New baby
I haven't talked to DF about this yet, and would love some input.
I recently found out that I am pregnant and due in mid/late December (I don't have an exact date yet).
Normally, SS7 comes to our house and stays with us during the hoildays. I'm thinking that it would be best for him to stay at his BM's since I will have just given birth and will need time to heal, rest, and adjust with the baby.
ALSO, when SS stays with us during the holiday, DF's mother will also stay and watch/visit SS while we are at work. I really don't think that it will be a good idea to have them both staying over right after I give birth.
I know it's early to be thinking this, but it's been on my mind and i would like to hear any opinions that any of you may have.
i think this is fine
i completely understand not wanting to deal w all of that after u have just given birth. as a matter of fact, my FH and i have already decided that after we have a baby, SD wont come over for about a month or so until we get adjusted to everything. but that would only be us missing out on a couple visitation wkends. if u only get SS during the holidays, maybe u can agree on him coming at another time?? or is that not feasible bc of school? i think it sfine, just be sure to make alternate arrangements to make up the parenting time. and CONGRATULATIONS!!!
My 2 cents
I think it's a good idea also. Maybe if SS feels left out then DH could take him out for supper just the 2 of them one night.
Will SS be able to stay and extended visit later?
I'm torn on what to tell you. We have 50/50 with my sons and full custody of SD. So when I had Anna (via c-section) Dec 27, the kids were with their other parents because we were both at the hospital. BUT...we picked all of them up to bring their baby sister home. I felt that was important so that all of them would have that memory, feel a part of her and our family unit on such an important day.
So with you not having full custody, I'm not sure how to answer.
Is it just that you don't feel either of you will feel up to "entertaining" or taking care of SS? Or you aren't sure how he'll feel having to see you both so attentive to your new baby?
I think if you can let him come along with you for the first night home, THEN maybe he can go back to BM's and make up the time later when everyone is well rested. (BTW, not sure if this is your first baby or not but...if not, please know that "well rested" will not ever happen til the baby starts sleeping through the night!)
I would suggest though that you consider this from his perspective as in having a new sibling. Even a part time half sibling. If you can make him a part of the baby and that monumental day of bringing the baby home, he may have a more vested, healthy connection to the baby in the future. Seven is old enough to take part I think.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Take out the "step" and what do you have?
Would you send him away if he were your biological child? Think ahead to your second child, if you'll be having one. Will you send your first child away while you heal, rest and adjust with your second baby? Take the step out of it and then make your decision. Some people will argue that it's not the same. I argue that it is. It's the same for DH, because although they may not both be YOUR biological children, they are definitely both HIS biological children.
When I had my second child, my son was there. We got visitation with the skids as usual. That was five kids in total, one a newborn and me recovering from a rough delivery. DH picked up the slack so that I didn't have to do anything, besides eat, sleep, nurse and care for the baby. It was a difficult birth and they wouldn't even tell me how many stitches it took to sew me back up, but I had my little donut and I was happy.
If your MIL will be there to help with SS, then I don't see why he shouldn't come as planned, assuming you have a normal delivery and the baby arrives healthy. Also, having your MIL there will be WONDERFUL, because she can help out while you're off your feet. When you have a new baby, you can't get too much help.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Appreciated Advice
I appreciate your input so far, and I wanted to address some of your questions...
Yes, this is my first.
SS lives across the country and sending him back to BM after we bring home baby is not an option. Even though he would miss the holidays with us, he would be back in March during his Spring Break and then spends the entire summer with us as well. (Ss is with us whenever school is out)
Yes, MIL would be around, but I really don't find her that much help. I don't want to get into the details (those are more suitable for motherinlawstories.com), but having her stay with us would be more stressful for me.
I feel that since this is my first child, I deserve to be a little selfish and want to have time with just the baby and DF. SS hasn't spent the holidays with BM in many years, and I think that it would be good for him to be his her and her family for a change. I'm not asking for a total overhaul of their visitation agreement. I just want a little time after giving birth to adjust.
I sometimes feel bad about wanting this, but I also feel that I deserve it.
i think u have every rite
especially w the limited time ur SS is there...he will prob want ur (or DHs or both) undivided attn and thats not possible rite after the birth. plus the stress of it might be difficult for him. i think it may b better to have him come back at another time when everyone is better adjusted, and he can have a visitation dspent doing more w the family and not just watching tv while u all take care of baby.
i'm due in a few weeks
DH made arrangements with BM to skip a few visitations after baby is born so we can get the hang of things. We get sd every other weekend. Most likely, one of his family members will bring SD to our house for a while so she can see/spend time with her sister, but nothing too long. I know SD will be a lot of help, but she has so many activities during the summer and we wouldn't be able to attend them with the birth of the new baby, so it works out
I'm with Georgia on this one...
But we are always on the same page when it comes to this.
From a bio-mom's point of view, I would really struggle if my ex said that he could not exercise his visitation with his boys because his new wife was having a baby. Your SS7 is going to be a big brother and I would think your husband would want to include him in the new transition. My boys would also be over-the-top heart broken if their dad chose not to take them during the holidays.
I went into the whole situation with a positive outlook when my younger child was born. My older son was 3 when my younger one was born and he was a huge help because I anticipated that he would be. I had over 9 months to plan for it.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
we just went through something like this..
I did recently have our second son, we do have custody of SD and for the first few days DH did do most of the work for the older two kids while I started to get into my routine, but I think it would cause some hurt feelings on you H part and definitely for ss and might be setting a presidence for seperation of these families if you do skip this visit, but if it is what you really want then maybe you should see how H feels.