No rule followed...what to do
Background: SD12 has reactive attachment disorder. Her mom abandoned her. She does not follow a single household rule...not one. She can't even handle "no drinks in your bedroom" (after she got caught throwing plates and cups away because it was too much work to take them to the sink). This child is really horrible. She goes through my stuff and BD4's stuff and takes what she pleases then stashes it in her room. I found cigarettes in her room earlier this week. My BS2 has asthma, but I don't think she has been smoking at home because I am semi-allergic and would smell it.
Anyways, this child sabotages every family outing, she is constantly ungrateful and disrespectful. She cannot be left with my bios without supervision (she used to hurt them and will say mean things to them). She is toxic to my marriage, she is toxic to our family and she is toxic to my bios. We are trying a new method of parenting (therapeutic parenting), but so far it is proving ineffective. I give a chore for bad behavior, she refuses to do it, so I give another chore. Her dad convinced her to do some chores, but she is still so far behind she will never catch up so it won't work...it's almost as ineffective as being grounded for a year. So I have lost all hope that anything will help. We can't afford a treatment center long term, the free centers won't take her because she is too severe. She sneaks out of the house, ran away once.
If this was one of my sisters living with us that refused to follow house-hold rules, I would kick them out. So why should this child be any different? I feel we don't have many options. We can't afford to pay a foster family, DH's family would only make her worse (but would get her away from us). We are moving into a very nice house, and I don't want to have to install locks everywhere to keep her out. She also spray painted a wall black...certainly don't want her doing that in my new house.
There should be more help for families like ours. I feel hopeless.
So what do you do when a child refuses to follow rules and nothing you do changes the situation? Do you find somewhere else for them to live? Or continue letting the toxic child damage your entire family?
Our SD10 started like that
Our SD10 started like that and after one therapy session she flipped 180. Try it.
This child has had a ton of
This child has had a ton of therapy...she had an acute intensive stay in a mental hospital. If only therapy would help! These kids are not easy to change.
Your SD sounds like my SS.
Your SD sounds like my SS. He refused to follow any rule or do anything he was told. He’s now back living with his BM, after she had dumped him on us. My SS has started yelling and screaming at my 3 year old daughter and there was no way we would allow him to live with us.
I can’t offer any advice just sympathy. I really don’t know what to do in these cases. My SS refused to do anything he was told. He acted oblivious to everything and ignored us. It didn’t matter what it was. You could ask him to please get in the car so we could all go to Disneyland and he wouldn’t do it.
All these suggestions about punishments on here like writing lines or holding up green bean cans sound good in theory, but I couldn’t get SS to do anything. If I told him to go write lines, he’d glare at me and walk away.
It sounds crazy, but I’d trade the totally oblivious kid for one who at least reacts to being punished. SS ended up with nothing - no tv, no video games, no phone and he didn’t care. We offered brain-dead easy ways for him to earn “tech minutes” like all he needed to do was like brush his teeth and we’d let him play a video game for 5 minutes. Nope. He sat in his room doing nothing. You couldn’t motivate him to do anything.
You can’t live like this. A family can’t function when there’s a kid there that no one likes, that can’t get along and causes nothing but problems. My husband couldn’t even stand being around him. I was completely disengaged. SS responded so badly to his dad that he had no parenting or no real emotional support.
We got to the point where we knew things were not working out with him there, he wasn’t going to get any better and he had to leave. His BM is homeless and him living with her isn’t ideal, but I wasn’t going to let him stay with us when he escalated and started going into fits of rage.
SS didn’t want to be part of our family, didn’t fit in and was harming our other children. You have to make the decision on what’s best for them. I know his mom is in a bad situation but at least she can stand to be around him.
I would suggest finding some where else that your SD can live.
My sd is also a rad kid. Look
My sd is also a rad kid. Look up Nancy Thomas. She has been working with these kids for 25 years. Also PM me if you want advice on what to do to get complaince. We have gone from 2 hour fits to 5 mins. There is options. Some of the ways will make you feel bad, but will get complaince. When the child wants something from you is when you have the power. Your hungry?? I would love you make you lunch as soon as you finish what I asked of you. I only had to do that ONE weekend.
Oh god, rad = reactive
Oh god, rad = reactive attachment disorder. I saw your heading and thought, "Dude, my sd is totally rad! How gnarly is that?" Sorry, I'm a child of the '80s. A bitchin' one, though.
Lol!! Your awesome!!! Sike!!
Lol!! Your awesome!!! Sike!! <3 kidding
That's it, we're watching
That's it, we're watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High tomorrow night!
I was describing some
I was describing some interactions I have had with SS9 to a friend who is a psychologist, PhD, and she said some of his actions sound more like they are an attachment disorder than hardwired like autism spectrum. She has said we need to get him evaluated. We just had his first therapy appointment and it seemed ok but I have an aversion to SS now. I feel like every time he says something it is not genuine but more manipulative. I can't imagine having a child worse than what SS is now. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are amazing to do it.