Need to Vent not sure where to place it!
HI I am new my name is Lizzy. I have to write this now before a true introduction because I have a small gripe and need advice.
This is a topic about being married to someone with a child support obligation. Every pay check he pays 120 for his 1 son. He gets paid every 2 weeks. That amounts in some months to 360. His son is autistic so his mom applied for ssi when he was a baby. She gets 674 per month for that. Her new husband works as well. He is not obligated to my stepson, obviously. She doesn't work outside the home she is a stay at home mom. His income should I would think be considered their income, thus she should use some portion of his income on top of child support to pay for her child as well.
So we pay that and we buy gifts when birthdays and Christmas comes around. i have 2 other younger children and we pay for everything for them as well, obviously. they are my obligations. anyway if my husband doesnt pay for child support that can be a suspended license or jail time. We dont mind, the kid needs stuff we happily pay child support as owed. Nobody ever potty trained the boy and at 13 he is still using diapers, next year it will be depends because behinds grow so im imagining by the time he is 14 he wont fit the kids diapers anymore. This year he uses xl pull up like things.
Anyway so we buy those too and we've paid for school supplies on top of diapers and we've bought shoes and clothes that actually fit. (One year at Christmas I saw him wearing pajama bottoms easily two sizes too small digging into his legs I immediately changed him into the new clothes I had gotten him) I am being drained. Then his next pay check he's sending his obligation plus he just bought a pack of diapers for his son. Now she wants us to pay for a party we didn't help plan for her to invite people some of which we're not related to. I can't go even though she asked me to pitch in my kids are too young for the type of party it is. Its going to be expensive!
Then we still need to go Christmas shopping and I barely have anything.
Are there any people on the receiving end of child support? If so your input is welcome because maybe I don't understand her pov. I can get paying for a cake or paying for a couple heads but paying half for a party I can't go to and neither can his little brothers... on TOP of child support. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think its fair. We are also buying a gift but I can't buy a gift and pay some exorbitant amount for a party too. Maybe I am just not understanding how this split family thing works.
There's no edit button but on
There's no edit button but on top of our gifts and all that aforementioned stuff they just bought themselves an expensive video game and the new Kindle Fire (199.99 on Amazon.com) and now they want us to chip in and pay for step son to have a Kindle Fire too. Why cant she share hers with him?! :jawdrop: someone on the receiving end please explain this if you understand. maybe I don't understand step parenting and child support obligations.
My own kids dont have fancy gadgets. I just share my laptop, tvs, and e-readers with them. Although I have an old e-reader its about 70 bucks new not 199....and its not a tablet. its just a reader. but if i have gizmos and gadgets i share with my kids. idk they dont have their own.
its just an expensive party.
its just an expensive party. we dont have a lot of money. he makes just a few dollars over minimum wage. we were never included when she made the list for the people she wants us to pay for amd we didnt help plan it. she says she cant afford it alone. some of the people are not our relatives, some are. Plus my kids, her sons brothers, cant even go, which is fine i mean what 13 year old wants a 3 and a 1 year old at their party. but we're paying child support and they go out and go to football games and movies hotels and pay for expensive stuff then tell us they have no money for diapers, school supplies, rent or shoes. we get pooped on. she gets everything. we have to go to the flea market and thrift stores to get stuff our kids need because of all the cs and extras we end up paying for. and child support enforcement counts diapers and school supplies as gifts. at that rate when the school year comes instead of buying the supplies we oughta just tack on extra money and say use what we added to our obligated payment for the school supplies so it wont be a gift.
plus i mean unlike some people who get child support she gets ssi and child support for him. and its not like her husband cant give her money for diapers from his pay check. when you get married (and no they dont have a prenup) whats yours is mine. if she doesnt want to work because she wants to be a sahm then she needs to ask her husband for some of his paycheck because its HER kid to pay for too not just hubbys. kinda like how most married women do. "i have needs we have to meet this paycheck"
but no they go to expensive sporting events, hotels, get gadgets and gear then say they cant afford rent or ask my husband for money for additional stuff. and they get food stamps so my husbands child support payments dont even have to go for ss to have food.
also we do pay for his basketball sign up but he never goes to the practices because he doesnt want to do it. he wants to do it at first then the remainder of the year he doesnt want to participate. he is one of those autistic kids who....wants to listen to music and do repetitive tasks and he pretty much doesnt interact with other kids ever and is not a sports kid. maybe some autistic kids love that. he doesnt. he thinks he will and then he doesnt.
