You are here

Partner's six year old son ignores me

mothershipton's picture

I have been with my partner for two and half years. He left his wife and then almost four year old son for me.

I didn't meet his son until we were five months into the relatioship. He was four by that time.

At first he was 'ok' with me but has progressively got worse. He choses when to speak to me - when he brings him to our home ( one day a week) he rarely says hello or answers any questions eg: hi $$$ are you ok? He has his father wrapped around his little finger. He acts like a baby, my partner up until recently ( until I mentioned it) cut his food up for him, put his shoes on, basically did everything for him. He won't ( can't) use a knife and fork properly, makes more mess on the table eating than a two year old, fidgets constantly and rarely sits up. He spends most of the day watching tv ( to my annoyance) in the prone position, he even eats laying down. I have asked my partner not to allow this and to sit him at the table in future as he makes an awful mess and to be honest could choke. Whenever my partner approaches me his son is there wrapping himself around his legs.

He argues with his father and refuses to go out when my partner wants to take him anywhere. It is making my weekend hell. I work with children and have good relationships with children but he just pushes all the wrong buttons for me. He whinges and whines at the slightest thing. I have spoken to my partner about his behaviour and my partner has at last started to be more assertive with him.

I don't know if the child's mother is telling him awful things or whether it's his personality.

It's getting to the stage where I am dreading my weekend as my living room is taken over with his tv ect. I have a son ( 21) who lives here and he acts the same towards him. It's like he's lacking in communication skills and manners. Rant over.....

seeingitfrombothsides's picture

First, I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in now.

I would imagine his mom is talking about you and making the situation worse. I don't think there I any way to get past that other than time. As far as the behavior, if he is delayed, is there a medical or physical reason for the delay? I would suggest finding a developmental therapist to work with him and DH. That way the force driving him acting developmentally appropriate I not directly you. It takes a lot of the stress off of all the relationships if you (the "outsider") is not pushing for the change.

In my first marriage I was often the outsider and it really hindered our family relationships. GL

mothershipton's picture

I agree my partner is to blame for allowing this behaviour. He knows how to control his father and get what he wants. I have told my partner that I want him to eat at the dining table from now on and he has started to be more disciplined with him. It will take time as these behaviours are ingrained. The child is sneaky and plays on my partner's weaknesses BUT he is being more asseertive with him and I hope there will be some improvement. The alternative is that my partner moves out and gets his own place then they can please theirselves what they do.

mothershipton's picture

Thank you for your kind words.

I hope my 'nagging' at my partner has paid off. He is far too soft with him. He is now challenging his behaviour more but there's still lots of work to be done. I feel like an orge but I know if I didn't say anything the situation would get worse ....and did. It's early days yet but I do hope we can all get on eventually.

Thank you

Oi Vey's picture

You possibly have the child's mother putting you down for being the "reason" his parents are no longer together. I personally don't think "happy stepfamilies" are born out of affairs.
Also, cutting up food at 6 depends on a few things...whether he's been taught, what he's cutting, etc.
Finally, what the kid does during the day (not sitting straight, watching too much tv, etc.) just LET IT GO. Life is too damn short to get your panties in a bunch over that kind of stuff!
And why is your 21 yr old still living with his mommy???

seeingitfrombothsides's picture

I agree with this...

I see another failed marriage, or a lot of miserable people in this family's future. Sad So sad when someone decides they need a backup plan before exiting a marriage. I would never want to be a backup plan, but I think some people like the challenge of "winning" another person's spouse. Their prize usually becomes their Albatross.

mothershipton's picture

I am not and never have been a back - up plan. I don't agree with your statement about 'winning' another person's spouse, that's ridiculous. My husband left me for another woman and I'm not bitter at all. That's life.

mothershipton's picture

Firstly my son lives with me as he has just returned from University and is saving for a home of his own.

I refer to your cutting up the food. My partner does it because he still sees him as the baby ( 3 year old) he left behind.

As for the slouching around watching tv....I don't agree with kids having a tv as babysitter. He is the laziest kid I have ever come across, he is permanantly horizontal.

I just want us to get along, I am not his step mother and never will be. He just doesn't want to interact with me or my son. For the record he is like this with other people too.

Auteur's picture

OH yeah, I remember those days. GG (biodad I live with) would practically catapult himself across the table to cut up VD's (SD stb 13 then 6) food. He would coddle and baby them in the mistaken impression that doing everything FOR a child was good fathering.

This will be a very hard habit to break. I almost went totally bonkers after 3 1/2 years of watching GG baby and coddle his children.

The youngest in particular was whiney, clingy and of course being taught by the Behemoth (biomom) to hate me and disrespect daddykins. He did EVERYTHING for attention from his dad whether good or (MOSTLY) bad attention.

Ok here's the list:
(more than one? RUN!)

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

mothershipton's picture

To answer to your points: He doesn't have his son to stay...we don't have a room for him so the sleeping situation doesn't exist. The child does act in baby ways as it gains him attention. The father cowtows to him, and he rarely says no...although he is getting better as I have pointed out this failing. His son has told him that his mother has told him he can do what he wants and doesn't have to do what his father says ( probably me too)

Unhappy's picture

I can completely idenify with you. My SO's BS(4) almost five won't ackowledge the fact that I even exist at all unless he can't find his daddy. Or daddy isn't around and he needs something. It happens everyday every other week. I'll ask him a question like, how was your day" when I walk in the door from work and he either ignores me completely or looks at me and then walks away.

I know that BM has nothing to do with this. It's SO. This kid is SO's favorite. SO denies it but it's obvious on many levels. This kid clings to him constantly. If SO is sitting down in living room who do you think is suction cupped to his hip? You guessed it. And don't forget the bedtime routine. SO's BD(6) gets a hug and maybe a couple of minutes and when it's time to say goodnight to his son it's wrestle mania time where the two of them have a blast and all you hear coming from his son's bedroom is happy times.

I have voiced my concern to SO many times which of course is met by hostility. No one says anything about the golden child. I can't tell you why the kid in your life ignores you but I can tell you why my SO's son ignores me. He has ablsolutely no respeact for me what so ever. In his eyes how the hierarchy in the house hold works is a.) SO, BS(6), maybe me, and then his sister and my BD(6) or b.) SO's BS, SO, maybe me, and then his sister and my BD. The reason why he thinks like this is because of SO and nobody else. He is the apple of SO's eye. And don't even get me started on table manners. My BD can't manage to eat and not get food on her chair which pisses SO off. SO's son is noghtmare at the dinner table, eats with his fingers no matter how many times you tell him to use a fork, sits on the arms of the chairs instead of the chair itself, has the random out bursts where he swings his arms around making loud obnoxious nioses at the table. SO just smiles and thinks it's funny. SO also thinks that it's cute when he stops by the daycare when it's not his week to visit the kids and two daycare teachers have to restrain his son (at almost 5) because he can't stand to be away from SO.

I'm sorry I'm so negative. I'm not having the best day ever.

mothershipton's picture

I can sympathise. I am not the big bad wolf. I have good relationships with kids, my families kids, I work with kids.

He too suctions himself to his father and constantly shouts his name if he leaves the room. I see him once a week from 9-7 and that's enough for me. I have tried my upmost to be caring and kind but it fails so now I just don't bother.