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Question....Overgenerous DH and spolied rotten SS14.

Atrium76's picture

I remember as a kid going through the Montgomery Ward catalog as soon as it came out and circling the things I wanted for Xmas. Now kids have "amazon wish lists". SS14 does NOT make a list for xmas or birthday ever. DH has a hard time finding SS gifts for xmas/birthday. The reason?? If SS14 wants something there is NO waiting till his birthday/xmas SS gets it NOW. SS has EVERYTHING a kid could want.

DH suffers from DDG AKA Divorced daddy guilt and BM who is rich can buy SS the best of the best. WE are not rich BUT DH feels he needs to help pay for certain "big ticket items" when BM asks or she will tell SS DH is cheap( BM will). Or when SS asks DH to buy him something DH feels since BM spends $$$ on SS DH needs to also. This does not help that SS14 is a rotten spoiled entitled brat who can only think of himself.

Here is my question...Would this bother you? It bothers me but don't know what I can say since DH is not asking me to help pay for anything?

I will tell you its not ANY of my money that goes into this BUT has effected our lifestyle. Meaning except for SS DH is a cheap penny pinching person. When we go out to dinner(rare) DH will order the cheapest thing on the menu and we have to use a coupon. Oh I always pay for my dinner too. Vacations are rare and only if we can get a good deal. I will buy DH little gifts for no reason BUT DH almost never does me. Valentines day SS14 gets the same gift as me.... Candy/card from DH. Easter SS14 gets a gift but nothing for me.

 

tog redux's picture

Yes, it would bother me. He's creating an entitled kid just make himself feel better, which is selfish parenting. Meanwhile, he pinches pennies and buys you nothing, which again - selfish.  I wouldn't buy him anything. 

 

Picardy III's picture

But you are paying for it. Money is fungible. Your DH is skimping on your "wants" that are IMO needs, i.e. couples vacations, date nights, and meaningful gifts, in order to cater to his son's wants.

And, a dad giving his teenage son Valentine's Day presents? Yuck.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with this...the money that goes to your relationship and your joint expenses is being infringed upon, so you are bearing the cost of your overgenerous DH. 

Picardy III's picture

Yeah, I think the only way a SP is *truly* unaffected financially by excessive spending on kids, is if the parent's spending comes entirely out of his agreed-upon discretionary spending budget (if joint finances), or after all joint expenses and savings plans are fully funded (if separate finances). And most people would have to be fairly well off for that to work.

Even then, if discretionary spending on kids means cuts in discretionary marital spending, SP is still getting shafted. 

Rags's picture

There is not one penny of expenditure on a Skid that does not impact the SParent in that home. Not.... one..... penny.

That said, I have never had any problem with SS having the benefit of 100% of our family income... after retirement investments are made.  He lived in the home, rode in the vehicles, ate the food, was clothed, shod, educated, entertained, nurtured, received medical care, etc, etc, etc.... through his access to the family income.  I was happy and proud to provide all of that for him... with the participation of his mom of course. At least after he started school and she went to work. Until then, she was a SAHM in our marriage.

I cringe a bit any time I read the perspective that a BioParent should be able to do what they want with their money when it comes to vectoring it to their failed family breeding results.  I was raised that a married couple are equity partners and any resources that enter the marriage are marrital resources.  My DW and I have lived this model in our 26+ year marriage.  Even to the point that CS just went into the family coffers.  Not that it had any relevance to our family income.  It was a pittance and never made any difference to our us.  It pretty much covered our half of SS's SpermLand visitation travel expenses.

