Over, but I feel miserable
I wrote somewhere else earlier that It is over for me. He had been waiting for my decisions for months and for the life of me I couldn't make up my mind. I had mixed feelings about the steps, but I love him and like the kids at this point. At the same time, I could see redflags with the kids in future. He wanted me become a mother figure for the kids and pretty much be like a superwoman who has to work outside full time, take care of the kids in the best of manners and of course be a good wife (which won't be difficult coz i love him), but taking care of the kids as my own scared me knowing that his kids are moody and need loads of attention. Now that it is over, I feel extremely guilty and miss him and even the kids. I don't know if I did the right or wrong decision, but this love will take some time to suppress :(. The reason why I am feeling so selfish is that things were actually good, but I left because I was scared for the future and I didn't want to waste his time any further. I really didn't get to see some of those dramas in real to at least feel somewhat at peace right now. I feel stupid 
You made a hard decision many
You made a hard decision many of us wish we had made when we faced the same.
Take good care~there are good things to come for you!
I agree with this. As much as
I agree with this.
As much as my skids drive me nuts, and my OH panders to them all. I love him, and we are great together, the rest we are working on.
Sometimes it is horrible and I want to leave, but when it comes down to it I stay, I can't bring myself to end it as I know that what he and I have is good and special (yeah yeah, we all say that LOL) but love - real love - doesn't happen that often, and if the relationship and commitment to each other is strong enough you CAN get through the other shitty stuff and come out of it at the other end a happy, strong couple.
I would talk to him too, tell him your fears etc, and see what he says. If you don't feel you can be a mother can he live with that? Where is their real mother anyway? As his partner you shouldn't have to be a mother, you take on as much of that role as YOU are comfortable with - so tell him that. What you feel you want YOUR role to be with his kids.
I know you have ended it, and that was a really hard decision to make, but you don't sound convinced. I am not jaded enough yet to tell you you made the right choice, and to run for the hills etc.
Seems as though you followed
Seems as though you followed your instincts - and that will turn out to be the right thing for you. Take good care of yourself.
You feel miserable because
You feel miserable because you're grieving for your lost dreams. It's only natural. But like all lost dreams you'll recover from the loss and move on.
In the long run you did the right thing. Did you move in with him? Find a guy without children and don't shack up. Statistics show that shacking up actually increases the odds of a divorce.
Remember don't step.
Thanks, you sound like my mom
Thanks, you sound like my mom who used to tell me why don't you marry so and so instead. Anyways, no I didn't shack and I don't do that until engagement. I will move in once i get engaged with a guy but not before that--my plan.
You were scared for the
You were scared for the future for a reason, there are horror stories on here about step parents with grown skids, don't second guess yourself, of course you feel sad, when a relationship ends, we grieve for what it could have been, your ex was asking a lot from you, I've taken care of two skids and had a full time job, phew its no easy task, it is also frightening taking on someones else kids, when a relationship ends, we tend to remember the good times, remember those alarm bells that were ringing in your head, you ended things for a reason.
I left almost 8 months ago
I left almost 8 months ago and for very valid reasons that he was aware of . Prior to leaving I gave him a year to work on these without telling him and completely disengaged to give him the necessary time to do what he is supposed to do without me being physically there or interfering. I did not even call or text or anything . Did not even mention their names at all.Just focused on me. Turned out that my disengagement made him resentful towards me and he read it as me not caring. At the end of the day after a year he did not change a single thing about what I asked him to do accused me of being not caring and controlling the situation with his children!? Go figure!
I walked away so that he can focus on them and do what he thinks is right by them and find a woman that will be a housewife and a mother figure. He wanted someone that will suck it up and take the back seat as a second priority. I just could not be that woman.I want a family , husband and family happy life. I am not a drama person but was dragged into negativity and regret it. Lesson learned!
As much as everyone does not like OCC`s advice I think he is spot on by saying that finding a man without children and drama from ex wives or BMs is the better solution.
I think feeling guilt and shame are normal things in such situations where we find ourselves lost. However, if these men can trap us in such unhappy situations by valuing their happiness more than ours who is actually the selfish one here?
