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Oh god.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

1. Fights ended for the most part, returning to some kind of normalcy in the home.

2. Things start to calm back down.

3. BOOM. Wife's pregnant again. While on a strict regimen of birth control.

4. Her Aunt and Parents call and shame me and her that we're "outnumbering" their precious grand-daughter with "my"(ours) children. I tell them that they can take her if they're so appauled that we're having another (even if it's unplanned).

5. Wife fights with me for being angry with her parents.


FML. Irish twins. RIP free time/sanity. My 10 month old already still doesn't sleep through the night.

ESMOD's picture

So.. is your wife still kicked out per your last post?  Does her pregnancy change things for you?  Honestly... I might proceed as you were.. and just work through custody arrangments.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

No, a couple weeks ago she came back, after agreeing to a bunch of therapy for herself/marriage counseling.

Pregnancy this soon after a near-divorce is kinda like smacked by a truck though.

lieutenant_dad's picture

"Strict birth control regimen" and an accidental pregnancy so soon after getting back together AND her family is tearing you a new one?

I don't think that "regimen" was as strict as you think it was. You got played.

lieutenant_dad's picture

She doesn't WANT to leave. She wants your money, time, attention, d**k, etc.

She was without you, saw the grass wasn't greener, came back, threw another shackle on you to keep you with her, and will revert back to her old ways soon enough because she thinks she sufficiently trapped you.

You don't fix the level of disfunction your wife displayed in a matter of weeks, or even months. She's still the same psychotic mess she was before she left, and she'll go back to it soon enough but blame her pregnancy for it.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I gotcha. I thought you were hitting the child support/control angle.

If she did do it on purpose, she made our lives significantly harder. There won't be vacations for quite some time due to crazyyy daycare bills that are going to be rolling in the the tone of 1600 a month.

beebeel's picture

Do you think she cares if life will be harder for you? She doesn't care how hard life is for her ex. And when you do finally get the smarts to leave her for good, you will be treated exactly how she treats him. You will be the "deadbeat loser" and the facts won't matter.

beebeel's picture

P.s. why did she throw out the 5 year plan? Because she knows she can't keep up the "changed woman" act for that long.

susanm's picture

What daycare?  You think she is going back to work????  LOLOLOL

lieutenant_dad's picture

Not wrong. When daycare is $1600/mo, it would make sense for her not to work in her own brain. Then OP is stuck working two jobs, so when a new toy comes along willing to take her and the kids away, she'll have a VERY good case to give you minimal visitation.

futurobrillante99's picture

If she divorces you after the birth of child #2, there is a good chance she'll collect enough child support from all 3 kids to live as a single parent.

ESMOD's picture

I don't know.. apparently my OSD has gotten pregnant twice while on BCP.. and she "swears" she has been taking them correctly.  I'm not entirely convinced.  She came up with some theory from her doctor that due to migraines is why her BCP isn't working right.

I don't see that as even medically possible unless it is that she is throwing up while having migraines.. therefore not taking in the correct dose of meds.

My secret thought is that she is either.

1.  being lazy about taking the pills/getting refills because she is too broke/tight to pay for them..

2.  She is doing something idiotic like only taking them on the days she is having relations

3.  She is intentionally missing doses to try to get pregnant.. which would be equally stupid since her DH is an Ahole who is tied to his family's apron strings.. drinks too much and kicks her out of the house.

IDK.. I can see lightning striking once.. but 2x? that seems over the top.

Iamwoman's picture

This happened to my DH with his exW.

It happens. She tricked you into having more kids with her.

Of course, whenever I've brought this up, I get the response that "men can't be tricked into having kids, he made his choice too, blah blah blah."

I'm glad to see you're receiving confirmation and support in this matter here. You should be able to trust your spouse when they say they're on birth control. Nobody should have unwanted children forced upon them and no child should ever be created and brought into existence to serve as a pawn or tool of manipulation.

ldvilen's picture

Not saying this is what happened at all, because I have nothing to go by, other than familiarity what some women will do in desperate situations, but if she was on a strict regimen of birth control, did she go off of it on purpose?  Even nowadays some women feel the way to try to keep a man is through pregnancy.  And, do you have any reason to believe that this baby may not be yours?  However, that might be irrelevant, anyway, because since you are married still, legally the baby would be yours and hers.

Aren't the precious grandchildren your wife has with you just as precious as the grandchildren your wife had with her ex-?  I can see where you now feel you've been kinda smacked by a truck!!  I can't really advice you what to do in this situation, because I fully well know when it comes to step-situations, you have to do what your gut tells you.  All I can advise is to try to proceed with caution and a clear head.  And, best of luck to you!  Don't know if you want to see what the counselor has to say or ___?  But, I'd avoid the inlaws as much as possible, no matter what wife may say.  


juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Yeah, I don't really get it all myself.