Tessa LeAnn's picture

Sounds a lot like my situation in that my boyfriend has some serious divorced daddy guilt, which of course he won't admit to, and absolutely spoils his daughter, SD11, rotten with high ticket material items - none of them even "needs"in my opinion, only fun toys and wants. When we bought a house together and moved (which cost a ton of money, as I'm sure you can imagine, it had me tightening the belt significantly) he immediately went out and spent a couple thousand dollars on an all new bedroom furniture set, just for her. She didn't even need it! Her bedroom was already well furnished. I, otoh, was scouring craigslist and Facebook marketplace for items for our bedroom and rest of house. The girl also has a huge flatscreen TV, speaker system, 24 inch computer monitor, her own Xbox, and another game system, all to herself up in her bedroom. She's 11 for god's sake!  To be fair, he did offer to put a smaller TV in my son's room, but I vetoed that idea, saying no way do I want my kindergartner with a personal TV in his room!

She also had a pretty high-end bicycle that was pink. Last summer she decided she didn't like pink, and that her mom bought her a mountain bike... so what did daddy do? Ran out like his ass was on fire and bought her a brand new, $400 mountain bike. The totally usable pink one is still sitting in our garage untouched.

I remember having a discussion around stepdaughter's birthday last year with one of my best friends, who has vicariously become close with stepdaughter also. We were trying to figure out what to buy her. Both of us could not think of anything that that little girl didn't already have. Not joking.

it's quite a wonder she isn't already huge entitled brat, but she's about to be a preteen, and I fear all that will change.

But, to be fair, my boyfriend does spend well on me also, that is, on the rare occasion that we get to go out or on vacation. He doesn't skimp, but it is more like a year-round birthday party for stepdaughter, and we are lucky to get away for one week of vacation per year. And maybe one sort of date night every few months.

It bothers me a great deal. But until he will admit to the divorced daddy guilt, I know nothing is going to change. I know giftgiving is one of his love languages, but I also feel like we are going to be in for some very negative consequences in his daughter's behavior because of this. He doesn't understand that spoiling her is not a good thing. And he really should. He grew up relatively poor, sharing a bedroom until he was a teenager, all of that. You would think he would know better!

ESMOD's picture

if it were that he was just an overgenerous person.. I wouldn't be so upset.  But it seems that he is definitely putting his son's desires before his wife's.

Have you ever tried to "quantify" what he spends on his son vs you?  and point it out to him.

And.. he understands that parents don't have to buy their love.. and that material things do not make up for his physical presence?

I would also wonder if he is meeting joint goals like retirement etc.. or sabotaging that for the quick gratifications to his son now?

Atrium76's picture

If BM sends him a "bill" she expects DH to split with her for something SS wants I will tell DH you pay child support you don't need to split the cost. DH response will be if he says no BM will tell SS and make DH feel like a dead beat dad. Which is very true.

If SS asks for something SS does not take no for an answer. SS will keep making DH feel like crap till DH buys it for him. DH knows BM gets SS everything he wants so when SS asks for something at our house DH feels like he has to get it.

I've told DH how I feel about him spending so much money on SS and not on me. DH is in denial and does not feel he spends to much on SS. Again the kid NEVER wants anything for xmas/birthdays because he already has everything he wants.

DH retirement?? Nope DH is still paying off his attoney for the huge divorce battle BM caused.

 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

At 14 he is old enough for his dad to explain about money, spending and budgets.  Next time he wants something, it is a great opportunity for his dad to give him a priceless education on money management.

I rarely say this to OPs, but I would seriously consider whether I wanted to continue in this relationship if I were you unless your DH changes his attitude to spending.  Your resentment at having a parasite suck all your hard earned money way is going to grow over time.

Any chance your DH would be up for getting financial counselling for couples?

ESMOD's picture

At 14, he is also old enough to learn about the fact that his father already pays his mother child support.. on top of what he spends on him when he comes to his place.  That mom is supposed to be using that money to care for him and buy him things when he is at her house.  The problem will be is walking that back after so many years of her abuse of power.

I think that honestly, your only recourse is to basically become as "selfish" as he is with your own resources.

