On My Way Out
I have received a two year employment contract with a company back in the Netherlands starting on October 1st. It's about a half hour commute from where my patents are and in a city that DHs present company has an office. I am going to accept.
When DH and I got married, we made a commitment to spending 10 years in the States as SS12 was still a baby- he needed his Dad. I agreed to stay. Over the years life has become an increasing nightmare with his son- fueled by BM. The kid is an an absolute monster and I literally can not stand him!!
If things were different. If the kid was decent, maybe I would have stayed. If...
I have a good life even though I have no family here and its so damn hard to see my own family once a year or every 18 months. I don't want to live like this anymore. I miss my own family and the only reason I am here is because I choose to be with DH, who is a good father to his son. The current issues with Biobitch and this @$&%€¥ing child have just become too much. I DONT want to have them in my presence any longer.
Going to have to tell DH that I am leaving... He can stick to his word and come with me or he can stay with his son. Frankly I no longer care. I love DH, but this is a decision for me. I will no longer tolerate the messed up home wrecking BM who can't let go of DH even though she has had three marriages since and a string of ex husbands, stepchildren, her own children with multiple fathers, ex stepchildren, a future husband and future stepchildren. Still she finds time to torment a strong of different women who have her in their life because of children. I will no longer tolerate a rude, disgusting, lying, filthy twelve year old whose sole purpose in life is to please Mummy. Enough already!!
Its goodbye and good riddance SS. Either DH moves or he can have his history. I am done! (Except for the rat trap in my personal papers waiting for prying fingers!)
Fuck this!! Not my circus anymore. DH is welcome to the wreckage if that's what he wants.
Good Luck Lady!! I'm very
Good Luck Lady!! I'm very impressed and very happy for you!
I hope your DH goes with. I want everything to be just perfect and dandy for you.
Good on you for taking your
Good on you for taking your future into your own hands!! I wish you all the luck and good fortune you could use.
Hopefully, your DH will be on board - otherwise, too bad, so sad - you can focus 100% on YOU..woo HOOOO!!!
Thank you for the support. I
Thank you for the support. I appreciate it so much. This is the hardest thing I have ever done: basically facing the fact that I may need to give up my DH, a man I love with every fibre of my being. I have to give up a good marriage because of an outside influence. It's really hard.
Sometimes you need to look at your life and decide: what you can live with and what you can't. And sometimes you have to sacrifice what you do want because there is something that you don't want. I committed to ten years and then a move back to Europe. I have held up my end of that bargain. It's done.
DH has a responsibility to his son. How he wants to fulfill that is his choice. I have reached a point of resigned acceptance. If I lose DH, I lose him. I understand. If he moves, he sees SS during vacations. There is no international school to send SS to complete schooling in The Netherlands in English close to where I am going to live. It means completing his schooling in the US and living with his BM. That is how it will be. Things may have been different if it wasn't a battle with SS and Biobitch. I may have stayed... It hasn't turned out this way.
For me, the two years gives me enough time to settle in and restart my life if it is without DH. I am 35. Can do a new start. Its a cross roads for me now. I am not going to stay for the sake of a horrid child and live to regret it. I read here the stories of people who battle with their skids forever, adult skids. I DONT choose this for me. I choose to leave- DH can choose if SS remains in my life but I am choosing the circumstances of that interaction.
Be strong Jinger... This is
Be strong Jinger... This is your chance of peace. When you feel like you are weakening, come on this site. Reading all the painful posts will toughen you up again. You have to lodge it into your head that when you go, you will never see SS face again. Be confident that although it might not happen immediately, your DH will follow.
Interesting dilemma...
Interesting dilemma... Congrats on your job! I would present it to DH though as a decision you could make together, rather than a fait accompli. There are ways to make it work. I think it would be great for your SS to be away from BM - at least some of the time. He could change into a better human being, he is only 12. Having an ocean between him and his mommy for a while strikes me as totally beneficial.
My cousin moved from Boston, Mass. to the Netherlands about 12 years years ago. At first his kids went to an international school near Hilversum, but a few years later they switched to a local public school and never looked back. They are all proficient in Dutch now. I don't have to tell you Dutch is close enough to English ( did God take English and German into his mouth, chew on them and spat out Dutch?
At 12 SS could be conversational in Dutch in about 6 months, if he were to be immersed in the language. It's a great opportunity for all three of you, i think.
You will also be more empowered on your home turf to make more exectuive decisions.
But you need to decide if you want to continue with this marriage, on whatever continent.
I just want the OP to be
I just want the OP to be happy. and I am excited for her and her new job. I didnt think about the kid part to be totally honest, I was too excited.
