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Mysterious other side

LevinaFia23's picture

Isn't it great when SS10 has no idea how things happen when it happens over there? This is very frustrating as we can't ever help him when his story doesn't make sense. Then BM story mever matches his. We've caught ss even lying on his mom so what is the truth and for this very smart kid what is going on?? He knows so much about everything until anything happens there it's 100% mystery everytime. 

How do you all deal and if you want to share please. Does this end?

JRI's picture

Kids in divorced families use the situation to their advantage, I've noticed.  Lack of communication beteeen the parents means they can get away with things.

Plus, they do whatever they can to gain love and attention from their BM including lies.  They seldom have the maturity to understand how damaging that is.

My "kids" are in their 50s and 60s now and I never did figure out how to resolve that.


Rags's picture

manipulate and play both sides for their benefit.

Don't over think it.  Deal with a COD in real time, focus on what is known, and do not let them manipulate. Call them on it when they play the manipulation card.  

As adults, we have all been children, we all know what children often do, and we all have the ability to call kid crap when they spew it.

So, instead of worrying about this manipulative little shit, call him on his crap. Smart or not, he needs to be held accountable for his behavior.

Good luck.

LevinaFia23's picture

Dh woke up and is still hounding him on what happened. It really bothers him that he's continuing to lie. The stories doesn't make sense as usual and it twists our brains. He's been doing great for so long this year and it keeps coming back to this. I can see how it bothers dh deeply bc we feel we made headway...and here we are again. Thanks for the luck we definitely need it 

ESMOD's picture

What specifically are you wanting to know.. that he should be telling your husband?


LevinaFia23's picture

Anytime dh is adamant about SS its solely bc of his safety. Bm has a past of being physically and mentally abusive. It's ongoing as she's racking up wreckless tickets and getting a new car every other month bc its been banged up "mysteriously". So basically ss would come back from there with a new scratch or bruise and we'd get some story that doesn't make sense and doesn't match bm story at all. This is every time. 

He's primarily with dh and I the past 2yrs and he's only been getting better slowly but surely, with lying and being responsible etc. This yr has been great behavior wise. He's recently gotten braces a few.months back and he's also been taking great care of them. Randomly this past weekend the bracket is missing on a tooth and on the same dide the wire is partially missing in that same area. Dh asked him what happened ss made up a strange time to say when it happened, saying was weeks ago....but we know for sure he didn't leave with missing brackets or wire. Then he says it happened Sat and at first said he didn't know how but then said he was messing with it. 

Yes, there is a possibility he was "messing with it" but it's literally snapped off and missing a bracket after just getting them tightened 2wks ago. Doesn't make sense to suddemyl wanna break them when in BMs care. Alot of strange things happen there and the story never adds up...ever. not once. So of course another mysterious case of him getting hurt or something broken while he's with bm. When he's here all his stories are clear, short to the point and make sense. Dh asked bm and she also said it "been happened".  Ss told us before then she didn't know about it so just nothing at all makes sense. Dh is pretty.sure he's covering something. But I go to...does it even matter? The truth never comes out. He has an appt to get them fixed coming up so what can we do? Just patch things up as usual and hope he's safe. I'm guessing when he's in true danger he will let us know. 

Dh is just disappointed bc this yr he really thought he was getting thru to him and they were getting closer bc its been so long he's gotten in trouble. The braces were broken pretty oddly so it's shocking when he's been so careful and aware of them since he got them 2mts back

ESMOD's picture

So.. it sounds like this 10 year old child (he is a little kid).. is in somewhat of a loyalty bind.  Either his mom is coercing him.. or he is just afraid of her getting in trouble.. so he isn't particularly forthcoming about things.. because he doesn't want to not see her.. even though she may be a crummy mom.. she is his mom.. and he loves her.

Being angry because he feels like he has to evade telling the full story.. when the result could be that mom gets in trouble is not really all that fair to him.  Obviously the goal is admirable.. you and your DH want him safe.. but the reality is that at 10 years old.. he likely feels a huge weight of responsibility to keep his mom's secrets.  He is pressed by not only you and his dad.. but also by his mom in a likely scenario.

But. I get the frustration.. how can he be kept safe.. when he won't let  you know he is in danger?

I also wonder if there are other kids at mom's that could be contributing to things.. rough housing.. or bullying etc.. but he still wants to see mom so he keeps mute? or gives you a story?

