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New BF, tucking in SD 14.

Kd-1983's picture

My first post here...

chatting to my sd 14 today, she tells me that her mums boyfriend (9months now) has broken 2 slats on her bed. I asked why he was on her bed and she said when he tucks her in st night to give her a cuddle.

alarm bells instantly went off for me. We also found out recently he got out of jail for drug and armed robbery offenses 12 months ago! And on researching he Also has a criminal offence against a woman (don't know the details). He's also had his own child taken off him (apparently his ex is crazy - I'm not buying it)

i am really concerned about this behaviour. I haven't tucked her in for a couple of years now, we give a kiss and cuddle and say good night in the lounge room.

should I be concerned or am I just reading too much into things. And if I should be concerned what advice do you give on dealing with it?

thanks so much

Kd-1983's picture

Yes he is concerned. We've spoken to BM about the criminal stuff, but not about bedroom stuff as yet. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

No boyfriend of BM's needs to be tucking in a 14 y/o girl.  EVER.  Something is VERY wrong with that scenario, and you are right to be concerned.

 

hereiam's picture

Has your DH talked to SD about boundaries and personal space? That she does not have to allow this man in her bedroom and on her bed (and shouldn't)?

He can voice his concerns to BM but I have a feeling it won't do any good. I think he has to try, though.

Kd-1983's picture

No he hasn't, we found this out last night. I think it is time to have this talk with her.

BM won't listen, she must be aware of it happening. 
 

time to find the way to talk to SD now... 

thank you

Kd-1983's picture

It is actually much easier for me to communicate with her. Without knowing our history you don't really need to comment that.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, i'm thinking nobody needs to tuck in a 14-year-old. Someone (idk if it's you or DH) needs to talk to the girl about boundaries and safety, like what is ok and not ok. The BM needs to put a stop to the tucking. If these things don't work, a call to CPS may be in order. 

Kd-1983's picture

My thoughts too.

My 2 step kids have always been very clingy and needy so I'm suspecting she's loving the attention which makes it even worse. They haven't known boundaries ever and dont seem to get it. 

Time for some deeper talks about this.

thanks

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Encouraging clinginess plus never teaching boundaries makes the kids easy victims for certain types of predators. I don't know what the situation is with your SD, but i've found through my situation that some parents will actually encourage clingy behavior, since they don't see the kids every day, or they want reassurance the kids love them as much as the other parent. Maybe they use the kids as a source of affection. I've had major issues with my SO encouraging all his kids to get in bed with him and cuddle. The youngest will be 10 soon, and when he first came to my house he immediately got in my bed. A), i don't want kids in my bed. But B), i feel it is dangerous. He just met me and thinks it's ok to be in my bed! Does he do this everywhere?!

I guess my point is, some kids from dysfunctional situations have no sense of what is appropriate and they lack self-preservation skills. I hope your SDs mom starts protecting her, and maybe this can be an opportunity to be taught boundaries. 

Kd-1983's picture

Yes, their BM has taught them clingyness. She absolutely smothers them and 100% has issues with them having a relationship with their dad (my SO). 
the Kids are always all over anyone. And we constantly tell them that people need their space, but they don't listen. They just think we are the bad ones.

their BM still talks to them like they are toddlers. 

And yes I understand what you're saying about your step kids too. It's worrying to think they are comfortable with anyone!

im very concerned as to where this could go!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Good luck and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking your concerns aren't valid!

Rags's picture

Oh hell no.  No convict recently released from a notable prison term has any business in the bed of a teen.

Period.

If I was daddy, I would file a PO/RO against this convict on behalf of my minor child and keep him the hell away from my teen daughter.  Paying one's debt to society does not automatically make that convict suitable for exposure to young teens who in all liklihood are juicy morcels for the convict to target.

Goodluck's picture

HOLY MOLY.

Not ok OP,,,not ok.

 

 

Steptotheright's picture

As the others say you have a right to be concerned. You should take this up with the BM asap. If behavior continues, you escalate. No earthly way a man that's only been in her life for 9 months as her supposed step boyfriend dad or whatever, should be in her bed. There's no scenario where that would be okay, unless he's getting dishes out of her room and he trips and falls onto her damn bed. 

Someone needs to step up and protect this girl.

somethingwicked's picture

What's  her father think? Are the alarm bells sounding off in his head or is he afraid of his EX and doesn't want to make waves?

