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Am I wrong and just being bitter..Honesty please

NewStepmom79's picture

Now BM from day one has been a over the top controlling bitch. She wants to call all the shots regarding SS14 and if DH does not "back her" there is hell to pay. The ONLY time BM wants DH involved is when she can't get SS14 to do anything then BM expects DH to drop EVERYTHING and help her. 

Now that SS14 is 5'6 and 160 pounds of total spoiled rotten Entitled brat BM can hardly control him. SS14 has been skipping out of detention, refusing to meet with teachers for help and failing half of his classes. Since BM has coddled SS14 and let him get away with murder she can hardly control him now. BM expects DH to step in and basically fix this and DH feels he needs to for SS14 sake. Fix it not by Discipline but spending extra time with SS14(gag) trying to get him to Cooperate. Calling SS14 at night to go over his HW and having SS14 over more to work on HW with him. Now I'm all for Disciplining the little bastard but that just will never happen. What I see happening is DH Bribing SS14 with money to do his HW, calling SS14 every evening to "work on" HW and basically holding SS14 hand all the way. 

Now I feel this will just make SS14 even more Entitled and lazy than he already is. I feel DH should just tell the teachers SS14 is with BM during the week and there is little he can do since we only get him on the weekend. 

Honestly am I being just bitter as I'm ready to dig my heals in on this one


AgedOut's picture

I think you're just fed up with the situation, the controlling behaviors and the brattiness and to me that makes sense. I would be too. But Dad calling him and helping him nightly isn't a cross to die on. Address the bribery but the calls are not a bad thing. And this may be the step the kiddo needs. 


JRI's picture

I agree your SS sounds like a big annoying kid.  You're probably right that BM is losing control for whatever reason.  I dont see a problem with what DH is doing unless he starts the bribery. My OSS came to live with us full time around this age and I remember thinking, " He needs to be around dad more".

I'm hyper-vigilant about my DH going overboard with his kids, now just SD, it's a long story but we ended up separating finances because of him overdoing for her financially.  So, if I were you, I'd keep my eye on the finances to check for the bribery.  Good luck.

tog redux's picture

Well, this sounds very dysfunctional and I can see why you are tired of it.  I agree that he's enabling his son's poor behavior and BM's failure to parent. But let DH do what he wants to help his son and just set boundaries around things that affect you directly, like SS's behavior in your home - insist that DH manage that. And how joint money is spent, etc. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You're not being bitter. It's that you're enough of an outsider to see the cause and effect of the crazy, and recognize the futility of the circle jerk BM and BD are doing.

It's okay not to want to be splattered when the poo of other people's problems hits the fan. It's also okay to draw boundaries with your H regarding his son and to distance yourself from the feral poop show.

FWIW, most of these crappy parents (what IS my preoccupation with feces today??) lack the follow through to continue attempts to coax change out of their kids for very long. It would serve you well to disengage and focus on the long game, as this skid will likely fail to launch and instead become a star in the criminal firmament. Seeds need to be planted concerning him NEVER living with you and not allowing him to be a financial drain as an adult.

What's going on now is just prologue for the drama that's to come. Is it hard to watch to people ruin a kid? Absolutely. But that's not your monkey or your circus, and you've got hairier problems on the horizon as this skid will continue to wreak havoc as an adult. 

Over and over we see BMs boot their damaged baybees out of the house soon after cs ends. Guilty, weak daddees are thrilled to have their ruined darlings live with them, paying zero mind to the strain this places on the marriage. Start planning NOW so this isn't you. Discuss and put positive spin on how great retirement will be; Move far away or downsize so there's no spare room; tie up finances so your H doesn't have you hemorrhaging money; and start talking up how wonderful things will be when you're empty nesters - fun trips, sex in the kitchen, nude movie nights etc.

It's bad now, and I feel for you having to witness this nonsense, but in the overall timeline of step life, you've got much bigger fish to fry.

Rags's picture

While I recognize that what your DH is doing is the "right thing to do" for his son.  My vindictive SParent perspective is to leave this on BM to solve since she is the CP.

"He is fine on my time" would be a completely fun card to play with the BM in your life.  Engaging with the Skid's teachers to pu this on BM makes perfect sense if your DH would go in that direction.


As your are the mate of a prior failed family breeder, IMHO, there is nothing wrong with defending your time, marriage, and happiness from tyour SO's former partner's parental failures.

Kerrywho's picture

This is brillant Rags


This is BM's mess, she can clean it up herself. Your marriage and hard earned time off shouldn't be impeded on because of someone else's failures


Tell DH to proceed as usual, not to lift a finger more than what he normally would. Tbh, this is what's best for the kid and BM too. They both need to learn to lay in the bed they made. 

nappisan's picture

oh ive been in this situtation before and your correct in saying it will just cause the skid to be more lazy and dependant than ever.  thank fully i dont live with DH and skid anymore but i know DH still will still get up from the dinner table and get the skid (SS14) a drink if he asks, still makes the skids bed every morning and when the skid is at BM's , calls him every night before bed ,, the BM does it too,,, they treat him like a baby and thats how the skid acts now because he knows someone will just do it for him.  what 14yr old boy cant get his own clothes out in the morning ?  and DH will still pack his bag ready for sports etc.   All they are creating is a person that will not launch into adult hood properly , never hold down a job because they will sook at the first time things get hard.  I would seperate your financials if DH is starting to bride the skid for something he should be doing anyway ,,,like homework

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You gotta love the BMs that want to control everything and keep the kids from the dads while they are little and cute, collecting max CS i'm sure. Then when they are teens and the BM has created a monster she can't control, suddenly dad is needed.

I don't know what your DH is like, but maybe giving him enough rope to hang himself is the best route. Let him do the phone calls or whatever, because if you complain he may get upset and be resentful, or blame you if he doesn't get to spend as much time on SS as he wants, and will say it's your fault if SS doesn't improve. Either it will work and the little delinquent will turn his life around (win for you), or your DH will realize it's futile, feel like he tried, and will see things clearly after all the extra time spent with SS.

But i agree with the posters above who say that it's the future you need to worry about. You don't want the SS failing to launch and either living with you, draining your finances, or both.