In my case he locked himself in the bedroom and did not want to talk or discuss anything for days. I was not given any choice but to leave. It was an agonizing month back and forth and at the end of it all he said that nothing will change and it will be the way it is.Oh and to add insult to the injury he told me he does not love me and does not feel it in his heart. Well, he also said he does not want to be mean or cruel but this is how he feels. I said that I love him in my heart and soul and quietly left.
This too shall pass for you. Make sure you learn the lessons and admirations and congratulations for foreseeing the red flags and the troubles ahead of time. It took me 3 1/2 years to gather the courage to leave. Actually I moved to a different continent and I am starting a completely different career path and life . Stay strong and save yourself the agony of back and forth calling and the drama and negativity. Focus on you and your healing process!
Hey I just wanted to say that
Hey I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you went through the break up even though you put a lot efforts and investment in your relationship. Moving to a different continent must be exciting and wow at the different career path, you are brave! Good for you. I hope you meet your handsome Mr. right soon :). Life is all struggle and full of challenges. I was listening to few TED talks and some of them were extremely inspirational. I just started this book called Change your brain change your life. and I also bought another called Power. I can't wait to read both.
I know that this is easier
I know that this is easier said than done, however, only you know what you can tolerate and you gave it your best with really no improvement. My own personal observation with childless women getting involved with a man that does have children goes like this: In the beginning it is seemingly easier to accept that he has children short term, however once the kids start coming over more, you start to develop stronger feelings as a couple, you take on a part-time parental role, child support leaves the family and other expenses. Resentment starts to build. Where as childless men dating or marrying women with children, are weary in the beginning, but the skids become more tolerable over time. Not sure why, but I think females haha, I know im like this, are threatened by someone elses dna. I am a single mother and I know that I had a hard time with guys accepting me, but my ex got girls like there was no tomorrow haha. Currently, im dating someone with kids,(it may seem unconventional to some) and I said I never would date someone with kids(my own reasons, I wouldnt trust why the relationship ended)Today thats a different story. However, its different for us. But yes, I would agree that you should find someone who you dont have to share dna with. Youve already experienced this once and it wasnt the best experience. Its better to leave now, then to get stuck for another couple of years and become more attached to someone. Once this happens, its harder to let go and the blame and guilt takes a while to get over. I think you did the right thing and in time I hope you experience this. You never know what the future will hold and maybe you will find someone more suitable for you that may?(have kids and is more understanding). As cliche as it is, my mom told me something and its always resonated with me. (Find someone who loves you more then you love them,).It sounds bad, but its so true, you need to be adored.
Good luck with your life and hope you find happiness in the future!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies. I read them first thing today morning, but had to get ready for the day so couldn't respond right away. I really appreciate you all giving me courage to be strong. It really helps.
I am still feeling as though my heart is aching and all I want to do is stay in my room and cry. I think part of the reason I couldn't say yes was my mom being against the relationship from day one. She told me horror stories of women as step moms. My aunt actually married someone with kids and she also always told me her stories. She said on the night of her wedding, her step daughter (who was a teenager back then) threw a bag of dirt towards her as she and her husband was entering their house. Of course that was an extreme case and this was 30 years ago, but she kept discouraging me from this relationship every time I saw her.
Some of you suggested about talking to him about the rules of the house etc. I did try to talk to him about his expectations from me after marriage. He never gave an answer. He would be oh that we will see once we are married and see how things go....It is useless to talk about it before marriage, but I do know that he wanted someone to take care of the kids, of the house and also wanted me to continue working. He has full custody of the kids. The kids are supposed to see their mom every other weekend, but there have been times when they don't see BM for 3+ months. The relationship between him and BM is very hostile. They are on each other's throats. He doesn't talk to her and currently they are going to court because there was some sort of disagreement between them. Kids miss their mom of course and the divorce has been difficult on them. They are moody and scared that SM won't be nice to them (she actually told me that). I also want kids of my own in the near future and he said the most he could do would be one more kid and that also not anytime soon. That being said, he adored me with all his heart. He is a great father to his kids. His life revolves around them, but he loved me too. I remember the way he used to look at me with so much love. He would involuntarily smile. I guess he just wanted me to compromise which is ok to some extent, but I was scared that his children might resent me despite all the compromise from my side. I remember one time he bought me something and I realized that his daughter kept looking at the gift and she had this victim look on her face. If we were eating and he offered something to me I would notice she would have this victim or disappointed look on her face. She was very attentive to grown-ups issues. She was the jealous type may I say. She was really scared that I was taking over I feel. We were still in the early lovey dovey stage so I kept thinking that it might only get worse going forward.... or not, only time could tell that. I wish there was a way we could look into future and see what is in store for us.
