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Venting BM pretending to be SD

WwCorgi7's picture

Hello everyone! I feel like I am posting a lot here lately trying to vent and get advice. Sorry if I am annoying anyone with all the posts.

So today "SD" texted DH from an app. However, we know we are not speaking to SD, it is BM. We know the way SD texts and this is not her. BM has a very certain way she texts and this is without a doubt her that DH is talking with. She also wants to come over tomorrow to bring by Easter gifts for the kids. She said around 6 pm. I'm more than nervous. This lady is nuts and I just have a weird feeling. She was talking about how amazing she was doing and she is the happiest she has ever been in her entire life. DH was throwing in a few personal questions and mentioning some things that SD would only know and they were completely ignored because it is not her.

I don't know what her end game is. I don't know if she is trying to shut DH up and get him to back off in court, is she trying to make it look like she has been allowing communication? I don't know if we should be worried for our safety or how this is going to play out. 

tog redux's picture

So, up until now, your DH has been totally cut off from SD, right? My guess is that yes, she's trying to look like she's allowing contact for court. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Yes, it's been about a year since he has physically seen or spoken to her. He is trying to get her into the house when she brings the gifts to the door and just unload on her with screen shots and recordings from BM's family. I don't know how well that will go over but I will be in the back room with our kids.

tog redux's picture

When my SS had been alienated for about a year, he suddenly started demanding stuff from our house.  BM then called DH and said she thought SS was "reaching out to DH" and she wanted him to see him because she didn't want to end up in court (it was weird, it sounded like she'd written out a long narrative that she read to DH's voicemail).  She wanted DH to put his stuff on the porch and DH said, no - if he wants stuff from our house, he can come over and get it. So he did end up coming over for a couple of hours - he was fine, even told DH he loved him when he left.  Came over one more time after that and then we didn't see him for 2.5 years. 

DH wasn't even in court at the time, but she was obviously worried he'd take her there.

WwCorgi7's picture

Well  I hope that is not the case here. Her room was taken down and all her stuff is in the attic so it's not an easy "go take what you want" thing. I kinda worried if we should put it back together so it doesn't cause her to freak out but it's too much to deal with. Dh doesn't to see any of her belongings until after all of this gets settled.

tog redux's picture

He didn't end up taking anything from his room. But there were gifts in there that he opened and I could see that he was reminiscing about being at our house.

We didn't really make his room into anything else for a few years.

SeeYouNever's picture

BM used to do this to my DH as well. SD texts a bunch of obnoxious emojis and BM texts like a business email. It was obvious to me but my DH falls for it. It's always BM playing SD when she sends links of things she wants him to buy. It works, DH is more likely to buy things when he thinks it's SD asking.

You're lucky your DH isn't falling for it, let BM continue and hope she digs herself in a hole. 

WwCorgi7's picture

No he isn't falling for it luckily. He wanted to call her out but decided to play dumb so he can get access to SD and just tell her everything.

Gimlet's picture

You are not posting too much, I've been thinking about you and worried for your situation.  Please continue to keep us posted. 

I hope he's able to get through to SD if she does stop over.  

WwCorgi7's picture

Thanks, I just don't have anyone to talk to about this. The friends I do have do not have kids so they just don't care/understand. My mother was the only person I could talk to. She has suddenly taken a turn health wise and she can barely hold a conversation so I don't want to bother her with my issues.

So far they've ruined another holiday. Dh was a distant mess all day. He barely said anything at all today just keeps to himself. "SD" texted last minute saying they were too busy to come and wanted to tomorrow. Dh works and I do not want them coming while I am home alone.

At this point I feel that it's my husband to blame. I get very upset with him and frustrated and he says I am not being supportive. He says I don't understand what he is going through. He told me today that he hasn't been happy since she left and has been faking it this whole time. He says it's  hard to pretend to be a Dad to our children when this is on his mind 24/7. I am very hurt by this. If we can't be enough for you then why bother? 

SteppedOut's picture

Yikes. That comment he made about not being happy is BULLCRAP. Hard to forget or even forgive something like that. 

Gimlet's picture

I am so sorry that he said that to you.  That has to hurt, and you've been through so much with this situation.  This woman (and SD to some extent) has created so much chaos for you and your family and you know I have not been a fan of how your husband has handled it.

I understand that this has to be terrible for him but if he doesn't manage to at least try to show up for his wife and other kids, he's going to end up losing them too.  I know you feel for SD, and her mother has put everyone is such a shitty position, but you have to be exhausted with this.  I know I would be.

Your DH needs to swallow his pride and get some professional support.  It's going to be a process with the lawyers and he has to figure out how to be part of your family while he's working on this and trying to do what's right for SD. 

I am truly sorry for this, it's not going to be easy and it isn't fair to you or your kids.

P.S. The fact that BM easily gave up her other kids but is fighting to keep SD speaks volumes about the unhealthy dynamic there.  SD is serving a purpose for her, more than being "her kid" since the others were too.

Rags's picture

Do not communicate via text. DH should respond with two words to every one of these kinds of manipulative bullshit texts or emails.

"Call me."  

Nothing more, nothing less.

If it is BM, she will likely not call. If it is SD... she just might.

You are doing great.   Vent away.  We are here to listen.

WwCorgi7's picture

He tried to call once that's how we found out it was a texting app. Then told her to call him yesterday evening but she never did. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Our cameras alerted us to motion and we saw  a guy running up to the house. My husband went to the door and he sped off quickly and on the mat were 4 bags filled with candy. About 3 seconds later "SD" texted to tell us she just stopped by the house to deliver the Easter bags a few minutes ago. Dh put them in the garage.