probably a stupid question

Forums:

I know a lot of you are dealing with much worse things so my question may sound like it is nothing, but it is NOT nothing for me and I need some advice.

Briefly: I am 8 months pregnant, husband has a daughter who just turned 18. He raised her alone and his mother helped him. The daughter has some kind of undiagnosed social issues and delays. She is physically healthy, did a lot of special ed classes at school but in high school improved quite a bit and while she is taking very easy classes, those are regular level classes and she does okay. That is to sort of give you and idea. Her social skills are non-existent however, but she never had an official diagnoses of any sort as of why that might be. Different doctors assumed different things at different times, but there was never one opinion or a diagnosis.

Now the kids is spoiled rotten and because of the multiple issues that she had to go through when she was little and I assume because of the fact that her mom was never around, she has been and still is treated at a totally unable 5 year old. And it includes every little detail of every day life. No one does absolutely anything about the fact that she has absolutely no idea how to cook anything at all and if she tried to god forbid to figure it out on her own she would probably burn the house down so everyone is ok with her not doing it. No one ever asked her to help with anything around the house so she literally has no idea HOW to clean. All she can do is rinse her plate and put it in a skink. She doesn't know how many paper towels to use to clean a mirror or how much to spray, how to properly wash her clothes - nothing. Zero. She never makes any attempts on her own to learn anything nor is she ever encouraged or forced to. She doesn't know what a debit card is or how to use it. She doesn't drive nor does she want to. She has no desire to do anything or to learn anything (nor is she encouraged to). My husband has always been working when she was growing up so a lot of the parenting was on grandma who to this day treats her little baby granddaughter as if she is 5. The girl literally plays video games all day long in her room and only walk out to eat (and by that I mean she opens our fridge to see if i cooked anything and put it in there for her to eat. If not she will ask me if we have anything to eat or not). She never worked and will not any time soon. She still has one year of HS left.

Sorry it is taking me a long time but really the question is about todays situation. All of a sudden a get a txt message from her grandma saying that the girl needs pads and that her (the grandma) is coming over to bring some pads that her female relative left at her house (the leftovers) but that my husbands daughter will need more in a couple of days. I honestly was so confused and surprised to even receive this text that I never responded. On one hand it is not such a big deal, but on the other hand i feel like first of all she drove here past pharmacies and couldn't stop by one and get pads for her lovely little 18 year old baby? Second, I feel like somehow I am being made responsible for these things in a future and I refuse and don't want to be. Third, it irritates me to no end that the girl is unable to not bother her grandma about it and to come and either tell her dad that she needs to go to a pharmacy or to tell me. And lastly, I am not spending the little money that I make on buying pads for this 18 year old who just had a birthday and got money as a gift. I believe the girl needs to know that it is her responsibility to make sure she always has a supply of hygiene products. It is not he first time that she had her period and waiting till it starts and then texting someone making them drop all they are doing to come bring her stuff is just not okay in my opinion. It is also not okay that no one told her that. Her dad feels a bit awkward because it is women deal (as he put it) and he is afraid that may be his daughter is shy and doesn't want to ask him. Sigh. When her dad and I dated, he received texts from his mom saying that his daughter needs pads and twice he had to drop everything we were doing to go home and bring her stuff. I mean how ridiculous is that? May be i grew up in a different era but no one ever had to do anything like the for me. I made sure to let my mother know if i needed something OR i would buy it myself. I can may be understand feeling awkward saying something to dad, but she doesn't even need to say anything except "dad take me to the pharmacy" it is literally 2 miles away from our house and he can do that no problem. Oh did I mention that I don't have drivers license yet and i can't just drive her to the nearest pharmacy unless i want to get in trouble if the police stops me? And the grandma knows that too! Plus i am 8 months pregnant and honestly this is the last thing i was to be bothered with or be responsible for ever.

I really want to use this situation as a teachable moment. But how? What do I do? Any suggestions? I want the girl to never bother her grandma or NAYONE again and make people drop all they are doing to bring her pads. That is just unfair to everyone and immature on her part. What do I tell her? Do I call the cab and take her to the store and make her buy her own pads?

