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New sm stressed out!!

dmrm33's picture

I have been a single mom for 11 yrs of 3 teenage children,but in march my 2ss moved in with us. ss3 has blended in beautifully, but ss6 has been a struggle. They had lived out of state for for 16 months with their bm. It has been so challenging and overwhelming.SS3 hadn't even began potty training and ss6 would only eat fish sticks & junk food.They both ran wild getting into everything & destroying almost everything they got their hands on. My dh admitted their bm let them run wild & they were outta control.. that was why she sent them to him.
I never considered myself a strict parent with my bc's,but now that I am implementing the same rules & punishments I used with my bc's, my ss's make me feel like I am a tyrant.
My ss3 still isn't fully potty trained & will occasionally destroy things, but overall he is doing fantastic. There is genuine love & affection from him. Unfortunately the ss6 is stressing me out majorly. Every meal is a fight.. crying & whining & refusing to eat.The only new things he will eat are breaded meats and grilled cheese. Anytime you correct him, or tell him he cant do anything he will immediately let out a shriek & start whining or crying. He is rude & disrespectful to everyone if they aren't giving him his way.He steals things from others in the house. My dh is supportive & also implements the same rules.He is as frustrated as I am with ss6 and often apologizes for the struggles ss6 has caused. I love all 5 of our kids and want them all to feel loved & appreciated. Things aren't perfect but everyone truly gets along really well( except for ss6) Now I fear ss6 is developing an eating disorder! I am racking my brain trying to find a way to make things better. Their bm is of no help. They talk to her on skyp once every 4-6 weeks. I know they miss her & that is part of the issue. But i don't know of anyone else who has these type of problems with a sc.
HELP!! I am looking for impartial advice & input. Is this normal? Am I taking the wrong approach?

ThatGirl's picture

I never considered myself a strict parent with my bc's,but now that I am implementing the same rules & punishments I used with my bc's, my ss's make me feel like I am a tyrant.

I've said this same thing so many times. My sons are 21 and 24, and were in college out on their own before SO and I moved in together. His four were 11-20 at the time. My sons would never dream of doing the things his kids have done. Sometimes I feel so guilty, that I'm expecting too much and that I must have been a horrible tyrant to my own sons so that they wouldn't have dared to do this stuff. I asked them about it one day and they said absolutely not. In fact, they thanked me for caring enough to teach them the things that most of their friends' parents were too lazy to do. They even said that they feel sorry for the skids because they never received the same kind of parenting.

jadedprincess's picture

try a therapist maybe that would get to the root of the problem and help with the disrespectful behavior and the possible eating disorder.

dmrm33's picture

We actually talked about a therapist the other day. My husband says his ex's teenage son was much the same way & it was a constant battle in their marriage. He feels ss6 has learned it from his older brother.The disrespect, stealing etc. regardless I dont want to spend the next 12 yrs trying to cope with the situation.

Jsmom's picture

I was accused of being too strict when we got married. I wasn't, I just had expectations of my child that DH and BM didn't have of theirs. Stay firm and eventually it all starts to work. They see that you aren't going to bend and eventually give up. SS had the worst eating habits, now he eats whatever I put in front of him and eats breakfast. It was a continual battle but, it did work, I just never faultered on what my expectations were on eating. As for parenting, I left it all to DH and he stepped up with him after it was apparent that he had to. Now the kid is doing great, but he is a work in progress and it is working...

sterlingsilver's picture

I was a lot stricter on my own kids too and they never thought I was and ss18 struggles with our rules b/c bm didn't put the time into training him from childhood on. When I met SO ss14 who was just 12 at the time was still wetting his bed and not flushing or taking dishes to sink, etc and we slowly taught him all that. When ss18 moved in last spring he was so out of control with not having had any rules all his life and is still difficult but getting better.
Oh, so I wanted to tell you that I had a neighbor once for a few years who had a son who was like your ss6. Whining all the time, only ate chick nuggets, mac n cheese and pizza. When he came over to our house he'd eat other foods just fine, but with mom he was spoilt rotten and she catered to his every whine. One day she quit catering and provided dinners like everyone else. He lost a bit of weight but slowly started catching on that he was not going to get his way and his behaviors started settling down. He is now 14 yrs old and a very nice teen boys who is respectful, in sports and very smart in school. So there is hope Smile
Hope that helps Wink