You should prioritize
You should prioritize yourself and what you want in your life. If you feel that you want to be a mother and a wife and start a family you should make that priority and start a family with a man that is ready to give you his attention, adoration and love and is ready to start a family with you.That means focusing on your heart and finding all the love and nurturing within yourself so that you can direct it towards your dream. Do not settle!
Your ex obviously already has set his priorities straight- he is looking for someone to substitute his ex - wife and take care of his children, nurture them and care for the.Nothing wrong with this- he is just looking for himself and what his dream family is and should be. He is not ready to give you a child in the near future and probably as time passes by he will be less willing to do that. He is prioritizing himself and his family and court issues. How is that part of your life path and what you want to happen in your life?
My ex was also unwilling to give me a child and would only agree to one sometime in the future when he felt that he was financially ready for it.Which means that our child together and his/her needs will come second to his first children. Was I willing to subject my children to this? Obviously not. Is it fair that my future children will have to go without and have a part time dad- no this is not what I want and not part of my dream family. Should I settle just because this is the messy situation that my ex has found himself in when he was young and did not think much - no . I was careful , went to school and did not spread my legs when others did. I sacrificed a lot to be where I am at. I deserve better for myself and any children that I will be bringing into this world.
That said I made sure to support my ex when he needed me - helped him get into graduate school . I was there for him emotionally , psychologically and physically whenever he needed me and made sure that he will have a settled job after he graduates. I made sure that he will be able to provide for his children. In his mind that did not translate as me caring for his children and their future. Obviously it was not enough for him and he is currently in the process of getting back with an ex that he worked in a factory with that he dated six years prior to meeting me.Go figure! And that ex is married now and has a 15 year old son from a previous marriage. People make choices and decisions based on what is their priority at a certain time in their life.
Prioritize yourself and your happiness- what gives you joy and happiness!Do not get sucked back into negativity and drama. Cut all ties now and move on with your life and be happy - do not stay alone in your room and cry. Go out and rejoice in life!
Yes, exactly priority is the
Yes, exactly priority is the key. I think I don't know exactly what I want. I love him, but I also want my own kids and no regrets later :(. I used to sometimes visit my aunt's house as a kid and sometimes they would fight in front of us and I used to always wonder in my head why my aunt married his husband with kids, little did i knew about all the complications and love back then. Now I know :(.
Wish you best of luck dear. It is great you stood by him in his time of needs. As for him, he didn't need any thing else except a wife.
You should prioritize
You should prioritize yourself and what you want in your life. If you feel that you want to be a mother and a wife and start a family you should make that priority and start a family with a man that is ready to give you his attention, adoration and love and is ready to start a family with you.That means focusing on your heart and finding all the love and nurturing within yourself so that you can direct it towards your dream. Do not settle!
Your ex obviously already has set his priorities straight- he is looking for someone to substitute his ex - wife and take care of his children, nurture them and care for the.Nothing wrong with this- he is just looking for himself and what his dream family is and should be. He is not ready to give you a child in the near future and probably as time passes by he will be less willing to do that. He is prioritizing himself and his family and court issues. How is that part of your life path and what you want to happen in your life?
My ex was also unwilling to give me a child and would only agree to one sometime in the future when he felt that he was financially ready for it.Which means that our child together and his/her needs will come second to his first children. Was I willing to subject my children to this? Obviously not. Is it fair that my future children will have to go without and have a part time dad- no this is not what I want and not part of my dream family. Should I settle just because this is the messy situation that my ex has found himself in when he was young and did not think much - no . I was careful , went to school and did not spread my legs when others did. I sacrificed a lot to be where I am at. I deserve better for myself and any children that I will be bringing into this world.