Sorry it was a long one. I have a hard time being brief

Have you considered getting

Have you considered getting your husband to purchase them monthly? It is a monthly occurrence. Or make it the young girls responsibility to put it on the grocery list? What an odd situation you deal with. This would bother me greatly as it tells me she won't launch. She will be a long term fixture which I couldn't accept.

My husband feels like its a

My husband feels like its a girl thing and clearly wants not to have to deal with it. Plus i feel like at 18 it should be the least of her own responsibilities. I just don't know how to tell her that and in a way that she would understand it once and forever

I don't have a license not by

I don't have a license not by choice. I came to the US as an international student and all my money went to tuition. I always lived on campus and biked everywhere i went. So it is not because I don't want to have them. Plus I finally got my first car recently (thanks to my husband's help) and I am learning and I do have a learners permit now, but with that someone has to drive with me. In my home country i never needed to drive because unlike in the US public transport is very well developed.

So yeah in her case she has no excuse. People drive since they are 16 in the USA and there is no public transportation in many places (including where we live). She doesn't want to drive. Everyone has to drive her around

So basically they have done

So basically they have done the opposite of what you should do- instead of fostering all chances at independence they have stripped her of the ability to work and think for herself. How sad that they could not love her well.

So what to do about it ? Well I wouldn't be okay with it and certainly not the idea of her being there permanently with nothing to do. I deffo wouldn't be for it. So they have failed to teach her- are you willing to teach her some basic things? After all you will be busy busy in about a months time and if you could teach her some simple things it would be a big help to you perhaps - I don't know how much you are willing to do and you have every right to say I won't do anything

That being said if you wanted to, next time she wants something to eat you could have her cook with you on a simple meal and make a big deal to the dad and the rest of the world about how well she did. If she could make four simple meals by time baby comes it would be a big help when you have baby to have someone be able to whip up somethings fast and easy for you and the rest of family.

However as I said you can totally decide not to engage in this circus if you want - you owe them nothing

I also agree that it seems like mother in law is trying to throw responsibility your way. So I suggest two things. Buy a pack of pads and leave them in a communal bathroom every month. Let everyone know they will be there in X press. Also pass message on to mother in law and dh as the previous poster suggested. If mother in law texts repeat this until she gets message

At the end of the day, you have to decide what is your limit. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing and what other people have in their lives or not. This upset you. This is a limit for you. You must this set a boundary and act on it. Decide how much you want to engage or disengage and stick to the boundaries you set.
At all times do what is best for you and your little baby to be!

If the 18yo can text and ask

:jawdrop: :O :?

If the 18yo can text and ask for feminine products she can manage the need for them herself, she can cook, she can clean, and she can do what she is told when she is told to do it.

Someone needs to grow up and be the adult in this situation since neither the 18yo, GrandMa, nor Daddy seem to have managed to progress past adolescence.

Smh

This makes me wanna puke. :sick:

Time for an adult to show her once... and only once... how to cook, clean, etc... then demand that she do these things for herself. She needs to be enrolled in a driving school and the next time she runs out of feminine products she can go get them for herself.

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

https://www.steptalk.org/node

https://www.steptalk.org/node/225583

From six months ago. Gives more details on the history of the SD. Just as a FYI. It's obvious this SD has some developmental disabilities. Why she was never referred to appropriate specialist and properly evaluated and diagnosed, is beyond me. Something to keep in mind. This isn't a 'normal' functioning young adult woman . Something isn't 'firing' correctly. Never has.

Why should 'periods' be up to

Why should 'periods' be up to Grandma? For that matter, why was this kid dumped on grandma all these years? Only to b*tch what should/shouldn't be now?

The 'best pediatrician in town' and a school board/school special ed department? You know perfectly well if BabyFace ever shows any sign of being delayed and/or something not quite 'right', you would move Heavens and Earth to find answers and you wouldn't stop at the local level nor would you dump baby on Grandma.

I'm not going to pretend to know what's up with this OP'S daughter, but I'm also not going to pretend I know what isn't wrong either. *shrugs*

The kid was 6-7yrs old before

The kid was 6-7yrs old before anyone, including Daddy, realized she couldn't hear.

