he wants to be with someone and to have someone live with him.
-I'm the first girl he's been with that he hasn't moved in with right away.
-It's been too sudden.....this "ultimatum" he has given me. Like we were fine for the past year and then "boom" I wanna move in, or we break up.
- I am enjoying living on my own for now.
His female friend (the crazy one who told me I better not eff up the relatioship or she'll come looking for me) has been lying low and quiet and nicer, thank goodness.
Now he is being very distant, like going a whole day without texting me or saying hello. He NEVER used to do that. Like he doesn't care about me. It hurts soooooo much.
And I feel very heartbroken and saddened. I let myself get attached to this guy and now get emotional at the thought of him with someone else.
Anyways, I've been trying to tell him why don't we work on something where we don't have to move in. He doesn't want that and for some reason doesn't want to live on his own with the kids (Again I don't get that!). But he's not seeing my point of view or willing to budge.
Really this sucks, and I'm going to find myself alone once again. Like I have that feeling that I won't be able to find another man? I hate that feeling.
If he doesnt want to live on
If he doesnt want to live on his own that would be a red flag to me, he is enjoying having everything done by these other people. If you moved in together would he expect you to take over what all those other people are doing for him? You enjoy living on your own and being independent I think someone who NEEDS someone else not just wants someone else would hurt you in the long run. Right now you can get out without much entanglement that might not be so easy later on.
I agree wtih briarmommy ...
I agree wtih briarmommy ... living with all that family and not needing babysitters ... no wonder but I bet that he relies on it so much that he doesn't actually have to do much for himself or his kids whatsoever. If he's talking about you two moving in together, I'd be very concerned at what the reality of the situation would be. If the family aren't there in support, does that mean you take those roles instead?
Don't rush in ...
Aside from the glaring red
Aside from the glaring red flag of an ultimatim to move in or move on and the other glaring red flag that a GROWN man doesn't live on his own... he doesn't respect your feelings. Even if he did live by himself and was as independent as can be, the fact is that he gave an ultimatim to move in and he didn't even take into account your feelings. It is not as though you two have been dating for 10 years and you've drug your feet the entire time. It isn't as though he asked you to choose between being faithful, accepting his kids, etc... he is asking you to give up your independence, your home and your way of life for the time being to suit what he wants. I am upset on your behalf that he would have such nerve to demand such a thing.
You will find another man, don't rush into anything or you will be on here venting someday about regretting the day that you didn't listen to your gut and now you are stuck doing absolutely everything for him and his kids with no help and your future will seem bleak... If your gut is bothered by something - pay close attention. Take care and keep us posted on how you do. Remember!! You will not venture through life alone, so don't SETTLE. If this man respected you and loved you, he would at least listen to your concerns. He would try to make things work even if it is uncomfortable for him to live alone. He would do that because he respects you, loves you... Focus on your goals. Make sure that you go through life being true to yourself.
If you feel it isn't right,
If you feel it isn't right, DON'T DO IT!! You will just end up regretting it and always thinking about other things you wish you could do. It may be nice at first, but as soon as the novelty wears off you will begin to long for all the things you know you want.
Not to put this doubt in your head and I could be way off but, it sounds like the relationship has changed. You say he goes a day without texting you, something he didn't do before. If he KNOWS you don't want to move in, why is he forcing it? Do you think that maybe he is using this ultimatum as a way of getting out of this relationship without having to be the bad guy? I am just saying this because this was a tactic my ex used with me because he didn't have the balls to say, "I don't want to do this anymore."
Either way, do what YOU want because you are the one who will have to live with the consequences.
I personally would not move
I personally would not move in with anyone unless we were married. It sounds to me like he is looking for someone to USE, to support him financially or take over babysitting duty.
It does sound too, like he is possibly moving on - in which case I would say: good riddance! I don't think you are missing anything dear-!!!
Find someone who will RESPECT you and your values and feelings. They are out there!! HUGS
Darling it sounds like he is
Darling it sounds like he is looking for another mom or babysitter here. Too many red flags, move on and find a nice guy without kids. You haven't married him yet, time to cut your losses. He sounds like a situation that would be difficult to extricate from once you have a kid of your own.
Stay independent and move on with your life...
RUN like hell and find
RUN like hell and find yourself a nice child-free man!! (by that i mean NO children EVER)
WAAAAAAAY too many red flags of MISERY!
Thanks all, this forum is
Thanks all, this forum is full of great members.
I just feel very heartbroken about it all.
I took a days off work to watch his kids while he was out at court to fight for custody. I bought them clothes, candy all kinds of things.
I just feel like I'm being written off for all that I put into it.
He says I don't act like I love him if I am not moving in.
He says he wants to be close to me. I said well we can move closer to each other, he isn't for that.
I pushed on why he doesn't want to do it on his own...who doesn't want independence?? He said no, he would have to find a babysitter for his kids. I asked, then what are you going to wait for the next girl to come along to move in with?? He said he didn't want to live alone with the kids, he wants another woman to be there that he loves and doesn't want to be lonely.
I want my own car, my own condo and my own capital before I merge with someone else....so if it doesn't work out I have something to fall back on. I don't understand why he doesn't want to try for that too, cause living together can be expensive (double the bills, double the food). He makes decent money why does he not want his own stuff???
He told me I was perfect for him, but if I don't want to move in then he will move on to find what he is looking for....a real woman that is on the same page as him.
His female friend said to me, 'Just try it, what do you have to lose?' His female friend said if it ends I still have to be there for the kids....just not visit them so much, wean myself off of them. She said I still have a moral obligation to the kids and if I didn't she would drag me by my hair to go see them. But if I go there to play with them and see another girl with him I'm going to cry.
I feel so hurt and just value-less with the way he is going on about ignoring me and acting as though I do not exist.
Ugggh. I am kinda in the same
Ugggh. I am kinda in the same boat - the (now ex) bf wanted me to move in with him right away. He expected me to bond with his kids right away, etc.
The most hurtful part of our "breakup" was how he began ignoring my calls and texts. He used the excuse, "my kids ar emy priority, texting and calling people is at the bottom of my list". He would go days, sometimes weeks, without talking to me. As soon as I would start to move on with life, boom, he would reappear and melt my heart with his "I love you's" and his excuses about how he is "internalizing" his feelings because he is having problems with BM. Anytime he would ignore me, it was pure hell. PURE HELL. I didn't know what I did - Did he break up with me? Is he injured and in the hospital and can't call me? What did I say to him the last time we spoke that may have ticked him off? Is he cheating? Unlike you, I used to call and sob on his VM, begging him to give me closure. And then he would label me as "too emotional", etc.
I think the silent treatment is a form of abuse. Give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore his calls and texts....forever. Most phones have apps where you can actually block that person from texting u. It will look like the text went through from their end, but you will never get it. Take a few days to mourn. But don't let this shit get u down for 2 long. what helped me was joinging Match. com. At first I wasn't into it because I loved him so much and didn't want anyone else. But after I began meandering through some profiles, my interest in other men somehow piqued. I made myself wink at one guy and we had our first date last weekend and we are going out again 2 night! He is 33 and NO KIDS! And he is super fun thus far!!!