Thinking about it now, it would be sad if he totally abandoned his son. Maybe they can do 50/50 or he can have the kid over the summer? Going to another country would be really cool for the kid I think, and he could learn a lot.
Maybe ten years ago I should
Maybe ten years ago I should have said, "well fuck your kid, I want to live in The Netherlands now. You are Dutch, I am Dutch, why stick around for a baby when he can travel ? Let's go now."
Maybe it would not have been such a big issue to have dumped the stupid kid from the get go.
DH wanted to be there for when his kid was young. He is twelve now. Some parents have full custody of kids and they visit the other parents during vacations. He has had ten additional years which I didn't owe him. He is not my kid. I owe this rude lying bastard nothing!
DH is not a deadbeat- maybe if he was, it would have been best for all concerned. You have now a kid who is so poisoned by his mother that I want him out of my life. Maybe if BM had more concern for raising her child she could have raised a decent kid who was a pleasure to be around. He isn't.
Fuck him if his Dad moves away. He and his BM brought this on themselves.
This is horrible. You really
This is horrible.
You really think your husband has had enough time with his son????
I agree that you don't owe the kid anything, but his father does. Expecting your husband to move away from his son because you're done with him is just wrong.
This is crazy.
The point is that the OP held
The point is that the OP held up her end of the deal. If DH doesn't hold up his end of the deal, it just means he was lying all along and saying whatever BS he needed to say in order to get her to stay.
Just because YOU feel a certain way about something doesn't making the guy an asshole if he decides to go to the Netherlands as well. People need to realized that everyone has different opinions, values, etc. Just because someone's opinion is different doesn't mean it's WRONG. If I got offered a job in another country making really good money and also had a chance to escape my freeloading stepkids, it would be pretty hard to turn down. I love my wife dearly but I don't know if I could pass up that opportunity.
I don't know outtahere.
I don't know outtahere. (Smiling because I share your name now.)
I don't know which way DH will jump and it doesn't matter because I am no longer a hostage to his decision. I would like him to move with me. It is a work transfer in his case. I really would not like to end my marriage because it's actually good.
I can understand if he wants to stay for the kid, but that means I will file for divorce before I leave. He can choose his kid if he wants, it no longer bothers me. I will just deal with the worst case outcome.
What if he wants to stay here
What if he wants to stay here until his son graduates, then moves? He could always fly out to visit you during vacations and holidays.
Saying move now or we divorce, is just forcing him to pick you or his son. Most parents in that situation will pick their MINOR kids.
Disneyfan, its not an option
Disneyfan, its not an option for me. I am not prepared to have a long distance marriage over SS. He can choose his kid or get a divorce. Those are the options on the table. I am done. Kid can visit during the holidays, not the other way round. I have wasted 10 years of my life on this shit. No more.
OMG I can't imagine
OMG :jawdrop:
I can't imagine walking away from my minor kid in order to hang onto a man.
What happens if he agrees to move, then BM decides to have son move with him?
I bet the replies would be
I bet the replies would be different if a SM stated her SKs will be moving in with her and her husband because BM was moving away with her husband.
I have a feeling no one would view mom in a positive light for
A. Making a silly promise
B. Going through with her promise
Why do we demonize mothers for walking away from their children to he with their husbands, but praise dads for doing the same thing?
I hope dad decides to stay with his son until he graduates from high school.
I think the piece that you
I think the piece that you are missing here is that OP is making a decision for herself. Her DH will then have to make a decision for himself.
OP is not forcing her DH to leave his son. If he does leave, it will be of his own free will, and you can then judge away. But keep your judgement and fury for HIM, not for the SM. She's already upheld her end of the bargain and sacrificed 10 years living where she didn't want to live for a child who isn't hers.
Thank you Cadence. This is
Thank you Cadence. This is exactly right. You see things as it is.
DH can decide what he wants to do. I am not forcing his choice either way, but I will live with his decision.
Either we move on together or I restart my life.
Just more of the same "blame
Just more of the same "blame the SM for controlling her DH" stuff. Normally we get that suspicion and guilt trip from society and BMs, but even fellow SMs like to throw it on SMs for something that is just not their responsibility.
You've already sacrificed enough years for the welfare of a child that isn't yours, and it has taken its toll. If DH decides to stay or go, it is entirely his decision, and worries over his child's welfare should rest squarely on his shoulders. He's the parent here, and I don't understand why people are projecting their worries over the child's welfare onto you. (Then again your DH isn't here to harangue, is he?)
You've got a good head on your shoulders and I wish you luck.