What you've described sounds like DH  should be worried and shutting that sh!t down.Pedophiles exist. And many times they are like sharks cruising around looking for a mark ,like a single mom with a teenaged or younger kid.

 .

 

Kd-1983's picture

100% he is concerned.

we'll be addressing as fast as we can. It is all too creepy for my liking and I'm very concerned at her age what she might deem to be appropriate. And just enjoying the attention. It completely freaks me out.

my SO and the BM do not get along and she gets defensive over everything, she lies and is vindictive. I'd hope she'd put the safety of her kids first. But when we confronted her about his past, she basically brushed it off saying she believes he's changed now and wait for it.. took a whole 3 months to decide if he should meet the kids! I didn't meet them for 6 months and I'm not a drug addict convicted criminal. 

just crazy...

im freaking out so much more now!

Penny19's picture

I couldn't believe what I was reading here! This is a toxic and dangerous situation! This kook is a criminal and he's got his eyes on this 14 y/o girl. These convicts all claim they 'change' when they get out of prison but this guy sounds SICK to me and that doesn't change. The BM is in total denial and many even turn a blind eye when they KNOW the bf is doing things to their kids. Time to sound the alarm and talk to anyone that will listen. Plz come back here and keep us posted. We care.

Winterglow's picture

Given that your SD has no notion of boundaries nor what, apparently, is normal, I'd be asking her to define the word "cuddle" ... How far would she go for attention?

Mandy45's picture

There is no need to be tucking in a 14 year old girl especially if she is not his daughter. 

There is one rule I've always had as a BM and SM never trust anyone around the kids. Because you never know who a abuser could be with this guy past and from what your explained he may be grooming her. 

He may be just tucking her in now. You need to talk to your sd about this too. See how she feels about him doing this as well. Does it make her feel uncomfortable?? Why is the mother letting him do this?? Bm known him for like 5 minutes. 

Could bm love for this guy be clouding her better judgement?? 

You and dh need to nip it in the butt NOW it may just be innocent but it may not be as well. 

Your better off not taking that chance. 

 

 

shamds's picture

Convict and would rather the attention than view the reality that its 100% inappropriate for this guy to be tucking her in bed. All it takes is for bio mum to fall asleep, boyfriend comes in the room to so-called tuck her in and basically covers her mouth and rapes her while threatening if she screams that he’ll kill her and her mum. 

Your husband should be reporting this to the authorities and not trying to deal diplomatically since bio mum thinks this criminal is amazing and her life partner etc. 

its her fathers duty and responsibility to protect her. Heck i’m keeping my toddlers away from my sd’s because they respect no boundaries and try to feed my kids inappropriate things and are spies for mummy and give me weird vibes and thats enough for me to put my foot down firmly with hubby and say i will not tolerate it. Your partner needs to come down on bio mum hard....

sd is likely frightened out of her mind but doesn’t even know what to do...

Kd-1983's picture

I completely agree with you. ANything could be happening. And he s great at making everyone believe he is a fantastic human!.

I think you're right about the BM being in complete denial also. We just need to put SD's needs first now and not worry about anyone else.

Thank you

Kd-1983's picture

So I'ev spoken to my SD, and she says she is fine with him doing it (as I suspected anyway, due to having zero boundaries and loving all attention, as taught by bm). She says he kneels on her bed, because her bed is a double bed, gives her a kiss and cuddle after her mum does and then leaves the room... I asked if she's ok with it, and she said it doesn't bother her.... I just told her that we don't think it's appropraite given her age etc etc - she didn't say much else.

 

We got onto his ex wife last night, and found out he doesn't see his own child because he refused to take drug tests (it's been 5 years since they saw him), she said she's never known him to be a predator type, but also said she woudl never trust him as far as she can kick him. His sisters apparently don't see him as they don't want him near their children! 

Apparently the drug adiction was sevre, as started as 18 years of age, become worse 10 years ago (he's know about 43). He has done many many many horrible things in his life. I'm convinced he is lying to BM - I think the chance he has fully recvered is very very slim.. We are so freaked out and trying to put a plan of action into place so we can cover all bases. 

We can't prove he's done anything wrong at this point but will be seeking legal advice to see if we can get an intervetnion order on him.

Thank you everyone for your input thus far. I truly appreciate it to the bottom of my heart.