First kids are unappreciative and self centered. Bio parents can't expect to be appreciated. When the children mature they'll appreciate the time spent but don't expect any more than and "I remember and thanks" type statement.

Raising kids is a thankless task and being a step parent is more than thankless. You can become the lightning rod for anything negative. You've probably missed a lot of that because they understand the reason mother is not around.

The best words of encouragement I can give you is forget about being a step parent. Find a local (to you) fellow without kids. You're of a age where many men who have devoted themselves to careers so far are ready to settle down. You won't find any satisfaction raising someone elses kids and remember this:

Bio-mothers die or otherwise become unable to raise their kids. If you married this guy you could find yourself spending your life doing what you did this summer. No girl it just isn't worth it. Now that your obligations are over tell your friend it was eye-opening and you're glad you were able to help but its just "not me" and walk up to the boarding gate and go home.

If you fail to heed this advise you will curse yourself for decades to come.

I can relate to what you're experiencing. When I met my DH I was 25. He had SS7 (at the time) & SD4 (at the time). BM was non-existent. About 3 months after she realized I was around, she started halfway utilizing her EOW visitation. Sometimes she would show. Other times the kids would be packed up & would stand at the door or watching out the window for hours, just waiting.

It was heartbreaking to see how much they wanted & how excited they were, waiting for her & her not care enough to be there.

They needed a stable mother-figure in their lives. Me, not having children of my own, fed off of being that for them as they also filled a void in my life. I stepped in. I did daycare pick-up/drop-off when DH couldn't. I fed them. I did homework with them until DH got home from work. If I saw clothes they would like while I was out shopping, I bought them. I was a pseudo-mom.

SD & I got along great, but it was clear she wanted her mom. SS...he was very consistent with the "You're not my mom!". He was angry with her for leaving them, but he was also very protective & needy for her. Needless to say, he was hard to figure out. I struggled to win his acceptance, & honestly, it has only really come in the last couple of years.

I'm now 37. SD will turn 16 next month & SS turned 19 last month. We've encountered battle after battle in court with BM. She's still the preferred parent (largely in part to her bitter alienation practices). She's the one who's been able to provide (via her stepdad's money) the fun stuff...the cool clothes, the summer beach trips, the amusement parks, the skating parties, etc. We have been the logical responsible parents who pay child support, try to instill work ethic, teach responsibility & independence, & putting needs before wants...living within OUR means.

It hurts to watch them enjoy her. It hurts to know that, having given them all I could have to offer as a mother, the fact that I love them enough to give them my heart will never measure up to the material things she buys for them with other peoples money.

I've seen them hurt when their mother couldn't be bothered with them, & I've felt the hurt when they couldn't be bothered with me. Of course, I'll suck it up before I'd wish it on them again.

Like Lo said, stepparenting truly is a thankless job. A lot of people are stepparents to kids they don't love...or even like. If that were the case with me, I couldn't do it.

You will likely get replies telling you to run & don't look back. You will likely get replies telling you you're doing too much & let your BF take care of things.

IMO, you are doing what the kids need you to do. It is thankless, but whether they see it or not, they have worlds more in you...someone who owes them nothing, than they have in their own mother...who owes them everything you're giving.

I believe some people are cut out for steplife, & some are not.

I can tell you that even with the years in & out of court & the hurt & rejection from these kids I'd still do anything for, if I had it to do again, I'd still be where I am today.

If you can't do it without expecting thanks or recognition, don't do it. The resentment will build, you'll get tired & spend life angry.

Can I ask how long you've been in this relationship?

I agree with a lot that has been posted here. However, I must say give it a little time. Being flung into motherhood is not easy! I can't imagine going from living alone with no kids to full time mom of 3! I commend you for doing what you are doing for the kids. Obviously, they will never have a "normal" life with BM so the influence you can offer is priceless. I say when you go back home and tings are quiet, see how you feel. You will either feel relief or feel like something is missing. I have been a SM for 5 years now and there have been many times I wanted to throw in the towel, feeling unappreciated. But after 5 years, I can say I have a great relationship with my skids. Hang in there... especially if you really love this man. good luck!

No matter how bad BM is, no matter what a piece of crap she is, she is still their mother and they will crave attention from her and a relationship with her. Especially the 7 and 4 year old. That is to be expected. They LOVE their mother and want to see he-regardless of what kind of person she is. You need to understand that and learn to not let it bother you.