She isn't open to the option
She isn't open to the option of having a long distance marriage until the kid graduates. If her husband doesn't move with her, she will get a divorce.
That is forcing dad to pick her or his minor child. If he wants to save his marriage, hs has to leave his son.
No, it is 100% her making a
No, it is 100% her making a decision for herself, then letting DH make a decision for himself.
And no, I don't believe OP saying that she is moving is in any way forcing him to move, nor is it a "me or your son" choice.
Where is the similar outrage over a father who has to move away for work? Where is the vitriol for fathers in the armed forces? Hm? Shouldn't they sacrifice their jobs to stay close to their kids? ... No??
Then what exactly is the problem if a father chooses to move for a different reason? Oh, that's right, we're not supposed to prioritize marriage anymore. Or we're only supposed to prioritize the ones that produce children. The remarriages are disposable, and it's absolutely FINE to expose those precious children to yet another divorce and the associated fallout. What about the insecurity those kids will feel watching another marriage self-destruct?
These are the days of internet connections and easy flights. Plenty of fathers are able to be good fathers long distance, and there is absolutely nothing saying OP's DH can't do the same.
What will you all say if the child thrives with Skype calls and summers in a foreign country? What if the exposure to the larger world turns out to be a good thing for him in terms of emotional maturity?
This is fear-mongering directed at the OP, plain and simple.
The OP isn't willing to
The OP isn't willing to settle for visit for a few years.
Why do we expect a child to be able to handle something that an an adult can't handle?
If living that far apart for a few years, will destroy their marriage, can you imagine what it will do to her husband's relationship with his son?
It's not that I CANT handle
It's not that I CANT handle visitation accross countries. I WONT!
I am not prepared to continuously have a marriage at the mercy of a kid. Divorce is preferable so I can get on with my life.
Not so simple. I want DH to
Not so simple. I want DH to move with me. It will be his decision to make- he can agonise over it, not me.
Jinger, What an inspiring and
Jinger,
What an inspiring and empowering example you are. It is sad that your DH struggles with prioritizing his marriage over this toxic kid and the XWBM.
I truly hope that he gains clarity and joins in you in the Netherlands.
Any marriage only works if the partners prioritize the marriage and each other over anything else. Kids (regardless of biology), Xs, parents, etc..... Kids are certainly the primary responsibilty but the marriage must be the uncontested priority for both partners.
I find it very interesting that many serial spouses will without hesitation say their kids are their priority. There is a reason why they are on 2nd and subequent marriages with no end of the revolving door of weddings in sight. Anyone who puts their children over their spouse is destined to have a failed marriage at worst and a crappy one at best. IMHO of course.
Good luck on your new career move and take care of yourself.
Best regards,
^^^this^^^ Very nicely said,
^^^this^^^
Very nicely said, Rags.
New spouse? I have been
New spouse? I have been married for over ten years.
Tom, Of course I do not
Tom,
Of course I do not advocate child abandonment. However, as a 3rd culture kid myself (I was raised as an Expat where my parents worked) I did have to go away for high school. There were several kids I was raised with who were Skids and lived overseas with one parent and visited their domestically located parent or vice versa. My parents did not abandon me by sending me to boarding school nor did the parents of the Skid's I was raised with abandon them.
I see this situation no different than my going away to school or my friends who lived overseas with one parent and visited the other. Or as no different as any kid in a long distance visitation situation. An airplane ride to visit is an airplane ride to visit regardless of it is one state over or over an Ocean..... or two.
Spouses must plan for their future and provide for themselves and in a blended family situation with a professional couple that can mean working internationally which is not an evil thing.
The OP is executing on a plan she and her DH made together. Sure, there are evil Skid and toxic XW/BM elements to her situation but the plan is not a bad one. Sometimes moving for a career opportunity is in the best interest of the marriage and everyone on either side of the blended family equation.
All IMHO of course.
Thank you Rags. Eloquently
Thank you Rags. Eloquently put.
It is my marriage first. However, I won't be held hostage to an ill disciplined child. Respect for myself comes before that.
Difficult decision for me, but the child will not be subject to my circumstances and not me to his.
"You're hot, let's
"You're hot, let's boink"
LMFAO! i am SOOO gonna use that line on dh!!!! }:)
Love this!
Love this!
SA, No doubt about that.
SA,
No doubt about that. Making the marriage the priority automatically gives the kids equal priority status, at least in an initial family.
"You're hot, let's boink" LOL
"You're hot, let's boink"
LOL LOL LOL
We are both Dutch so it's not
We are both Dutch so it's not like WE are from different countries. Only link to US is SS and work. (And Biobitch for DH) And the life we made here.