Hi there. Does your stepson
Hi there. Does your stepson spend time at your house as well? That would impact child support.
Taking care of a child with a disability that still uses diapers at his age, must be a lot of work.
What are the custody arrangements here?
we get him on the weekends
we get him on the weekends but if he refuses he doesn't have to come over, kwim? there's no actual custody rules in place but because she's the sole provider and collects welfare for him my husband became obligated to pay. they see him as HER dependent because she gets food stamps for him.
BM can ask for money for
BM can ask for money for extras. DH can say no. As long as he continues to say yes, she will continue to ask.
No one is forcing him to give extra, he's making the choice to do so.
^^This... It sounds like
^^This...
It sounds like there are no boundaries...those are needed...As it stands, everybody is doing things all willy nilly, so nobody knows where their responsibility starts and ends...
Also, this statement right here:
His income should I would think be considered their income, thus she should use some portion of his income on top of child support to pay for her child as well.
No...her DH's income isn't necessarily factored into his support obligations...If he chooses too, great...But if it's not mandated by the state no...
In my state, my income is NOT factored into my DH's support obligation...I checked on that before I got married...BM took DH to court for more support after we got married to factor my income in, but they told her SD isn't my financial responsibility...
the problem then lies in the
the problem then lies in the fact that she doesnt want to pay for her own son. she wants to be a sahm. she wants my husand to pay child support and she wants to collect ssi. she doesnt want to pay for anything out of her own pocket. she has no income of her own just the ssi that is because she has a disabled son. if she doesnt count her husband's income. so then she's a jobless parent and not a sahm.
so let me rephrase it. if hubby sends child support and she uses up all the ssi and child support before another payment is due...who pays for extra diapers she wants to buy for the child she never potty trained?
I was asked for extra one
I was asked for extra one time for 'school supplies' (pardon me while I clear my throat here koff koff) and DH went to work and left the check for her to collect or send someone for.
PM comes in on the computer, it's BM asking if the money is there so I say yes. She askes me if the extra is on it, I tell her no. She demands to know where DH is, I tell her I have no idea, he left for work. Seriously, he could have been at a supply house, a customer or driving to or from iether, I actually did not need to know! She tells me I could not find my ass with both hands in my pockets! I tell her the money is there take it or leave it. She demands his phone number, I say I am not giving it to her. She threatens me with some legal bullshit or other, I tell her go ahead do your worst. She once again demands to know where DH is, I tell her he crawled up my ass and I can find niether it nor him Goodbye! I know, I know, I should not have even gotten into it with her.
My point is to reiterate that you are not obliged to give any more than CS and ANYTHING over and above that is a gift that there are NO thanks for or appreciation of. BM managed quite nicely without the 'extra' and she got them LLBean schoolbags and designer schoolwear with all the 'fashion' extras using her own money!
Sounds like your DH needs to
Sounds like your DH needs to learn the word "NO" She is collecting 674. in ss. DH pays 240 in child support. Government is giving the child foodstamps to c0ver his food expense. If this child is 13 and still in diapers I would think that he is really not in the frame of mind to appreciate the expense of an expensive party. Sounds more like this is a way for mom to afford a party and entertain friends at your expense. Since food is supplied by foodstamps, and med is most likely provided by gov. funded funds.then the childs expenses would behis share of housing and utilities first. What is left over from his amount would be what she has left from his incoming money to cover items like diapers and clothing.
He needs to stop giving her
He needs to stop giving her anything beyond the CS. Also their should be set visitation with the courts. As for buying him things, fine, it just stays at your house and never goes to her house. That works very well for us...
how much does it cost to get
how much does it cost to get set visitation? my hubby is afraid of the court costs.
I agree........that is what
I agree........that is what CS is for? Unless, it is something big and unforeseen - It sounds like she is getting enough $ to take care of this child.
