Real dad has come back into the baby's life
Hi there,
Just looking for some opinions and advice really.
I met my partner when her daughter was a few months old. The real father was never involved or arround and I sort of assumed the responsibility of the main man in her life. She's never called me dad and I've tried to keep things in a way that respects the boundaries that I'm not her real dad. But I guess over time the boundaries get blurred. I look after her as if she were my own, I provide for her and care for her all the same. My partner always asks my opinions on parenting decisions and I look after her when she's not there. I do everything and my life revolves around this little girl.
She is now 2 and the real father has come back into her life and has been granted visitation for 2 days a week.
How would you all feel in this situation? I feel a bit down about it i think, I cant really explain, sort of isolated, lost and confused i guess. I know he is her dad and has a right to see his daughter, but I feel like I've lost something, like I'm now redundant and my place in the family will.change.
I tried to speak to my partner and she doesn't seem to understand, it probably doesn't help that I can't explain how I'm feeling, but my partner will always be the most important person in the little girls life, she is her mum and that will never change no matter who is in her life.
Do I have a right to feel like this? Logically I feel like I shouldn't and I keep telling my self nothing will really change, I will still need to care and look after this girl when she is home and I was never dad in the first place. But I just can't seem to shake this strange feeling, like anxiety, inside. Should I try recalibrate how I am around the little.girl? Step back a bit from acting like a parent when I am not to respect that the real dad is back in her life?
Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Yes, of course you have the
Yes, of course you have the right to feel like this- you have been a father to this girl and but are now learning the harsh reality of what it is to be a step-parent. You have to try to make that transition as best you can.
I'm sorry your partner does not seem to understand and maybe some counselling might help-you have the right to tell her how you feel but this will open you up to hurt if she disregards your feelings.
There is nothing logical in this situation- these relationships slap logic in the face and make unreasonable emotional wrecks of us all.
The anxiety is something we all recognise and is due to your feeling displaced. How you conquer this is to start being kind to yourself- stop seeing your role as being the provider for this girl (although I see you may be doing that indirectly for some time) I do think you do need to step back a little, really to protect youself from more emotional hurt.
Counselling, and seeking help for the anxiety would be a start- but also taking note of the advice you are given here as well because we have lived it.
I feel your SO could be a little more sensitive about this- you haven't mentioned the back story around her previous relationship but I sincerely hope you haven't been used.
You're not alone. That
You're not alone. That isolated feeling you're experiencing is normal, because you're being hit with the reality that on some level you're an outsider in this situation. For me, this is one of the hardest things about being a stepparent. It doesn't matter how much you love these kids, they will never ever truly be yours (unless you're in a situation that leads to adopting the skid, which is uncommon).
I think you've got a lot of great things going though. You've got support and authority from your partner to behave as a parent to your SD, which is huge in stepworld. I also think it's a good thing for SD that the dad has decided to come back into SD's life, provided he's sane & not toxic. It's possible this could end up being a positive situation for everyone involved.
As for your 'new' place in SD's life, you need to have a conversation with your partner about if/how things will change now that BD is around. You also need to make sure you're taking care of YOU, and doing things that you're comfortable with as her SF.
Don't let yourself believe your role is redundant now that the BD is back on the scene, you might not be the BD, but you are the SF, and there's a place for you at the table as well (provided the dynamic is a healthy one & there's no alienation happening on either sides).
I get where you're coming from, I really, really do. I wish all the time that my SS's were my own, they're lovely little boys & I feel very lucky to be their SM. At the same time, I'm very aware they've got two very involved & loving parents, and I'm not there to be their 'second mom'. I'm their SM, which, if you look at it the right way, is actually pretty great cause it means I get to do all the fun parts of parenting while leaving the bummy parts to their BP's! haha *biggrin*
Thanks for your support!
Thanks for your support! Sorry I didn't mention the history of my SO previous relationship, I didn't really think it was that relevant, but I have no concerns or worries about being used. It was only a few months long and her parents being religious made her keep the baby, they tried to make it work but he eventually left her while she was pregnant. Was involved in the baby's life for a month or so at the start but then focused on his new girlfriend and was never interested.
Me and my SO speak about how she feels and she isn't happy he's back in their life but he took her to court over visitation rights and won. Her view now is that her daughter does have a right to see her father and she just hopes he stays around and puts in the effort to build a proper relationship with her, she doesn't her daughter to grow up being let down and dissapointed when he diecides he doesn't want to show up and it gives us a couple of nights alone to do couples things.
I guess just adds to the confusion and where does that leave me and my role in all of this now? I guess it's just one of those things that time will only tell.
I've been the sort of surrogate dad for so long I'm not sure how to behave differently. I get up with her in the nights and let my SO sleep when she has nightmares. I feed, bathe, clothe and comfort her. Look after her when she's sick and put her before everything.
Do I just carry on as normal or do I take a step back and respect the baundries that I'm not her father and I shouldn't being doing a lot of these things.
I guess in my mind I shouldn't change that, and her BD will only assume those responsibilities when he's looking after her.
It does sound as if you could
It does sound as if you could make it work as long as boundaries are respected by all concerned. This little girl is still young and has only known you as her dad- if BD meets someone else, has a second family- which is not unusual, then he could disappear again-his track record isn't great. This leaves you back picking up the pieces- just a flavour of how complex these things are.
There are some worrying comments here though- you are the one who calms her at night, feeds, clothes her etc etc- more than her own parent does? Does she have bonding issues due to the nature of the pregnancy? Are you sure you're not a surrogate mom too? Putting her before everything is not your place- she has and always has had two parents, one of whom has chosen to come back into the child's life. I'm not saying you shouldn't care for this child but putting her before everything, including your SO, isn't healthy.
I suspect your role will always be, as it has been up to now, where you want it to be.