It is a sense of freedom. Decisions are mine.
Ah yes! BM is a good advert
Ah yes! BM is a good advert not to marry ANYONE. EVER.
International disaster. Wish I could post her picture so men would run and women protect their kids.
wow. ok throwing my hat in
wow.
ok throwing my hat in the ring on this one - ladies lets retract the claws a bit. Jinger is not asking or expecting anything. SHE is moving on. she's not saying "choose me or you kid. if you choose the kid, eff you we're divorcing." and that's how it's being taken.
she's saying "*I'M* moving on. dh, do what you feel u need to do." and she's already come to terms with the possibility of him staying near his son.
congrats on the job Jinge, and the wonderful world of possibilities soon to open up for you.
Thanks Tuff Noogies- you have
Thanks Tuff Noogies- you have got it exactly right.
(don't mind the claws though, memories of Biobitch makes this sadly funny. The "mommy indignation" about putting the kid first ... It doesn't wash with me anymore.)
She said if he doesn't agree
She said if he doesn't agree to move with her, she will divorce him.
Exactly. Why should he
Exactly. Why should he dictate that my life wait because of SS?
DH can not have his bread buttered on both sides.
Recap:
* I am moving- no debate.
* DH can stay with SS or move with me - his choice. (I won't interfere here)
* If he moves, SS stays with Biobitch because there isn't an English school close by. He can visit DH in the vacation periods. No problem.
* If he stays - his choice- my choice is divorce - his consequence.
* I choose to move on with my life for me- I am not having a long distance marriage because of SS.
Got it? Good!
I agree with this. Sometimes
I agree with this. Sometimes because of circumstances families are separated. It's not a nice thing or ideal but kids adjust.
I think you go. Clearly you
I think you go. Clearly you are unhappy. I think he should stay and continue to be in his kids life until 18. At that point then if you are still there, you can resume the relationship. Otherwise, find a man without kids who can make you happy. Sometimes we have to sacrifice something to be truly happy.
I think the fact that its
I think the fact that its another country is irrelevant. I am on the east coast USA, and if we moved to the west coast USA we'd be the same distance from SD as if we moved to Europe.
Lots of parents are long distance from their kids. You simply change up visitation. Instead of EOWE, you get summers and one or two school vacations.
Its sounds like this kid doesnt have much of a relationship with his dad anyway, if he's unparented and out of control.
We can say that the dad made a stupid bargain with Jinger all we want - but bottom line is, they DID make a deal when they married. Jinger has just as much right to live near HER family as her husband does.
Jinger, the only thing i might suggest is taking the job, and if your DH doesnt want to go, give him 6 months before you file? Maybe he will reconsider once you are gone a few months and make the decision to come with you. He will then of course need some time to rearrange visitations, etc. but waiting 6 months isnt all that unreasonable IMO. You gave the guy 10+ years of marriage; will 6 more months kill you?
I do hope he moves with you which i think is the right decision. Yes, a boy needs his father, but a father who doesnt parent isnt going to do him much good anyway AND as many like to say on here, as he becomes a teen, he's going to be more involved with friends and activities anyway.
i think both genders need
i think both genders need positive male and female influences. doesnt always have to be mom and dad.
Yep. Kids need both parents,
Yep. Kids need both parents, or like you said positive male and female influences.
Good luck on your new job.
Good luck on your new job. I know this has to be a tough decision for you. I moved across the country to be with my DW so she wouldn't have to leave her family. We see her family and kids all the time, and I only get to see my family once every few years so I certainly understand how hard it is and how things can become one-sided.
My DW always says if I get a wonderful job opportunity she would move with me, but there are times that I doubt it. I've been half-tempted to start looking for jobs in different states just to get away from my rotten stepdaughters. I hope and pray that your husband keeps his word to you and moves with you.
Hey Jinger!!! Just do
Hey Jinger!!! Just do something for YOU for a change.
I know you love DH and would prefer him to move with you but he has to be desperate to be with you or he will never forgive you.
Full respect to you for putting up with 10 yrs of hell but I have even more respect for you for thinking about yourself.
Congrats on the job! Yeah, I
Congrats on the job! Yeah, I agree that you're totally within your rights to move home, nothing wrong with that and you don't owe the kid anything. I think you should just divorce DH though, don't ask him to move with you. I think if he did give up custody of his son to go with you that makes him kind of a dick, and why would you want to be married to a dick? Nah, go home, enjoy your new job, find a great guy with no kids, and enjoy the hell out of the peace and quiet!