You are here

NEED ADVICE....NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

LuckieGirl35's picture

Hi Everyone! I am new to this site. Just need advice. BM is giving me a nervous break down and I can't handle it anymore. I love my some-to-be step-daughter and we get along great. BM is BM from hell and it is putting a strain on my fiance's and my relationship. Need to know, Am I childish or is this normal? I do not have any biological children so I am unaware of how I should be feeling. Just really struggling with this situation.

PLEASE HELP!

LuckieGirl35's picture

Thank you so much for your reply. I am just on the edge. This women has gotten to me and I remain as calm as I can in front of people. But when I get a moment to myself. I just let out all the frustration and cry.

My fiance and I have our own home. And If she calls my Fiance's phone to talk to the daughter and she is home with just me, she calls the police. She even tells everyone that he daughter loves me and I am so good to her. Than why the hell the drama?!?!?!

She tells my Fiance constantly "Please don't marry her. We can be a family"

She will cause drama and say that she won't bring the SD to meet us and than call and request to have her on our time. I swear I think she is bi-polar!

LuckieGirl35's picture

We go through drama constantly with this women. This is our second summer in court fighting for my fiance's daughter because BM is trying to move her out of state. We have 50/50 custody and we are willing to take our SD full-time if BM really wants to leave.

Our newest encounter would be her calling and telling us she isn't going to meet us to bring SD to our usual meeting spot. She said we could call the cops is need be. (Just to start drama) My Fiance said he would call that cops if that was what needed to happen. He also told her he wanted to forward her new husband messages she had sent my Fiance. Last week, she texted my fiance saying she would divorce her new husband if he thought there might be a chance they could ever be a family. (They were never married and broke up when the baby was 1) BM got married for a month, got a divorce, and now is re-married to a military man who she tells us daily WILL BE her daughter's new Father)

Anyway, back to the story, she freaked out that he wanted to forward her new husband those messages and called the police saying we were harrassing her and would not stop calling her. (My Fiance called her once because she texted him saying his daughter wanted to talk to her) And my fiance had 13 missed calls from this women. The police called and said if she texted him or he texted her, we needed to call and file a report.

Not 13 hours later, the BM is calling saying "Hey, do you think I could keep her for a few more days. We have plans" 1. the police told you not to text him and 2. why would we go out of our way to do you a favor when you're filing harassment charges and trying to take her away.

Anyways. We said "No" and that we wanted our time to spend with her... So we go to pick her up and guess what.....BM chopped her beautiful LONG hair!!! I wanted to cry. I know she was doing it to be hateful because every other time she calls and discusses hair issues with my Fiance. He really wants it to stay long. But she didn't even call! And our SD didn't mention a word of it. We have family pictures next weekend and I am so sad.

This isn't even half the stuff I have to deal with this women. This is just me venting.

LuckieGirl35's picture

Thank you!! Just need someone to talk to about it all. Keeping it built up inside isn't working!!

I feel helpless though as I am JUST the fiance (Not actually married yet) So I can't do much. My Fiance has to do it and I feel like if I push him to do anything he will resent me.

With this court case, I told him he needed to get her school records (We got a call last year saying she missed 12 days of school in the first 3 months. Thats 1 1/2 days a week!!) She goes to school by her mom's house and during school we only have her every other weekend. And he hasn't called! I can't call! I am just so hopeless. We are in the middle of losing her and he is dragging his feet. We don't have time to drag our feet. He thinks theres no way the judge will let her move away since she couldn't move away last year. But my motto, every bit helps!

Frustrated!

heartnsoule's picture

I wish we could tell you it would get better, but it does not!!!!!!
I am a bio mom and have sk's as well. My kids BM is a pain in the ass...I have done everything under the sun to try and make things work so she will feel comfortable with me being with the kids...but she is just bitter and mean. The Taylor Swift song mean is the perfect song for her...espically at the end when its says "you're a LIAr and Pathetic" that would be her. I am sure you love your soon to be hubby and his child...but I would tell you to please sit down with him and make sure you are and will be on the same page on custody, time with her and how money will be spent, espically if you are planning on having children of your own. It will save you heart ache later on. Good luck!!
She is bitter because she can't have your husband...she prob does not want him but does not want anyone else to have him either...

