PASing article which one does your SO's ex do?
Doesn’t inform you of upcoming school activities (especially unexpected ones)parental alienation is child abuse
Expresses no enthusiasm for fun events you’re doing with the child (vacations, amusement parks, etc)
Limits child’s cellphone and computer usage, so you’ll rarely get a call, text, or email
Refers to you by your first name in their home (Dad becomes “David;” Mom becomes “Julie”)
Accomplishes a post-visitation shakedown, extracting as much info as possible to find negatives
Hands the phone directly to the child when you call, avoiding even civil conversations with you
Pops anti-depressant pills (as many have a history of depression)
Able to hold resentment towards young, innocent children (ie, your children from another marriage)
Never calls you when the child is sick or taken out of school
Teaches the child adult things to tell you, such as “I don’t feel comfortable about the duration of our summer visitation, Dad”
Teaches the child how to despise or hate another human being
Labels themselves the “good” parent; labels you the “bad” parent
Tells the child false stories about their childhood
Tells the child in vivid detail how he or she was victimized by you (while taking no blame at all for the divorce)
Teaches the child how to lie to you (coating their little hearts with false malice and scorn)
Diminishes your extended family’s worth
Neglects to have the child call you for your birthday, on New Year’s Eve, or other important dates
Refuses to help the child reach and call/email/mail cards on relatives’ birthdays on your side of the family tree
Uses child’s cellphone as a leash
Rarely if ever a call to you on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day on behalf of child
Never gets the child excited about seeing you
Reminds the child of all that he or she will be missing while with you and away from them
Inflicts his or her unhappiness onto the child (as alienators are deeply unhappy people)
Attempts via a lawyer to reduce visitation to that even below family court minimum standards
Takes the child out of state without a peep, while demands precise details whenever you travel with them
Monopolizes the child’s time for hours on the phone (if you let them)
Views any event in the child’s life– a distant Aunt’s birthday, a friend’s birthday, etc– as more important than their time with you
Teaches the children from their current marriage to despise you
Informs children of alienator’s plans for them past 18 (you’ll go to college at X, and will stay here with me)
Is jealous of anything fun and memorable you do with the child (as they view the good times as a threat)
Gripes about things you’re doing as a parent to the child, but says nothing to you about it
Has outbursts around the child (extremely dramatic ones)
Lacks a filter, spilling any adult topic into the child’s head
This list comes from brainwashingchildren.com
Our BM does almost all of
Our BM does almost all of these that would apply to a kid under 10... she even told SD6 that she wanted to change her little brothers middle name because it is my SO's first name. She went as far to tell SD6 she does not like hearing that name in her house.
I will say my BM has gotten
I will say my BM has gotten somewhat better probably the top couple that I feel like she does though are:
-Has a poop symbol next to DH's name when he calls (not sure if it is still there but was for MONTHS, and even sent DH a picture of it when screening a text to send to him so we have proof)
-Tells many stories about when DH and her were together and will tell SS to ask DH about them in front of me saying we could never make those memories for him like her and DH should have been able to
-Alerts DH of last minute times of when we could get SS for extra time and then will tell SS that she doesn't know if DH will get him as he hadn't responded to her - even if she hadn't told us yet mind you I dealt with several canceled date nights and plans because she didn't want to give up her plans for SS and thinking she could make us look bad, when in reality we deal with SS crying because he is hurt his mom is pawning him off
-Takes anti-depressants and still cries in-front of SS if DH is "mean" to her and will tell him "DH was mean" over petty stuff
-Lets DH look like a fool emailing the teacher to see how SS was at school even if SS didn't go to school simply because she didn't want to get up, or SS was refusing which DH has now enforced a punishment against SS refusing to go to school regardless of the house and she tell SS that DH is just trying to be mean and coddles him (she got homeschooled after 3rd grade is 35 with no GED so doesn't value education)
These are a few not huge deal but noticeable ones that are continuous. I won't say I am the best about getting SS excited about BM but we try to not trash her and when he doesn't want to go back over bring up things like well don't you like to do x when you are there. We truly try.
wow, bm & stepdad does at
wow, bm & stepdad does at least 15 of these things. It's disgusting.
She brackets visitation with fun "their family" events. She calls or texts sd14 repeatedly. She has to know our travel plans to a tee. But we are the last to know what they are doing or going.
She changes holidays at her whim. SO has to take what he get's. He's never received a real card from sd14, she draws it on a pc of paper. He rarely get's a phone call on his bday, father's day or any holidays. He has to initiate the calls.
