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jade84's picture

jade84's picture

Hello - new here. 
Bit of a long post, hoping someone could help me shed some light.  Only been together 6 months. His kids are great, it's the soon to be ex that's the issue (ish) mostly I'm being gaslighted for calling him out when he goes to fix the bathroom light in his house (that she is living in) and doesn't tell me, or goes there for a nap! He's secretive about his life and won't fully invest in ours. I know he's struggling to let go, if I  bring up these issues he shuts down ends the relationship and runs back to his ex? 


juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I wouldn't rule out the strong possibility that:

He's using you for sex and babysitting.


You don't generally help an ex change a damn light bulb, and you sure as hell don't sleep in their presence.

Petronella's picture

"He's using you for sex and babysitting."

Accurate. Also possibly he's using her for money as well.

Rags's picture

If he goes back to his X, he is doing you a favor.

Do not chase this POS. He is enmeshed with his X and is not even close to ready for a relationship with  you.  Do not sacrifice yourself to this waste of skin non man.

Move on. Enjoy your life.

Petronella's picture

She doesn't sound like an ex. 

He's got a woman in his life and it isn't you. Move on and free yourself to meet someone who's actually single and available for a relationship. 

strugglingSM's picture

He is still in a psychological relationship with his ex wife. He has not made space in his life for a new relationship. 

If he's keeping secrets, that's not a good sign. I would end the relationship yourself, because helping him understand what healthy boundaries are will be a struggle and he will likely demonize you to avoid taking responsibility for his own baggage. 

hereiam's picture

if I  bring up these issues he shits down ends the relationship and runs beck to his ex? 

Do yourself a favor and let him stay with the not so ex, then.

He can nap all he wants but he should not be dating.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

If he is "changing her lightbulbs" and "taking naps" at her house - she is not his "ex." If he is keeping secrets from you, they are still involved and you are playing the role of the other woman. Drop this guy and move on. Tell him to call you when his divorce has been final for a year.

jade84's picture

Thank you for your replies.  I know deep down I'm being used I think I just needed it validating that ending it is the right thing to do. 

hereiam's picture

Oh, it's the right thing to do.

Find someone who is actually single and emotionally available. This guy ain't it.

Winterglow's picture

OMG, what kind of a useless, incompetent, pathetic individual needs someone to change a lightbulb for them... I would be ashamed. Tell him he's her landlord not her daddy ...

Thisisnotus's picture

If she is a soon to be ex....then technically he is still hanging out with his wife.

hell to the no!

jade84's picture

Yep, I'm well aware ... just feel like a fool.  He's been 'separated' for 7 months, he just cannot let go of his old life and then takes it out on me. He doesn't talk just gets angry and gaslights, he's selfish and I feel unwanted, unloved and a second option. He's also very controlling and doesn't like women speaking out of their place! That's why I think he's holding on, I think his poor ex was a door mat.  He won't include me in his life and keeps referring to everything as mine mind yours mine etc. Tells me nothing then turns it on me calling me crazy and psycho. As I'm writing this I'm cringing. His stuff is packed at the front door! 

Winterglow's picture

Glad to hear you've got a handle on the situation. Please ensure you have someone with you when he gets home just in case things turn ugly, even if it's only someone to call the cops.

Anonyn49's picture

When I was still single, I had a firm rule that I didn't date men freshly out of a marriage. They are all kinds of messed up.

He is still sleeping with his ex, I promise you.

You deserve better. I am sorry for the pain this decision will cause you, but respecting yourself and removing yourself from the situation is the right thing to do. There is a good chance that when he is finally done with his ex, he will realize he also wants to be free of anything around this painful time in his life - including you.

Grieve, Move out, Move on.