I think they coddle the stepkid since her Dad was a loser, and they basically raised her themselves. (Wife lived with her parents until she was about 29).

I don't see why that's an excuse to do what they do. -They take the stepkid on the weekend for outings, etc, but have only seen the 10 month old as many times as I can count on my hands.

As for the intentional birth control thing, our plan was to wait 5 years before having another because now daycare is going to be more costly than the mortgage.

beebeel's picture

You fell for THAT?!? She totally stopped taking her BC, dude. She realized her grip on you was loosening, so she did what her kind does: she got another hook into you. She uses her first child as a weapon and a possession. She probably already uses your baby in this manner. And she will use this pregnancy the same way.

You should have stayed away from her. She isn't ever going to change and now she will have another weapon to add to her arsenal. Dumb.

P.s. you won't have Irish twins as they won't be born in the same year. They will be at least 20 months apart.

ldvilen's picture

These types of situations are always so hard, because she’ll come out of it smelling like a rose because she is pregnant and a bio-mother.  She could have gone off of her birth control and slept with every man at the local bar in an attempt to get pregnant and have another shackle (as someone said) to slap on you.

BUT, you know who is going to be the bad one in this situation?  It is going to be you and you alone.  Yet, at the very core is an infant who is 100% innocent and in need of a mom and dad.  And that sweet, innocent baby is going to be the one who is, more than likely, going to pay the highest price for this fiasco, a fiasco that mom may have put into play in an attempt to keep you.  Nonetheless, she’ll be seen as a saint and you’ll be seen as an a$$.  And, that is why even so-called independent women continue to use this ploy to this day—it works so well, and they’ll be able to continually use the child as a weapon not only against dad, but the court system, etc. and win time after time after time.  And, they’ll ever be seen as the saint, by their children, every and all.  Dad, on the other hand, will be seen as a deadbeat, by every and all.  I don’t envy any man in this situation.

MissDenise's picture

My doctor told me pregancies on the pill happen because women skip days, take it incorrectly, or stop taking it. Either way birth control is equally the man's responsibility imo. Especially if the marriage hasn't been all that great. After having a few kids OP should have gotten snipped. I would be running to the clinic at this point. I know guys in their 50's who won't ever be able to retire because of kids and divorce. I'm sure the wife crunched the number, and knew life without DH would be a lot tougher. Still he can't really blame her as it's both their responsibility. OP should have been using a condom, I don't believe in that pass for men....but clearly she took advantage. Now both need to stay in the marriage for the poor kids. As for daycare I think I'd find a home daycare that would be much cheaper. 

Gimlet's picture

With a woman/marriage like this, condoms are a must.  I'm sorry for your troubles.

Aniki's picture

With a woman like that, ABSTINENCE would be better. Nooky when you're considering divorce is, obviously, disasterous.

Siemprematahari's picture

Goodness reading the part that she is pregnant stessed me and I'm not even in the situation Shok

I hope for your sake that this wasn't her way of trying to trap you further. Hopefully she keeps her word, gets counseling, and that things improve for you all with the new baby on the way.


bananaseedo's picture

"And, do you have any reason to believe that this baby may not be yours?  However, that might be irrelevant, anyway, because since you are married still, legally the baby would be yours and hers."

Actually, if he has a dna done and refuses to sign the birth certificate until he has the results, it can change things depending on the state.  Not all states obligate a husband to be dad if kid isn't his.  I would insist on one given you two were seperated for a while.


Missdenise: "My doctor told me pregancies on the pill happen because women skip days, take it incorrectly, or stop taking it. Either way birth control is equally the man's responsibility imo."

Your Dr advised you wrong, there IS a failure rate for the BC pill...some are such low dose that even taking it an hour later the next day can throw your cycle off....pregnancies do occur even taking it perfectly.   And's JUST as much the man's responsbility too....especially given their circumstances HE should have been a LOT more careful and used a condom.


juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I had my and the child's cheek swabbed for the first baby, I don't know why the second would be different. The hospital/wife didn't make a big deal out of it the first time, I don't think they would this time either.

MissDenise's picture

My Gyn. was correct it's 99%...IF take correctly. OP doesn't need anymore kids after this, time to get the Vasectomy. I ran into a old aquaintaince and was shocked to find out she was divorced. He cheated on her and got the woman pregnant. It worked because his wife threw him out, and he is now with the AP. At 50 years old and his other 3 kids are college age. It's a mess, but I'll never understand why men refuse to use their own birth control or get snipped.