First, what is the bill breakdown in the home... relative to income and costs?  Since he has a child that is in the home and I'm sure has his own room who eats groceries.. uses extra utilitie.. he should be paying a larger share of that basic household expense.  Then once you figure out your smaller share.. just pay that amount.  Do not buy your husband treats.. when you splurge? splurge on yourself.  Valentine's day?  get him the exact mirror of what you know you will expect.   or start giving him lovely, heartfelt cards with no gifts....whatever he does for you? do for him.  I don't mean this in a petty, passive aggressive way.. I mean this in a "take care of your own needs way".  He is being miserly with you.. be kind to yourself.  Buy those cute earrings.. or that nice perfume you have been wanting.  Get your mani/pedi.  Get a massage.  

Don't overcompensate for his cheapness... and pay more for meals out so that he will go.  Instead... fill your need for dining out with a friend who will pay their own way and eat at those places where your DH is too cheap to go.  Bonus here is that lunch meals are often much more affordable anyway.

I do also think you and he need to have a serious thought to your financial future.  You both need to be looking forward to retirement and despite a big divorce bill.. that doesn't mean that retirement isn't going to come along.. and sometimes it comes sooner than we plan.  Go see someone that can help you both navigate this.. and help you each put together a budget plan that will help you get to your goals... then you can have a genuine bone to pick when he doesn't meet those mutual goals.. it is no longer that you are "whining about him spending money on his kid".. you are upset that he is not planning for your future together.

Rags's picture

DH needs to review the financial contributions he has made from the beginning and explain that he participates in every purchase BM makes for the Skid.   Accrued CS payments over time paints a very compelling picture for countering passing BS slathered on the Skid by the PASing parent.

"Ask your mom what she has spent your CS money on."  Is a very powerful tactic for countering the assertions of a toxic parent that the other parent is a deadbeat or "refusing" to buy XYZ & LMNOP for a kid.

MurphysLaw's picture

No, absolutely not.

 I couldn't stand to be treated this way.

I would grow too resentful.

He actually gifts his FOURTEEN YEAR OLD SON the SAME VALENTINES DAY GIFT?!?! Yeah, that's just....WEIRD!

 I would be looking towards MY future and planning to exit this bullshite, seriously...do you think your husband is just going to STOP handing over cash/high dollar items once the little prince becomes king? Jaysus your husband will have y'all eating canned cat food for dinner (and not even the good stuff-GENERIC!) while he's buying his son a Tesla or his first home!

Nah... I'd be outta there.

 

SeeYouNever's picture

I'm glad that my DH has gotten past this part of his guilty phase. He used to set aside hundreds of dollars for SD's Christmas and birthday presents and shopping sprees for her. After we got our own place he began to notice that everything he got her disappeared to vm's house never to be seen again. 

I remember one time in particular with it SD had refused to come visit our house but agreed that DH could have his visitation at a mall period so we hung out at a mall all day and at the end of the day when he dropped her off at bm's house he unloaded so many bags of clothes and junk that it was impossible for him to not realize how much he was spoiling her. BMs parents are rich and can out spend my husband at every turn. We are pretty well off but they are rich. My DH realized that as SD entered her tweens that she was becoming a spoiled little rich girl. She expected vacations, brand name clothes, stays at hotels, every course on the menu when we went to a restaurant.. etc... My husband got tired of it because of the lack of appreciation and the fact that she would disappear back into bm's house with all of her goodies and she wouldn't answer his phone for weeks. 

IamBackUW's picture

Do you have children? Do you want children of your own? If not, this is not worthwhile.

Your DuH is using you; you are not a priority.

shamds's picture

Husband - wifey sexy time/mini getaway!!!

yuck to valentines with your kids... that one creeps my hubby out completely and he just couldn't see why a parent wants to do a valentines thing with their kids... they aren't your life/sex partner...

op may think she isn't paying for ss wants except she is when partner is being cheap and potentially risking paying off bills and buying groceries to accomodate bs toys

its sad alot of parents now do not understand the concept of hand me downs.. i played legos as a girl because my parents bought that for my older brother. I was lucky once a year to get a nice toy but only on good behaviour and taking initiative to help out with chores without my parents asking.

this meant if mum was hanging the laundry then i helped too... and i came from a middle class family who didn't struggle financially but we were frugal with money...