Mini wife & Guilty Father syndrome - Please help!
Hello all – I am SO happy to have found this site as I am at my wits end with my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We are planning on getting married in the next year or two. He hasn’t proposed yet. Anyway, when I first started dating him his two daughters were very young (3 years old and 1 year old). I fell in love with their father and with them. They were such good girls. We get them every other weekend and I’m starting to dread when that time comes around.
7 years later and they are starting to become materialistic and manipulative just like their BM. The younger one is not so bad but the older one has major issues. She’s extremely clingy and needy. She is going to be 12, has already started her menstrual period and acts like a big baby when she is around her father. She still wants to sit on his lap and cuddle up to him like she’s 3. She has to tell him that she loves him once every 20 minutes. All I hear is “I love you daddy” in this very childlike whiny voice. She follows him everywhere he goes and does not leave his side. She tries to climb him like a tree as if he could still pick her up”. IF he happens to get away for a second and he comes back around she’ll jump and down and yell “daddy daddy daddy” in her baby voice. The other day she was cuddled up against him on our chaise sofa with her head on his chest looking up at him like she was in love with him telling him how much she loves him. If he doesn’t answer her calls immediately, she will call my phone looking for him. She takes all of his attention from her little sister (who could care less it seems). She’s more independent and doesn’t really need the attention. Not yet, at least. The other day I told my boyfriend that I felt bad that his older was taking all the attention away from his younger. He said they both get equal love and attention. I He listened and took note though because he made the older one get off the couch with him and move to the larger couch and asked for the little one to join them. The older one yelled and made this angry voice and said “daddy you BETTER SIT RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME”. She also is a little miss know it all and will interject in conversation between her father and I when we have a disagreement or difference in opinion on a topic such as politics. She’ll say “no daddy’s right and I agree with daddy”. Um, who asked you for your damn opinion? I’m just totally weirded out by all of this.
He said that the older one is just fighting for his attention because they fight over everything, which they don’t. Heads up that she is the middle child because the mom has another older daughter from her first marriage. Yes, this is her 3rd marriage.
I told him that she is too needy and clingy at her age and she shouldn’t be acting that way. That she shouldn’t be climbing on him like she does and that she can’t be picked up. He told me that he would pick her up at the age of 25. Um..OK? I told him that he needs to set healthy boundaries. That what if she was cuddled up to her NEW step dad like this? Would he like that? That if he lets her know it’s ok, she may wind up doing this with more older men in her life. I told him that it’s inappropriate that she is being intimate with him like I would (on the couch, etc.) and he agreed.
Now their mom is a materialistic floozy who married a man 20 years older than her. She is 35 and he is 55. I can see her being this way with him in front of the girls as she is extremely promiscuous and I don’t see her being a good role model. She lets the girls do whatever they want. The older one has little breasts and you can see them through her shirts and not the mother or father have forced her into wearing a training bra. She doesn’t like to brush her teeth, wear deodorant or brush her hair. She is extremely lazy and no one forces her to do anything. I asked my boyfriend “who are the parents here?”. It’s just bizarre to me.
I have my own daughter who is older. She is 21 and almost going to leave the home. I raised her single but I made sure she took care of herself and knew boundaries when it came to any man in our lives. Doesn’t seem the mom is showing the girls and now my boyfriend isn’t either. I know a lot of his issue is the fact that he has “guilty daddy syndrome”. He feels horrible that he cannot be with them every second of their lives and overcompensates in so many areas. He pays their mother close to $1000 a month in child support and will spend more when he gets them on weekends because he either wants to look good in their eyes or because again, he feels guilty. It’s to the point where he was wanting to move up the street from them because he wanted them to ride their bikes over, etc. but it’s unrealistic because we cannot afford to live in their neighborhood. Again, their gold digger mother married for money. We’re ok financially but not rich.
So I don’t know what to do. It’s to the point where I don’t even want them around anymore every other weekend because it’s driving me crazy. We have moved a tad closer to them which I’m thinking is a huge mistake because now he wants to get them on the week days here and there too. I’m just not happy with the current situation and am feeling like I’m going to wind up ending a relationship with the man that I love and adore because of his daughters. If they are anything like their mom, which they are turning into, they are going to use him and manipulate him for the rest of their lives and I’m not sure I can deal with it. Especially since we are not even married yet.
I just am at the point where I’m needing major advice on what to do. Does it get any better? How do you all cope with this? What do I need to do? I’m starting to be at my wits end and don’t know where else to turn. What do I do to get him to understand?
Do I run? Do I stay? How do I get through this? Will it ever end? Any advice PLEASE
P.S. I have been a very loving “step mom” to them this whole time but I’m starting to not even want to be around them and have to “fake happy” when it’s getting under my skin.