She has referred to SO's activities in the past as silly or weird to sd14. SD repeats things to us that no kid comes up with. When she was 12 she threw some story on my SO about how she was mad that he told her when she was 5 that he was her real dad, her birth father and why did he have to tell her that. Ok bm, can you keep your convos to yourself away from you kid!!!
Not once has sd14 considered me or any of the extended family. EVER!!! She takes the gifts and the money but she never reciprocates. Even though the kid has money in savings that she basically extorted from them to buy something she never bought but her grandma bought them all for a present. so the money just sat there.
he never get's calls about when she's missing school, but he'll get a text later that she's been to the doctor bc bm wants those bills repaid. no word on meetings, no word on grades except when they are really bad. no access to online site to see grades. no word on dance recitals or anything. we were all invited once a year ago but not since.
SO was invited to come to a church thing when sd went to camp for a mission trip this summer on a sunday evening. oh bm's hubby was out of town and she apparently needed a date. even though it messed up his entire schedule for the weekend he still went.
The pas'ing is disgusting to me but the fact that my SO allows it is even more sickening. Most of this is his fault for not having the balls to ever stand up to her or her stupidity.
oh we call and text all the
oh we call and text all the time, sd says she doesn't get it. but if we call about something fun she get's the message. she never responds to sd during the week except when it's something that sd wants. it's all about them. never about SO. ever.
I agree with you on this one
I agree with you on this one SO never answers BM's telephone calls and if he knows she is calling for SD he just hands the phone over... They also parent via email. SO has worked VERY hard to get BM to do this and no call him constantly!
I dont usually try to bring up BM but I dont like saying her name it makes me feel sick... so lol I guess I usually say your mom. I hear you there though and I dont think there is anything wrong with refering to her on a first name basis if you arent a bio parent.
My DH and BM mainly have
My DH and BM mainly have phone/text communication and he still just hands the phone to SS, if she needs to talk to DH she will ask SS to give him the phone. I see no problem with this. To me handing the phone directly to the child shows where the focus is.
I always say her, or your mom - I try not to bring up BM so SS will bring her up and I'll be like yea, cool. When talking to DH it's mainly her I can't stand saying her name or thinking about her.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between failing to express enthusiasm & expressing sadness or disapproval of a child interacting with the other parent. I don't believe it's a parents duty to express excitement. I DO believe it's a parents duty not to make a child feel guilty for expressing excitement.
I agree with this. I believe
I agree with this.
I believe PAS is a very real & very damaging thing for children. DH & I are still struggling to pull through & repair our relationships with his children (now 17 & 20) due to damage done by alienation.
PAS is a disorder. It's short for Parental Alienation Syndrome. Some children who experience alienation suffer from PAS. However, not all children who experience alienation experience it to the point of developing a disorder from it (PAS).
I think that the way it's thrown around on this site, people have picked up the term & started running with it. Alienation does not = PAS.
Also, PASing, PAS'd out, etc...those terms don't make any sense. Parental Alienation Syndroming, Parental Alienation Syndromed out? It's clear that for many, the only reading they've done on PAS is what they've read here. While there may very well be some alienation going on, I believe the majority of cases where people are claiming BM has "PAS'd" the skids, the skids aren't actually suffering from the disorder itself. A syndrome is not something that just anybody is qualified to determine. A child can suffer from alienation without suffering from the syndrome.
In fact, in many cases, there are practices of alienation from both parents. Sometimes parents say/do things that can be interpreted as alienating practice without realizing it.
There are people who question whether or not the syndrome is actually a syndrome. That's why it's often difficult to have it recognized in courts.
The idea that a parent takes anti-depressants or fails to express enough enthusiasm for fun events with the other parent, etc leads a child to develop PAS is ridiculous.
Nothing against OP. The incorrect usage of the various terms for PAS & alienation is rampant here.
I agree with much of the
I agree with much of the OP...
"PAS", whether syndrome, feelings of alienation, or random acts of alienation from one parent or another, intentional or otherwise- are a perfect storm of so many things.
It started insidiously when SD was 8, with one parent (BM) failing to ::express enough enthusiasm for fun events with the other parent:: it absolutely leads to more serious 'alienation'.
I think PAS when it comes to
I think PAS when it comes to school situations is a fine fine line. The parent should be capable of getting the information themselves, but then again like with what I am dealing with where BM won't help with homework I feel like we have to walk a line of not making it seem like to SS5 that BM is a bad mom because she isn't as invested as us even if I do think that makes her a crappy person.