Not really sure what to do....
Hi everyone, I recently discovered this website by searching Google for some answers. So here's my situation. I'm a 32 year old father of a 9 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. These two kids are my everything. I was with my wife for 14 years and last May I discovered that she had been cheating on me for 5 years of our 10 year marriage. I was completely devastated to say the least because I genuinely loved her and my family. This was not the first time I caught her cheating as I also caught her back in 2007. I forgave her then, we renewed out vows and proceeded to have our son. At this point, life was good (I thought it was) and we were actively involved in our church, teaching children in our church and being involved in other ministries. So needless to say, I was shocked when I learned of her secret life. So after a failed counseling session and zero attempts of her wanting to make things work I decided divorce was the only option. Okay, fast-forward to October 2011. I meet a girl and she has two little girls, one is 2 years old and the other is 3 years old. My girlfriend and her two girls moved in to my house a couple months ago because at the time it felt right. Now I'm not so sure. I've tried and tried to "like" these kids, but there just isn't anything there for me. I find them to be bratty little kids that are obnoxious. Now I understand that I'll never love kids like I do my biological kids, but I get to the point where I just want to get in my truck and leave until they go to bed. I have shared parenting with my ex so my kids are with me about 50% of the time. I get a very strong feeling that my girlfriend has similar feelings toward my kids because when my kids are home she offers to take her girls places so that I can spend "alone time" with my kids. Now I'm noticing that there are several things that I'm not agreeing to and that I don't like about my girlfriend so I'm seriously considering ending this whole thing. As I mentioned, her kids are bratty as can be. My girlfriend can't make them mind either and one thing that really bothers me is the fact that she smacks them in the face when they don't listen, which is all the time. Some other things that bother me is she works retail so she works odd hours which results in me watching her kids all the time. I'm in college full time and am very career driven and she is not, which really bothers me. I'm adventurous and like doing things outside and she'd rather sit on the couch and watch TV. So why have I stayed with her? Well, she treats me good most of the time and shows me love that my wife never did...
Is it normal to have feelings like this? Will I ever love again like I loved my wife? Will I ever get used to her kids and genuinely love them? I know this post is extremely scattered, but I'm trying to explain it all and keep it short at the same time. Thanks for any advice guys...
I think you guys are spot on.
I think you guys are spot on. I never "healed" from the hurt of my ex. I was apart from her just a couple of weeks when I started dating. About a month after I separated from my wife, I was involved in a 9 week relationship where I wasn't happy. Right at the end of that, I started to relationship with my current girlfriend. So I've never had that alone time to really recover and focus on myself. As I sit her typing this, my girlfriend is practically beating her 2 year old because she WILL NOT listen to anything. I think you guys are right, I need me time.
Maybe you should follow up
Maybe you should follow up with a call to child protective services? She has serious issues.
Consider this also. You now have a HUGE RELATIONSHIP ADVANTAGE!!! When (not if) you find Miss Right, you will be able to remember your feelings toward these two little girls. Your expectations of a Step mother will be realistic and honest and doable. You would be doing your girls a favor by dating first for a long time, introducing them to gf only after you're certain she's not abusive or a serial killer }:) , and by all means don't move her in your home!!! In other words, take it slower. You may date women for a long time but it's nothing more than physical. You may date someone for a long time and the physical never really hit's the charts for you. It takes a long long time to figure out if someone is the one. But it does happen. I was married for a very long time. Got divorced. And proceeded, after ten years of being single, to find my absolute soul mate. It happens. And btw, if you don't jive spiritually, don't waste your time. AS a matter of fact, that's the best place to start looking for the next Miss Right. Church.
"AS a matter of fact, that's
"AS a matter of fact, that's the best place to start looking for the next Miss Right. Church."
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best place to meet someone is wherever your "soulmate" runs into you. I thought I was doing the right thing when I married my "Super Christian" whom I met at church, and ya know what? Turns out he'd had a porn addiction since college and had a past that made me want to vomit. AND his past was not just the past, it was still in the present and he did some really shitty things.
My current bf, who I do not live with, but have dated for a year, I met....ONLINE. I know just about everything about him and he is WAY more awesome a person than I could ever imagine meeting. Don't ever believe that people at church are somehow better or more trustworthy. I feel just the opposite. And I'm a Christian!
I agree with not moving in. Ever. Or at least until the kids are out of the house. You will always have issues with other people's kids. ALWAYS.
Is definitely give an call to
Is definitely give an call to cps...... A two yr old should never recieve anything close to what could be refered to as a "beating".
Then give her a deadline to have her stuff in order and out of your life. You could be held just as responsible for allowing child abuse in your home/presence.
Well let me clarify what I
Well let me clarify what I meant. She was whipping her because she wasn't listening. It was by no means child abuse because I'd NEVER let that happen under my roof. I've talked to her about smacking them in their face or "spanking their mouths" as she calls it and told her it won't happen with me around again. However, I know what needs to be done and I'm going to figure out a way to end this. It's crazy, she's talking marriage and picking out dresses when I'm wanting out of the relationship. I don't want to hurt her, but enough is enough and I only think the issues I have with her kids as well as her are only going to get worse. I'm not going to allow myself to be sucked into this and if I stayed I would most definitely be settling. Thanks again guys!
Well, maybe I am more
Well, maybe I am more "new-agey" than I thought, but I would concider "whipping" a 2 year old abuse as well. I'm am not against corperal punishment, but 2 is extremely young for anything other than a swat or two to the behind with a hand.
I know everyone has different opinions on this matter, and maybe what I am picturing is nothing like what is occuring,but I truly worry for those kids. If what she's doing is something you wouldnt/couldnt do in the middle of a crowded store, then she shouldn't be doing it behind closed doors.
If there is any doubt in your mind as to whether she is going to far, call cps. It is anononous, and if there's nothing there they will just close the case. At the very least it will be a wake up call to not let things excalate. If someone (even my Dh) was to ever slap my 2 year old in the face, I'd be in jail.... Because i would kill them. 2 years old is essentially a baby.
I'll agree with the others
I'll agree with the others and also say that "blending" families, as they call it, is one of the most difficult and heartbreaking challenges a parent will ever face - and that's WITH a compatible partner! If you try to do that with someone that has such an opposing view and style of parenting, seems just a recipe for disaster; never mind the other differences you mention.
Also: never get hung up on loving someone as you loved your ex-wife. In my experience, every love is unique, and often none will feel as powerful as the first; certainly none will feel the same. Especially as you get older and understand that you can care for yourself, that you don't necessarily NEED someone else to validate you, love becomes a very different and in some ways much more special thing.
Something is wrong with that
Something is wrong with that women. Why would a mom move her kids into a home with a man she has only known for 2 months?? Who the hell slaps a 2 and 3 year old?? Toss her ass out and please call CPS.