That said I made sure to support my ex when he needed me - helped him get into graduate school . I was there for him emotionally , psychologically and physically whenever he needed me and made sure that he will have a settled job after he graduates. I made sure that he will be able to provide for his children. In his mind that did not translate as me caring for his children and their future. Obviously it was not enough for him and he is currently in the process of getting back with an ex that he worked in a factory with that he dated six years prior to meeting me.Go figure! And that ex is married now and has a 15 year old son from a previous marriage. People make choices and decisions based on what is their priority at a certain time in their life.
Prioritize yourself and your happiness- what gives you joy and happiness!Do not get sucked back into negativity and drama. Cut all ties now and move on with your life and be happy - do not stay alone in your room and cry. Go out and rejoice in life!
You should prioritize
You should prioritize yourself and what you want in your life. If you feel that you want to be a mother and a wife and start a family you should make that priority and start a family with a man that is ready to give you his attention, adoration and love and is ready to start a family with you.That means focusing on your heart and finding all the love and nurturing within yourself so that you can direct it towards your dream. Do not settle!
Your ex obviously already has set his priorities straight- he is looking for someone to substitute his ex - wife and take care of his children, nurture them and care for the.Nothing wrong with this- he is just looking for himself and what his dream family is and should be. He is not ready to give you a child in the near future and probably as time passes by he will be less willing to do that. He is prioritizing himself and his family and court issues. How is that part of your life path and what you want to happen in your life?
My ex was also unwilling to give me a child and would only agree to one sometime in the future when he felt that he was financially ready for it.Which means that our child together and his/her needs will come second to his first children. Was I willing to subject my children to this? Obviously not. Is it fair that my future children will have to go without and have a part time dad- no this is not what I want and not part of my dream family. Should I settle just because this is the messy situation that my ex has found himself in when he was young and did not think much - no . I was careful , went to school and did not spread my legs when others did. I sacrificed a lot to be where I am at. I deserve better for myself and any children that I will be bringing into this world.
That said I made sure to support my ex when he needed me - helped him get into graduate school . I was there for him emotionally , psychologically and physically whenever he needed me and made sure that he will have a settled job after he graduates. I made sure that he will be able to provide for his children. In his mind that did not translate as me caring for his children and their future. Obviously it was not enough for him and he is currently in the process of getting back with an ex that he worked in a factory with that he dated six years prior to meeting me.Go figure! And that ex is married now and has a 15 year old son from a previous marriage. People make choices and decisions based on what is their priority at a certain time in their life.
Prioritize yourself and your happiness- what gives you joy and happiness!Do not get sucked back into negativity and drama. Cut all ties now and move on with your life and be happy - do not stay alone in your room and cry. Go out and rejoice in life!
Thanks everyone else again
Thanks everyone else again for you comments. I have reread them few times now.
Thanks feelinglost. I think
Thanks feelinglost. I think at the core we are all good and loving human beings we just allow our ego to prevail and fail to see that love is all around us in many shapes and forms.
I donot think you are lost - I think you clearly know that you want family and children as you stated in your comment.That is not lost - that is what you want in your life at this stage in your personal development and that is a good thing . That means that you are responsibly thinking of starting a family. As to this guy - he was not a fit and there is nothing wrong with it. It will be wrong if you stayed and married somebody that is not a fit and brought children that would have as a consequence suffered in the relationship.
As to my ex he liked the factory girl because she would just be quiet and will never verbalize to him anything. She will just sit quiet for hours in the car and would not say anything. She also had similar issues to mine but was too scared to talk to him about it and will allow him to treat her badly. Now she is married and my ex is in the process of getting her back - funny thing is life and people.Now that is one lost very lost man:)
Please, nurture yourself and love yourself - focus on the flowers, the trees , the grass , your family and your friends and eventually you will attract what you project in the world. Do not settle and stay in negativity . You are worth it and deserve to be happy and if your ex or my ex want to sacrifice their lives and stay in their little mental boxes where there is no place for love - this is not our problem or issue to solve. We deserve to be respected and loved and once you have given it all and been through it all and you are still treated badly you have no choice but to walk away with love for all involved and blessing for what you learned. That is to recognize toxic people and situations early on and move to the other side of the road once you see them.
Live life, go to the beach,go to the park , smell the flowers or the sea and smile at the world and be happy with yourself.You dodged a bullet and something great is awaiting right at the corner and will present itself to you once you are ready to embrace it:)