It sounds like the BM thinks
It sounds like the BM thinks the ssi is "her" share of supporting SS, when really if the parents were still married it would be to aid both of them to care for the child. I am a BM also and even from that point of view I feel that the diapers and everyday living expenses should come from ssi and CS. She also cannot dictate what extras, such as parties, your DH pays for. If he WANTS to that's another story. Evidently, based on OP's DH's income, the state feels he is doing his share. So should he and the BM.
Since you asked about people on the receiving end of CS...
There is court ordered child support in place for one of my own kids since she was an infant. The order did not specifically mention any expenses except medical expenses, for which the BF is responsible. From CS and my own income I paid for food, diapers, clothing, day care, toys, birthday parties, field trips, school supplies, etc. He has purchased birthday and Christmas gifts, some school clothes once she was a teenager, and trips to see him or his family. So far the only large expense has been braces, and we shared that expense.
I also use CS toward living expenses like housing and utilities. I know this will get some dander up here on this site, but there are times, assuming CS is not being abused, that it is reasonable for CS to go toward shelter (although OP's situation doesn't sound like one of them). For example, due to choices my exH and I made TOGETHER when we married (having a baby, my career taking a more charitable turn and his making a more lucrative turn, getting divorced- even though it was due to his affair I'll call it a mutual decision) and decisions we made TOGETHER after we separated as to whether I would be required to alter the entire life course of myself we had planned for myself and our child because he wanted to marry someone else, I was left with lower earning potential than him. Same as if we had stayed married. Same as other parents who mutually decide for the CP to stay at home rather than work. I feel he is responsible for part of the difference between what a one-bedroom dwelling for just myself would cost and what a modest 2 bedroom dwelling in a decent neighborhood with decent schools would cost. Kids can suck up plenty of electricity and hot water, too.
There are so many intangible costs to raising a child besides food and clothes. It would be unfair to say the NCP is only responsible for 50% of things that the CP has a cash register receipt for. I guess that's why states have those formulas for what raising a child costs and using a percentage of income for calculations for CS. Granted, being a government thing, it got all screwed up.
With my second child (yep, 2 kids and 2 dads- paint me with the BM brush, but you really can't predict how things are going to play out in your life) there is no court order. My son's dad is in a more difficult financial position and I have chosen not to push him into financial disaster with a court order. He sends me what he can when he can. It comes nowhere near 1/2 of raising a kid...but just like my above example, we made decisions TOGETHER before we split up that put me in the position I am in.
I also live with a CS paying NCP. I get to watch as almost all of what he makes goes to his ex's habits (cigarettes, drugs, not paying the mortgage, getting new tattoos, shoplifting)while she receives food stamps, her boyfriend receives disability, and she spends as much time as she would at a part-time job bilking various charities. Meantime, he's broke. At least he's so broke I don't have to watch him spend lavish amounts of money on his kids, I guess.
I totally see both sides of the issue.
She has no problem paying for
She has no problem paying for housing if she's married I'd think some of the housing responsibility falls on herself and her spouse. She does get 674 a month in ssi, 240 a month cs, and some foodstamps as well as medicaid for the kids because she has 2. one with her own hubby and 1 from my hubby.
my husand said after his obligation is over in 5 years he will still pay for depends if need be but the kid will always have ssi because he's autistic and is developmentally delayed. mentally he's 4 years old. she wants us to pay for a bunch of people to watch the movies.
i had visions of sugar plums when getting married i guess. i thought split families worked like this:
kid gets two parties. one from mom and another at dad's. mom covered cost of her party. dad covered cost of his. kid gets gifts from each family.
she also thinks she can tell us how to spend our christmas money. i thought christmas goes like this: dad gets christmas eve, mom gets christmas morning and then it rotates. however due to her own agenda we always have to wait until the 26th of december so he can see all of her family and her husbands family on those two days. :sick:
i told hubby to demand to see his son this christmas eve because i work on the 26th and he has stuff to do on the 26th its a monday......duh.
we have to have him on one of the weekend days. that is the best time for us. so he better ask for one of those days.
hey can you pay child support by credit card? out here they wont let us just hand the money to the bm we have to go through the system. we've been doing it by mail but that takes so long. i think that because child support takes so long to go through the system and the mail that she feels more obligated to receive extras and hubby feels more guilty because she doesnt have the funds more readily available when she needs them.
