Honestly, I would be upset that he was fine living apart until he needed something. I've been a single mom without help for years, and I always managed somehow. I wouldn't move in with him unless that's what both of you wanted for the right reasons (i.e. you love each other and want to spend your time together), not because he needs someone to play mommy to his kids.

Also, if you aren't ready to fill the role he wants you to fill, it wouldn't be fair to either of you to move in together. He will dump more and more responsibilities on you that you don't want, and you will start to feel resentful.

If he can't understand that, maybe you should move on. BOTH people in a relationship need to be happy. That includes you!

You had an agreement and understanding, your feelings haven't changed and it's none of anyone elses business so his SIL can butt out.
He doesn't want you to move in as the next phase of the relationship you wants you to be nanny and help pay bills.
Yes it is possible to raise 2 kids alone I did it for 3 years, it's called babysitters, and before and after school care most programs also have ways to assist with cost if you qualify.
So knowing this. Knowing WHY he wants you to move in and having a good idea of the role you will be shoved into even though you don't want it and it was an understood and agreed upon condition, how do you feel about this relationship.
Moving in with someone, getting married or heck doing anything out of guilt builds resentment really fast, resentment grows, anger and then where are you stuck wanting to leave and back to the guilt you'll feel "abandoning" him, he chose to have kids, he chose to raise them and it's his responsibility to continue to do so on his own.

"is it possible for a single parent to raise two kids without help??"

Um, yes, people do it ALL the time. I have two daughters, ages 14 and 7 that I have six days a week. Granted, the 14 year old takes care of herself pretty much now, but that wasn't always the case. I also work full time.

I agree with you that a relationship does not mean that you have to live together. He should not want to dump his responsibilities on you. He decided to have kids, not you. The relationship has been working wonderfully so far, you know moving in together is only going to make you miserable.

Him and his family should not be making you feel guilty. If someone has to be guilted into doing something, they probably should not be doing it anyway.

You know you won't be happy. Why set yourself up for failure?

Tell your BF you are happy with the way things are. If he isn't, then he either needs to accept that and not guilt you, or go find someone that is willing to be a mommy to his kids.

DON'T MOVE IN!!

Advice? DON'T DO IT! You will feel So resentful. It sucks for him that he seems to feel he needs help. It sucks for him that he apparently can't afford to do this on his own. That is NOT your problem. You did not birth these children.

Picture yourself a year from now living with him. Picture the amount of income you will have had to contribute so that your SO can survive. How much time and effort have you spent cooking, cleaning and caring? Will they be appreciative of these things or will they all take it as their due?

You need to talk to this man and tell him that he's asking to change the rules of your relationship and you can't abide by the new rules he wants to lay out. And I know you don't want to lose the relationship, but it is entirely possible that it's a lay down and be the perfect doormat he and his family want you to be or tell him no, his needs and expectations of you doesn't work for you and let him walk.

He CAN do this by himself. There are ways. There are single parents that figure this crap out all the time. He just doesn't want to. Doesn't want to be inconvenienced. Or he's afraid. Either way, stop feeling guilty. You didn't give him children and then run off. You've been very clear about your position from the beginning.

Remember that your needs are just as important. If you cave and move in you will end up miserable and will likely stop wanting to be with this man in time. You are Not responsible for his problems. You do Not have to provide him with a solution, girlfriend or not.

Hello,

Please do not move in and sell yourself short. I think he is feeling desperate and that is not your doing or your problem. If your happy living alone then why change that? It would not be in your best interest. He needs to put the heat on the BM or find another way and not pull you down. It already does not sound like he has your best interest in mind.

Understand that he has his hands full and all but he made them choices and it will wear you so thin trying to pick up the slack. Please listen to us and know that we will give you our honest opinions and that most of us has been there and done it already.

Keep in mind that his baggage is not your responsibility.

I really hope you follow the advice of everyone on here and DO NOT MOVE IN.

