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A perspective

Yellow glasses's picture

Just out of curiousity, any of the step parents in here have a living arangement in which the parents and step kids only interact outside of your home? 

But not because of bad behavior but because you decided with your partner is best? If so how did that scenario played out? Better, worse? 

justmakingthebest's picture

If this wasn't behavior related I can't see how this would work. 

It is one thing if this is for safety of the step parent, other kids in the house, etc- but because Skids don't like SM/SD or SM/SD doesn't like the kid in general... I just don't think as a parent I could accept not bringing my kids home. 

caninelover's picture

I'm disengaged from adult SD Bratty McBratFace SD24 but haven't banned her from our home.  I have told both her and SO that I won't be hosting any visits (which to me means inviting, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining the guests).  Bratty says she 'wont visit' under those terms but that's her choice.  I'm not her damn slave.

Of course she climbs down from her high horse if she wants to visit friends and freeload shelter.  But then gets back on that high horse again.  Weirdo.

CajunMom's picture

If there are no problems, why would this even happen? Do you have specifics? 

I've not seen DHs kids in 3+ years and they are not welcome in this home. I have lessened the boundaries and would be okay with his youngest visiting him here. While I plan to be civil and courteous, I do NOT want anything deep and will disappear into my studio for said visit. I also will NOT be doing anything to prep for said visit, if and when it happens. Dh needs to learn to host his kid.

Jcksjj's picture

I'm curious of your backstory now since we are headed in that same direction (SD being unwelcome) here.

CajunMom's picture

Twelve years of "taking" crap from adult SKs and two tweens (now all adults). I've been told things like: We are going out to eat and then a movie. You can meet us at the theater, if you'd like. (SD30+ when this was said). We come here to see our dad, not you. (SS in his 30's at time). The youngest SD (in her 20's accused me of emotional abuse. "Sorry, kid but that was your mom. Not me." I could go on and on. My only contact with DHs kids over those years was when they needed me for something or I was their "maid" when they visited here.

The final straw was at my husband's retirement party, a party I planned and 90% of the guests were my family and friends I brought to the marriage. His kids cannot stand to see DH in the spotlight. They feel they must rule or at least share in the glory. So, oldest son (38 yrs) decided to make a grand baby announcement at the retirement party during speeches. Completely ignored me to the point, even the boss's wife was shocked and looked at me, jaw dropped. Oldest SD notices and says, "It's for you, too!" while the "new dad" just looked at me with a cold stare. And that put me in the full disengagement. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. 



Yellow glasses's picture

Yes. Sounds weird but as a means to maintain the rel, and not have to deal with baggage inside your home.I did heard stories like that and seems to work for some.

Of course the parent is encouraged to have a rel with the kid/s but outside their current house.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Being completely honest, that's a really sh*tty thing to ask your partner to do. You're asking them to sacrifice part of their relationship with their kids (and I'm basing this off them being minors - adults are different) in order to have a fantastical relationship with you.

While folks still call it "visitation", spending time with each parent is, well, meant for parenting. You can't effectively parent from the park, movie theater, restaurant, beach, etc. That's less "parenting" and more "courting" kids to maintain their love and affection without actually providing them with the skills and tools they need to be productive members of society.

And THAT is the primary purpose of parenting. It's not to give kids fun times. That's the point of dating and having peer relationships. The kids have those, or will have those, in the future. What they NEED is a parent teaching them basic life skills like cooking and clean, modeling behavior, teaching conflict resolution, assisting in understanding and responding to emotions, etc. That happens in the home, not in public.

Be honest with yourself: you want a deep, loving, mutual connection with your partner. You want to learn how to build a future with them. That's why you want to move your relationship from a public sphere - where you both has to somewhat pretend - to a private sphere where you can't pretend 24/7. If you need that for your relationship, then you need to also understand that their kids need the same from their parent in order to learn how to be adults in the future.

If you don't want kids in your home, then have two homes. You won't have your partner all the time, but at least that gives them the room to parent as they NEED to while letting you have your space. The needs of the kids trump your want for a relationship free from baggage and drama. If you can't accept that, then being a stepparent isn't for you.

Yellow glasses's picture

I agree with you. But in some cases the parents dont parent anyway and they fuck up their personal lives too. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

And that's their choice. It's a bad choice, but one that they get to make.

You can't control other people. You can only choose what works best for you and your character. If your partner doesn't parent their children and that's why you don't want them living with you, and you're fine with having a partner who f**ks off as a parent, that's fine. You have to live with the consequences of that choice, which includes your feelings about your partner's parenting and what that says to you about them as a person.

You can't divorce your partner from who they are as a parent. Personally, I'd have to wonder how committed my SO would be to me long-term if they are willing to give up their kids for a relationship (and I say that barring PAS and other toxic behaviors that have poisoned the relationship between my SO and their kids).

Yellow glasses's picture

Honestly, having a disney dad aint a great deal at all. I cant control other people, but a lot of these single parents try to control you, with high expectations and unreasonable demands.

In theory, all should be according to your post but in reality a lot of it is not hence the number ofstep parents complaining in here. But don't get me wrong, I agree with you too.

GrudgingSM's picture

Our solution was for me to get my own place. When the skids aren't there we are together, but my mental health just couldn't take it. So I have my own quiet retreat for skid times two go to for work or rest or friends. I understand this is financially prohibitive for lots of people, but if you're in the position to be having a second place, that's why it's just a quiet place for me and my bio to go and smaller than the main house.

Yellow glasses's picture

Kinda same thing I guess. For mental health issues I wonder why not myself.

Should one be obligated if there are some other solutions? I guess it comes down to the parent having to sacrifice too much. And from a childless partner's perspective 

Ispofacto's picture

Killjoy17 did something heinous at age 12 that I couldn't get over so I booted her out of my house at 15 after hiding in my room for three years.  DH had to go with her because he has custody, but he's planning to move back here when she graduates.  I don't know what the future holds.  DH wouldn't force me to host her for holidays but it's his house too and I wonder how fair it would be for me to permaban her based on something she did at 12.  I mean, it didn't happen in isolation, it was part of a pattern of really disturbing pathology.  Dunno.  I'm stuggling with it and maybe I should start my own thread.

It's not like she could hurt anyone or he wouldn't stop her if she tried but I would be uncomfortable and it would be awkward and unpleasant, there's too much trauma.  Plus she's still enmeshed with Satan and they still discuss me, which is fukking psycho considering I haven't seen her for two years. 

Having privacy has been nice.  This is my safe place and my kids come here.  DH is always kind and loving to my kids and they have a real relationship.