i've seen him pee in the
i've seen him pee in the toilet if you direct him but she needs diapers for poop. which i think he could have learned, imo to poop in the toilet. he's past the age of puberty and both of the parents, my husband included, have jokes if they think i will ever change a 13 year old's diapers. sorry if that's harsh but its not going down like that. they can handle it since they didnt want to handle it the right way the first time.. he's got an 80 iq and he can walk, talk, read, and write. he can do a lot of normal things she never put any time into training him and hubby doesnt have court ordered visistation so he sometimes gets his son on the weekend sometimes he doesn't. he also has to grin and bare it if she doesnt want us to have him on holidays. well he's afraid of the systems so he doesnt go to court. i think enough is enough imo.
i still blame both of them for the lack of him using the toilet. i also think y'all are right and he needs to say no. she can buy diapers when the cs money runs out, plain and simple.
personally i think she needs to get a job if she cant afford to support her son on over 800 a month instead of playing the stay at home role. stay at home role is for moms who can make their hubby's paycheck and or their support and other income stretch. i think 800+ per month is plenty for one kid when you get food stamps in the range of 5-600 dollars a month on top of that.
I could go on for DAYS about
I could go on for DAYS about this! I do not have a handicap child or step child BUT, I do have sole legal and physical custody of my BD5. Her father has chosen NOT to be a large part of her life bc he moved away from where we have lived her whole life. I took him to court for support and visitation. EVERYTHING MUST be documented through the courts. What state do you live in? I'm in Virginia, which is typically considered a 'mother's' state. My daughters father is court ordered to call her 3 times a week, he hasn't called in three months and now all of a sudden wants to have her for christmas break which is his holiday this year according to the court order. Anyways.... Get Dad to take BM to court so that there is visitation set in stone. Whether SS wants to come for visitation or not, tough shit. STOP giving in to BM!!!! Give her support, and that is it! I do get court ordered support. $550 a month for one child. Support guidelines here are based off of both parents' income and it is split 50/50. My obligation is the same as his. So the way it basically states is, I (BM) make this much and him (BF) makes this much, there is a certain calculation that virginia uses for providing support. But they make it fair, if I make less money than him, my obligation is less. I have asked for help with school supplies, or birthday's in the past and get shit on and told that those are the things support is for. Which it is NOT!
I do not get any government assistance. NONE. no foodstamps, ssi, or medicaid. And BF still refuses to do any extra. I can't do anything about it because he isn't legally obligated to. SO, stop doing extra! Plain and simple. If she wants a big expensive party, then SHE can pay for it! I pay for all my daughter's christmas', birthday's, name brand school stuff, etc. I do not expect for her father to pay for any of that. Her support, because the money is to support the well being of the CHILD i.e. Rent, utilities, food. NECESSITIES. NOT wants or extras. phew. ok, like I said, I could go on for days. But i'll stop my rant here. GOOD LUCK!
Another thing.... if she
Another thing.... if she chooses NOT to spend the support money on necessities, then the money for the necessities should come out of the child's ssi. You could also do this. Write up a price list. How much is her rent? How many ppl are living there? Say the rent is $800 and there are 4 ppl living there. The rental obligation for the SS would be $200 split in half, so ur DH responsiblity with support for that portion would be $100 right? Are you following me? How many diapers does he go through? Say he needs 4 packs to get through a month and the total cost for those is $100 a month, split in half, ur DH responisibility for that would be $50. Follow? I would make a lsit of all the necessities for the SS. total it, split it in half. If there is extra left over with the support obligation, then stop giving extra. Ya'll are providing ENOUGH! If the obligation is more, then yea ya'll could provide extras when NEEDED. But NOT for fancy parties etc. I hope this makes sense.
Legally, the new husband's
Legally, the new husband's income is irrelevant, your skid is in no way shape or form considered the responsibility of her new husband. Your husband is obligated to pay minimum 17% of his gross annual income, period. As far as paying for necessities beyond support, welcome to parenthood. Technically your spouse doesn't HAVE to pay for extra's beyond support, but then the child suffers.
As far as the party goes, it's his choice. It's not a necessity, so no one is going to hold anything against him should he choose not to contribute.
Good luck!