And secondly, you really don't know what the kids say about you to other people when you are not around. My husband is the custodial parent with an absentee, loser, addict ex wife. Once when she finally saw the kids in their early teens, my husband told me that the boys spent a good 20 minutes telling her how I run the house, what rules I have, and how they aren't allowed to do this or that. My husband said BM looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole LOL.

OP, I really hope you listen to Echo and StepAside.

You are just there for the summer. You're not their SM, just dad's long distance GF. They may be thinking that as soon as you leave, things can go back to normal~ just them and their dad.

Yeah, they should say please, thank you, good night...but they will not treat you or have the same feelings for you that they have for their mother.

Ok that was a little harsh. Maybe you had preconceived notions on how the summer would be. Usually when that happens the situation never lives up to your expectations. I know I did when I met bf and sd4 I came in full force. It takes time to build those relationships. Especially with an absentee bm you throw yourself into the daily mothering role and I think it's usually because we feel like we are filling a void for the kids. We can never fill the void of bm no matter how terrible they are. So many times I imagined telling sd your mother isn't as great ad you think she is, but I would never do it, would love to but wouldn't and it does hurt when you are pushed aside and ignored because bm decides to be semi maternal. I agree with the poster who said see how you feel when you get home. Try not to steamroll into their lives and your roll as step mom. Take it easy and see how things progress. Maybe it will work maybe it won't but you need to give it some time.

Bekkah,
I'm sorry to say this, but if you feel this way after spending a summer with your BF's kids, you will only feel worse after becoming their SM. I've been a SM for 10 yrs. I've told myself a zillion times it will get better..when the SKIDS get older, when BM grows up, when DH get's a set of balls, etc. The reality is, is doesn't get better it stays the same. You will feel used, abused, unappreciated and taken advantage of. You will always come last. You will feel like an outsider in your own home and sometimes even in your own marriage. You will fight with your SO over the BM and SKIDS. I love my SKIDS, and I want for them the same things I want for my DH's and my son. I have never had a fight with SKIDS or BM. Overall, I think my experiences as a SM have been pretty good compared to some of the stories I've read on this site, but I still feel used, abused, unappreciated and taken advantage.
Honestly, if I were you, I would run the other way. My DH and I talked about potential issues regarding the SKIDS and BM before we married. Back then, we were on the same page, or so I thought. After we married, and his guilt set in, all the things we discussed were tossed out the window. I do love my DH dearly, but I am angry and resentful.
If you don't want to live a life feeling all these things, trust me, move on.

Bekkah, you remind me so much of me - 30 years old,intelligent, having it all going on for me professionally, ready to be there for him , support him, handle and do it all with all the love I have in my heart.How could anyone not like my big heart and warm smile? After a Thanksgiving and Christmas at his mother`s I found this web site and posted.I had tons of people on here telling me to run and I did not. Dear Bekkah, please turn the other way and stay at your lovely job in MI, enjoy life and nature and do not settle for a life of resentment , misery and heartbreak. Do not abandon yourself!Hope I do not see you here in 2 - 3 years saying you are leaving.
Unfortunately, we were also on the same page. I thought we had an agreement I said to him teary eyed and he said the same to me teary eyed. People change and I do not want to see you emotionally destroyed, manipulated and used. I love him dearly with all my heart and soul but he told me that nothing will change and I know that it will not... Actually 10 months later I have a proof of that. All you can do is control you and your choices. With each choice we make ourselves responsible and accountable for our actions. Choose wisely Bekkah.Do not abandon yourself! Love and light your way

It will NEVER be over. I have been with DH for 12 years, married 3. SS19 lives with us and while EVERYONE who knows our situation is FULLY aware of the role I have played in SS life, I don't think SS really appreciates any of it. Maybe, when he's a dad he will, but for now, I am simply the nagging, too involved, nosey, harassing, way too strict SM that needs to get a life.
Same goes for SD12. If I were you, and I am not, so please just take my advice for what it is, MY opinion, I'd find a nice guy with NO baggage in YOUR town so you don't have to deal with all this stuff you're dealing with. It will get harder and harder and the resentment will get bigger and bigger.

Being a step-parent is tough. I don't go so far as Dart and Orange County, who say to "run for the hills," but I do think you need to disengage. It helped preserve both my sanity and marriage. I am nothing to SD17 and SS22, and they are nothing to me (other than SD17 being a potential source of legal liability until she is out of high school, but that is another story).

"Please know that I respect their experiences and advice, but their advice by an large is "Run!" and when I ask why they explain that it only gets worse, but no one can tell me why "worse" is the only option."

Have you read ANY of the posts on here? All you have to do is read a few posts to understand why things will only get worse, not better.

People are speaking from experience.