You have a taste of what it would be like and you know the expections he would have of you. Tell his sister to mind her own fucking business, who cares what his family thinks you should do. His mom isn't so worried bc she's leaving to do what she wants to do-rightfully so. He needs to hire a babysitter. You will become resentful and hate your life and daydream of your own quiet apartment that you let go.

If you feel guilty then maybe offer 1x a week to comeover and help? Do not lose your independance over this, you will regret it for the rest of your life

Of course, he wants you to feel guilty. Don't.

He wants you to be what most step mothers hate being, a replacement mother. Lucky for you, he told you straight up what his reason is for wanting you to move in.

He could have asked you to marry him and let you think he wanted you to move in because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you.

His sister-in-law told me it is time that I stopped flitting about in the relationship and either pony up and move in with him or move on from him

But it's ok for him to ask you to move in instead of ponying up and asking you to marry him or God forbid, do his own parenting duties. Whatever.

You mentioned him not being able to afford an apartment, does he live with his mother now?

Really, the whole situation just reeks of him wanting you for all the wrong reasons.
Even his family is waiting for you to step up so they don't have to. No, thanks.

"OK so you guys are saying that it is absolutely possible for a single parent to raise two kids ALONE even though bio-mom isn't around, period."

Think of it this way, what if BM passed away?

I raised my two kids on one income for eight months. That was because I wasn't getting CS. Now I get a whopping $300 a month in CS. If his family and friends all think that raising two kids on one income is impossible, they can make contributions.

And isn't the mom leaving her house to your BF? So doesn't that mean he won't have rent to pay, just utilities and upkeep?

Also, not sure if you live in a small town or something but most daycares open by 6 or 630, he needs to look into other daycare options

"If it ain't broke...DON'T fix it!" If your relationship is working for you the way it is then DO NOT MOVE IN! You would be INTENTIONALLY setting yourself up for misery, bitterness, resentment, and more! Like others have said...he has told you that he's pretty much just looking for a babysitter & help with his bills.

Please don't do what you KNOW in your gut is NOT WHAT YOU WANT & WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!

Seriously, there are single parents that do what he believes is impossible all day long, year after year! It can be done.

Yes, he can get care for his kids...yes, he can manage if he needs to,including changing his work schedule, days, finding another job, whatever. People do it all the time, are you serious? Yes, Mommy saved his butt by helping out and that's nice. Yes, Mommy needs to move on to live her life, I take it she's going after her happiness. SIL needs to shut it or take on some of the helping out...I notice she isn't offering picking up and dropping off...how convenient. The nerve that she wants to suggest you change your life around to accommodate her brother, A-friggin-mazing! I guess that's part of the reason why he thinks you should do it with no problem. He's probably gotten this bright idea from them when Mommy said she was moving on...his question was probably, "Well, what will I do with Billy and Jane if you move?" and in comes Sissy with her bright idea to talk to you and pressure you into taking on his responsibilities. Not saying that's exactly how it happened but it just seems all to convenient that they want YOU to pick up the slack for him because he cannot afford to do it alone.

It kind of sounds like a double standard because I have heard women telling friends to stick with men who simply to have "help" with their kids.

Sorry, I digress...do not feel guilty...it is not for you to rearrange your life to make his easier and yours harder. He isn't trying to move the relationship along, he just needs a live in nanny. Let him go find one.

Not to mention.. if you do any of this out of guilt, what else will you do out of guilt?

The guy is expecting too much from you. How is that going to help you in any way shape or form?

The family sounds crazy and out of line. It only gets worse once your committed.

I'm also the fun Aunt of many children but acting as a step parent has wiped the smiles off my face since marrying a man who already had children. I entered trying to save them - never again!!!

Please do you a favor, read many posts and learn the easy way before you make the biggest possible mistake of you life. Being a step parent just sucks and you will always get the short end of the stick no matter how hard you try. Then you end up learning how to disengage and you will feel empty.