Evil3's picture

I went back and read your previous blogs to refresh my memory. I hate to say it, but I was raised by a mother with BPD. I know very well what BPD is and under the definition in the DSM, is a picture of your wife. I'm so sorry but you're in for a horrible time and so are your kids. I knew when I was five that there was something really bloody wrong with my mother and after watching her meltdown on a bus and seeing the way everyone looked at me, I knew I was in for one hell of a ride.

I have no doubts whatsoever that your wife's pregnancy was no accident. Also, she won't get better. She'll "behave" and go for anger management or whatever else you ask because she'll put on a show to sucker you into staying, but there will be no change at all and things will go back to crazyland.

I feel sooooooooooooooooooo sorry for your DD and your baby on the way. GET THEM AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE ANY WAY YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 54 and still going through therapy to try to undo all the damage I went through. I don't know if you ever saw the movie Mommie Dearest or read the book, but Christina Crawford said "being raised by a borderline mother is an unspeakable tragedy." Those words are soooooooooooooooooooooo true and really resonated with me. Make no mistake your wife is a borderline.

Start going to secret counselling on your own. That's not to say that you are nutso cracko, but rather that for some reason, you became attracted to and married a woman with BPD. Doing your own personal work is the greatest gift you can give to your kids. Don't say you can't afford it or that your wife will see money disappearing from your account. You can't afford not to get counselling. Start with that. Your own healing will help shield your children and you'll arm them with better self esteem and coping skills. You'll become stronger and better able to take your kids and escape that ding-dong.

Don't ever have sex with that creature without wrapping your weiner or you'll have a third kid to really trap you. I know I sound jaded, but I didn't just come in on a load of turnips. Listen to the posters here. We've all been there, done that and bought the t-shirt for it, so we see exactly the kind of woman your wife is. You are in for a really rough ride.

Go here: You'll at least feel not so alone and you'll recognize your wife. Forwarned is forearmed. You'll be better prepared for when your wife ramps it up when you leave. You are not resigned to stay. You can start working on your departure. Just because your wife is pregnant doesn't mean she wouldn't be declared a "high risk pregnancy" by CPS. At least that's what can happen in Canada.

Good luck, Buddy! Hugs!!! Keep us posted and come here for support.

2nd wives club's picture

shrink4men is entertaining but they unfairly portray BPD as a "female" mental disorder, which is not true at all. Many men have BPD too, but it's commonly misdiagnosed as "anger management" issues, etc.

MissJulsie's picture

Yes but in this case, who cares who has BPD or not. The fact is, the wife is very violent, which makes OP a victim of domestic abuse. And the stepkid is also shaping up to be volatile, and a danger to OP's baby. OP is INSANE to get back together with this woman, and I reckon he's gone all quiet, because he's embarrassed, as he knows it's true. 

tog redux's picture

Yep, I called her as Borderline a while ago. This is the oldest trick in the book - the "yes, I'm on birth control, don't worry - OOPSIES!" trick.  It's her way to keep you on the hook and have one more hostage to use in negotiations.

Sorry - you should have stayed apart when you had the chance, this is going to be rough. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Oh, she'll go back to work. It's one of the only things she really takes pride in. She has a cool job for the federal government where she makes a pile of money, it's all she really talks about when speaking with other people. There's not too much worry on that front, paired with the fact that I couldn't pay our mortgage on a teachers salary, and the equity we have in our new home is very low. It'd put us both back 20grand, and she's the one with money in the bank (from living with her parents for the majority of her adult life).

I really think her job will be the glue. She's gone Mon-Fri 6am-7pm, and I'm the guy who picks up/takes care of the kids after work. (Teaching schedules are actually really nice, I'm actually in between classes right now.) She grew up in the "upper class", so I don't really see her as becoming a welfare queen. $1600 is a little under 1/4th of our current income after taxes, so it's really not worth quitting work over. If it does though, I won't say that somebody didn't tell me so.

Evil3's picture

Those of us responding are not talking about her wife keeping you on the hook financially. We're talking about how your wife has trapped you from leaving her. Borderlines are super paranoid about being abandoned. They will stop at nothing to prevent people from leaving them.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

My friend got pregnant with her fifth child after she had a sterilisation operation. They panicked at first, but they ended up with a very cute little girl and very glad she is here. 

SteppedOut's picture

I also had a tubal ligation and got pregnant. 

ALL forms of birth control are subject to failure, except abstinence. 

That being said, OP's wife sounds like she has the crazy. 

MissJulsie's picture

Just letting you know that I was probably one of your biggest supporters. I had such high hopes for you. As you are a victim of domestic violence, I couldn't wait for the day when you would leave your wife for good. Now that you've gone back to her, not only have you spat all our support back in our faces, but you have betrayed the world wide community of victims of domestic violence. How can we raise awareness when people like you won't make changes for good ?