Wish2Bdramafree's picture

"I feel helpless though as I am JUST the fiance (Not actually married yet) So I can't do much. My Fiance has to do it and I feel like if I push him to do anything he will resent me."

Bingo. That's my life in a nutshell. Know what I decided? If he loves me, and feels ok dumping all of his baggage (and I Mean BAGGAGE) on me, he can sit and listen to my fears, concerns, and insecurities and not resent me for it. I pretty much told him that, and you know what? Results have been amazing.

This forum has saved my @ss. Thanks everyone for reminding me I'm not the crazy one!

LuckieGirl35's picture

Thank you all for all the overwhelming responses! I think you will all save my life!! I am going to sit with my Fiance and discuss all the things that are bothering me but I am so at loss for words!!

The BM will pull stunts like calling the cops saying we are harassing her (She called us 19 in 25 minutes. When we didn't answer. She texted us saying "Your daughter is trying to talk to you" So we call back and her daughter all the sudden is "Busy!") Not sure how that is harassing her!! And now she keeps calling today saying "I just want to pick her up and take her to lunch" WHY THE HELL WOULD WE HELP YOU OUT?!?!?

My Biggest problem...after she pulls this sh*t my FH calls and says "Do you think it is a good idea if I let her go?" Ummmm.....were you not involved with the same police case as I was this weekend?!

She starts school the second week in August and we are supposed to have her the last week before school. The BM calls and says "You aren't getting her your last week because I am taking her school shopping." I am pretty sure that is NOT her decision and it is written out clearly in our custody agreement.

My FH is such a sweet man and would rather roll over all the drama, rather than make matters worse. She called months back and asked if she could pick up her daughter (On our time) and take her to Target and out to Lunch. We agreed, this was before it got messy. When I asked my FH what time she would be back home, his response was "The BM said she will be back whenever she's ready to have her back." EXCUSE ME?! This is OUR time and if we are going to be flexible enough to let her take her on our time, she will return her when we say. I am so frustrated that he lets her get away with that!

My other pet peeve!! As a courtesy to the BM (At this point, dont ask me why we do anything to be nice) We have her daughter call her EVERY night before bed. (She is 7 and a relationship with her mom is important to us) When our daughter gets off the phone, she will be crying her eyes out to go home. When we ask her what is wrong, she replies "My mommy said she is going to Disneyland tomorrow and Daddy won't let me go" or "My mommy says she is going to see my cousins tomorrow and I won't get to see them for a year because I am at Daddy's" ALWAYS making it look like we are the bad parents because we WONT let her go. Let me remind you, this women has NO job!

Ugh....

Wish2Bdramafree's picture

:jawdrop: Roll-over dads. Oh my goodness you are singing my song. It has to stop!!! How long has he tried being nice? How many times has it worked? My SO does the same crap, and it has been the hinge on which nearly all of our arguments start.

We've begun the transition to email only dialogue between dad and BM, thanks to another thread here on this forum- It's helped tremendously. But I don't see this lasting in face-to-face contact. Short of growing a spine, I'll be anxiously awaiting suggestions to this issue as well!

LuckieGirl35's picture

Thank you!! I am going to run it by him later. See what he thinks. Try it for a bit and see how it goes. He knows I am in so much pain right now, he might try anything! Smile Thank you alll for your help!!

LuckieGirl35's picture

Gosh, I love this site! Thank you so much for all your input and ideas. Going through this is dreadful but having people who have dealt with it before give you some advice and tips is an amazing feeling! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

porkchop's picture

I know the feeling...
BM of FSS11 & FSD9, is all the time infringing on our time, she'll purposely plan a b-day party or a family reunion during our time. My advice, find out what they custody agreement states, then put your foot down. Like I told my FDH, tell her if she insists on keeping them during our time, then we're keeping the kids an extra night. If BM complains, then ya'll have every right to deny her request when it's your court ordered time.