LevinaFia23's picture

I appreciate this response. This is what I struggle with mentally. I go back and if being too harsh and if this is unfair. Because at one point it seemed I was the only one concerned and now I've backed off lately and dh is now getting really frustrated when he thinks he can trust ss and then things like this happens. It's like a cycle where ss is open and honest about everything but the wall stops with his mom and I definitely see your point. I've been recently thinking this, this year lately. 

I may need to tell dh this side. As a child this can be tough. My younger step sister even told me earlier this yr she struggled with pleasing both her mom and dad at times and kept quiet on alot of things to prevent further issues. I can see this for sure which is why I've been more quiet and also more leaning to hey maybe he's telling the truth.. Dh says both have been caught lying so he can't believe either of them so he's doing everything to get to the truth but it just may not be worth it. 

At the end of it I truly believe after all this time. Ss has eventually admitted the truth when true danger was involved. Seeing his brackets missing and wire snapped off its very scary to any parent. So I can see dh being extremely worried. The worst has happened to one of her kids in her care as they passed away at just a few months old due to her negligence, allegedly. This really haunts dh I'm sure and it worries me too. But we have to stay level-headed. It just can be hard to teeter those thoughts when you know how insane bm truly is and I mean straight jacket type insane so idk it's that back and forth worried vs we have to remain gentle on the situation also.

ESMOD's picture

The kid is damned if he does.. damned if he doesn't.. he tattles on mom.. she punishes.. dad thinks he is hiding things.. dad gets mad.. he can't win.  

I think to an extent.. his son needs to hear the emphasis on his dad caring about  his safety.  That his dad isn't trying to get anyone in trouble.. but if there are any reasons to worry about his child's safety.. he would like to know.. so he can help keep him safe. And.. he can even voice the loyalty bind. ."I know you don't want to get your mom in trouble. .but I can't help keep you safe if I don't know what I should be worried about".  He also needs to emphasise that he isn't asking his son to give him a play by play run down on every word or action at his mom's.. that he respects the privacy that each home should have.. but that he gets worried when things appear to happen upon return from her house.. like the braces.. if it really happened "a while ago".. he needs to remind his son that it's important to tell his dad when his braces need adjustment of fixing.. so that they do the job they are supposed to do.

It's also possible the kid ate something he shouldn't have.. something hard or sticky and was afraid of getting in trouble.. and he needs to tell him that too so if the fix needs to be made. it can get done when it needs to!

Cover1W's picture

Through many broken and missing things, my Dad's answer has always been to shrug and and say "I don't know...." Gets her out of every ramification with DH. I don't bother asking.

advice.only2's picture

My DH’s ex is a meth addict and we faced these same issues with his daughter.  We had custody and it didn’t matter how “safe” we tried to make Spawn feel talking to us she never would.  We got her into counseling and she would either sit there and not talk or lie to the counselor.  She was trained from an early age to protect her mother at all costs.  We never knew she called the cops when her mom ODed, we never knew her mother drove her around town threatening to kill her, we never knew that the house was broken in to while Spawn and her brother were there alone, we never knew that Meth Mouth used to hit Spawn and give her drugs.  We found all of this out years and years later when other people finally told us these things.  To this day Spawn denies any of those things ever happened.  These kids will do whatever it is their abusers tell them to do, it’s sad and it’s frustrating and yes it can make you mad.  It gets harder when they get older and start blaming you and you have taught them right from wrong and they still continue to lie and then defend their abuser.  That’s what happened in our case, I finally had to disengage from Spawn because she had become so toxic. We did everything we could do to help her and she never wanted it.    

LevinaFia23's picture

That is terrible to hear but it is sadly likely to happen in our case. I'm sorry this happened to you and dh. I could easily see this happening as no matter how much he's abused her and we've made it safe here he holds loyalty to her which is a good thing but hopefully not to his detriment.

Survivingstephell's picture

Time to write stuff down in a notebook to refer back to.  Entries for BM's stories and SS's version.  That way it won't clog up your brains AND you can bring it out when needed.  

LevinaFia23's picture

Yes we've been keeping journal entries in a cloud since visitation started back in 2017 along with texts of stories from bm. It's not everytime now but only when instances like this occur or change requests from bm etc. It's all noted not only for court but yes dh and my sanity!!! She switches so much It's a necessity at this point lol great advice