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Regret!! Should not have helped so much

NotquiteWright's picture

I encouraged my partners relationship with his daughter the minute we got together!! She lived 4 hours away with her BM and I would travel to pick her up and bring her to stay as often as I could. Mainly school holidays and special occasions. Everything was going well but then her BM became distracted with boyfriends and looking after herself so much so that my SD went off the rails in early teen years. This has resulted in her and her mum moving closer to us for support. I AM MASSIVELY REGRETING SUPPORTING THIS DECISION. 

I do the bulk of's hard to disengage because I'm at home with my two young children so everyone assumes I can take her to school, collect her, feed her, keep an eye on her. 
the resentment is starting to show. I enjoy parenting my two little ones. I don't want a teenager yet. She follows me round the house chatting shit that I do t care about or feel too tired to respond. But if I mention to my SO that I find it hard work he can't understand. He says she's older and should be easy. But she's just there. Around. All the time! She has a late bedtime and just lounges on the sofa. I feel harsh. But I just think it's unfair that I carry the emotional baggage while her BP just go off and do their own thing. Albeit my partner is working but his job is flexible and he chooses to be out most of the time. 

mehhhhh. Thanks for letting me vent. I always feel awful when I ignore her but I just have no energy to give her...just want to look after my own kids. They are my responsibility and priority 

Texashley33's picture

I understand. I don't like having my 18 year old step son around at all. I have helped raise him since he was 2. His BM lost custody. So he's at our house 24/7, and I just want him to go live with his drunk mom so she can get a taste of her own medicine. He's a liar like her and I can't stand them. We have 2 children of our own and I just want it to be me, my husband, and 2 children. 

failuretolaunch's picture

You've come to the right place to vent. This site has been nothing but non judgemental and supportive.

You've created a rod for your own back here. How old is she and why is she always around. I think that you need to explain to your partner that his daughter is his and BM's responsibility. 

Between them and maybe you they need to do some of the parenting (you don't have to do any if you don't want to) But sounds like you need some help, which is ridiculous, as it should be the other way round, you helping out if you want to be supportive. Between them they can do pickups, lunch dinner etc and you should give a timescale as to when this should happen. Holiday clubs, babysitters. If she is old enough why can't she just go to BM's place and laze around there getting out from your feet.

if she's not in school she can have chores and again this should come from BD. If she is old enough she can work part time or full time.

I'm in the same place as you. I am sick and tired of seeing skids lay around and do nothing. I'm going more and more on strike which leaves BM with it all to handle, should have stepped away years ago.

You will be met with lots of resistance, excuses and probably be called selfish and difficult. Not your problem, they have both got an unpaid full time nanny in you and it works great for them. No no and no. You need support and a break. It really angers me when I read things like this, it is so selfish and they just seem to expect it because you are there.

Winterglow's picture

"But if I mention to my SO that I find it hard work he can't understand."

So it's time to take off for a weekend to see family/friends and leave him on his own with the 3 of them. You need and deserve a break. Let's see whether he still can't understand after that.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Agreed with Winterglow above.

Lady not only do you do the bulk, one day your SD may turn on you and NOT the bio parents. That will be the thanks you get.

Protect your heart, sanity, and mind.

Let your DH know you are burned out and he has to step up.

hereiam's picture

I'm sorry, but he can't understand how hard it is to do the bulk of the parenting? Then have his teenager there, to boot? Oh, he would find out real quick if I was his partner.

my partner is working but his job is flexible and he chooses to be out most of the time

Gee, I wonder why. What an asshole.

CLove's picture

SD is there to have visitation with her FATHER. To bond with the FATHER.

And he canot be bothered even with his flexible schedule.

Hes putting it all on you. Teens are tough. Emotional up and down rollercoaster. Its all hard, meanwhile you care for your kiddos.

Keep focusing on your bios. SD have 2 parents and you are not it. Try insisting that he take on the time with his own daughter.