Never thought my husband would be one of the ones that treat bio different to skids
Dh has two skids by two bms - ss13 and sd7. We have a bio ds 4 months. I guess what I'm looking for is a non aggressive approach to deal with the next problem arising from marrying a man with such baggage. Dh has direct debits set up for two skids where money is automatically deducted each month (over 100e). We spoke about setting up same for ds so I did this after he was born and have been paying in my agreed portion each month. Dh has paid in zero and has not even asked for the details which would enable him to do so....
This makes me very resentful and angry because I feel like my son draws the short stick to the skids and feel it is so unfair. I don't want him to have more than the skids but feel he should have equal even if that means reducing the skids payments so that it is equal three ways. I already asked my husband was he planning on putting money into ds account to which he replied of course! But as stated he hasn't even asked for details. And he can't blame Christmas as money still came out as usual for skids.
How would you broach this with your dh? Feel like I need to discuss this before I explode but Dh gets very sensitive when it comes to money and in particular money and the skids.
Also meant to add Dh will
Also meant to add Dh will never be able to make up for the money he hasn't deposited, that's why they were meant to be small manageable amounts each month.
The first sentence says that
The first sentence says that her DH has two skids so it confused me at first too. But I'm thinking she meant that her DH has two bio kids from two different women and they are the OP's skids.
sorry just feeding the baby
sorry just feeding the baby now! They are savings accounts that skids will have access to when 18 if they want to buy a car, go to college , go travelling whatever the wishes. Basically the same thing I wish to set up for my son. There will be 20000 in it when he turns 18 but only if we both pay in agreed amounts each month.
Sorry should clarify this is
Sorry should clarify this is money separate to cs
At what age did he start the
At what age did he start the skids accounts?
If he started them at birth I would set up the paperwork for him to have the money put in to DS's account and have him sign, if he started them when the kids were 1y.o. or 5 y.o. then maybe that's why he is slacking on it.
Not sure
Since birth for both and he
Since birth for both and he knows I've paid in my half as I have mentioned it several times!!!
No I just asked was he going
No I just asked was he going to put money in for ds to which he said he would of course. I know it will stretch him financially so that's really what I was looking for is advice on how to suggest to dh he reduce payments to provide for all 3 of that's what's needed?? He will prob see this as me trying to take away from skids which I am not at all. I just want the same for my son, no more no less.
HRNYC, do you realize it's
HRNYC, do you realize it's way easier said than done to just "get CS modified"? If anyone is paying based on state or provincial guidelines, getting a modification is unlikely.
I also cover all baby related
I also cover all baby related costs - I've bought his clothes for the year and buy all of his formula and nappies whereas dh pays for everything for ss in particular because his mother doesn't. She's just happy to collect cs and will never spend it to get the poor child a haircut or buy him shoes or books (he's a very keen reader).
"and when your DS is 18 and
"and when your DS is 18 and sees he has WAY less than his siblings got..hes going to say something. he will be angry if hes using it for college and because dad didn't chip in now DS can't afford school or doesn't have the same advantages as the other kids. DS by 18 will be his own person and will form his own opinions on how the inequality makes him feel."
Why in the world would the son even know this information????
If he's helping to pay
If he's helping to pay housing, food, utilities, health insurance...for the baby, it's possible he views that as money that is going toward son. If he's already spread thin financially, adding another 100 for son, will mean he has to come up short on household expenses.
Of course the other option is to just not make extra payments to any of his children. Of course that doesn't mean your son will benefit from the extra 200 he has each month. He may just find another source for those funds.
You're right, it would be
You're right, it would be hard to make everything entirely equal between all of your kids. I know my siblings and I didn't all end up with the same amount of money for university and such, but it was close enough that we didn't care. And it's easy to understand why there were differences.
I put $2500/year into my DD2's RESP, and I'm going to do the same for the baby I'm having in July. I'm sure they'll end up with different amounts by the time they go to university depending on how the government here changes their contribution matching. And my kids will just have to deal with it.
My husband doesn't save anything extra for SD7 at this point. He pays $1500/month in CS and BM has said she is putting some of it away for SD.
Why don't you straight up ask
Why don't you straight up ask him to give you the money so you can deposit it?
Yeah, this would be a crappy
Yeah, this would be a crappy situation. I wouldn't be impressed if my husband didn't keep his end of the deal, especially if he's saving money for his other kids on top of paying CS. Could you just ask him why he's not helping you out with saving for your baby?
Hi everyone thanks for the
Hi everyone thanks for the feedback. I have asked dh and he said he will give it to me, he's just a little bit short at the moment. I appreciate all the feedback but it had pretty much solidified my feelings on the subject. I do believe that my ds should get some money out into his account every month from now , it will still between us not be a massive fortune or anything but it will give him a head start in life. That is why myself and my husband had decided on a small manageable amount each month.
I do not believe that Dhs contribution to our household should take the place of savings for our son. While dh did help buy some of he bigger ticket items before the baby was born, I now take care of all the financial aspects of our son (as my dh pays so much cs). So my Dhs contribution to the household is probably around he same as what it was before the baby was born. Further to that point, ss bm is useless. We worked out once before that she probably has more disposable income each month from all of her benefits and cs than we do with myself and dh working skilled jobs full time. She still collects her cs but tries to pawn ss off on us or her mother. She literally buys him nothing so my dh has to. So again, this makes me very resentful and I will not tolerate my son having no savings because he is picking up the slack from bm. If bm doesn't have a savings account too bad too sad.
Further to the suggestion that my sons savings account is only started in a few years time when the others have aged out... This is not acceptable to me as my dh will more than likely be Helping to pay for college etc for years. I will absolutely not tolerate my son coming last for something I can control. So I will be sitting down and discussing how all of this tonight.
I feel that contributing equally to all children is the fairest in that it's a set armount out each month. It is already difficult to accept that my husband financially supports two over households but I will not have my own child shafted. It has nothing to do with him finding out when he is 18 that he does not have the same money approximately but why shouldn't he have it!????
He should equally contribute
He should equally contribute for all 3 kids . Great idea starting so early.
No need to try to even out
No need to try to even out past contributions. But current ones should be even. These funds are basically gifts to the children.
Would it be fair for a dad to give the skids hundreds of dollars in Christmas presents but give nothing to the bio kid? Or to give a skid $500 for a birthday present but give the bio child NOTHING. Same thing.
It will be impossible for him
It will be impossible for him to keep everything fair. The OP's son will be included in all family vacations. The SS will only be included in the ones that occur during his scheduled time with dad. Since dad doesn't see the SD,she won't be included in any family vacations. The same goes for Christmas, birthdays...
You will drive yourself crazy trying to keep things even/fair between all 3 kids. When it's all said and done, the OP's son will be the kid that "wins". If his parents can work their issues out, he will grow up in a home with two parents who loves him and each other. You can't put a dollar amount on that.