Never thought them words could come out of my mouth but down the road, his kids will teach you that.

"I'm getting the impression from the rest of his family and friends that raising two kids on one income, as one parent is impossible."

Hasn't BF been living on his own all this time?

And isn't his mom going to leave him her home? So won't his living expenses actually go down?

Yes, it is possible for one parent to raise children alone. I have a good friend that raised 4 children by herself for 15 years without help. As the children get older it will get easier.

Financially, it is hard if there is no child support unless the parent has really good income. But you can cut corners, don't eat out, and file for food stamps, daycare supplement and other state aid programs.

Most employers are pretty sympathetic to single parents in regards to work schedule and days off for sick kids.

I suggest that you let him know that your mind has not changed you will not be moving in. You can offer to help him find daycare or a stay at home mom that might help out with daycare. You also might look into state programs that might be available. There is plenty of other ways to help out besides MOVING IN.

BTW, when my DH and I got married he was a single parent so he cooked, cleaned, did the dishes, laundry, vacuumed, mopped, did all of the yard work etc. The first year we got married he stopped cooking and doing the dishes. The second year he stopped vacuuming, mopping and almost stopped doing the laundry. The third year he completely stopped doing the laundry. Now he mows the grass and looks at the inside work as being my responsibility. Does he say this? No, he doesn't but he sure shows it.

We had a discussion about this very subject this weekend. Will it change things maybe? I hope so.

I agree with the others. Sounds like he needs a nanny or a housekeeper instead of a live-in GF!

This is just disgusting. Of course millions of single parents out there that do it every day. It's life. I know you have to know that. What do you think they do? If daycare doesnt open until after he goes to work-he has two options-1)find a new job 2)find a new daycare provider. It's not rocket science. It sounds as if the family, including him, just neatly thought you would move in and there would be no need for him to make any changes. You moving in would be the easiest option for your man. The family does not want to help-that's why they are guilting you into moving in.

Kudos to his mom for moving off and having her own life and not raising his kids anymore.

Yes, thank heavens you kept your wits about you and kept your apt, on some level you know it is best for you (and it appears he was okay with it too, at first).

His family is feeding you a truck load of BS...single parents take care of their kids alone allllllll the time. Sometimes it is not their choice, but they do it.

Yes, I guess it would appear easy to the family that you do not jump to share in his responsibilities, just like it is easy for them to do the same. It is your right to choose to do something other than what someone else wants you to do.

Yes, they may have seen you as a way out for him but that is not their place unless they are kicking in time and money. Even if they were, you didn't have those babies, he did with his BM and you are not married to this dude, so there is no shared obligation, i.e. you haven't chosen to cohabitate with him because it is best for ALL in the home.

Keep in mind...you had an agreement while he had the help, now that it is moving away...all bets are off!

Do you want to continue to clean up after them while he does nothing? If so, go for it, otherwise if not, then don't. It will continue and you will end up bitter and resentful but you will have only yourself to blame because you had a choice and options and you allowed him to take them away or better yet you gave them away out of desperation. Never ever ever a good idea. I can imagine you will be upset with yourself more than anyone because you will remember what life was like before taking this on.

...and for no appreciation too...UGH...sooooo not a good idea! Good luck with whichever way you decide to go.

Let him remain distant, he is punishing you for having the audacity to express your feelings and also to balk at the idea of taking on his responsibilites. You will have the relationship HE wants, but what about what you want?

It is obvious you do not want this with him, otherwise you probably would not have come here for validation. Stick to your guns and go with your intuition. Do not be desperate, he will smell it and zero in on it and take advantage of it.

You know this is not right for you, at least from what I am reading anyway.

I guess when he had the kids he didn't expect that he would end up bearing the sole burden

This does not make it your responsibility.

more of an accessory to their rearing as opposed to a mom role

Yeah, and? You are not their mom. You are not, technically, even their step mom.

