New at this mothers day still stings
So I walked into a bit of a situation. I moved in with my boyfriend and suddenly found myself the mother of three children ages 3-7. Real mom has skitsofrenia is not super active in their life, though she actively tries to siphon money off of him. He is a nice guy with a big heart but is incredibly passive and overwhelmed. When I first got here the behavior problems were severe. Biting, hitting, screaming at the door for demands, meltdowns that could last for hours, no listening to adults, crayon markings all over the wall, exct. Within two months those behaviors have been halved to nonexistent. It took alot of work. My problem is I lost a lot of respect for my partner in the process.
Before I was very sympathetic to his predicament, a newly divorced man with a crazy, verbally abusive ex-wife. Now I feel like telling him to get down off his cross. Sounds harsh, but my priorities immediately went to the kids. The house was filthy and they were allowed to run wild in it. Basic things like hygiene, skills like bike riding swimming reading, were overlooked. The tv was being used as a pacifier, which they screamed for continually. I understand he is suffering, but the separation was a year ago and you forfeited the right to wallow when you had kids. My thought was continually how did you allow it to get this bad? So I stepped up, basically became the man of the house and things are better. But it is hard to look at him the same way. Is that evil?
To top it off all that work and I got snubbed on mothers day. We had made a date and last minute he decided the kids needed to see their real mom as well. I have no problem with that, but planning is necessary. Predictably he was too late to make our dinner reservation. He was shocked that I was so upset. Then he called his brother for sympathy who in turn yelled at him then contacted me asking if I was all right. lol. He tried making up for it with flowers and gifts, but the damage was done. I just had the most concrete reminder in the world that it doesn't matter what I do, I will never be their real mom. As my ex told me, "I am afraid that one day you will wake up feeling like an accessory in someone else's story." How do I move beyond this? He is sorry and his very considerate, but extremely passive. I feel like the kids aunt not their mom, which is fine they need someone and I want the best for them. But I thought ide feel like mom for some reason. Any advice is appreciated.
You're not mom. You will
You're not mom. You will never be their mom. She may have mental issues, may be in and out of their lives but the reality is that's a familial tie that's near impossible to break.
You say your boyfriend is a nice guy. But I'm not sure how he is a nice guy who let his kids live in filth. And then he allowed you to shoulder the burden of cleaning up the kids' act.
sigh and alas. I never wanted
sigh and alas. I never wanted to "break" that tie, its legitimate. I just wish I had a more appreciated role in this story. The kids like me I can tell, the little girl inparticular. I'm welcomed into this unit, even with all the discipline. But I don't think they will run out of their seats for me the same way they do for mom.
You mentioned your BF is
You mentioned your BF is still suffering, is he not over his divorce/relationship with his ex? If he's not over her yet, I'd be wary of allowing this relationship to progress any further than it has, he needs to get his priorities straight.
You need to pull back & let him parent his kids. Continuing to do everything the way you have been is going to lead to resentment on your end, your BF needs to learn to be a better father to his children.
It's not harsh to say he needs to get off his cross or that you've lost respect for him, in your position it'd be more shocking not to feel that way! He's so depressed he can't take care of his kids? Lets them run around screaming, hitting, destroying the place & bad hygiene? What a turn off!! He mght have the biggest heart in the world, but he is FAILING his children.
Look... I've been a
Look... I've been a stepmom for 9 years. You have to accept that you are not the mother and no matter what you do for those kids, that is never going to change. My SD's biomom is a drug addict and we had her full time almost all her life. I RAISED her. You know what she did as soon as BM came back around claiming to be clean? She JUMPED at the chance to go live with her, even though the woman had abandoned her for YEARS of her life. She didn't even know what size shoe she wore or the name of her teacher. That mom/child bond is near impossible to break, like someone mentioned above.
As far as the other stuff, did you not meet these kids before you moved in? That part is a little baffling to me. Parenting those kids is not your job - your boyfriend needs to be parenting his own children. No wonder you have lost respect for him.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses it is very helpful. The answer is I did meet them before hand, but I made some poor decision making which I now must accept the consequences for. I think I thought I could "save" them lol. That with the right person it could turn around. And by and large it did. I just didn't expect that I'de loose respect for the dad in the process. Not respect as a friend, my heart still goes out to him in that regard. But as a lover, an equal that you trust to share your burdens with no not at all. Its dawning on me that I will have to be mother and father in this relationship should I stay, and it is not a happy realization. It was a romantic decision, but yes a very silly one on my end to make.
Ask yourself, are you still
Ask yourself, are you still in this relationship because you are afraid of being alone and starting over? Do you justify that you have invested so much time already? Believe me, you will be asking the same questions and more in 5 years time and then in 10 years time.