Everyone, including

Everyone, including pediatrician, just thought she was delayed. Same with daycare teachers. They basically told the dad that she needed to be at home and not with other kids because there was simply no interaction, she never played with anyone, did not respond to teachers, did not speak etc. Her dad did what he could do actually considering he also had to work to provide for her. Grandma WILLINGLY retired early to help out with the kid, so the grandma has been around basically as a second parent.

I think grandma decided that now that I am a part of the family these things are my responsibility, but I don't think so. And yes I agree that both of them have failed her in teaching her basic life skills and while the dad actually recognizes it but is really too damn busy (and i don't mean it in a bad way coz he really is busy, but it just so happen to affect his kid) to deal with it nor does he want to upset his little girl, the grandma seems to not have any problems with the way things are and her attitude is to still treat her "tootsie" as if she is incapable little girl. I agree with those of you who said that there are obvious delayed and something is not filling BUT I also agree with those of you who say that she is WAY more capable than her grandmother (especially ) and her father think.

It upsets me that somehow it is okay when I cook and clean being 8 months pregnant while she is not expected to do a damn thing.

Just tell her that does't

Just tell her that does't work for you. You cannot control her convincing others to maintain this life pattern. Many people have a challenge individualizing into adulthood. This is an opportunity to make it a teachable moment by saying no. When you start to draw healthy boundaries yourself for her, perhaps others will get tired of becoming her "go to" and begin to see the example you set. So, do it lovingly...just tell her "you can't". No explanation. just honor yourself and say "no".

In this case, No. is a complete sentence...peace.

When her dad and I dated, he

When her dad and I dated, he received texts from his mom saying that his daughter needs pads and twice he had to drop everything we were doing to go home and bring her stuff. I mean how ridiculous is that?

It is so ridiculous that I would've questioned whether I wanted to continue the relationship, as I'm sure there were other signs, also?

Why has her dad not gotten her any help? He is doing her a great disservice.

Why don't you have a driver's license?

I responded about the license

I responded about the license above to someone else who had the same question.

Why her dad doesn't get her help i don't know. I think if she actually had a "label" someone would have done something about the label, but since there is no label no one is doing anything except just accepting that "well that is just how she is and we love her"

This is a sink or swim thing

This is a sink or swim thing and it is time for DH, Grandma, the OP and everyone else to pitch this entitled little shit in the deep end and let her figure it out.

End of issue.

It does sound like at the

It does sound like at the least this kid is on the low end of cognitively normal at best. (IOW, a rather dim bulb, altho still has a bit of glow).

As far as pads go, I'd just ask before my weekly (or however often) shopping trip. "Hey SD, do you need deodorant, pads, shampoo, etc?" I'd rather spend my $5 on a value pack of generic pads than have to deal with overbearing grandma and head-in-the sand dad. But that's just me. You're stuck with this one long term unless you plan to remove yourself from the situation, so I'd take the easy way out...save the real battles for something that's worth a battle.

Also...I know she's 18, and she got birthday money, but I wouldn't expect someone who is still dependent in my household to spend their birthday money on hygiene items unless they wanted some super-special expensive stuff. I can see expecting your DH to pay for them, but he may be one of those men who aren't progressive enough to actually make the purchase.

HE can make a purchase, but

HE can make a purchase, but he has no clue what kind she needs and so on. He has bought it before for her (and we both did together the 2 times we had to drop everything and go). He is not the shy type and he got me medicine for girl parts before, but I told him exactly what I needed. When it comes to his daughter tho, I don't know... coz she can't say what she needs, he has no clue. She probably feels awkward and so does he.
But there surely is a lot of issues with parenting here (on his end and on grandmas end) and Learned helplessness as someone said above is the real problem here.

Ok well based on you all's

Ok well based on you all's feedback I texted my MIL and said "hello! I passed this to her father since he is the parent. They got it covered. Thanks!" then i went ahead and asked the girl if she was going to be okay until her father wakes up and takes her to the pharmacy. And I told her to not bother grandma about it any more and that it was not okay to make her drop everything she is doing for this kind of stuff. I told the girl to tell her father or me that she needs to go to the pharmacy next time. And I also said that it happens every month and she needs to make sure she has enough of a supply. I received an "Okay" response from her although she has a puzzled look when I said not to bother her grandma any more.

Lets see what happens. Her dad will have to take her before work. He doesn't know hat yet. Usually he just wakes up and goes straight to work