It's all about the kids

No, it's all about making it easier for HIM and his family. They want you to do what they are not willing to do. I help my sister with my niece. I have never wanted children but I do it because I love my sister, I love my niece, and I would rather she be with me than ANY guy that my sister dates.

I feel that I'm the one in the wrong

You are not in the wrong. You are not in the wrong. You are not in the wrong.

I want it to work so that both parties are satisfied

It is becoming apparent that this is not going to happen. Your boyfriend is already getting an attitude because you don't want to parent his children for him.

Personally, I would not want to be a part of this whole family.

OMG

Back off and look at this as if it was someone else in this situation.

Why in the hell would anyone set themselves up to be used financially and otherwise?

There is NOTHING in this for you.

Many women move in and find out that the man just wants a nanny/housekeeper. This man is being totally upfront about it.

You have NO REASON at all to feel guilty. These are NOT your children.

If a friend came to you and asked you to help them pay their rent and babysit their kids would you do it? Of course not.

Do not fall for this. If he cares for you he will not want to use you like this. If he doesn't care for you enough to respect your happiness he is not the man for you.

My MIL was a single parent to 4 kids from 1 y/o to 10 y/o when her husband died. She has never remarried. She never really even dated. She did Not have family around to help her out. She managed - By Herself. With kids younger than your boyfriend has. Was it hard? Absolutely. Can it be done? Absolutely.

Your BF's family knows him well enough that if they can't con or force you into doing it he's going to be crying to them for help All The Time and they don't want to do it either. That's why they're trying to guilt you into it, so they can pawn the responsibility off on You. They're full of crap. It will not be fun. It will not be easy. It will require sacrifice, hard work and patience. It will require him to do without some things. It will require the kids to do without some things. But no one will die if they have to forgo an extra movie a month. If the kids can't have cell phones when they turn 10.

He may not have planned on having to pick this burden up by himself but that's just too darn bad. He procreated with a loser and this is the consequence. You have it easy because you did not make poor life choices. He did. It's his burden to carry, not yours. You are not selfish or bad for not wanting to take on these responsibilities that belong to someone else.

And honestly, I think you should examine why you're so 'desperate' to hold onto a relationship where he's made it pretty clear that what he wants from you is to pick up his responsibilities and take care of him and his. You had no input in the birth of these children and you are not this man's mother. It is not on you to bail him out just because his life has gotten hard. He's an adult. He needs to figure it out. He made his decisions. He's not a victim or a martyr here. He's irresponsible. He's immature. He's trying to use you. He's trying to take advantage of you. He wants your money, your time, your help without giving you anything but a crap load of work in return. What are you getting out of this that you're so desperate to hold on to?

It's funny how it's only now 'all about the kids' when his mother wants her own life. Who gives a rat What his friends or family Expect of you. They can expect you to lasso the moon and present them with a silver unicorn on a gold platter, doesn't mean you need to make yourself crazy trying to meet their unrealistic expectations. His mess. His problem. Let HIM solve it. And tell these other people to butt out.

Another thing to keep in mind is the train-wreck BM that comes and goes.

Moving in with your BF could trigger her presence more often in the skids lives.

Which would be another point of resentment, as I would assume she'd be another burden for you to shoulder.

I think his sister-in-law knows what she is doing. She herself does not want to pick up the slack now that his mother is moving away. It sounds that he is dependent on others and he wants the help more then a partner. He is facing being a single parent and that is his concern right now.

Don't even think about moving in and stop listening to those selfish people who only want your money and time.

He will find a way after all he has so far and there is NEVER enough money. This is an abyss that you throw money into never to get any return.

Don't even think about it.

I cannot even fathom how selfish this is. Please do not even consider this. What a horrible way to begin an adult relationship. It is certainly not about you or how he feels for you at all.

These are NOT your children. They are not YOUR responsibility. Do not negotiate with terrorists. EVEN IF you lived with him this is not your problem. Tell him you'd be more then happy to help him find a good before care program.